“Take a deep breath, everything is going to be ok.” That’s what they always say in the hospital. When the truth is, everything isn’t going to be ok. Everything that you know is gone and changes as soon as you enter the doors.

The sign on the door when you walk in is the thing that makes your heart beat and makes your stomach drop. It will haunt you day and night. The sign reads; Cancer center.

The impossible is now possible. “I’ll never have cancer.” That’s what I always thought, but now I’m the person they are saying to, “Take a deep breath, everything will be ok.” But the truth I know, nothing is alright any more.

Jeongi chi Park. That is what the name reads on the clipboard the doctor holds. My name, my name is on there. Not someone else’s but mine.

“Ok, Jeongi have you been feeling down lately? Any pains or weird feelings?” the doctor asks putting her hand on my shoulder

I look at my Father, with the empty space where my Mother should be standing. She’s there in my imagination, she’s waving and smiling at me. Her smile has small soft creases. Her smile shines so bright when everything felt like it was over, her smile would always brighten up everything. She is saying, ‘ I love you Jeongi.’ She died last year in a plane crash. I almost did too, but sadly I had to stay here, but I guess my dad needed me at least.

“No,” I say looking back at her, “Can you tell me where the cancer is again?” I ask

She runs her finger down my right arm carefully and then down my right leg. “Right here, inside this beautiful, muscular arm and down inside this wonderful knee cap.” She smiles, “Want me to tell you something?”

“Sure.” I say thinking, ‘lady this is what I’m here for. For you to tell me these things!’ she can’t tell anything I’m thinking from the fake grin on my face.

“After surgery in a couple of months, all this cancer should go away. And if it doesn’t, we try again. Sound good?”

I nod. “Mhm.” I mumble

My dad looks at me, “Baby, everything is going to be okay.”

This is where I want to break down crying and start screaming. “Why does this have to happen to me? Why does it have to me? Anyone but me!”

But I don’t, I can’t. I have to stay strong for my dad and everyone I know. They think I am strong and okay with this. That I am okay with being sick and that I think I will get through it. I am the complete opposite though. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to sit here and be the good girl they all know me to be.

How things were before are different now. I don’t have friends that are always there for me. I have one friend that has never left my side. He has always been there for me, standing by my side no matter what. He is very popular in school. All the girls love him. He plays sports, he raps and not to mention but has very good looks. I don’t go home to a loving family. I come to be myself and cry while I have the chance to.

My dad has to work extra time to be able to pay for everything, the bills for the house, the bills for the medicines, and the bills for us to live.

I get off the seat a walk across the room for the doctor to see.

“Ah, very good Jeongi. Your stride is very lady like.” She says smiling

“Thank you” I say with a fake smile

My dad looks at the doctor, “Dr. Seok?”

“Yes?” she says turning to him

“Will this cause Jeongi any pain if the cancer progresses?”

“I am afraid so,” she continues “It always brings pain to the patients.” She frowns her lips

If feels as if my blood thickened when she said pain. “What kind of pain?”

“Well Jeongi,” Dr. Seok says “Where you are injected, there might be a burning sensation where the shot was injected. There is a lot that could happen.”

She hands me a small booklet with a lot of pages. “Here go.” She says smiling

“Thank you?” I say confused

“That will be all today. You two can head out the door on the right.” The doctor says

“Do I need to pay anything” my dad says

“Not today, you’re off the hook.” She says motioning her hands at the door.

“Okay thank you.” My dad says smiling his biggest smile

“No problem.  You two have a good day.”

“Thanks.” I say as we walk out the door.

“Sure.” I say as week walk out.

We walk out and get to the car. My dad looks at me with the same face he always makes, he smiles softly with the small wrinkles right at the creases of his eyes. His deep blue eyes. He always does the same look when he feels bad and is hiding what he really feels. We do the same thing, we hide the truth from the people we love. We think that it saves them from being hurt when really it just slowly breaks you apart from them. Slowly, lying gets easier, hiding the real from them gets easier and easier, until you don’t even think about lying when you do.

