Jessica doesn’t know why she agreed to go for drinks with Tiffany when it always ends in Tiffany getting wasted and Jessica lugging her into a cab. It’s like babysitting but she doesn’t even get paid for it.

“Hey, it took you long enough!” is Tiffany’s way of greeting, but it’s the other person across the table that makes Jessica stop and stare. “Oh, I invited TaeTae too. You don’t mind, do you Jessi?”

“No, of course not,” Jessica says with an airy laugh. It’s not a lie; she doesn’t mind, she would never mind Taeyeon, it’s just that… Well.

“Hi,” Taeyeon says, her voice raspier than usual.

Jessica swallows. “Hi.”

Tiffany looks between the two of them for a second and then breaks into a grin. “So, who wants to do shots?”

Tiffany is a loud, giggly, clingy drunk. So basically she’s the same as normal but with the volume turned up.

“TaeTae,” she says, leaning all over Taeyeon and practically in her lap. “Do you remember that party at Hyo’s?”

Taeyeon sends Jessica a look of what appears to be distress. “There were many parties at Hyo’s.”

Tiffany takes another sip of her strawberry daiquiri. Jessica thinks about taking it away from her. “The one where Jessica – not you, Jessi, the other Jessica – brought her tarot cards and read our futures. Do you remember what she said about yours?”

“No,” Taeyeon says, rather louder than what’s necessary. “And I think your future is throwing up in the bathroom and I’m telling you – I’m not holding your hair back this time.”

“Better the bathroom than my shoes,” Jessica mutters sourly. “You’re taking her back this time. I’ve had enough of dropping her off all the time.”

“I took her back last time!”

“I took her back the last two times before that!”

Tiffany suddenly giggles. “You sound like you’re parents fighting for custody. Or like, fighting not to have custody.”

They both turn to stare at her and say, “No thanks” at the same time.

Tiffany hiccups. “I don’t get why you two aren’t married yet. You’re making the vodka come back up.”

“You didn’t even have vodka,” Jessica points out, while Taeyeon freezes.

Tiffany squints at her empty glass. “Are you sure?”

Jessica laughs. “Yes. Right, Tae?” When Taeyeon doesn’t reply, Jessica gives her another, firmer look. “I think we should get Tiff home. She’s starting to sprout nonsense.”

Tiffany slaps her hands down on the table with such force that Taeyeon’s drink sloshes over and the olive falls off Jessica’s toothpick. “I make perfect sense. I said you two knuckleheads should have gotten married a long time ago!”

“See,” Jessica says lightly. “Nonsense.”

Tiffany gets hungry and orders a basket of hashtag fries and another one of nachos.

“Hey,” she leans over and stage whispers to Jessica. “Do you want to taco ’bout it?”

“About what?” Jessica asks, bewildered.

“Jessi,” she whines. “You’re supposed to say ‘it’s nacho business’!”

Taeyeon snorts so loudly she almost chokes on her drink – a Pomegranate Martini, her fifth drink of the night and one Jessica had tried to talk her out of ordering to no avail – and Tiffany turns her pout on her.

“That had the potential to be great, TaeTae.”

“It did,” Taeyeon says diplomatically.

“You should get me to read over your wedding vows, Jessi,” Tiffany says solemnly. “You know Taeyeon would love lots of puns in them. You can’t disappoint her by not having a bunch.”

“Who said I—”

“Would you come to the wedding, Fany?” Taeyeon suddenly asks. Jessica gives her a look questioning her sanity, but she either doesn’t see it or just ignores it.

“Come to?” Tiffany says indignantly. “I’d plan it for you.”

“I don’t want everything to be pink, thanks,” Taeyeon says wryly.

“Whose maid of honour would I be though?” Tiffany says thoughtfully. “Yours or Jessi’s?”

“Neither,” Jessica says, “seeing as how we’re not getting married.”

“It’s just hypothetical, Jessi,” Tiffany says reproachfully, like she’s being a huge spoilsport. “Don’t take it so seriously.”

