suicide and depression, two very big words. 

seungkwan never liked either of them, they were too big and meant too much. they also meant questions. 

"how do you know though?"

"are you sure you're depressed? maybe you're just sad"

seungkwan also didn't exactly feel depressed, or suicidal for that matter. he didn't hate his life or feel like dying at a constant. he didn't hate himself, sure he knew he wasn't exactly a 10 but he knew he was a good guy and did have pretty good looks as well. neither did he fantasize about not living anymore or what it would be like if he did kill himself. he was a relatively happy individual, other than the usual ups and downs in life, he didn't feel like it was all that spectacular. 

and that was the problem. 

he did feel a little, empty? if that's even the right word. he felt like nothing was enjoyable really anymore. everything felt like his sisters cooking - bland. he had a good life, yes. he had good friends and a supportive family, yes. but somehow even within all the love and positivity around him, he couldn't find a way to embrace it, how to understand it. 

he had googled it,

"bad idea, google will tell you've got a brain tumor and are due to be dead in 24 hours" his friend mingyu had told him 

mingyu was right, for once. there had been multiple results of some kind of unknown disease people can't even prove. but then he found it. he clicked the blue link and was sent to a page about a mental illness called " anhedonia".

"apparently its when you have the ' inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.' sounds like me right?" seungkwan had asked mingyu as they sat in his room, sipping at their coffees, studying for their upcoming geography test. the break they decided to take ended up with seungkwan returning to that little blue link, which had now gone purple. 

"well, from what i've heard yeah, but that's up to you. also, don't you think self-diagnosis is a bit much? i think you should go see an actual therapist." mingyus suggestion wasn't entirely off the table, seungkwan had thought about it before but never ended up going through with it.

"well, i'd rather not, i just feel like its a waste of money" he had said.

 oh, how he wished that he had gone through with it in the end. 

mingyu was seungkwan's friend from middle school, they met when seungkwan first joined the school and was in the year below and he was all lonely and shy. mingyu helped him settle in and make him feel comfortable with everyone else in his own year. they'd been friends ever since the two knew each other better than anyone else in the world did, 

that is until jeon wonwoo moved to town.

it was in their first year of high school, seungkwan had heard about him first, as all the girls were gushing on the monday morning that wonwoo first arrived. mingyu was home, sick, with tonsillitis and didn't know until wednesday when he had come in. 

when the two did eventually meet, the connection was almost instant, in mingyu's case at least. he practically fell for wonwoo upon first meeting and seungkwan was gagging at how disgusting mingyu was when he started ranting about how pretty wonwoo's eyes are. 

after two months of pining, wonwoo gave in and they went out. the two eventually grew closer, a lot closer. seungkwan was jealous yes, he felt like he had lost his best friend, but he was kind and he knew that he had to be happy for mingyu. 

but how can he be happy for mingyu if he can't even properly be happy?

when it came to seungkwan's emotions it was never entirely pure. 

sure he felt happy when he got a good grade, or when he scored a point in basketball. sure he enjoyed hanging out with his friends and playing matches. but they never felt like real emotions, they felt repetitive and like he only had one form of happiness. he didn't ever feel so happy that he was completely and utterly breathless and that he felt alive and real. his emotions felt artificial and dull. 

sure they were there but they were never anything special, anything real. 

whenever his parents asked him how school was he gave a "fine, you know, it's school"

whenever he went out and someone asked how it was he'd say "ok i guess, nothing special" even if it was special, even if it was something that would leave most speechless. 

he no longer got that adrenaline rush from singing in front of crowds. 

he no longer got that feeling of fulfillment when he won a game.

he no longer felt alive.