“Let’s break up.”

The first time those words had been uttered between the two of them, it had been because of Minseok. It was during one of his rare trips to China—the last he would take for a long time, but he hadn’t known then. The long distance hurt, and though the singer was able to frequent the separate country because of their fans, Minseok knew they couldn’t keep this up for much longer. Grainy skype calls and tired phone calls couldn’t make up for the lack of physical contact they had grown accustomed to having during the years they worked together—when they used to be in the same group.

It had been Lu Han’s incessant begging and pleading for Minseok to reconsider—to give it just a bit longer—to give them a chance. Lu Han reasoned that yes, the long distance was painful, but it would make the end result all the more worth it. That if Minseok could hold on for just a little bit longer, maybe a few more years, things would be back to normal between them—albeit secretly, but nonetheless the same.

Minseok had foolishly agreed. Though their schedules were grueling to the point where they hardly called each other anymore, Minseok trusted Lu Han’s words. He trusted that it would possibly all be worth it in the end.

“What?” Minseok stared at the screen of his computer. It was hard to see Lu Han—the camera quality equivalent to being recorded on a potato, and the Chinese man’s room was dark. Minseok could only make out the vague silhouette of his shape and the faint patches of light that fell over his shoulders, arms, and cheekbones.

“I think we should break up.” Lu Han said one more time. He said it so easy and effortlessly, Minseok thought he had heard wrong. “The long distance is hard… and it’s probably best for us both if we were to just move on.”

Minseok stared at Lu Han—well, the shape of Lu Han. He couldn’t even see what face the man was making. He wanted to ask why. He wanted to ask why he had made Minseok wait another two years before repeating the words that the elder had spoken before. At least Minseok had said it in person.

How easy it must’ve been to sound so unaffected behind a computer screen.

“Oh.” Minseok trailed off, staring down at his crossed legs and picking at the calluses on his toes mindlessly. A result of grueling practices and performances.

“We’ll find other people—people who are closer to us. You deserve better Minseok… I can’t be there for you like I want to.” Lu Han said quickly, the shape of his head turning like he was looking elsewhere. Minseok wasn’t entirely sure. He couldn’t see the other man’s eyes. The elder could only nod slowly and wonder why the words sounded so hollow and fake.

“I mean… you could always come here.” Minseok tried with a quiet voice. He didn’t want to let go now—not after Lu Han had promised him that if he just held on—if he could just wait—things would be worth it. Things would be okay. Things could work out.

“You know I can’t.” Lu Han replied immediately. “Not with how relations between China and Korea are now. I wish I could, I really do—” Minseok wondered if he was really telling the truth. “But it wouldn’t work Minseok.”

Minseok wished he could repeat the words Lu Han had told him two years ago. The magical words that made even Minseok’s cautious and careful heart open up and stare wide-eyed into the future with hope.

He could only nod.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to hurt you like this. I just want what’s best for you.”

“Us, you mean.” Minseok said. Lu Han wasn’t saying this for Minseok’s benefit—it was for the both of them, if even that.

“Yeah. For both of us.” Lu Han’s pixelated head nodded.

“Okay.” Minseok said. His heart squeezed.

“Okay? Just okay?” The Chinese man parroted.

“Yeah.”

“So you’re okay with this?”

Minseok most certainly wasn’t. Not after putting his heart out on his sleeve. Not after living through the hard times of Lu Han leaving him, only to cling to the thin string of possibility that they would still be together. Not after being so ruthlessly cut down without even the courtesy of seeing the other man’s face for one last time.

“I’m fine.” Minseok smiled. He had gotten better at acting. Even Lu Han—a man who used to boast of knowing Minseok the most, being able to relate to Minseok the most, able to read Minseok the most—fell for it. His shoulders relaxed and the light caught the edges of his lips and cheeks as they spread open in a smile.

“I’m relieved…” The younger man sighed breathlessly. “I thought for sure you’d be upset—maybe even cry or something. But then again, you never cry. You’re too strong for that.” Lu Han laughed lightly.

Yeah—Minseok was too strong to cry over a person he hadn’t seen in nearly a year.

“It’s what’s for the best.” The Korean man repeated Lu Han’s words, trying to keep his throat from constricting his voice.

“Yeah… We have so many other people to meet. I want you to be happy Minseok—even if it means I’m not there.”

Minseok knew Lu Han meant well—at least, he thought he did. He just wished the words didn’t hurt as much as they did.

“I know Lu Han. I feel the same way.”