“You’re the one taking it too seriously,” Jessica says, given that they’re discussing an event that could never happen, not even in her deepest fantasies.

“You don’t want to marry me, Sica?” Taeyeon asks, sounding hurt.

She should just say no. Should just end the discussion cleanly and neatly. Somehow, what comes out of instead is, “Of course I want to marry you. All you have to do is ask.”

Taeyeon grins, dimple popping out. “Okay then, I’m asking for your hand.” She reaches out her own, and in a dream-like daze, Jessica takes it. Their fingers slip together, fitting as snugly as wedding bands. “Jessica, will you marry me?”

Jessica knows that this is just a joke, that Taeyeon is tipsy and Tiffany is just waiting to jump in and make fun of them. She knows that all, but her heart still leaps and bangs against her ribs like an errant hummingbird.

“Yes,” she says, knowing that Taeyeon will probably barely remember this later, while Jessica will remember this forever. That Taeyeon is a drink or two away from being drunk, while Jessica is mostly sober and yet drunk on her, on this night, on this moment. Despite all of that, she says “yes” anyway, because she couldn’t possibly have any other answer for Taeyeon.

“Take care of her, Jessi!” Tiffany says cheerfully, waving as the taxi starts to pull away. Well, Jessica had gotten her wish – she isn’t with a smashed Tiffany in the back of a cab. It’s Taeyeon who gets the honour this time.

Taeyeon is pressed up right against Jessica, head resting on her shoulder and arm wrapped around hers, like she’s making sure Jessica isn’t going anywhere. Not that she would have anyway.

“Hi,” Taeyeon murmurs, the word coming out thick and slurred.

“Hi,” Jessica replies, fighting the urge to brush Taeyeon’s hair away from her face. She curls her hand into a fist instead, nails digging half-moons into her palms.

“Sica?”

“Yes?”

“We’re still getting married, right?”

Jessica is torn between laughing and—some other reaction. “Yes. We’re still getting married.”

Taeyeon grins, dimple apparent and eyes bright – because of alcohol, Jessica’s mind tells her, although her heart pleads a different case. “Sorry I don’t have a ring for you.”

Jessica gasps theatrically. “What kind of fiancée are you, Kim Taeyeon?”

“I’ll make it up to you during the honeymoon. We can—” Taeyeon leans in suddenly, breath warm and smelling like pomegranates and vodka. Jessica would wrinkle her nose, but her whole face feels frozen, her body seized up, waiting for Taeyeon to—

—fall asleep, her head lolling against Jessica’s shoulder. What a cap to a wonderful evening.

Jessica knows the code to Taeyeon’s building and where she keeps her spare key, but she decides to take Taeyeon to her apartment so she can keep an eye on her. She wouldn’t put it past Taeyeon to throw up and choke on her vomit. What kind of friend would she be if she didn’t do her part to prevent Taeyeon from an embarrassing demise?

“Sica,” Taeyeon slurs, waking up as Jessica drags her over the threshold and locks the door. “Where are we?”

“Home,” Jessica replies reflexively.

“Yours or mine?”

“Mine,” she replies, ignoring the splutter of her heartbeat. “I don’t trust you in your current state to leave you alone at your place.”

“But I trust you,” Taeyeon says with a big, dopey smile. “I trust you enough to go anywhere with you.”

She’s drunk she’s drunk she’s drunk, Jessica chants at herself. However, she can’t quite tell herself that Taeyeon doesn’t mean it, because Taeyeon always means what she says when she’s drunk. It’s when she’s sober that you have to look under her words and through her actions to uncover pieces of truth.

“That’s good then,” Jessica says with a calmness she doesn’t feel. “You can come into my room with me. Do you think you can walk?”

“Of course I can walk.” Taeyeon frowns at her. “Who do you take me for?”

“My fiancée, of course,” Jessica says without thinking.

Taeyeon breaks into that big smile again. “That’s right. Are we going on a pre-honeymoon?”

