He takes a small sip of his drink and makes a face as the strong liquor rushes down his throat. Hyukjae peers at him. “Are you sure you should be drinking? I mean, you don’t usually drink. Why did you call me here anyway? You hate drinking, and the first time I drank I was twenty-seven.”

“It’s just been two glasses, I’ll be fine,” he reassures his dongsaeng, ignoring the second question, but he’s aware of the rosy pink that’s beginning to spread across his cheeks. The last time he ever went drinking with somebody, it was one month ago, when he ended up having to let Heechul sleep in his house.

Which is precisely the reason why he’s drinking now.

He can’t get his mind off Heechul; off the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he looks when annoyed, the way they kissed.

It’s driving him insane.

He pours the rest of his third glass down his throat, feeling an unfamiliar buzzing sensation in his head. “Teukie-hyung, you should stop,” Hyukjae mutters, looking worriedly at his leader. “You’re not used to drinking, you’re drunk…”

“I’m not drunk.” The tiny bit of his mind that’s still sober forces him to say that, but it comes out a little slurred. “Maybe I am.”

The thoughts in his head, all collected and organized, are beginning to blur together, and he lets out a sigh at the prevailing thought in his head. I need to get Heechul out of my head.

He doesn’t really know when was the first time he realized he fell in love with the man. He’s dated for many years, sure, mostly long-term relationships; and all with girls. But after his last relationship ended, and he attempted to start a new one, somewhere halfway through he realized that he smiled more when Heechul talked to him than when his girlfriend cracked jokes, he realized that Heechul was the first person he’d think to call. And when he kissed a girl, he wouldn’t be able to prevent Heechul from crossing his mind.

And then Heechul had gone and gotten drunk and he had gone and taken advantage of the situation by accident and they had ended up in this mess. He still remembers the look on Heechul’s face, the way he said the word ‘stop’. He remembers the way his mind crashed down, how he had frozen at the word, how he fled from the room in fear.

He had never heard from Heechul since, and had never made any attempts to contact him either. Ever since he tried to delude both himself and Heechul that nothing had happened between them, even though they both know it’s a lie.

“What’re you thinking about?” Hyukjae says, peering closely at his – redder-than-usual face, thanks to the alcohol – in curiosity.

“Heechul,” he can’t stop himself from blurting out.

He freezes.

In a split second, he slaps on his fake smile and laughs. “The alcohol is really getting to my head, huh…”

Hyukjae raises an eyebrow, not fooled by his leader’s words. “Teukie-hyung, I’ve known you for too long to believe that,” he says flatly, “But if you didn’t drink, then you wouldn’t have admitted that to me, that’s for sure.”

“Admitted what?” He can feel the smile sitting awkwardly on his lips and internally curses the alcohol. And Heechul. If I didn’t fall in love with you I wouldn’t be in this situation. “I didn’t admit anything.”

Hyukjae’s gaze is unnervingly piercing. “I’ve seen the way you look at Heechul-hyung,” he admits finally, “I know you’re in love with him, Teukie-hyung.”

He can’t speak.

“How?” he asks evenly.

Hyukjae takes a small sip from his own glass of alcohol, while he silently curses Hyukjae for being so much more alcohol-tolerant than he is. Or perhaps Hyukjae is just sober because he hasn’t been downing glass after glass. “Ever since your last long-term relationship, you’ve just been having short failed ones. Possibly because you have feelings for someone you can’t have.”

“Doesn’t prove it’s Heechul,” he mutters, already knowing he’s probably going to lose this argument.

“Why are you always the first one by his side when he’s hurting? Why are you always watching him?” Hyukjae pauses, observing his facial expression, which is a mix of broken, awkward and sad all in one. “Why were you sad when he got a girlfriend? And why do you look so sad now when I mention him?”

“Fine.” He’s surprised by the laughter that slips from his mouth. “You’re right, Hyukjae.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t know I was that easy to read.” He shrugs a little. “Honestly, I didn’t know it myself either, for a while.”

