Author: Queen07

Story Title: Impromptu Discoveries

Genre: Romance, Scifi

Characters: Chen (EXO), OC

Type: Oneshot

Status: Completed

Disclaimer: Before I start, let me first make it clear that the following review does not speak for other readers, reviewers nor writers. They may think differently of your story. That aside, I hope this review helps you in a way or two. Thanks for requesting!

Title:

If I were to be scrolling through AFF in search of a new read, your title wouldn't capture my attention. It's vague - which is good, don't get me wrong - but vague titles only work well when they immediately make the gears in one's head turn. When a reader starts questioning the meaning behind your title, they are more likely to click on your story. There are various types of readers on this site but ultimately, the first thing they'd see is the title - similar to when you're at a library and are given thousands of books to choose from.

Your title does have a strong relevance to the story though. I like that it ties everything together. A story could have the most brilliant title ever but if the two don't correlate in any way, that would raise some questions. Kudos to you for thinking up a unique name because I've yet to see another story on this site with the same title. Although your title wasn't one to appeal to me at first glance, your story does give it justification and gave me a better understanding of why you chose it as your title. This brings me to my next point.

Interesting titles won't always make the cut. You don't only need to know how to capture a reader's attention but how to keep their attention as well. This is where the description, foreword and well, the rest of your story come in.

Description:

First of all, wow that's one long sentence. It took me a few reads to gather all the points or information you tried to put into it. Run-on sentences tend to disrupt the flow of your story - this will be further explained in the later part of this review. Do consider using a few sentences instead or cutting short your current description. If you take a look at AFF's layout, it displays the first line or a portion of the story's description. If your title isn't enough to attract one's attention, this is where you should make full use of your description to do so.

This is what you wrote:

Just when highly unknown and undiscovered scientist Dr. Kim Jongdae thought maybe boarding the boat with his arch-enemy Dr. Lee Hana wasn't that bad because he has finally made his break-through discovery, he realizes he is going to die anyway.

The faults in it:

• While the words 'highly unknown' as well as 'undiscovered' could mean the same thing, using only the term 'break-through' is also enough to show that Jongdae has yet to get the recognition he wants.
• What boat are you referring to? As in, where did the boat come from? Unless the readers know the answers to these questions, use 'a' instead.

This is what I suggest:

Dr. Kim Jongdae was convinced it was the one - the break-through discovery the scientist needed. Suddenly, boarding a boat with his arch-enermy, Dr. Lee Hana, didn't sound so bad of an idea. Then he realized he was going to die.

Despite the faults mentioned above, I do like that your description made me ask questions such as:

• What is the discovery he made? Why isn't Jongdae a known scientist?
• Why is Hana his arch-enemy?
• What boat is the author referring to and how did the two end up in that situation?
• Why is Jongdae going to die? Is it literal or metaphorical? What led him to believe so?

All of these questions made me want to know more, thus enticing me to read on. The next time round you write a description for your story, list down the bits of information you want to include. Then indicate which ones have higher importance. To me, Jongdae's discovery > Being on the same boat as Hana > Jongdae dying. Why is that?

Well, this is mainly because it all started from his discovery. If it weren't for that, he wouldn't be on the same boat as Hana and the whole "omg I'm going to die" thing wouldn't happen. Also, the three points made in the description would evoke three different emotions in readers. The discovery would evoke happiness or some form of pride. Him being on a boat with Hana would probably make a reader go "Hmm" or "Wait what?". Then bam, the reader is hit with all sorts of confusion after the mention of Jongdae's impending death. 

Foreword:

I feel that it's a waste to not have anything in your foreword to further interest your reader. Build up the momentum for your readers - leave them wanting more. A foreword would serve well as a back-up plan in case your description isn't enough to get the attention of your readers. An excerpt from your story would do fine. It could be a dialog, a vague piece of vital information, anything that would stimulate the reader's mind. Just by your description and foreword, readers would be able to tell your style of writing. It also helps to give more meaning to your title.

Plot, Flow & Development:

Firstly, I'll talk about your plot as well as its development and flow. One thing I like about your plot would be the fact that from start to finish, it was consistently revolved around Jongdae's multiple discoveries - even Hana's feelings for him. It's good that you didn't stray away from your storyline as many authors struggle with that. I also like that you fused it with Geo Physics.

