(This first chapter is from Yoongi’s point of view, but the majority of the rest of the story will be from a third-person point of view)

Yoongi’s P.O.V

My heart was aching more than it ever had before as I ran my hand through my hair looking down at the black water. It wasn’t the first time that I was standing on that huge bridge. I knew it too well, the exact spot I was standing on. The spot I had chosen years before we debuted, one dark night when my mother found out I was gay. It was the worst day of my life, truly. She screamed at me, tears running down her face from her bloodshot eyes. My mother who had been nothing but loving before that day told me I was going to hell, that I was going to die all alone and that no one would ever love me. Of course I believed her. I didn’t know better. I was only 16 and I trusted her more than anyone. That’s how I started hating myself. 

She slapped me until my eyebrow got smashed in and started bleeding. She went crazy. My dad did nothing to stop her or calm her down, and that didn’t surprise me. He was always strict and never showed any emotions. But my mom? I couldn’t believe it. After hours of her screaming at me I finally managed to get out of the small old house. My neighbour watched me run away from where he was sitting in his stolen car.

I ran from the people who raised me for what felt like only a few seconds and hopped on a random train that happened to go to the mysterious capital Seoul. The blue seat embraced my exhausted body but it couldn’t bring me to close my eyes for more than one second. I was on edge the whole trainride. When I arrived I realized I had nowhere to go. I knew no one there and it was so different from Daegu. I broke down at the thought of my mother who had never been cruel before. She had never even raised her voice at me, but that night she beat me bloody and screamed until her voice gave out.

With that in mind and in combination of being both young and miserable I saw no future for myself and started walking towards a bridge. At first, when I stood on that bridge for the first time, I just wanted to look at the view. But it only brought me more sorrow to see all the scyscrapes and huge apartments. It reminded me of how big this world is and that I knew no one who cared about me. I felt truly hopeless as I understood that if not even the woman who brought me to this world could love me, then no one ever could.

I cried like a baby when I decided I was going to jump. I asked myself how I ended up in that situation and decided it was all my fault, I should have tried harder to change myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have been there if I had tried to have a girlfriend just one more time. Perhaps I could’ve at least tried to pretend I was straight. Instead I was a shame to my family. My mother wished death upon me, so why not give her the pleasure of it? 

I jumped. I did. But someone somehow grabbed my hand and pulled me up and I hit my back on the pavement. It was a middle aged man who stared down on me. The look of concern on his face was obvious. I expected him to yell at me but he just hugged me instead. Never had I met a man that wasn’t cold like my father. My dad had never been affectionate, and all the men in the neighbourhood I grew up in didn’t know how to to anything besides fighting and stealing. I was shocked at that stranger’s actions. How could an old man be so warm and soft? How could his embrace remind me of my mother’s?

The man brought me to a convenience store, sat me down in front of a bowl of ramen and demanded I’d tell him why I jumped. So I did. I told him everything and left nothing out. I trusted a stranger, the man who saved my life. His eyes were kind and he was dressed in a black suit and wore a watch worth more than all my family’s belongings combined. Never had I met a nice rich person before, therefore I had sworn to never trust any of them but there I was, pouring my heart out to a rich middle-aged man. 

He told me there is nothing wrong with being gay, nothing I could change and something I should be proud of. I hadn’t heard those words before, I didn’t even know they could be said. It meant so much to me and it made me feel better. Then he said two things about my future: he said my mother would come around sooner or later, that she only needed some time to accept it. Then he told me it would get better and that I’d be happy one day.

His first prediction was correct. He bought me a train ticket home and I walked through the door into my house, the door I thought I’d never see again, that morning. It had been less than 24 hours since I had left. My mom threw her arms around me and asked for forgiveness. She said she felt so stupid for reacting the way she did and promised to from that moment on love me unconditionally like she should have done from the beginning. She kept her promise.

 
The second prediction was a lie. I figured the man said it to make me stay alive and be hopeful until I eventually would realize it’s not true. My mother’s words and actions had a traumatizing impact on me. I got diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. 

