seven of twelve

much has been said

Everything that could have went wrong that day, didn’t just go wrong – everything practically went to hell.

Yifan sensed that something was about to happen when he slept through his alarm clock set to wake him up at seven am, sharp.

He hadn’t slept a wink. Thoughts of Junmyeon had chased his sleep and plagued his dreams. To think about it, it had been the first time in roughly eight years that his insomnia had kicked in so hard. He’d been restless when exhaustion finally overwhelmed him.

He woke up late due to the blaring of his phone and with a groan he procures the device from the side table, the STAT message glaring at him from the idle lock screen.

“Damn.”

~*~

When he arrives in the hospital, all decked in light blue scrubs, the whole place timely erupts into a full-blown chaos. His superior hadn’t even bothered on giving him the lecture of his life. Yifan, as a rotation clerk and as a doctor in the lowest ranks of the hospital hierarchy, rightfully deserved it.

But the current mess in the ER had hindered the wizened Emergency Room chief from doing anything but give him a short glare.

“Get the nurses and move to the left ward. Everyone needs stitches.”

And stitches Yifan did, on seventeen wailing teenagers who’d apparently gotten into a minor accident. It’s barely twelve in the afternoon and Yifan is so bloody tired.

Overthinking is the soul out of him.

“Are you okay, doctor?”

Yifan hums. Passively, he wonders if he had a faraway look on his face, he shouldn’t have allowed his patients to even get a glimpse of how thoroughly distraught he is.

Junmyeon really got him good. She wields such great power over him, to the littlest molecule that made him who he is. To be honest, he’s starting to become terrified, little tendrils of doubt clouding logic.

She left him hanging and this entire situation could lead into two things – one good, the other disastrous. Yifan prayed to whomever god out there, for it to be the former.

It had all been on a whim after all. Junmyeon had looked more than beautiful in a white dress with flowers strewn over her hair and she looked at him as if she loved him.  

Had he been seeing things? Had he been so desperate that he projected his own feelings onto someone who never felt the same?

This is overthinking. Yifan would be a doctor and there’s no space for overthinking in his slate. He should congratulate Junmyeon for that, she’s the only person that can reduce him to this.

“Doctor?”

Yifan finishes the procedure, fingers deftly moving and movements conducted through muscle memory.

“Don’t worry about me, miss.” He says.

The patient looks at him in open wonder. “It’s gonna be okay, doctor.”

There’s a smile on Yifan’s face when he nods.

~*~

Yifan wonders what ran on Junmyeon’s mind.

She’s overly quiet, and her smiles shuttered – honest but vague. He couldn’t help but think if something had shifted between them after he threw all his cards on the table.

The thing is, Yifan didn’t have time for more friends, he’s not aloof as what everyone thinks of him, he’s just busy. Yifan’s not an entirely social creature either, he has Jongdae and Minseok – though handful most of the time – and they’re enough.

And then came Junmyeon with her blonde hair and a persona shrouded with a thin veil of secrets.

Junmyeon couldn’t have thought that there’s not a single strand of attraction on his part, actions could have said more than what words can convey. Yifan has done so many things that’s not necessarily normal for him because he wanted to be closer to her – for friendship, for love? He hadn’t been sure but the longer they stuck together, it became clear that he wanted her for something that isn’t platonic. Yifan wanted Junmyeon for all her perfect flaws and gorgeous smiles, for the inherent kindness she hid with cynicism.

“Two weeks.”

They’re sitting on the quadrangle again, Yifan had been telling her about the disastrous day in the ER while she held his hand and traced mundane patterns all over his long fingers.

“I’ll tell you everything at the end of two weeks.”

“You make it sound like you’re going to disappear.”

Junmyeon’s laugh is broken, like it had been forcefully ripped away from her.

“Until then, will you act as if you love me?”

Yifan smiles, oblivious. “Do you want a test drive for a relationship?”

“No, I want to experience something I know I can never have.”

The man doesn’t reply, the statement had left an acrid taste in his mouth but he’s too in love with her to even disagree. 

Yifan would later realize that he’d been so wrong, that he shouldn’t have agreed to her, that he should have asked her there and then if she felt even a speck of the love that Yifan held until it had been borderline painful.

He would have saved himself from pain.

But in that moment, Yifan knew nothing and he’s willing to do anything for her, because he loves her.

For Junmyeon, what ensues, is an act and for Yifan, it’s a dream.