Jessica snorts. “You wish.”

“I do,” Taeyeon says, completely unabashed.

“Come on, we’re getting you to bed before you fall asleep here.”

“You’re taking me to bed?”

“That’s right,” Jessica says, fighting to keep her expression smooth. “I’ll even tuck you in and read you a story if you’re good.”

Taeyeon grins. “I’m always good, aren’t I?”

“Why don’t you keep up your good behaviour and get into bed?”

Taeyeon’s grin turns lopsided. “Only if you get in there with me.”

“I’m not tired,” Jessica says, fighting away a blush only for her body to betray her by letting out a loud yawn.

“Come to bed with me, Sica,” Taeyeon says, sounding startlingly sober.

Jessica swallows. She had imagined Taeyeon saying those words, or some variation of, many, many times, but never in such a context. Of course, this would be the context that she gets.

“Okay,” she says, her voice barely a whisper. It’s not like she has much of a choice in the matter – she would follow Taeyeon anywhere.

Taeyeon has the blankets pulled all the way to her chin as she blinks blearily at Jessica, looking like a lost child but eliciting some thoughts from Jessica that are far from childish.

“You’re not going to leave, are you?” she asks, eyes just a little too wide.

“This is my apartment, Taeyeon. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Why aren’t you getting into bed too?” Taeyeon lifts the blanket and pats the spot next to her like an invitation. It takes all of Jessica’s willpower not to take her up on the offer, but she somehow resists.

“I’m not tired, remember?”

“I am,” Taeyeon says, closing her eyes like she’s too exhausted to keep them open. Her lashes flutter once, twice, dark and delicate against the pale planes of her cheeks. Jessica is grateful that her eyes are closed so she can’t see the way Jessica’s are locked on her. “SicaIloveyou.”

Jessica can’t hear her properly. “What?”

Taeyeon opens her eyes and trains them on her. “I love you,” she says, clear and unmistakeable.

Jessica tells herself not to think too deeply of those words. Taeyeon has said them to her before, to Tiffany, to Sunkyu, always and only when she drinks too much and all the walls she has built up fall down like collapsed dams against the flood of alcohol.

“Um, I love you too.”

“No,” Taeyeon says insistently. “I love you. With a capital l. With everything in capitals. L-O-V-E. Love.”

“Are you trying to sing APink’s song or something?” Jessica asks, purposefully keeping her voice light. Her heart is going haywire again, while her brain is telling it to calm down. That rarely works out well for either of them.

“APink?” Taeyeon blinks. “Pink? Like Tiffany?”

“Sure, like Tiffany.”

“I don’t want our wedding to be all pink,” Taeyeon says mournfully. “I don’t like pink.”

“I know you don’t, baby.” The endearment slips out without her volition, and Jessica almost bites her tongue off. Thankfully, Taeyeon doesn’t seem to hear it, or at least she has no reaction to it. “We don’t have to have a pink wedding. Knowing you, you’d probably want to have a gothic one with cobwebs and a brain cake.”

Taeyeon perks up. “That sounds great! Can we?”

“Sure, whatever you want,” Jessica says indulgently.

It’s not like Taeyeon will remember this the next day, anyway. Jessica can make all the promises she wants and she won’t be held to them. It should be reassuring, but it’s just a sad reminder because she knows that it’s the same thing for Taeyeon. Whatever she promises, whatever she confesses, the words will flicker between them like a candle flame that will only be lit for one night. Once the fire dies and the wax melts, all she will have left are the ashes of her memories.

“I want you,” Taeyeon tells her, that dopey smile returning. “I love you.”

“Sure, Taeyeon,” Jessica says, the only words she can manage now.

“Do you love me too?” Taeyeon asks, the question punctuated with a yawn. “With a capital l?”

Jessica swallows. “No, I only love you with lowercase letters. I’m an advocate of lapslock.”

She half expects Taeyeon to ask her, “What’s lapslock?” but Taeyeon’s eyes are closed and her breathing is rhythmic. She’s fallen asleep.

