He crumbles to the ground in a heap after both of them leave. He’s never felt lonelier before, the only sounds he hears being that of his own tears and the steady tick-tock of the clock that drives him more insane with every passing second.

He’s crying, the hardest he’s ever cried for years, and the pain that sears through his heart is a white-hot flame that threatens to burn down every defense he’s every built up in his lifetime. He’s crouched on the ground trembling, crying until no more sound leaves his lips and crying until all his tears have run dry.

It hits him, hard, that both of them are gone now.

He had always gone to Siwon; and he had always been the first to leave.

This time, Siwon had come to him, and Siwon had been the one to leave.

And the guilt overwhelms him, because he knows that when he told Siwon that he loved him too, he had been speaking a lie. And it kills him more, because with one glance at the crystal-like tears spilling down Siwon’s cheeks when he pushed him away, he knows that Siwon knew, too.

Siwon knew that he was never in love with him.

“Damn bastard,” he chokes out weakly, and this time he’s referring to the other one who left. Park Jungsoo.

Not that he blames him for leaving. The man who had given up so much for him, made so many promises; the man he had always leaned against and burdened, the man who always smiled at him and never asked for anything in return.

He’s never felt this way before; he’s never felt this pain before. He stays there unmoving, with tearstains on his cheeks and his eyes bloodshot from crying, and for a brief moment he wonders if he can just stay like this forever and die.

That moment when he pushed Siwon away, he realized who he was.

A disgusting creature.

That’s all he is.

A disgusting, self-centered creature. He knew from a while back that Siwon liked him more than just a temporary partner. He knew from a while back that Siwon was just somebody he used freely to take his mind off things.

His fingers dig into his palm. He knows now. He knows of the way Siwon must have hurt every time insincere words slipped from his mouth. He knows of the way Siwon’s heart must have been split into two when he pushed him away.

What disgusts him the most is that fact that he still wants to be this selfish, disgusting creature.

What disgusts him is that he broke someone’s heart, and yet his own heart pines for somebody else.

What disgusts him is the fact that the entire time with Siwon, the only one who he thought about was Jungsoo.

He’s too weak to bother crying now, only staring at the floor blankly.

What disgusts him the most is the fact that he’d rather break someone else’s heart over his own.

He wonders why he can never be as altruistic as those tragic characters in romance novels who would sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of someone they loved.

Because you’re not altruistic or anywhere near perfect.

You’re just a tragic, selfish bastard.

He doesn’t feel much as his mind whispers darkly to him.

He already knows. He knows he’s a selfish bastard trapped somewhere between a tragedy and a fantasy. He knows he’s a fool who fell for the wrong person at the wrong time. He knows he’ll never be the selfless idiot who would give up everything just so somebody else could be happy.

He hates himself sometimes.

Especially times like these.

Pressing his cheek to the cold of his floor, he realizes that he could never have lived with the other option. He could never live with Siwon being happy while he suffers quietly.

Or perhaps he could never live while seeing Jungsoo happy with someone who isn’t him.

The realization hit him full-force when he felt Siwon’s lips on his and he stared at him and the only thing that crossed his mind was that Siwon wasn’t the one he wanted, that Siwon shouldn’t be the one standing here kissing him.

The realization hit him full-force that he was in love with somebody. Somebody else.

And then Siwon had opened the door to see Jungsoo standing there, and then he had gone to speak with Jungsoo, and then he had screwed up.

He realizes now that he should have clung on to Jungsoo, like a man desperate for air. But his proud heart had refused, refused to beg like some pathetic low-life. His proud heart had stopped him, stopped him from running to Jungsoo and begging him to stay.

You mean, why am I here when you have Siwon?

His proud heart had been angry then; he had just pushed Siwon away, he had rejected the man, and yet Jungsoo was accusing him of being a selfish bastard who couldn’t make up his mind.

It feels like a truck had plowed into him as he lies alone, his chest rising with unsteady breaths and his shoulders trembling. After what feels like hours, he succumbs to his exhaustion and allows his body to go limp, his swollen, tear-stained eyes staring blankly at nothing in particular.

Of course he was right.

That’s all he is, a selfish bastard who can’t make up his mind.

His proud heart protests. It tells him that he’ll look like a desperate fool if he runs to one of them and begs them now.

His mind speaks otherwise. It tells him to run, find the only person he’s ever loved in his entire lifetime, tells him that it’s better to break one heart and save his own rather than break three and watch as two people walked away from him.

For a while, he believed that he had cried himself dry of tears, but he feels a familiar wetness on his cheeks as more tears begin to slide down slowly. For the first time in his life, he listens to his mind instead of his proud heart, because he comes to the realization that he’d rather die than dream of Jungsoo leaving him, too.

His body is fragile as he picks himself up, his legs shaky. He cares little about his own appearance, stumbling out of his door and making his way into the lift, where he presses the floor to Jungsoo’s apartment.

