Solitude-Grumby: https://soundcloud.com/search?q=solitude%20grumby

   Feeling the breeze of the cold air on an autumn night, walking my way slowly on the same path I’ve come to memorize. With only a few streetlights and street signs leading the way to the place we’ve called home. I scoff, remembering the incidents that lead us to where we are now.

Piano Sonata 09 opus 14 2: https://soundcloud.com/wonderfulchilloutmusicconnection/beethoven-piano-sonata-09-opus

   Just thinking about it makes me nauseous, so I let my mind wander off to other things. By other things, I mean the days we were still okay. And back when things weren’t as destructing as it is now. Just then, a sense of longing and wistfulness come creeping and as if it is swallowing my whole being. With that, tears filled my vision. One sneaky drop of tear trickled down my worn out face- I just let it be. A second later, followed the others like a never ending drop until I let out a sob.

   It has been like this the past few weeks. It’s like a routine I have to do as for me not to lose myself. And it’s scary, because I’m starting to get used to it. And getting used to it only means accepting defeat and I don’t want it! Because I feel like I’m slowly and painfully dying and I have no one else to vent out this emotions that has been eating me inside. All this pent up frustration and never ending hopelessness is taking up all of the willingness to just tell you that everything is still alright and we are going to be fine when it’s obviously not.

   You and I both know that.

   And the worst of it all is that after all the fighting and exchanges of empty gestures. We still pretend as if nothing happened- as if nothing is happening. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed. And sometimes, when I’m lucky I still get to wake up with you wrapped in my arms.

   With fatigue finally making me feel its presence, I fall to my knees. And I cry even more. I cry a silent cry. Because it’s the only thing I can do right now- to just stay silent and to just it all up. If it is the only way for me to keep you still, even just for a little more time. I’ll bear with it. With all this madness we were left to deal with, I’m still holding on to that little hope that is slowly fading. It’s fading, yes. But what’s important is that it’s still there, right?

   “I’m so tired… I don’t know how long I can still do this for..” I whisper  to myself breathlessly. With tears still falling and showing no signs of stopping any moment soon. I sigh, a breathy sigh for a hundred thousand times today.

   Wiping the stubborn tears and finally composing myself, I got back up to my feet. And with that, I willed myself to get up and continue walking my way to face reality once more.