 
I struggle daily, it doesn’t matter if I’m around others or alone, demons follow me everywhere in a dark cloud that surrounds and suffocates me. I don’t want to blame my mother, I try to convince myself I was always like this. But I know that isn’t true and that it was her fault. She broke me and I will never be fixed. No matter how sweet she is now and how I’ve truly forgived her I can’t forget what happened that night. But I was thankfull the man lied to me about the existence of happiness. His words kept me alive for a long time. 

 
You can’t escape from yourself. Your demons become part of you. Years later I found myself on that bridge again. 2018. I had accepted unhappiness and loneliness as my destiny. BTS was so successfull, we had so much ahead of us but I just couldn’t imagine myself being there to see it. I told our fans to love themselves and that there’s nothing more important than self-love yet I climbed over the fence and started shaking as I took what I thought was going to be my last breath. I wanted to end it all, finally give myself a chance to rest. I had longed for this moment for so many years just as much as I had fought the urge to go through with it. I hated most things about existing, but most of all I hated the fact that my life seemed so perfect. The truth is that I was broken, lonely and sad.

 
It was cold and dark and my heart wasn’t beating anymore as life flashed before my eyes. I thought of my family, friends, the members, the fans, and I felt sick. I started crying. I rarely cry. The price of making all your pain disappear is giving up your happiness with it. Feeling no pain felt worth it in that moment despite it being worthless. The decision had been made years ago. I couldn’t just change my mind all of a sudden. I had to do it. I can’t tell you if I felt scared or excited, I simply do not know what I felt. All I know is that it was so cold. The black hoodie I was wearing wasn’t helping. I hadn’t even bothered putting on a jacket even though I was aware it was going to rain all day. 

 
I closed my eyes. Relieved it would all be over soon. No more stress, no more pain. No more loneliness. I slowly raised my arms and let go of the green fence I held onto before. I heard the water beneath me, calling for me. Waiting for me to join the billion droplets and let them soak me. The second I was going to let myself fall into the non-existence that I had anticipated for so long, my phone started ringing and I quickly opened my eyes. I heard a loud bang and it felt like I was drawn back into reality as the moon stared into my soul. I picked up the phone. 

 
“Hello?” I answered. My eyes were full of tears, hence I didn’t get a chance to see the name on the screen, but whoever it was; I was so mad at them for not letting me end my suffering. I held onto the fence with one hand and my phone in the other, balancing on the slippery surface of the edge. 

 
“Hyung, I need help. ” When I heard Jimin’s soft voice my heart started beating again and I had to move the phone away from me as I broke down for a few seconds until I calmed down and wasn’t out of breath anymore. “I’m sick and I need you to bring me a blanket.”  

 
Normally I would have been so annoyed and bitter about such a demand. I should have been in that moment as well, especially considering the fact that he interrupted something as serious as me killing myself. But instead I felt so ashamed. There I was, ready to jump to my death and meet whatever came with it. Whether it would be heaven or hell or just nothing I really wanted it, and for that I was so embarrassed. Suddenly I became aware of the cars behind me. I heard music from somewhere far away. I heard people laughing and talking. I saw a cute little dog in the distance. I heard Jimin complaining under his breath and him asking me for something as irrelevant as a blanket made me feel like such an idiot. I climbed over the fence again, back to safety with a shaky sigh. Determined to get Jimin that blanket. I guess that day wasn’t supposed to be my last. 

 
”Jimin-ah. I’ll be there in a few minutes. ”

 
Why does someone always interupt me right when I’m about to end it all? If the universe wants me to stay alive this much then why let me live in such pain? It might as well just let me live happily and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t constantly try and leave this world. Wouldn’t it be less work to make me actually want to stay alive compared to constantly saving me? Perhaps not. Maybe it’s harder to make someone happy than to let them live in agony and occasionally pay attention to them, just making sure their lungs are filled with oxogen. The universe is cruel, after all. Its mercy only allows us to face even more difficulties. 

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Twitter: @leounqiao
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-    Adrian