There isn’t a significant change to their relationship except Junmyeon touches him like she’s afraid he’ll run once the grip she has around him disappears. Yifan’s happy, though at the back of his mind he’s sure he’s projecting and consequently giving himself false reassurances.

 If Junmyeon wanted to be with him, she would have told him so but instead they’re doing this vague charade.

Yifan is a fool, and Junmyeon’s a coward.

One time, around six days into whatever it is that’s going on between them, Junmyeon knocks on his shared apartment and when Yifan opens the door she merely stares at him for two seconds before initiating a kiss that steals the very breath from Yifan’s lungs.

Prior to this, they had dinner – in some lavish restaurant. Yifan had worn a suit jacket and she had on a dress, a shade lighter than her hair. For once, Junmyeon acted like herself again. They talked about everything and laughed for the most mundane things.

They were like what they used to be.

Yifan had asked her to dance, because the restaurant played Sinatra. Junmyeon obliged, wound her arms around his neck as they slow danced to lyrics he didn’t process. They didn’t notice that couples had started to abandon the floor, they were in their personal bubble. Yifan didn’t think that it had been a charade.

 Junmyeon’s body slotted nicely against his own and he wondered if he could have Junmyeon this close until whenever.

“I love you, I really do.”

Junmyeon hadn’t ran. She pressed his face against his chest and murmured something he didn’t catch.

Yifan thought that this pretense would change her mind. But all good things eventually end. The affair is brief, like forever compressed in a couple of hours.

Yifan stopped his car in front of her apartment tower and before Junmyeon stepped out of the vehicle, Yifan kissed her – long, deep and desperate. Please love me, is it too much to ask?

And Junmyeon kissed back, equally desperate. Her fingers found purchase on his rather expensive dress shirt. Yifan didn’t want to let her go.

“Goodbye.”

In the present, Yifan kisses her back.

Lust, love and everything else in between heated lips, and hands roaming on top of skin previously untouched. It’s not long before Yifan presses his lips on the skin of Junmyeon’s pale neck.

“If I beg, will you?”

Yifan understands the words unsaid and he’s so far gone to utter a no. “You don’t have to.”

Clothes are strewn all over the place, bare skin against bare skin and lips on each other’s. Yifan wanted her and Junmyeon had allowed him to.

Junmyeon’s back hits the bed and Yifan crowds over, kneeling on the space between her parted thighs. He kisses like he’s worshipping her, and Yifan’s too far gone to even think about his actions.

She’s beautiful, even more so . Junmyeon’s gasping into the crook of his neck as they slowly undo.

“Please.”

Yifan complies, actions a little erratic, Junmyeon brackets both legs around his torso and pulls him even closer. Yifan can’t breathe. He’s murmuring all his adoration in stuttered Mandarin and Junmyeon digs her nails on his back.

In between the haze brought about by nothing but lust, Junmyeon had looked at Yifan and the latter realized that he adores her far too much. He kisses her again, demanding and desperate, the sound of skin slapping against skin echo over the darkened room.

Junmyeon gasps into his mouth as her washes over them. Yifan grits his teeth, as she bites on his skin.

“Oh god – .”

“Come.”

And Yifan does. The feeling hits so hard he nearly whites out. Junmyeon’s shuddering in his arms and it doesn’t stop Yifan from holding her closer.

“I love you.” Yifan whispers, kissing her jaw. “I really do.”

Yifan’s room is shrouded in half darkness. He’s kissing the back of Junmyeon’s neck while his fingers trace patterns on the bare canvas that is her skin.

“Tell me something else about the hospice.” Junmyeon asks amid the darkness. Yifan nods, lips still brushing her skin.

“It’s where my mother had been before she died. She opted out of chemo after a cancer diagnosis. The people in that hospice gave her all the care she could have needed.”

“I’m sorry about your mom. Did you become a doctor for her?”

Yifan shakes his head. “I had dreams of being a pianist because of her. She was a musician, a cellist for a touring Chinese orchestra. I still wanted to play but I realized I could never do it with an audience that’s not her. I played for her. I couldn’t touch the piano after she passed away.”

“So, you studied medicine then.”

“I was idealistic. I had notions of wanting to save people because I don’t want them to end up like my mother. But I realized I couldn’t do that without understanding what it’s like to be human first, to feel pain, loss, love and death. After my mom died, it all felt like an unending cycle, I never properly grieved her. Medicine was a distraction, easy and everything because I have photographic memory.”