He doesn’t really realize what he’s doing until he’s standing directly outside the apartment. Then, he’s laughing quietly to himself, because he seems like some girl in a romance novel who has fallen too deeply in love.

His proud heart cries, and he throws all its little warnings to the wind, jabbing his finger against the doorbell for the first time. He keeps his head down, so Jungsoo doesn’t have to see how much of a damn mess he is.

Jungsoo doesn’t open the door.

He rings again, and he hears a shuffling sound from inside the house, but no one opens the door. And he’s breaking down inside, because he can see how his story ends; the perfect friend, who promised to stay by his side forever, will leave him too. And then he’ll be all alone in his misery, trapped within the chapters of his messed-up fantasy-turned-tragedy.

He presses it for a third, a fourth time. Jungsoo ignores him. He wonders if Jungsoo can see the way his shoulders are shaking so hard because all he can do now is cry helplessly. It would be better if he cried pretty, like all those actors and actresses in dramas, but he doesn’t cry that pretty. His face is a mess, his eyes red and tearstains down his cheeks.

His finger is shaking as they rest on the doorbell; the fifth time. If Jungsoo ignores him again, then – his proud heart is crumbling bit by bit at the thought – it was really goodbye. His chances were gone, and he had screwed up too many times to ask for forgiveness.

He’s aware of the haunting desperation in his eyes as he looks up into the camera and presses it for the final time, almost prepared to turn away.

There’s a moment of breathlessness, a moment where it seemed like time froze; his facial expression remains unchanging, and all the sounds have faded off into the background except for the unsteady thud of his own heartbeat.

He wonders if this is how it’s going to be, lying in bed every night listening to his own heartbeat and laughing as he wonders how he managed to screw up so badly.

The door opens.

Just a tiny crack, but it opens.

He half-walks, half-falls towards the crack and he looks through, his gaze meeting Jungsoo’s. They’re a reflection of each other, a beautiful mess with their puffy, red, tear-stained eyes, tangled hair, the way they both didn’t know whether to close the gap or run away and never look back.

“What?” Jungsoo asks in a voice so small, so broken, his proud heart falls into pieces.

“You promised you would always be there for me.” The words leave his lips unintentionally, barely a whisper, and he feels his senses crumbling along with his heart.

When Jungsoo steps back, he enters the apartment and shuts the door softly behind them.

The first words that leave Jungsoo’s mouth are “I’m sorry”, and a wave of déjà vu runs over him as he remembers the way this all started.

You were always so perfect.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

You’re always so perfect.

“Why are you here?” Jungsoo asks him, and he’s aware that both of them are trembling. Jungsoo’s eyes are so desperately intense, he doesn’t know whether he should stare deep into their depths or tear his gaze away.

“To apologize.”

Because I’m a selfish, proud bastard and I hate it and yet I can’t do anything about it.

He breathes out, a million thoughts racing through his brain at the same time as he desperately fishes for the right thing to say. In the end, words just fall lamely out of his mouth. “First off, I’m sorry about Siwon.”

He bites his lip. He never knew that falling in love was such a difficult thing. “It’s true, what Hyukjae said,” he tells Jungsoo, and he feels like a hammer is plunging into his chest with every word. “We did have a thing going on before my enlistment. But… Today, he came to my house. I didn’t ask him to come.”

He’s never come before. You’ve always been the one to come to me.

Jungsoo watches him with an eerie calm about him. “You still…”

He flinches a little, because he knows what Jungsoo is trying to say, and he hates every moment of it, he hates the thought of Siwon’s hands on his skin and their lips against one another now. He hates the thought of everything he’s done, every person’s heart he’s screwed up; including his own messed-up heart.

“I couldn’t.” One glance at Jungsoo’s face, and he’s aware that the leader doesn’t fully believe him. “He wanted it, but I couldn’t do it.” He’s inwardly shuddering at the thought now – is this what true love makes one feel, he wonders – and he reaches up to dig his nails into the place where Siwon kissed his neck hard, not wincing as pain shoots through his body. “I couldn’t. He kissed me and it felt so wrong.”

It’s all your damn fault, Jungsoo.

“You’ve done it before, with him,” Jungsoo counters, “So why-”

“H – he…” He hates the way his voice shakes weakly. “I was never in love with him.” His proud heart cries a little as he lets Jungsoo break down all his defenses, confessing to all his mistakes and screws up.

“I was never in love with him,” he repeats, and he’s glad when the stutter isn’t present anymore. “He was a way to take my mind off things.” It sickens him to the core now that he thinks back on it. “I knew it was wrong, which was why I was relieved in a way when he ended things before my enlistment.” What a liar. Why did you cry when he left, then? “But then he came back.”

“Then why did you let him?”