I hate Physics to its core but that didn't throw me off from your story at all. Like Jongdae, I learned a thing or two as well. And personally, as a former Geography student, I appreciate that you did a lot of research on the Amurian plates instead of making things up. Not that it would be an issue but stating real facts make your story more realistic. The base of your plot is good but the build up from there could definitely be improved.

Firstly, the term 'boat'. You might want to consider using 'ship' instead. There's actually a difference between the two. A boat could literally fit into a ship. Although there are many types of boats, the fact still remains that boats have a much smaller capacity as compared to a ship. From the looks of your story, you made the setting seem as though there are many rooms in it and that it has a lot of space to move about. A boat wouldn't have any of that - usually only consisting of two to three decks without proper rooms or one deck on its own if you're talking about speedboats. A ship would however match the two previously stated characteristics. In future stories, be sure to properly plan your setting and make sure you're not confusing two similar-but-different terms like these. It might seem like a small matter but it could actually make a difference in your story. Speaking of settings, let's proceed to the next point.

The starting of your story was rather abrupt. You opening with Jongdae's state of panic was a good call as it evokes emotions into readers. However, continuing from there, it took me a while to realise that the both of them were already on the boat. For a moment, I thought Jongdae was in her house - which would be questionable since she was supposed to be his arch-enemy. One important rule when writing a story. Always define the setting in the first paragraph of every scene. It prevents confusion and enables your readers to properly visualise your writing. Your description may have stated that they were on a boat but prevent yourself from assuming that readers would know what you're talking about in the next chapter. If you're unsure on how to clarify the setting in your opening scene, here's what I suggest.

Instead of writing 'He couldn't find Hana anywhere', you could instead write 'He couldn't find Hana anywhere on the boat.'

With that said, I found it odd that Jongdae didn't question her as to why she was in his room because that was exactly what I thought. "Why is she in his room?" If it were me, I would ask too. Like come on, I've just spent some time searching for you and here you are in my room for who knows what reason.

The next thing I'd like to talk about would be the part in which Hana told Jongdae that she was already suspicious of the guys. If that's true, why did she act all confused and bewildered when he told her about them? Furthermore, she didn't say what actually made her suspicious of them. Did she overhear them saying something? Were they acting in an odd way when either she or Jongdae was around? Or was it just an inkling she had? Why didn't Jongdae question her?

From the way it was written, it seemed that Jongdae would think he was the only one that knew so wouldn't he want to know how she knew and why she never told him? Also, if she was truly suspicious of them, she wouldn't be having the time of her life on the voyage. Always put yourself in the shoes of your characters. How would you react in such situations? If your characters differ from you, then look at their personality traits. Wouldn't Hana be the first to tell Jongdae about them before making a comment on how oblivious he was?

Adding on to that, was Hana's father accepting of Jongdae? I mean, his daughter was practically sacrificing her MIT for the guy, does the father not feel anything? It would've been nice to see a little more of his reaction.

Moving on, I would like to touch on the part in which Minseok scolded Jongdae for ruining the mission. A few things felt quite off about this whole scenario. Firstly, if those two were really on a mission and not assassins then what about the conversation Jongdae overheard? What was that about? Also, would missions really allow outsiders to be involved regardless of whether they were aware or not? Wouldn't there be some sort of a protocol to abide by?

Next, where did Kyungsoo disappear to after drinking the coffee? You didn't actually mention him leaving the scene so when you moved on to the next I assumed all four of them were still in the same room.

All these details you missed out may seem minor but they really make a difference to your story. Your story would seem more realistic or would be easier for readers to visualise it. Always remember that not every ready shares your train of thoughts. They wouldn't be able to visualise things the were you do. This is why you should always pay attention to even the smallest detail or information. Take your time to develop your story. Don't rush through. Never publish your chapter on its first draft because the more you read through it, the more things you could add on.

There were many cases in which you could've given hints about Hana's identity yet you threw away that opportunity. You tend to only focus on Jongdae and gave hints about how he felt but never the same with Hana. I'll point out some of them:

• After finding out Hana's name, wouldn't that ring a bell for Jongdae? Even if he didn't know Hana was the Hana he knew, he should at least mention the similarity in their names.
• In the part in which Hana said "If not for you I wouldn't have come at all", Jongdae could've pointed out that she invited herself. Following that, you could've made Hana react some type of way. This would then show the readers that there's a hidden meaning behind what she had said.
• During the part in which Hana found out he had been eavesdropping, you could've added her thinking back to the conversation with her dad and then asking herself if Jongdae had heard everything - especially when she brought up the guy.

