Chapter 1: If Only You

BGM: Sungjae - Tell Me

If only you let me in

Just let me in... 

Please.

***

Sometimes... sometimes... life does have other plans for them

He personally found how weird and awkward it would be for them. It has been a while since he last met her. He was at the right end of the stage... but his line of sight was clear enough to see her. He tiptoed for a bit to sneak a peak of her side profile from across the stage.

Heartbreak. Yes, that was what he is feeling right now.

Park Sooyoung seemed so tired, her eyes devoid from any sparks of excitement. She looked drained and her smile was nowhere to be seen.

Has she been burned by the fame and lights directed to her now too?

He hoped not but seeing how aloof and distant she was being even when interacting with her fellow artist and fans, without a doubt she was indeed tired of her job.

Now, here she was within a mere distance from him. They stood side by side awkwardly in front of the crowded audience thanks to Changsub effort as he was caught staring at her red handedly by the older guy.

She was so young back then, with a smile that is so big it even reaches her ears. He had always loved her gummy smile and how direct she was with everything.

She was so pure and beautiful.

She was thin now. Very thin. Over the period that they had spent together as fake lovers, there were times when she had experienced a drastic loss of weight but now it was even more evident. With her long red hair and a hot body, he can feel the gaze of man directed at her.

She had always been pretty.

Even without the weight loss.

It hurts him to see her so fragile.

"Are you not cold?" He had asked in concern. It was very apparent to him that she was shocked that he initiated a conversation with her.

"I'm okay."

"You are too thin. There is no body fat at all to warm you up." He tried to joke.

"Maybe its true but oppa you do not need to be so concern. I'm living fine, I'm sure you are too."
She smiled.

He didn't know her smile can be this cold.

Just like that, the crowd of artist on the stage move and she were carried away and being swallowed by the crowd... far away from him.

The moment was fleeting.

It was always like this with them.

If only...

If only he can make things right.

He found himself getting restless lately. He was having trouble sleeping, he kept thinking of her. She seemed so broken. She looked like a girl dying for help.

But then there was their management.

Her career...

He stood up from the bed, his eyes were red.

"What's up?" Changsub had asked him when Sungjae saw him eating his cereal in the middle of the night. "Your eyes are red. You can't sleep?"

"It's about Joy."

Changsub raised his eyebrows at the sudden mention of the name that has become so estranged from the maknae lips. "What about her?"

"Are you still close with her hyung?"

Changsub just stared at the latter, contemplating. "She has been pretty busy."

He knew he should have minded his own business and not care about her anymore... but he remembered seeing her pain face when she is performing or when she secretly sobs inside her dressing room alone when her members were out.

He was always bothered.

It was just that.. being sad is better than what she is being now. Cold. Almost like she cannot feel anything. Being this way is far more worrying.

Joy was unlike herself.

"She is okay right?"

"Sungjae ah.."

"I just need to know. I'm a bit concern. She looks so down"

Changsub did not know that Sungjae was being sharp or Joy was too obvious on being so out of it lately. He was hoping for the former but It has actually been the talk among her close circle of friends. About, Joy being the exact opposite of her name.

"She is just a phone call away Sungjae. Be a man and ask."

Changsub suddenly took out his phone to give it to the maknae. "Just in case you don't have her number."

He saved it and tried to text her.

Joy. I don't know what's going with you but if you need someone to talk. I'm here fo-

He stopped and smirked bitterly to himself.

He deleted the message.

How could he...

He harshly let whatever they had passed by.

No messages..

No contacts..

If he is doing this without a plan. He is going to hurt her more or maybe... maybe he is just getting ahead of himself. Maybe, she do not even bother about him anymore. Well he guessed it was good for her.

As long as she is happy.

***

Her career is exploding. Especially her acting career. She was starting to be everywhere individually. She is starting to feel awkward to talk with her members.

Days pass by... they only started to become more and more distant from each other.

By the time, she arrived at her dorm. It was always dark. Nobody is at home. If not, she was the one that got home really late so she needed to walk slowly, careful not to wake them. Or else, when she arrived they are always about to go out. She hardly knows the word team anymore. She barely talks to them. She was away for shooting most of the time and they have so many group schedules that she was not in.

She felt excluded although they did try to include her. She woke up with her breakfast ready by her unnie. It has always been either Wendy or Irene. Yeri has been sending her pictures from their idol schedule and Seulgi unnie has always tried to chat her up and she always tried to smile. Irene unnie has been giving her sticky notes to cheer her up.

