He had dreamed last night. It had been a sweet dream, a dream where everything was perfect. He had been there with Heechul, and everything had been okay in their world. He doesn’t remember the full details of the dream, as was the case with most dreams.

But he remembers telling Heechul ‘I love you’, and he remembers hearing Heechul whisper it back to him.

What a nice fantasy.

Halfway through his schedules, Heechul calls and demands for a kiss. He’s taken aback, of course, but he laughs and says no.

It makes his heart lighter, though.

And then at around four in the afternoon, all his sweet dreams and living fantasies are rudely destroyed.

He’s finished with his schedules, and he stops outside Heechul’s house for a quick visit. He’s about to ring the doorbell when he hears a shuffling sound and the door swings open.

He comes face-to-face with Siwon.

The man who Hyukjae said used to be in a relationship with Heechul.

His feet are rooted to the ground in his shock, and he can do nothing but gape at the younger member.

In that moment, the fantasies that he’s been writing in his head are erased and the love songs he has been singing in his heart turn silent.

There’s the sound of footsteps as Heechul runs to the door. He hears his name fall from Heechul’s lips, he hears Heechul asking why he’s here.

Siwon nods to him and then exits.

He doesn’t move.

“Why are you here?” Heechul repeats, his voice cracking a little. “Jungsoo.”

“You mean, why am I here when you already have Siwon?” he queries, hating how cold and detached his voice sounds, but it’s the only way he can speak without breaking down into tears in front of Heechul.

“Don’t misunderstand.” There’s a stammer in his tone.

“Hyukjae told me everything,” he says, almost breathlessly, seeing a rush of emotions run across Heechul’s face in that instance. Confusion, shock, fear, awkwardness. “I know, Heechul-ah. That you love Siwon.” He smiles. “Now I know why you told me to stop.”

It’s killing him inside every time he smiles at Heechul now. He understands now why Heechul told him to stop. He understands why Heechul treats his kiss as a simple joke.

“Jungsoo, please.” Heechul shakes his head. “It’s over with Siwon.”

“It didn’t seem that way,” he counters, raising an eyebrow at the place where Siwon had been standing at just minutes ago. “The red mark on your neck says otherwise, too.”

It gets his blood boiling, just thinking about someone else’s lips on Heechul’s skin, but he supposes what breaks his heart the most is that he has no right to feel angry. Heechul was never his.

“I pushed him away,” Heechul whispers. “I didn’t close my eyes when he kissed me, and when he kissed me I pushed him away. That was the last time.”

He hesitates. Pushed him away? “Why?”

“I thought of you.”

It causes him to scoff. “This isn’t really the way to gain forgiveness from someone, Heechul.”

“What I’m saying is the truth, though,” he murmurs. “You won’t believe me?”

He feels like he’s tearing out a piece of his heart. “Why should I believe you?” he shoots back, even though his voice is weak. “It’s been more than ten years, Heechul. If nothing happened between us back then, why should anything happen now?”

“Do you love me?” Heechul asks so suddenly that for a moment words fail him.

Yes.

Unfortunately, yes.

What a difference reality is from his dreams. In his dreams, he said it first, and Heechul said it immediately after.

He meets Heechul’s gaze steadily. “Are you in love with me?”

Both of them let the silence hang thick and heavy between them.

“What if I say yes?” Heechul asks.

He forces himself to stop the tremors down his spine at the words. “You won’t.”

Heechul doesn’t respond.

It hurts.

“Don’t play me like this, Heechul,” he says, and his tone is a part-way between defeated and tired and heartbroken. “You can’t have two people at once.”

“If I choose one, and I choose you, then can I have you?” he responds swiftly.

“Please, stop it.” His voice is a lot quieter now, weary.

Yes.

His selfish heart cries. His selfish heart cries for Heechul, pines for the man more than anything else in this harsh reality. His selfish heart wants to have Heechul all for himself, his selfish heart wants him to be Cinderella’s prince.

His selfless mind cries. His selfless mind cries for Siwon, the man who was in love with Heechul, the man who had to watch in silence if Heechul didn’t choose him. His selfless mind doesn’t want to see Siwon suffer, doesn’t want to see Siwon cry if Heechul doesn’t choose him.

“You have Siwon,” he says, meeting Heechul’s gaze, and he’s surprised to read the brokenness and sorrow that his eyes contain. “Don’t break his heart.” His fingers are curling into fists, feeling his selfish heart beginning to crack here and there.

Heechul doesn’t reply, or can’t reply, he doesn’t know. But he holds his gaze for a little while longer, sorting through the mess of emotions in his eyes that have become easy for him read.

When he turns away and heads into the elevator, his selfish heart cries, cursing him for turning his back, cursing him for ruining yet another chance.

But when it came to using mind and instincts, Heechul had always been the one to listen to his heart, and he had always been the one to use his brain.

He prefers it that way.

He keeps his chin up as he keys in his passcode and enters his house; he walks over to his closet, pulling out a fresh change of clothes and entering the shower. It hits him five minutes in, and his false pretense of strength crumbles just like that; it hits him hard, and he can’t prevent the tears that fall from the corners of his eyes, intermixing with the water from the shower that runs down his face.

It’s hard to understand what’s making him cry the most. Perhaps because the realization hits him that he’s so desperately in love with Kim Heechul.

He’s so in love that it hurts, because he has no idea whether Heechul could ever love him back or not.