Jessica makes sure the blankets are tucked securely around Taeyeon and prepares for a sleepless night.

Mornings are never fun, but this one is especially unpleasant as she finds herself with a stiff neck from spending the night in her chair. She doesn’t remember falling asleep there, but even in her completely exhausted state, she knew better than to take the bed. Or rather, to share it.

Taeyeon is all sleep-mussed hair and pillow-creased cheeks. She cracks open an eye and winces as if there are shards of sunlight piercing her, even though there’s only the barest sliver of it coming in from Jessica’s blinds.

“Morning,” Jessica greets. She never adds the ‘good’ in front of it because she finds mornings intrinsically evil.

Taeyeon makes a sound that might be interpreted in the loosest sense as a greeting or might just be a nonsensical grunt.

“Coffee?” Jessica asks, holding out a steaming mug of the life-saving liquid.

Taeyeon manages decipherable speech this time. “You’re the best,” she croaks as she takes the mug and downs about a third of it in one gulp. She gasps at what’s probably the heat and grimaces at what’s probably the flavour but keeps drinking nonetheless.

“How’s the hangover?”

“I’ve had worse ones.” Taeyeon massages her temple. “Why did I drink so much last night?”

“I should be asking you that question. You don’t usually.”

“Hmm.” Taeyeon looks like she’s trying – and failing – to remember the answer. “Well, if I could meet past me to ask her that, I’d probably just strangle her.”

“That would probably create a complex time paradox. I don’t think you should mess with time like that.”

“This is too much existential questioning,” Taeyeon says, and then drains the coffee. “Wait, are we in your apartment?” she asks, like she just noticed.

“No, I just remodelled yours to look exactly like mine when you were asleep.”

“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised since I sleep like the dead.”

“You talk so much that it would be really creepy. I don’t want to hear a talking corpse.”

“If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d basically be a talking corpse right now,” Taeyeon says. “Thanks for that, by the way. And for remodelling my room. I like it.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll add it to your tab.”

“I guess taking care of me last night is also on the tab?” Taeyeon tilts her head to the side. “I hope I wasn’t too embarrassing when I was drunk.”

Jessica shrugs. “Not really more than when you’re sober.”

“Thanks, that’s very reassuring.”

“Any time, Tae,” she says sweetly.

“So, um…” Taeyeon screws up her face like she’s trying really hard to remember what happened. “What did I do last night?”

“What do you remember?” Jessica asks carefully.

“Something about an APink song?” Taeyeon scratches her head. “I didn’t try to dance, did I?”

That startles a laugh from Jessica. “Actually, you did and I recorded it and uploaded it onto YouTube.”

“Oh, wonderful. Does that mean I’m famous now?”

“Yep. Entertainment agencies are knocking on your door like crazy. You’re the sensation that’s swept the nation.”

Taeyeon her chin. “That sounds about right.”

Jessica makes sure to keep a straight face. “Don’t forget me when you’re famous.”

Taeyeon keeps her eyes locked on Jessica’s. “I could never forget you,” she says solemnly, and Jessica’s heart forgets how to beat. “And…did I say something about baking cakes?”

“We talked about your love of brain cakes.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows draw together, her forehead furrowing. Jessica doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath as she watches Taeyeon until her chest starts to ache, her lungs protesting against the strain.

“Did I ask you to go to bed with me?” Taeyeon blurts out, and then promptly flushes crimson. She looks mortified, and Jessica isn’t faring much better.

“You did, because you really wanted to go to sleep. You kind of fluctuated between being really sleepy and really talkative.”

“Yeah, most people are one or the other but I’m both.” Taeyeon’s face scrunches up again. “Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something important though? Did we really just talk about music and cakes?”

“We.” Jessica’s lips lock up after that word. She shrugs, helplessly. She wouldn’t feel right telling Taeyeon that nothing happened beyond that, but there’s also no way she can tell her what they really talked about. The candle has been extinguished, but Jessica is still waiting for it to light a path for her.