Though Minseok didn’t follow Lu Han on social media sites, he knew some of the other members did. He got most of his updates from Sehun—who was permanently addicted to his phone—and occasionally Junmyeon and Yixing, when the Chinese man had time to talk via a video call. Though they had broken up, Lu Han had assured Minseok they were still good friends—great friends—best friends. They had gone so many years relying and relating with each other, building a relationship that was hard to break, and Lu Han didn’t want to throw that way. Of course, Minseok hadn’t wanted to either, so he reluctantly agreed with a smiling face all the while ignoring the pain in his throat and chest.

So it came as a shock when Minseok glanced over their band leader’s shoulder to get a closer look at the man’s phone to see that Lu Han had gotten a girlfriend and even publicly announced it. Junmyeon had called him over to show the elder, surprise etched onto his features.

“Did you know about this?” The younger man had innocently asked, to which Minseok could only shake his head.

“No… this is the first I’ve heard of it.” The elder stood up straight, trying to stay strong, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the picture. The girl was cute—hiding her face against Lu Han like that—while Lu Han looked on at her with adoration. “Congratulations to him. That’s good that he can feel confident and announce it like that.” Minseok smiled.

It ing hurt.

“I guess.” Junmyeon said with a shrug. He seemed confused by Minseok’s reaction, but didn’t know why or how to address it. So he ignored it and let the older man walk away.

Minseok spent the rest of the day with Baekhyun and Jongdae. He used hanging out with each other as CBX as his excuse, and the other two bought it, but it was because Minseok needed them. He desperately needed to fight the emotion welling up in him. There was probably more than one—many that had labels that Minseok didn’t want to name. He didn’t want to acknowledge them. He was trying to move on.

He smiled and laughed with the two younger members. Their energies were infections to the extent that Minseok could forget the pain, even for just a little bit. He didn’t like to think of it as using them—but that’s what it was. He apologized to them in his head and made up for his selfishness by spoiling them as much as his wallet allowed.

The first time he met her, it was Minseok’s first time being back in China after a very, very long time. Yixing had taken them out in the dead of the night, their masks pulled high over their heads and hoods and hats tugged low on their heads. Their bandmate led he, Jongdae, and Baekhyun to a restaurant that offered private booths, and Minseok saw the face of the man he had been trying to forget for the first time in what felt like forever.

“Long time no see.” Lu Han stood to greet them like nothing happened. He didn’t really talk to the other EXO members besides Yixing anymore, so it was only expected that the other three would be a little awkward. The uneasy atmosphere only lasted for so long before they were falling back into their dynamics again. Jongdae and Baekhyun were open and carefree people—they weren’t ones to easily hold grudges, so it was like water passed the lips once they got going.

“This is my girlfriend by the way.” Lu Han introduced her proudly. Minseok grinned and clapped with the others congratulating him while she shyly hid her face behind her hands and peered up at Lu Han from under her lashes. Minseok swallowed the ball lodged in his throat as he watched Lu Han lean down and kiss her on the cheek lovingly.

He drank until he wanted to throw up—but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol or because of the painful tightness in his stomach he got every time he saw Lu Han brush his girlfriend’s hair behind her ear, or every time he leaned in to whisper something to her, translating their words for her to understand.

Minseok hated how his brain reminded him of the similarities—memories of a time when a certain someone would do the same for him when Minseok had been lost in language.

The knot only worsened when he read rumors on the web that it was possible that the pair had been dating long before they had announced their relationship. Minseok hugged the hotel covers close to his body as he desperately tried to convince himself that they had met after Lu Han had asked to break up on that ty skype call, and not before. He tried so hard, but Lu Han’s actions and the deep endearment he held in his eyes for that girl made it so hard to say otherwise.

It was a few years down the road until Minseok saw Lu Han again. It had taken a long time to forget, to get over the pain, but eventually it started to hurt less. Minseok could see a photo one of the members showed him of the man and not feel like he had a pit lodged in his stomach anymore.

They had all mostly gone their separate ways. They still had many activities together as EXO, but many of the members also had their own schedules to follow and attend. Some of the younger members were even in the midst of serving their military time. It was strange, not being the unified unit that they were supposed to be, but as with everything, Minseok grew accustomed to it.

He had received a letter in the mail—an invitation. It wasn’t long after that Minseok found himself taking a plane to China with Junmyeon in tow, their best suits in their suitcases, to attend the wedding of Lu Han and his betrothed.

Though Minseok wasn’t sure on the details, he knew through the industry grapevine that Lu Han had been on and off with his girlfriend before he finally decided to settle. There were already rumors wafting around about Lu Han’s indecisiveness and his brief hook ups with other women, but at the end of the day, Lu Han found his way back to the first.