“But now you do.” Hyukjae looks at him. “But did something happen?”

He doesn’t know if it’s because of the alcohol, or because he genuinely needs someone who he can spill all these secrets he’s kept for so long to. “I screwed up,” he confesses in a quick rush of breath. “I screwed up last month, when we went drinking.”

Hyukjae tilts his head a little. “Uh, I was completely drunk and Donghae just dumped me in my living room before leaving so I don’t really remember what happened. But yes, go on.”

“He told me he wanted to stay with me, so I let him stay in my house.” He hesitates, wondering how much to tell Hyukjae. “He was drunk. Very drunk.”

Hyukjae’s eyes widen in understanding. “Ah… So, you-”

“We kissed,” he states bluntly. Hyukjae’s expression doesn’t change, as if unsurprised. “And he told me to stop.”

This time, a look of surprise crosses Hyukjae’s face. “He was drunk, but he told you to stop?”

He shrugs. “There was this kind of light in his eyes. As if he had regained some sobriety in that instant and realized that I wasn’t the person he wants to be kissing. We haven’t spoken since. I told him to forget anything ever happened, and we haven’t spoken since.” He lets his head drop. “I screwed up, Hyukjae-ah.”

Hyukjae looks at him. “I didn’t take you to be the person who liked men, to be honest.”

“I didn’t,” he mutters, “Until Heechul. The worst part is Heechul is the biggest lady’s man out there, and I had to kiss him.” He smiles. “It would be less awkward if I were a girl who got rejected. But I’m a guy.”

“Teukie-hyung?” He looks up to see Hyukjae clearing his throat awkwardly, his tone dropping to a lower volume. “I honestly shouldn’t be telling you, and I don’t know if it’ll make you feel better or worse. But Heechul does like men.”

He nearly chokes on – nothing in particular, he just gapes at Hyukjae in disbelief. “How? Have you seen the number of girls that guy has gone out with?”

“He’s never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a few months,” Hyukjae fires back, “And I swore to keep this secret, but before Heechul’s enlistment, he and Siwon were… Together.”

It’s almost like a slap to his face. In an instant, it feels like his blurry thoughts have been forced back to their collected organization, like every drop of alcohol has been drained from his system. He fixes a focused gaze on Hyukjae. “Heechul… and Siwon?”

He doesn’t know whether to smile, laugh or cry. The fact that two members were having a relationship of sorts without anyone knowing, even their leader; the fact that Heechul indeed had a thing for guys; the fact that Heechul was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t him.

“Are they still…?” He trails off.

“I don’t know. Heechul drank with Taeyeon last night, she said he ditched him halfway.”

“Where were they drinking?” As he asks the question, he feels his heart thumping in his chest, because he’s already fearing the worst.

“Gangnam.”

And there it is. The shocking truth, the revelation that he had feared so much. Heechul had gone to Siwon when he was drunk. No one had taken him there; he had gone by his own free will. He scoffs to himself – so this is what it feels like when someone you love chooses someone else over you.

“Teukie-hyung,” Hyukjae says gently, “If you’re really in love, then why don’t you just confess to Heechul-hyung?”

He smiles wryly. “It’s not that easy. I don’t really want to go to his house to be rejected again.”

“What if he doesn’t reject you?”

What if?

He has Siwon.

But what if?

“Life isn’t a fairytale, Hyukjae-ah,” he can only whisper helplessly.

Hyukjae smiles. “Heechul-hyung’s and Siwon’s relationship isn’t a fairytale either, hyung. Won’t you trust me and go for it?”

“I… can’t.”

“If you’re so in love with him, will you not even bother to try?” Hyukjae presses. A conflicted look clouds his face, and he tries to control the millions of thoughts running through his head, all centered around the same person.

“I think we should stop here, hyung,” Hyukjae continues after a brief pause, “You should go home and think. I’ll pay.”