My dad unlocks the door and I get in. “Jeongi?” his soft voice speaks

“Yeah?”  I say looking up to him

He takes my hand and looks at me. “It’s going to be okay. This will all go away soon baby.” His soft wrinkles of his smiles soon go away and a glimmering, light tear runs down his ageing cheek.

“Oh Papa.” I say rubbing the tear away

“Jeongi, you don’t always have to be strong. It’s okay to cry, sweetheart.”

“I know Papa. But I have to stay strong for you and mama.” I say starting to cry

“I love you Jeongi. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Everything is my fault.” He says

“Papa. Stop doing that to yourself. Nothing is your fault. Everything is falling right where it needs to be.” My voice starts to break from the gasp of breaths, “What happens, happens. And what doesn’t happen, won’t happen. Okay?” 

“Okay, let’s go home.” He starts the engine

“Okay.” I say

“Tomorrow is your first day at the new school.” He says

“Yeah.” I say

“Not excited?”
 

“Not really. I don’t want to be the new kid again.” I say

“I promise you will have fun.” He looks at me “Jeongi, have some fun, it is your first year of college. Your studies can wait. Just live a little. Okay?”

“Papa. I just want to make you and Mama proud.” I say looking down

He looks at me with his soft, loving eyes. “Jeongi Chi Park, you have made us so proud. But we are sad that you haven’t lived any. I want you to live a long enduring life.”

“I will try.” I say

“That’s my girl.” He says chuckling

“You always know how to make me smile.”

My father and I have always been close. We always get along, we have only fought once. It was because mom had died and I said I wanted to be dead too. He had gotten very angry at me. He had said that we were in this together and that we cannot give up.

I look down at my phone. I had a text, it was from my best friend. It was Suga. It read:

Hey Jeongi, how did the appointment go?

I want to hear all about it when you get home,

Call me as soon as you can. Don’t forget about meds, and

Homework. Keep safe. Love you.

I reply:

Okay I promise I will. The appointment when okay.

I guess, the lady said that I have to have surgery. After the

Surgery, well, she said it is supposed to be gone. But that’s what

They said for chemo… that’s what got me here. Love you too. Call you later.

He replied back:

Okkkkkkkkkay. Sounds good talk to you latter.

I put my phone down and look at my dad. He looks at me weird. “What?” I say

“Are you texting Suga again?” he says smirking

“Yes I was, he asked if I was okay and to call him when I get home.”

“Wow Jeongi.” He says

“What?”

“I don’t see why you two don’t date.” He smiles

“Papa!” I yell

“I can tell the boy likes you.”

“Papa. We have known each other since kindergarten. We are just like brother and sister.”

“Whatever you say.” He laughs

I look at him with confusion. “How does he like me?”

“The boy texts you every second. Takes care of you, looks after you. And the way he looks at you. I can tell.”

“You are not serious, those are all things a brother would do papa.” I say

“Whatever you say.” He shrugs his shoulders.

“Oh papa.” I say. “Sometimes you make me think about things I don’t want to.” I look over and smile at him

“I know that is my job, right?”

“I guess.”

My phone buzzes and I look down to read it, it is from Suga:

Okay, Jeongi change of plans. I have some friends that want to

Meet up. And whether you like it or not….

YOU ARE COMING WITH ME.

 

I reply:

Ugh. Why do I have to go? I will just make everything awkward.

And even if I want to go, I have to ask my dad.

So HA!

Not long after my dad’s phone goes off. He hands it to me and asks me to read it to him. I take it from his hands and read it to him.

It is from Suga:

Good morning Uncle Park, it is Suga. I was wondering if I could take Jeongi

Out for dinner with a couple of friends for a little tonight?

I promise to get her home before midnight.

My dad grabs back the phone and pulls over.

“What are you doing?” I ask

“I am pulling over to call him and so you cannot turn him down. And so that you cannot put in the opposite than I say just to get out of this.” He says turning the wheel

“Wow Papa.” I pause. “You know me too well.”

He smiles and calls Suga. “Hello Suga. How are you?” he pauses to listen to him

“Yes I did get your text, and I think it would be great for her to get out of the house.” He pauses again. “I am trusting you young man. Take good care of her. And make sure she has fun for me. Okay, bye bye.” He hangs up the phone.