Taeyeon’s stomach chooses this moment to let out a loud grumble. “Oh,” she says sheepishly. “Trying to remember things on an empty stomach isn’t the best of ideas.”

“Come on, let’s go have breakfast.”

“Wow, waking up to you is really nice, Sica,” Taeyeon says, pushing the blankets away from her body. “Coffee and breakfast. This is like the dream morning after.”

Jessica forces out a chuckle. “Don’t count on it every time.”

“But I know I can count on you,” Taeyeon says, sounding exactly like she did last night. “I trust you.”

“Okay, trust me not to burn breakfast then.”

“Do you want help?”

“I think that’d be counterproductive to the whole not burning thing.”

“Hey!” Taeyeon says, sounding injured, and Jessica laughs.

Mornings are a lot better when she has Taeyeon to wake up to.

Breakfast is a simple affair of toast, eggs and fruit. And more coffee, of course. Jessica firmly believes in the magic of coffee.

“You should drink some of that hangover tea Juhyun brought over last time.”

Taeyeon makes a face. “Ugh, I have to hold my breath when I drink that. It tastes vile.”

“And tequila doesn’t?”

“Touché,” Taeyeon says, spearing a piece of strawberry with her fork. Her eyes are distant, her gaze not entirely absent but not fully present.

“Are you still trying to remember last night?”

“I wouldn’t have to if you would just tell me what happened,” she says pointedly.

“I mean, not much did.” Jessica shrugs. “It wasn’t anything exciting, sorry to disappoint you. You fell asleep in the taxi, I lugged you here, we talked for a bit and then you crashed.”

All of this is true, but somehow it tastes wrong in , like a white lie that has rotted into a dark, shameful one.

“That’s it?” Taeyeon asks, not sounding convinced.

“I mean…” And Jessica can’t hold herself back anymore. “You told me that you love me.”

Taeyeon doesn’t look shocked, or even mildly surprised. She takes it in stride, like she had expected to hear such an answer. “Of course I did,” she mutters, not quite under her breath.

“Don’t worry,” Jessica says with an awkward chuckle. “I didn’t take it seriously.”

Taeyeon’s head snaps up. “Why not?”

“I mean, it’s not like you haven’t said it before. The last time you got hammered, you spent the whole night wrapped around Sunkyu telling her how much you love and appreciate her.”

“Well, of course I do feel those things, but that’s Sunkyu. That’s not you.”

“You tell Tiffany when you’re drunk that you love her too,” Jessica says slowly. “And Yuri. And—”

“Okay, I know I do that and I mean it. But it’s different with you. I love you with a capital l. With everything in capitals.”

Jessica can’t process the words, even though Taeyeon had said the exact same ones last night. But that was different. Taeyeon was drunk. She’s far from that now, two cups of coffee and a plate of food in her, looking at Jessica with clear and intent eyes.

And since when is she anything but painfully honest when she’s drunk? a snide little voice whispers in the corner of her mind. You’re just too afraid to face the truth. You weren’t drunk, so what’s your excuse?

She has a very convincing answer of shut up.

“Are you still hungover?” Jessica asks with a brittle laugh. “Are you sure you don’t want the tea?”

Taeyeon frowns. “I’m not hungover. Okay, I am a little, but that has nothing to do with this. Why are you changing the subject?”

“Why are you saying something so ridiculous?”

“You think that my feelings are ridiculous?” Taeyeon asks in a tight voice.

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that… You can’t mean that.”

“Why not?”

“Because – you’re just joking, right? I mean, you were joking about the wedding and now you’re just…continuing the joke…” Jessica trails off, her voice getting smaller and smaller until it can’t even be heard. She doesn’t know how to say that it’s easier to treat it like a joke because she can’t handle the punchline, she can’t bare her heart only for Taeyeon to laugh the whole thing off as a drunken gag later on. She can’t.