The wedding ceremony was brief but beautiful. The pair had looked lovely, smiling so brightly and happily next to each other as they kissed to seal their vows. Minseok stood between Yixing and Junmyeon, clapping robotically as his stomach twisted.

Even after all this time—no matter how much he tried to deny and run away—Minseok still missed Lu Han. He swallowed so hard his ears popped as he tried to remember what it was like to kiss Lu Han, what it was like to hold his hand, what it was like to be the object of his affections, what it was like to be on the receiving end of his gaze that held so much love and fascination only an idiot would miss it.

Minseok stepped outside during the reception, chin wobbling and eyes stinging as he headed for the bathrooms. It was quiet out in the hall compared to the bustle of the reception. It had been kept small and private for the sake of keeping the press away—while a larger, more public reception would be held at a later date.

The Korean man splashed cold water onto his face from the faucet and looked at himself in the mirror.

It was pathetic, he thought, how even after all this time he still couldn’t let go. The longing was just as strong as it had been the day Lu Han had asked to end it all. The residual of hope that had been instilled in him by the younger’s promises so long ago—the desire for the man to break up with her instead and come back to him. It was so selfish, so unlike him, it nearly disgusted Minseok.

There was no way to deny it anymore. Minseok would never find anyone else like Lu Han.

He may have been replaceable to Lu Han, but to Minseok, Lu Han was irreplaceable to him.

Anyone else in the future would just be second best—a person that was good, but not as good as what Minseok did have—what he could have had.

“Hey,”

Minseok whipped around, eyes wide and b with tears of self-hate to see Lu Han standing at the entrance of the bathroom door.

“Everything okay?” The Chinese man asked. It was strange—though he had greeted Junmyeon and Yixing just earlier that day, it still felt strange to hear the man speak Korean. In a tongue that Lu Han had no use for anymore.

“Yeah—yeah, I’m fine. Just had to freshen up a bit.” Minseok quickly said as he reached over for the paper towel dispenser and yanked out two sheets to dry his face with—and hopefully pat away the extra water in his eyes.

“You were crying.” Lu Han said blankly as he stepped forward, his brows scrunched in worry. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Minseok paused, unsure of what he should say, before he nodded.

“I’m fine… I just got a little emotional.”

“Emotional? You?” Lu Han laughed, patting Minseok’s shoulder good-naturedly. “Since when do you cry ever?”

“I’m just so happy for you.” Minseok smiled up at the other man.

I’m just so angry at you.

“She’s beautiful Lu Han. I’m so happy you found her.”

Why couldn’t it have been me?

“Promise you’ll treat her well?”

You promised me.

“I promise.” Lu Han smiled gently. “I’m… happy. You’re happy for me.”

“I am. Of course I am.” Minseok huffed.

I’m not happy.

“Did you think I’d be jealous or something?”

I’m so jealous.

“I got over you years ago.” He laughed.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over you.

“Aw, don’t be like that. I know I’m irresistible.” Lu Han teased. It only made Minseok feel like .

The younger man stepped forward and reached forward. Minseok froze, stunned at Lu Han’s close proximity. He nearly flinched when Lu Han brought his thumb to his cheek and swiped away a stray tear. He didn’t move when Lu Han cupped his cheeks gently and leaned in, his lips pressing against Minseok’s head. When the taller man pulled away, he was smiling—so deceivingly soft and kind and gentle and everything that made Minseok hate him more and more because it was so hard to want to let go when Lu Han treated him so well. If only he was just mean and ugly with his words towards Minseok—it would be so much easier to forget about him then.

“Let’s go back to the reception hall.” Lu Han said more than asked as he took Minseok’s hand into his own, beginning to tug the smaller man along.

His heart lurched at the familiar contact—practically singing. He remembered the days when Lu Han was the one leading Minseok because the elder was too shy to step forward on his own. Days that used to be filled with love and passion. Days that had long since passed because it was what was best for them.

If it had been the Minseok of the past, he might not have pulled his hand away like he did now.

“I’ll be there in a bit.” Minseok lied. “You go on ahead.”

“Are you sure?” Lu Han asked skeptically, worry spread across his expression.  Minseok could only nod. He smiled brightly, hoping it would reassure the man.

Pacified, Lu Han smiled back and retreated with a small ‘see you in a bit then’ from the bathroom.

Finally alone, Minseok counted the seconds. He counted his breaths.  Then he called a taxi back to his hotel where he stripped his stifling suit off and showered the day’s sweat away.

Then he crawled into the hotel bed and cried and cried and cried.