TITLE 5/5

DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD 5/10

I think your description could use a little tweaking! My suggestions are bolded.

Jihye is a normal girl, but having celebrity parents makes it hard to live a normal life. The only problem with that normal lifestyle would be moving back to South Korea to live with her mom and her fiance, a manager of a famous kpop group. At their wedding, Jihye attracts attention for her beauty and befriends the well known BTS, as well as other groups. Now, Jihye is more popular than ever with famous friends and a rising career in modeling. But with her past coming back to haunt her, she doesn't know what to do with her newfound fame.

PLOT 25/25

I've taken "Originality" out of the criteria because it's not a crime to use common themes or cliches.

At this stage I can't review your plot, but I believe that you have something interesting in store for the readers.

FLOW 5/10

Your writing is sparse and straight to the point, which isn't always a bad thing! You are direct and emphasize clarity, and keep the plot moving fairly quickly. Sometimes, though, it's good to slow down.

The reader has no idea what Jihye looks like, how she likes her hair, what she keeps in her room, or what she does for fun. A short description of the apartment (her family is rich, so I'm assuming that it's big), Jihye's room, and any odds and ends she keeps that reflect her personality, are good details to have in opening scenes. This will help readers visualize your story more completely, and become immersed.

You do a lot of telling as opposed to showing, and I think you should work on that. Instead of saying that Jihye is happy, maybe take the time to describe her actions or body language. For example, when I'm happy I flap my hands, or flick my fingers in front of my eyes. You could also write out some of her thoughts. Obviously, there are benefits to being direct and stating a character's emotions, but learning how to show and tell in moderation will make your writing more interesting and your word count bigger.

Jihye's mom says that she and Sejin have been dating for two years, but I suggest taking that line out and explaining that in the narrative instead. You could have Jihye remember it when she's anxious over the news her mom is about to tell her, or add it in as a detail when introducing that Jihye's mom is dating someone. When you say that Jihye is happy that her mom and Sejin are getting married, you could have her think back on their relationship and what it's meant for her mom. This would also be a good time to drop hints as to what happened to Jihye's dad. Is he not in the picture because he's a deadbeat? Are her parents divorced, or did something more horrible happen? Good opportunity for foreshadowing.

You have a lot of potential as a writer!! I don't want you to get down on yourself or think that you aren't able to improve, because you can always improve. I'm going to give you a few resources that I think you could use.

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2008/02/dialog-and-internalization.html

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2008/02/description.html

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2008/02/show-vs-tell.html

These links lead to tons of articles written by authors about dialog, description, and showing vs telling in your writing.  I like this site and have found a lot of good advice on it.

CHARACTERIZATION 9/25

Jihye lying to her boss was a good detail. However, I think you could do more to show that Jihye doesn't want to be seen as incredibly rich, and that she wants to be normal. You can build on this in future chapters, but I think it would be best to review what you've written and try to work in some more scenes where Jihye is shown, or outright states, that she wants to be normal. Maybe have her politely refuse to let her maid clean her room and instead do it herself, or make herself breakfast even though that's her butler's job, or avoid letting a work friend come over to her house because she doesn't want the friend to see the live-in caretakers.

Another thing you could add to let Jihye's personality shine through a little more would be to describe her room, how she dresses, what she likes to do, and her daily routine. These are just suggestions, but you can learn a lot about a person by how they decorate their room and what they do in their spare time. You could also use details like this to further reinforce that she would prefer being middle class and the child of regular working people.

You don't need to spend much time developing Jihye's mom as a character, but you could take some time to explore their relationship. What is it like to be left alone while her mom is in South Korea with a new boyfriend? Does Jihye feel the distance, or does she like the space? Jihye has a job she doesn't need in order to distance herself from her famous parents legacy, but how does her mother feel about that?

GRAMMAR/SPELLING 10/25

It's hard to get the hang of grammar, I understand. My biggest piece of advice is to read your story out loud a few times. When you get to a natural pause, add a comma. If reading a sentence has you out of breath, split it up into two or more sentences, or see if you can trim it down into fewer words. Reading aloud also helps me to weed out unnecessary words, useless details, and tons of other errors.

Here are some resources!

https://www.grammarly.com

Grammarly is a free extension that is better than the free spell checker that comes on your computer or phone, which also checks for grammar and suggests stronger words.

https://www.slickwrite.com/#!home

Slickwrite is very cool, I'm going to be using it more for sure. It's very in depth, customizable, and easy to use. It's basically an editor or beta reader, but with the brain of a computer. It will tell you when you're using weak words, passive voice, cluttering your sentences, and switching tenses.

http://www.hemingwayapp.com

The hemingwayapp is a similar to Slickwrite, but I use it mostly to check how readable my passages are. I don't always agree with the corrections it tries to make, so I make all my own edits  and run the chapter through slickwrite before using the hemingwayapp. (P.S, it looks like the desktop version isn't free, but the app works fine on desktop).

I personally have two beta readers, sometimes a third, and use grammarly, slickwrite, and the hemmingwayapp all on one draft of my chapters. I need a lot of help when it comes to writing.

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/6/

https://nanowrimo.org/forums/writing-101/threads/414469

https://www.english-grammar-revolution.com/punctuation-rules.html

All three of the above links lead to sections about the basics of punctuation in English. PurdueOwl is the better known of the two (cited often by high school teachers), but I think it's good to have a variety of sources to look at.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (BONUS POINTS) 5/10

TOTAL 64/100

And last but not least, here's an all-around handy website that might help you out in the future! https://onestopforwriters.com/features_tools

Hopefully these resources help you out a little!! I'd love to review for you again, or beta for you if you need, and you can always ask me any questions you have.