“I wasn’t joking about the wedding and I’m not joking now. If you’re willing to marry me, I’d go to the courthouse right now.”

Jessica inhales sharply. “Tae.”

Taeyeon lets out a breath. “Wow, what was in that coffee? I feel like I just drank a litre of truth serum mixed with a dozen shots of bravery.”

Jessica wishes that there was some of that in her coffee. Even without it, she tries her best at being brave now. “So…you meant it? When you said you love me?”

“I meant it,” Taeyeon confirms. “I still mean it.”

“With capital letters?”

“L-O-V-E. Love.” Taeyeon doesn’t just say the words, but sings the line from Luv. “You know, why is the song spelled l-u-v when they keep spelling l-o-v-e love? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Maybe you should bring that up when you meet up with APink’s producers.”

“I will,” Taeyeon says. “I’m sure the opinion of the sensation that swept the nation matters and all.”

Jessica has to fight not to smile. “Of course, Ms. Sensational.”

“I remember telling you that I love you now,” Taeyeon says quietly, “and I remember asking you if you love me too. But I don’t remember your reply.”

Jessica pretends to think about it. “I think I said that I support lapslock.”

Taeyeon gives her a blank look. “You support what?”

“Typing in all lowercase letters,” Jessica replies smoothly.

“You…you really said this when I asked you if you love me?”

“Well, first I said that I love you too. But then I did mention lapslock. I’m a big fan.”

Taeyeon narrows her eyes. “You’re such a sadist, I swear.”

Jessica smiles. “That’s what the S in JSY stands for,” she says brightly, “but you still love me with a capital l, right?”

“With all capital letters,” Taeyeon confirms, and leans forward to seal her answer with a kiss.

This time, when Taeyeon asks her to bed, it’s in a very different context. Jessica no longer has to satisfy herself with fantasies, because she has the real thing right here in her arms. And really, even the most elaborate of dreams could never compare.

“You know Tiffany is going to be impossible now, right?” Taeyeon says, showing that she is the absolute worst at pillow talk.

“Since when was she not impossible?”

“Okay, that’s true,” Taeyeon concedes, “but now she’s going to be all smug about how she got us together.”

“Who said that she got us together?”

“She did. She just texted me, asking me how my night with you went. With a whole row of winking face emojis.”

“Ignore her,” Jessica says promptly. “Or say that you’re so hungover you can’t remember anything. You basically were, anyway.”

As if the cosmos want to mess with her, Jessica’s phone beeps and she checks it out of habit.

Don’t try to lie! reads the text from Tiffany. I know you’re with Taeyeon. How are you enjoying the morning after? ;) ;) ;)

“Well,” Jessica says. “At least she only sent me three winking faces.”

“I guess she really wants to taco ’bout it,” Taeyeon says. “You should tell her it’s ‘nacho business.’”

“Okay, you don’t remember most of last night but you remember that?”

“It’s a cute pun,” Taeyeon says defensively. “I like puns.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“You are going to put some in your wedding vows, right? I care about that more than the brain cake.”

“Keep talking and I’ll get Juhyun to take care of the food. We’ll eat a sweet potato cake with corn on the side.”

“I think I’d rather have a pink wedding after all…” Taeyeon brightens. “We could have a pink wedding and play APink! Luv is basically our song now. Hey, why are you laughing? Come on, I’m being serious!”

Jessica manages to collect herself. “One thing’s for sure. We’re not going to serve any alcohol. At least not to you.”

“Come on, if I didn’t get drunk none of this would have happened.”

“I guess that’s true. Should I make a toast to the wonders of alcohol then?”

“Maybe after this,” Taeyeon says, and kisses her again. Jessica feels a warmth flicker to life low in her stomach, like a candle flame being lit. She must have tensed up, because Taeyeon looks at her, waiting. “Sica?”

Taeyeon’s eyes are dark but warm, like the fire is in them as well. Jessica stops and stares at her, taking her, this day, this moment in. Then she smiles.

“After this,” she agrees, and returns to Taeyeon’s.