It was just.. It was different. She felt she was being excluded. It wasn't a nice feeling but it was not her members' fault either. It just she missed them. She missed them hanging out together.

"Joy ah, why aren't you talking?"

She fears if she starts talking, she will break down crying.

So she said, she was tired.

Always.

Again today, she kept it to herself.

She felt lonely and all alone.

Miserable.

She loved singing. But she does not even go to any of the singing practices anymore.

More and more work was given to her.

She tried her best and channeled her sorrow, her troubles, and her loneliness to her character to distract herself.

It was said that Park Sooyoung has finally lived on the purpose of a secret trainee but it broke her internally. She has never felt such unhappiness in her life despite being lauded for.

She was not with her members..

She was overwork.

She felt so lonely and helpless.

***

He met her again. One week later, when he was presenting the award for best new actress.

He opened the envelope and he cannot help it. He was grinning like a mad person. He is so proud of her. The female presenter nodded to him, letting him announce it as if she got him.

"Best new actress award goes to Joy." He clapped enthusiastically.

Too enthusiastically that the female presenter chuckled.

He was too proud to care.

He was so happy to be the one to give her this.

He noticed she was struggling to ascend the stairs as her dress was too long. She almost slipped. Her lips quivering. She was too nervous.

Automatically, he runs to her. Reaching her before the stage staff did.

He held her arms gently to guide her to the stage.It was their first skinship in years and his heart was about to jump out of his rib cage.

He can see how exquisite and ethereal she had looked to him.

She looked at him, eyes gleaming. She was cute.

He chuckled and nodded to reassure her.

He mouthed... "good job."

She smiled politely. "Thank you."

It was short lived. The moment when a staff shows up.. her small hand pulled away from his as she grabbed the staff hand instead. It was apparent that she only grabbed his hand out of polite gesture not to disrespect him.

He felt his heart shattered to million pieces. It felt like an indirect rejection.

Was he too late.

He moved to backstage and he saw she was still a crying mess. Before he can approach her, Lee Hyunwoo was already by her side to comfort her. He was now moving his hand up and down her back, to soothe her.

It was her ...

He felt himself burning as he tried to look away.

But not without one lingering look at her.

Lee Hyunwoo guides the shaken woman to her room as his arms wrapped around her waist. Accidentally Joy turned her head slightly and catches him looking.

He let her see it. His broken eyes.

He was too immersed in his anger that he choose to stay quiet and silent as his eyes were making holes on the wall when he felt his phone vibrates.

He picked it up.

"Oppa. It's me Joy."

Just like that. His heart stopped beating.

"The text you send is it still valid?"

Sungjae was shocked. He never sends her anything..

He then realized Changsub suddenly asked to borrow his phone that night. He must have pressed send on his draft message to Joy.

He wanted to curse. He did not know whether to thank him or kick him.

"It is."

"Can we meet at the afterparty. I know its awkward but I kinda need someone to talk..." or else I don't know what I'm going to do.

"I will see you then."

He knows very well she sounded off so he called Irene after getting it from one of his connection.

"She never talked, she was so silent... I honestly do not know what is going on with her. I'm really worried Sungjae."

***

Joy had always known how to have fun. He knows that very well.

When he had arrived, he quickened her steps to the place Joy was hanging at. It didn't take a while to see her.

She is gorgeous even with all those celebrities surrounding her.

Her hair was nicely tucked in between her ears as it was let down to expose her collarbones.

She seemed normal and fine unlike the desperate tone that she had used on him before.

Maybe it wasn't that bad. She was mingling around and looking genuinely happy to be getting the award.

She had always managed to take his breath away somehow. He was about to approach her when Gong Yoo sunbaenim stopped him in his tracks.

"Sungjae ah..."

He fidgeted. Not now.

It felt like everyone is stopping them to interact. Like it was forbidden.

How have you been? Any good news?
You’re still so honest and direct
Didn’t you miss us sometimes?
I’m just suddenly curious

Tell me that you missed me
Tell me how it was so hard
That you didn’t know it’d hurt this much
After that day, I thought of you so much
Tell me you wanna go back to those times

by Yook Sungjae

Author's Note

Did I warn you guys it is going to hurt so bad when you read this?

Anticipate the last chapter. Coming soon. Just need a bit of editing