He’s so in love that it hurts, because when he saw another man standing in the doorway of Heechul’s apartment he had felt his entire world crumble down around him.

He’s so in love that it hurts, because if Heechul asked for his love he would still give it to him willingly.

He punches the shower wall, but even his punch is weak. He feels useless, his four walls that he spent so long building up being destroyed by just one person. He can’t do anything but stand in the shower and cry hard, his shoulders trembling.

He’s so in love that he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

He’s breaking down alone, and for a moment he wants to call someone to be here with him; it only makes him smile bitterly when he realizes the only friend he has on speed dial.

He steps out of the shower, and his body is still trembling, tearstains still adorning his paler-than-normal cheeks. He throws on his clothes carelessly, stepping out of the shower and checking his phone in an attempt to distract himself.

His plan is foiled when he sees the first notification; a text sent from Kim Heechul.

Come over.

He doesn’t reply.

Please?

He stares at his phone, but he doesn’t respond to that either.

His phone screen lights up again, another message from Heechul.

I need you right now.

He closes his eyes, fighting the tears that threaten to spill again. He hates crying. It makes him feel so weak, so useless.

His doorbell rings.

He figures it’s Heechul.

He ignores it.

It rings again, and he sighs, heading over to check the intercom. His head is down, not showing his face, but he can recognize easily enough that it’s Heechul.

Again.

He ignores it.

Again.

He ignores it.

It rings again, and this time Heechul looks into the camera. He’s surprised at the puffiness of Heechul’s eyes, the way his hair is a complete mess, the way the emotions in his normally bright eyes hold tremendous sadness, like a raging typhoon in the midst of a sunflower field.

He can’t ignore it.

Not just because his selfish heart is crying, but because his mind can’t stand to see Heechul in this state either; so broken.

He hesitates with his hand resting on the door handle, swallowing thickly. His fingers unlock the door deftly and open it a crack, coming face to face with a swollen-eyed Heechul. He’s aware that his eyes are probably just as swollen and red.

“What?” he says, his voice a mix between a crack and a whisper.

One tear.

One small, crystal-like tear that slides down from Heechul’s left eye so quickly he almost missed it. Heechul stares up at him, and he’s momentarily speechless from how vulnerable, how broken, how alone he looks.

“You said you would always be there for me,” he whispers out.

His eyes widen, meeting Heechul’s own, filled with raw and exposed sorrow and fear and loneliness.

Hearing that one sentence, his heart breaks into a million tiny little pieces.

His arms have gone limp; almost stumbling, he takes a few steps back, his eyes fixed on Heechul. The man makes his way in, shutting the door with a quiet click behind him.

He’s never noticed how delicate Heechul’s frame seemed, he’s never noticed how fragile the man appeared to be until he observes him closely and sees all his tearstains and notices how vulnerable he is at this moment.

For a moment, he’s floored.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, even though he doesn’t mean to.

Heechul looks up at him, and there’s a flash of surprise within the depths of his dark brown eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he responds.

“Why are you here?” he asks, unable to prevent the tremor in his voice.

“To apologize.”

His selfless mind is glad, because that means that he hasn’t given up on Siwon, that he’s apologizing because he still wants Siwon.

His selfish heart cries, it cries hard and sends waves of sorrow spiraling through his veins because just an apology isn’t enough, it’ll never be enough unless it’s more than an apology.

Heechul exhales, as if searching for where to begin.

“First off,” he starts, a little awkwardly. His voice cracks, probably as a result of his tears earlier, and he laughs in embarrassment. “I’m sorry about Siwon.”

He bites his lip in thought. “It’s true, what Hyukjae said,” he confesses finally, “We did have a thing going on before my enlistment. But…” He pauses. “Today, he came to my house. I didn’t ask him to come.”

“You still…” He can’t bring himself to finish his sentence.

“I couldn’t,” Heechul responds weakly. “He wanted it. But I couldn’t do it.” His hand trails up to his neck, where a red mark remains; his eyes widen as Heechul digs his nails into the mark, as if trying to dig the mark out, get rid of its traces. “I couldn’t. He kissed me and it felt so wrong.”

“You’ve done it before, with him,” he murmurs. “So why-”

“H – He…” Heechul’s voice is trembling, and this is the most vulnerable he has ever seen the infamous diva. “I was never in love with him.”

His mind cries, but his selfish heart celebrates.

“I was never in love with him,” Heechul continues, a little stronger this time, “He was a way to take my mind off things. I knew it was wrong, which was why I was relieved in a way when he ended things before my enlistment. But then he came back.”

“Then why did you let him?” he asks in a half-whisper.

Heechul hesitates, almost as if scared to speak. “Because of you,” he blurts.

He blinks.

“What?”

“To take my mind off you,” Heechul says, raising his eyes to capture Jungsoo’s trembling orbs. “But when you crossed my mind, I pushed him away, because a realization hit me then.”

He laughs breathlessly. “You know I’ve never been in love before. Siwon wasn’t an exception.”

He nods. He knows Heechul has never known love before. That’s why it hurts so much, because he realized he wasn’t an exception either.

“Jungsoo.” Heechul’s tone is quiet. “You asked me to choose one person.”

He takes a step towards him. “If I asked you if you loved me, would you say yes?”

He doesn’t respond.

Yes. I would.

Of course I would, you idiot.

There’s no way I could never say yes.

“Because it’s you,” Heechul says, and his world freezes in time for a moment. “I would choose you.”