These are just some parts that I can point out. If you had made good use of these scenes, you could've made Hana's confession at the end more natural rather than abrupt.

Character Development

With that said, I shall now focus on your character development. I will talk about them collectively and then I'll focus on them individually. 

For a start, I like that both characters are the kind of people that many have had to deal with at one point in their lives - a person with high ego and another who is a 'smarty pants' that enjoys breaking people's ego. Therefore it gives readers that 'Ah, I can relate' kind of feel. Many times in real life I find myself in both their shoes but I also tend to dislike people like them. You see my dilemma here? It's a whole never-ending cycle.

My point here is that readers would either like or dislike your characters - there's no in-between. However, that doesn't mean that you're only supposed to come up with characters that readers like - that's not how it works. What I'm trying to say is, there should always be a balance. Give your readers something to dislike about the character but also give them something to like.

Even villains have something that draws readers or the audience to like them. Joker from Batman for example - he's the villain yet so many like him, some even more than Batman himself. This is where character development comes along. Your story seems more plot-driven and the cons of that would be that readers wouldn't remember much about your characters - mainly because you don't give them enough room to. Try to maintain a balance between both. That way, not only are your readers invested in the story but the characters as well. Give them something to remember about your story - best if it sticks with them for a while. So many factors contribute to a character - emotions, actions, way of speech, likes, dislikes, habits and the list goes on.

Lengthening your scenes to explore the characters is completely fine as long as it correlates to the storyline or the scene they're in. When you see two people interacting or having a conversation, the two things you would usually see happening would be a cause and a reaction right? A person would speak and the other would react, be it verbally or through their emotions. The same should apply when you write your story.  

Now to touch on the two individually.

Jongdae: Because he's the main character in your story, you focused on him the most thus making him more well-characterised as compared to the others. I like that he was so clueless about Hana's feelings. Then again, he does seem like the 'one mind, one focus' kind of guy so when would he have the time to observe people right? More could've been done to shape his character though. Because his ego overshadows the rest of his personality, you need to bring up the other traits to your readers. Let them see in him what Hana saw in him because you didn't actually state why she loved him to begin with. I mean, for her to love hin that long and to even give up her MIT just so she could be by his side; that's a big step. You wouldn't want Jongdae to only be known as 'that guy she dropped her MIT for', now would you?

Hana​​​: I love her character, even more than Jongdae, if I do say so myself. I like that she's a strong female character mainly because I'm rather similar to her. However, with you focusing more on Jongdae, Hana was a rather stagnant character with little to no development. With her being quite the opposite from Jongdae, like I've said previously, how did she end up falling for him? I've also mentioned the lack of focus on the hints she tried to give Jongdae. That aside, Hana was portrayed to be someone that revolved around the man she loved. But who is Lee Hana without Jongdae? How did she even find Jongdae after all those years? How was she like after Jongdae left? What gave her hope to continue loving him even after he told her they weren't a match?

Another thing I would've liked to see would probably be the chemistry between them. They've only been arguing throughout but it would've been better if every now and then, there were scenes that questioned the term 'arch enemy'. The relationship between characters shouldn't be stagnant throughout a story. Work on gradually improving or deproving (depending on the context of the story) it instead.

The sudden change of tone, an action that's rather out of place, the sudden change in how the person views the other - anything could indicate a growth in their ties. You often write that the characters know each other well but you should work on delivering that instead. The readers shouldn't need to be told that to know how much Hana knew him and vice versa. As a result of that, the ending scene in which Hana fell out of character and confessed to him seemed a little awkward because before that, she only appeared to be a 2D character.

Writing Style

Now, talking about your writing style, I would say you could improve on your imagery or descriptive skills. Don't depend too much on verbal interactions or dialogs to relay the story to your readers. Throughout your story, I knew not one thing about its setting - how big the boat was, its layout, what it's made of. Always expand what you write. Be weird with your descriptions instead of opting for cliche-like phrases. Lastly, use the five senses - maybe not all of them in one go but pick whichever would help visualise the scene or character better. For example, the scene in which Kyungsoo walked in on Chanyeol being tied by Hana and Jongdae and immediately pulled out a gun.