He doesn’t know what hurts him more, the soft accusation in Jungsoo’s every word or the fact that there’s nothing he could do because Jungsoo is always ing right about everything. For a moment, he wants to explode, wants to yell, ‘Fine, you’re right, I’m just a screwed-up !’

“Because of you,” is the only thing he can think to blurt out at that moment.

Jungsoo looks at him.

“What?”

“To take my mind off you,” he admits, holding Jungsoo’s gaze in his own. “But when you crossed my mind, I pushed him away, because a realization hit me then.” He laughs, and it comes as a part-chuckle, part-breath. “You know I’ve never been in love before. Siwon wasn’t an exception.”

Until you.

Jungsoo nods.

“Jungsoo.” His voice has dropped to something akin to a whisper, and he can hear his own heartbeat reverberating around the walls of his ribcage. “You asked me to choose one person.”

He doesn’t know where he sums up the strength to do so, but his legs move one step closer to Jungsoo.

Jungsoo doesn’t move back.

“If I asked you if you loved me, would you say yes?”

There’s a part of him that aches for Jungsoo to confirm it, for the soft affirmation to slip from his lips; it translates into disappointment and then numbness when Jungsoo doesn’t react.

Why would he say yes, after I screwed up so much?

“Because it’s you,” he chokes out, “I would choose you.”

All is silent as both of them watch each other, the only sound occupying the air being the sound of their breathing.

A tear, shaped like the smallest pebble, rolls down Jungsoo’s cheek.

“When you asked me if I was in love with you,” he continues, walking closer, “I’d say yes.”

The tears roll down again, faster this time.

“You’ve always been the perfect friend,” he whispers, walking close enough so that their bodies are almost touching. “You’ve always been there for me.”

He raises a quivering hand to wipe the tears away from Jungsoo’s cold cheeks. Jungsoo doesn’t stop him. “So,” he says, with a faint smile ghosting over his lips, “I came to you this time.”

He can sense both of them breaking simultaneously; the walls that they built to protect themselves from one another collapsing to the ground. Jungsoo is still silent, only looking at him with those tenderly sorrowful eyes.

He swallows. “You asked me to make my choice.” He Jungsoo’s cheek again, and Jungsoo doesn’t push him away. “The people I used to go out with. They’re nice, they’re kind, they treat me well and they don’t ever refuse me like you do. If I ask for a kiss, they’ll do it without hesitation. If I tell them to be mine, they will.” His hand drops from Jungsoo’s cheek to his hand, where his fingers tangle around Jungsoo’s with some form of insistence. “But they don’t make me smile like you can, they don’t promise to stay by me forever like you, they don’t dare to nag at me like you do, they don’t act like an idiot with me like you do-” He pauses for breath, because the tears are welling up and choking him a little, “- When they kiss me, it’s nothing like the way you make me feel, when they hold my hand I don’t feel anything close to what happens when I’m with you, and they’ve never made me cry over them like you are now.”

Their eyes, both immersed in a whirlwind of emotions, meet and that’s when all their walls vanish into thin air; a sound somewhere between a choked sob and a gasp escapes Jungsoo’s lips, and in that instant they close the gap between themselves without thinking twice; he allows himself to go limp in Jungsoo’s strong arms, his tears seeping through the fabric of Jungsoo’s clothes.

“If you asked me if I loved you,” Jungsoo whispers to him, “Of course I’d say yes.”

He leans against Jungsoo’s chest, smiling. The sound of his heartbeat is comforting.

“If you asked me to come to you,” Jungsoo murmurs, “Of course I’d come.”

“I know,” he replies, and in this moment he realizes this is what love means, and it’s beautiful. He looks up, and Jungsoo’s smiling down at him. “There’s one question you haven’t answered.”

He pulls back, but his grip on Jungsoo’s hand never leaves. His gaze meets Jungsoo’s searchingly. “If I asked you to kiss me, would you?”

A gentle chuckle reverberates from Jungsoo’s throat. He’s answered when the gap between them closes once again and he can taste Jungsoo intermixed with the salt from both of their tears. He smiles into the kiss, kissing Jungsoo deeply like he’s wanted to for a long time now.

When they finally break away from one another for breath, he can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face. “I’m fully sober right now,” he says, “So next time, believe me more when I tell you I’m in love with you.”

They both laugh, and it’s the sweetest sound that he’s heard in a long while.

“I love you,” Jungsoo whispers, and he’s heard it plenty of times, but it’s the first time those three words evoked so much emotion within him.

“I love you too.”

And he pulls Jungsoo closer to him, because it’s the first time he truly means it.

Love is mysteriously and deceptively confusing in all sorts of ways, with the ability to turn a fantasy into a tragedy in the blink of an eye.

There’s never a thing known as a perfect ending, not in reality.

But, Kim Heechul realizes as Park Jungsoo holds him tight and whispers little promises to him, this is their imperfect little fairytale.