His head is spinning too much with everything that Hyukjae has told him to argue; standing on somewhat shaky legs, he nods towards Hyukjae. “Thanks. I’ll pay the next time.”

“Just go,” Hyukjae laughs, “Knowing you, the next time might be quite a while later.”

He smiles weakly, turning and exiting.

His instincts drive him towards seeing Heechul, his brain argues venomously.

But he supposes that’s the main thing that highlights his and Heechul’s differences; he always thinks with his head, while Heechul acts on his instinct.

He goes to his own house and closes the door.

Four-half; Lee Hyukjae

He watches with a thoughtful expression as his leader leaves the place, his mind clearly wandering. He chuckles to himself. I didn’t expect Teukie-hyung to confess that easily.

He’s seen it all many times, watching an outsider; probably due to the number of years that he’s known them, coupled with the knowledge that Heechul had been in a relationship with a guy.

He has seen the way Jungsoo had to fight to keep up a smile every time Heechul declared he was going to confess to a girl. He has seen the way Jungsoo had to fight to keep a smile down every time Heechul ended a relationship with a girl.

He has seen the way Jungsoo was always next to Heechul when he needed him; he has seen the way Jungsoo had pressed the number 4 on speed dial to call Heechul.

He can’t pinpoint a specific date when Jungsoo fell in love with Heechul, but he has seen videos on YouTube of their Super Camp; he has seen the way Jungsoo laughed when Heechul danced energetically. A small chuckle escapes his lips as he remembers watching the kissing games with disbelief – the way their lips touched while biting down on the pepero stick, the way Jungsoo’s eyes closed for no one but Heechul. The way Jungsoo used his tongue – he can’t help but chuckle more at the pure transparency of his leader – during the paper kiss in his attempt to kiss Heechul for real.

He takes a sip of his alcohol, finishing the last drop before asking for the bill. To tell the truth, he isn’t exactly an expert when it comes to love, considering he hasn’t dated half as many girls as Heechul or had as long of relationships as Jungsoo.

But he can see what they can’t. He can see that way Jungsoo is so blindly in love with Heechul, it almost hurts him too to see Jungsoo staring at the back of the other 83-liner as he chats with somebody else.

He can see what both of them can’t see. He’s spilled to Jungsoo that the way he loves is too transparent, too clear in his eyes; but what he never told the man, partly to avoid getting his hopes up too high, partly to let him make his own move, was the way Heechul looked at Jungsoo in a way that was more than just friendship. Perhaps not the same devotion that Jungsoo had of Heechul, but something faintly bordering on the concept of love.

Jungsoo has known what love feels like before; and now he has dedicated – or rather, had little choice in the matter but to dedicate – that feeling to Heechul. Heechul has never known what love feels like; and he has little idea of what emotions he harbours towards the leader.

But he has seen the way the corners of Heechul’s eyes crinkle up in a genuine smile when Jungsoo cracks a joke, the way Heechul laughs so loudly and freely around his friend.

He has seen the way that Heechul didn’t seem too disappointed when Jungsoo’s relationship ended. He has seen the way Heechul’s gaze darted quickly to Jungsoo when he announced a new relationship.

He has seen the way Heechul defends the leader, warning the younger ones not to play around with him too much; he has seen the way Heechul clicks the name at the top of his contact list to call Jungsoo.

He has seen the way Heechul’s eyes closed only for Jungsoo as their lips touched for that fleeting second on camera; he has seen the way Heechul didn’t push Jungsoo away even when he stuck his tongue through the paper and into Heechul’s mouth.

He can see the way Heechul’s lips curve into such a genuinely joyous smile around Jungsoo, he can see the way Heechul cares so genuinely for Jungsoo.

More than he cares for Siwon.

The thought crosses his mind briefly, and guilt and pity for his friend overwhelms him; he signs the bill hastily before standing up to leave.

But it’s still true.