"Yeoboseyo? Eoh...Getting better..." Changsub cautiously trailed off. Sungjae felt the awkwardness in his hyung's voice with whoever he was on the phone with. Sungjae was playing with Sami and tried not to be obvious about his eavesdropping. Something isn't right. Hyung's never whispered on the phone, he thought. He inched his way to the couch where Changsub was trying to casually have a conversation on the phone.

From the corner of his eye, Changsub spotted Sungjae getting closer. "I have to go. Nae." He quickly ended the call and locked the phone screen. "Hyung?! Are you secretly dating or something?" his clueless dongsaeng asked. "What?! No!"
"Then what was that?" teased the maknae. "Aren't you going out? It's Saturday night." Changsub segued.

Sungjae lazily flopped himself on the couch and absentmindedly flicked through different channels on tv. "No, I'm staying home tonight, hyung." His hyung turned away from him to hide his smile of relief. But he was startled when he heard the remote control drop to the floor. He turned around only to see Sungjae walk sullenly to his room. His eyes then darted to the tv screen to see her, a preview of a show she guested in. Should I tell him? No, it's not my place to say, he argued with himself.

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Sungjae tossed and turned, trying to find a way to put himself to sleep. He just couldn't erase the image of her crying out of his head. Sooyoung-ah, you still keep me up at night. She looked perfect in her khaki trench coat from the tv screen earlier. How can it be so easy for you to move on? he thought. All the words he never said haunted him. He grabbed his phone and skimmed through his contacts list to her name. Just a 'hello' will do and I'll hang up. I just want to hear her voice, he convinced himself.

"Argh!" he shouted in frustration. What's the point? Even if I spill them all out to her, it's far too late for them to matter anymore, he justified.

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"..sleeping pills were prescribed."

"Wae?!...she looked fine.."

"..they're worried...spaced out often..."

"...getting out of hand...just tell him.."

"...no...figure it out on their own..."

Sungjae heard bits and pieces of the conversation happening in the kitchen between his three hyungs.  All three were startled when they saw his figure in the same room. "Hyung, what's going on?" their maknae asked. "Sungjae-ah, you and-" Changsub was cut off by Eunkwang. "-you and Sami made a mess in the living room. You gotta clean that up, palli."

"Do you guys really think I'm that stupid?" Sungjae asked flatly. Hyunsik, Changsub, and Eunkwang looked at each other nervously. "Sungjae-ah...sit down and just listen, jebal," Hyunsik said calmly.

------

"Wae?" Sungjae asked, "Why didn't you tell me she was there? Why did you have to call her? Is she alright? She seemed happy. Where is she?"

Those were just a few of the many questions he had. For his hyungs, but mostly for himself. He didn't realize he had teared up as he trailed off his last question. His hyungs looked at him, not knowing what to say or do. Among all the members, their youngest was one of those less likely to let go of his emotions. Their first concert was the last glimpse they had of their emotional, teary-eyed maknae.

Instinctively, the leader went up to their youngest to give a pat and hug, which he hoped would somehow ease the pain and regret he was going through. As soon as Eunkwang hugged him, Sungjae completely let go of everything he bottled up. 

"I can't pretend anymore. I can't put on this act as if I don’t feel that void every now and then..." he said in between sobs. All the older members could do was keep quiet and listen. They knew he needed to let it all out. For the longest time, Sungjae kept it all in, for the sake of not disappointing them. 

"It didn’t fall apart all in one day, but sometimes it feels like it did," he continued. "We didn’t try to save whatever we had from the damage that gradually came. We chose to let the ship sink. I chose to take the easy way out."

His two other hyungs came up to him next. Changsub ruffled his hair gently, while Hyunsik patted his back. Changsub walked towards the fridge, took out two bottles of soju, and placed them on the island counter in front of Sungjae. "Changsub-ah, what the hell?!" Eunkwang said, surprised. "Hyung? Do you seriously want me to drink now?!" Sungjae asked in disbelief. All Hyunsik could do was open his eyes wide in surprise, before Changsub spoke up defensively.

"Relax, yeorobun! It's for me. I can't take all this drama anymore. Sungjae-ah, I can never and will never figure out what's inside your head, but can we all agree that you're an idiot for this one?," Changsub said. "Joy-ah's been torturing herself by taking all the blame after she saw you that night you acted stupid."

Hyunsik tried to stop Changsub. "Don't, Changsub...", but he was cut off.

"Now she depends on pills to get to sleep, Irene wakes up to Joy-ah crying in her sleep. You almost drank yourself to death! All because you two decided to break it off one night?! Ah, jinja?!" Changsub ranted exasperatingly, as he chugged down the bottle of alcohol.

Without hesitation, Sungjae got up and marched to his room. In less than a minute, he marched out. He was putting on his jacket, while walking towards the front door. "What the-? Where are you going?" asked Eunkwang.

"I'm going to her." Sungjae firmly replied, leaving his hyungs dumbfounded.

I don’t care anymore, Sooyoung-ah...
Tonight, I promise myself to walk to you...

END

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