Taeyeon POV

Everything seemed to have drastically changed since the night you walked out of my room, you seemed more escape and tired, not to mention that you got home late almost every night.

In the car you look tired, dead tired and you slept while leaning your head on the window. I have to confess that I’m really worried about you, about your well-being, what would you do at night, what is going on? Arriving at the venue, you head straight to the dressing room without greeting anyone.

After performing I wanted to go and ask you but Yuri and Yoona beat me to it, seeing you smile and laugh at their jokes made me breathe in relief.

At the restaurant I noticed that you glanced longingly at me from time to time then you sighed heavily. I knew it all, i heard it all, i could feel your pain but i didn't dare to look at you. I just pretended that i didn't notice it. I was sitting next to Tiffany and with her smiling at me and put some side dish in my bowl, I remembered when you used to do that to me. I unknowingly glanced at you as the memory came rushing into my head.

I’m sorry, the word that I really wanted to tell you but I couldn’t.

Things seem hazier, you seemed to have your mind somewhere else, even when we were promoting you looked more tired than you usually do. You went back to the dorm near dawn smelling alcohol almost everyday. You also didn’t show at our weekly meeting claiming that you had some fan sign to attend, in the group chat you just read and never answer any message. When they asked you a question, thankfully you still answered to it but it was super short and it was more like you didn't want us to know what happened to you. Everyone actually realized that you hid something from us. I don't blame you because i did too, I hid things from them as well.

ninety percent of the day, you looked so gloomy and quiet. Even in front of the camera, you seemed lonely and quiet. Meanwhile, the reason why I look happy because Tiffany stayed by my side. We all knew that Tiffany is our happy pills, She always happy all the time. That's why i seemed happy as well, though deep inside I was far from that. 

One time, I accidently heard Yuri told the others that you went clubbing after your schedule and they were all worried about you. It really broke my heart but I only swallowed the pain because i didn't want them to worry about me as well. 

Was that the reason you went home late at night for the past few months because you went clubbing and drinking? All by yourself? Or someone was there to fill the emptiness inside your heart? What were you doing at the club? Do you…. I can even say it.

I really hope not.

It feel weird, I guess that the table has finally turned, I feel jealous and angry without any reason. That night when I glanced at the clock and it was 4 in the morning and I heard the front door opened so I exited my room and I saw you sneaking with your head down. You walked so slowly because you were afraid to wake other people as well. Honestly, I wanted to follow you, to ask you, to know if you are at least alright. But before I could move my own feet, your door closed quickly making me halt all my attention to go to you so I changed my mind and went back to my own room again.

The next morning before we go to KBS, you walked out of your room to the kitchen and take some painkiller without looking at anyone, you looked like a dead person and usually you would greet me or at least glance at me, but this time you just go flatly straight ahead then walked back to your room without saying a thing.

At KBS, I heard Sunny asked you if you were alright and she held you in her arms, unknowingly I squeezed the sheet with my hand tightly. i felt a sting inside my chest because it should be me holding you and taking care of you, not someone else and the worst part, it was right in front of me. Seeing the scene, made me angry and jealous at the same time yet i was still glad that at least you didn't do it with Yuri.

Thinking about Yuri, I noticed something strange between you and Yuri. What is going on? I thought that you liked Yuri and you would start something anew after me. I guess I was wrong because it seemed like you didn't like anyone. You gave your love to me, only to see I pushed you away and stayed away from you.

I’m sorry, I should have been more considerate and less cold with you

After the performance, we got a break, however I see you taking another van, where are you going? My heart tights, I’m eager to know where you are heading to, do you have another schedule, why do they make you work so much like that?

I wish I could follow you and give you some comfort.

You left alone and no one followed you. We only glanced at one another, asking towards each other by having eye contact. I knew in their mind, they were asking where did you go? You just told them that you had something to do but you didn't say what it was. 

Once again, i could only stay silent and watched you from behind without you knowing it.

Tiffany approached me and