What was their reaction inside and out? Was Jongdae's heart racing against his ribcage? Did his mind go completely blank? Was his hair standing on its end? What was his breathing like? Could he taste the blood on his tongue? Was his mind imagining various ways of his own demise? What about Hana? Did she keep a strong front but was internally frightful? Was she naturally calm? Was there any sort of silent interaction between Jongdae and Hana to hint each other at what they're going to do next?

What about Kyungsoo? Was he able to see straight? Did he feel any side effects of the drugs? Did his legs feel like jelly? Was his blood rushing to his head? Was he losing grip of his gun? All of these are imagery and it makes your story twice as entertaining. Readers that seek visuals would love reading such things - it's like watching a movie, only it's in your head.

Apart from that, have more variety in the length of your sentences. Amidst the long ones, you could occassionally make use of shorter sentences, especially when you need to build a reader's suspense. It evokes emotions into your readers, putting them in the place of your characters. For example, instead of writing that Kyungsoo pulled out his gun, you could've written it like this:

Jongdae took a step towards him but immediately stopped when he saw Kyungsoo's hand. Jongdae gulped. A gun. And it was pointing right at him.

Grammar & Vocabulary:

I think we both know this but you're lacking in this aspect. One reason I couldn't thoroughly enjoy your story is that I only got a rough idea of what you were trying to say. You have an awkward way of structuring your sentences and you also tend to use run-on sentences. In various cases you used the wrong tenses too. I'd suggest you get a beta-reader - it would help you a lot, trust me. If you do decide on getting one, that doesn't mean you should stop double or even triple checking your work. Like I've said, there's so much more you could add to a first draft.

As for your vocabulary, I'd suggest you extend it. How I usually do that would be to read other people's works be it online or a physical book and pick out words or phrases that I like. Thus, the next time I write, I might just use any of those in my works. Of course, don't literally lift their work. Just use it as a guide or inspiration for you. What you're lacking is imagery so lean more towards stories that have more of that and you'll learn from them.

Conclusion

All in all, it was an interesting read. Like I've said, there's a lot of room for improvement but don't worry, a writer isn't great from start. So keep writing, keep practising and you will continue to grow as a writer. I do love your ending the most though. I had a good laugh from that - mainly because it took an unexpected turn and with how Jongdae was portrayed, it really seemed like something he would do.

I hope this review has helped you in a way or two. Do leave me a feedback! Also, if you need any further clarifications or help of any sort, feel free to hit me up in my inbox! Now enjoy the following commentary I had for your story.

Commentary:

'There were assassins on the boat...' - WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY

'It was just Hana in his room...' - Wait, so he was in her room and she was in his?

"What are you saying?" - Girl, you heard the man, y'all gon die

*struggles with understanding some terms*

*alternates between story and Google*

Wow, how on earth did I used to be top student in class for Geog?

I'm a disgrace.

Then again, I'm a constant F for physics so...I guess I'm only half a disgrace

'Maybe his brain is getting rusty" - ...honestly same.

'"Your problem is focus!"' - *feels attacked* *gasp* How did you know?

Well damn, Lee Hana making it rain facts all up in here. Jongdae sweetie, do you need some ice for the burn?

I feel like in life, I'm either Jongdae or Hana - to school or be schooled, that's the question 

'"I don't need a vacation, dad'" - I DO, GIVE ME ONE

'Which sort of idiot...' - *silently points at Hana*

'Hana is stupid' - That escalated quickly

'"No! I wasn't" - Yes you were

"I just heard on accident" - *facepalm* at least lie properly

"You look perfectly okay to me" - JONGDAE PLEASE

"It must be hard though, looking up to everyone." - THIS LITTLE

"Vacation? In the middle of December, on a ing boat?" - I mean that sounds like a good plan

Wow suddenly I'm seeing flashes of my lecturer in my mind while Jongdae is explaining

'Why was he embarrassed?' - Ooooo I sense FEEELINGSSSS

"With whom you were flirting earlier" - Wow, how casual of you Jongdae

"Kyungsoo pull out a gun" - Well. I guess this is it. It was nice knowing you Jongdae

Okay nice, go pills

...

Don't do drugs kids

'You have made it Jongdae' - Well it's about time

'daughter of your sir, Lee' - I KNEW IT

'They are my subordinates whom I sent for a mission, you idiot.' - Well .

'He looked around before running in the direction Hana had disappeared.' - HAHAHAHHA WTF HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT HER