Junmyeon chuckles.

“But I never understood the essence of it before I volunteered for the same hospice where my mother died. It’s like a wakeup slap. Somehow, I started to understand that life’s so fragile, and there will be times that I wouldn’t save anyone, that people will die and there’s nothing I can do. The hospice taught me that it’s okay. It taught me that the life that’s been lived is as important as the body that dies and a person doesn’t necessarily cease to exist when his physically body decays, he will leave memories and other traces and those don’t easily disappear.”

“The hospice taught you that death is just a part of life.”

“No, it taught me that my mother didn’t abandon me.”

Yifan thinks about the words and chuckles, “I didn’t grieve because I was angry. She was my only family and when she passed, I was mad. Why did she have to get sick, why did she have to die, why me? why us? I was so ing angry at everyone, I hated the whole damn world. But you know, being around people who were dying taught me that I wasn’t the only one abandoned, and I shouldn’t be selfish because death and loss happen to everyone.”

Junmyeon partially rises, hovering above him, her red hair undrapes from her shoulder so Yifan reaches and tucks some of the strands to the back of her ear. She stares at him before leaning down to kiss him softly. Yifan holds her close and she sighs into his mouth.

“Your mother must have loved you.”

“She did.”

“You’re lucky. Some parents exist to bear their children and leave them to self-destruct. I’m happy your mother had you so that years later you can be with me.”

“I’m simply happy that you’re here with me.”

“Me too Fan. I badly want this to be forever but –“

Yifan grits his teeth, “But you won’t?”

“I can’t.” Junmyeon says, her voice breaks. “But I’ll do everything so that you’re happy. I promise you, Fan. You’ll be happy without me.”  

You’re selfish then. Who are you to dictate my happiness and how can you say that I’ll be happy without you when you’re all that’s making me happy. You’re all that’s worth waking up to in the morning?

Why can’t you stop making me believe that you’ll love me when it’s clear that you don’t and you never will?

Yifan wants to argue so badly but he doesn’t want to ruin this moment. Junmyeon’s body is warm against his own, and she smells like mint, spice and .

It’s 4 in the morning and she holds him sweetly while she gradually breaks his heart.

~*~

It’s been fourteen days, exactly two weeks. And in between dates, kisses and the last few days had been perfect, a charade so believable Yifan almost deluded himself that she loved him.

Meet me in the music hall.

It’s where everything began. Yifan first noticed that Junmyeon looked beautiful and intimidating, where Junmyeon told him to live a little, where Junmyeon finally ends everything.

It’s in the music hall where Yifan fell and it’s in the music hall where Junmyeon will leave him in pieces. He can feel it.

~*~

Surprisingly, Yifan learns the truth in the most anti-climactic way.

He’s about to do his rotation in Internal Medicine, when he notices Junmyeon’s face smack dab in the middle of a broadsheet newspaper, a patient is reading in the lobby.

The title says, BUSINESS: Meet the Heiress to Asia’s most successful mixed industry conglomerate, Kim Junmyeon.

The newspaper isn’t the current issue and when the patient finally puts it down, Yifan politely asks for it. The old man only nods and with shaking fingers Yifan rereads the title and stares at Junmyeon’s pretty face on the cover. Her hair is red and she’s wearing the same glittering necklace Yifan still has hidden inside his nightstand.

The businesswoman is the eldest child of KMI’s CEO, Kim Jihoon and international socialite, Lee Miran.

Yifan’s eyes the paper, disbelief coursing through his veins more than anything.

With a genius level intellect, Kim Junmyeon has been part of MENSA since she was 12. She was educated in London and consequently moved to Massachusetts Institute of Technology, acquiring her electrical engineering degree at age 17 and engineering phD at age 19. Kim Junmyeon, now twenty-three, studies finance in Seoul National University.

Well damn.

The article goes on to list Junmyeon’s properties from endless cars to lavish estates in every big city across the world.

Together with her younger brother, Kim Jongin, the siblings are the biggest shareholders of Kim Mixed Industries. With a personal net worth of $12B, Kim Junmyeon is the youngest billionaire in South Korea and third in Asia.

Without surprise, the first thing that pops into Yifan’s mind after reading the article is that: goddamn Junmyeon is loaded.

No wonder she didn’t seem to think that a Harry Winston necklace (this, Yifan realizes days after Junmyeon had disposed of it in his care) holds much value. Yifan blanks out. He’s not angry that Junmyeon withheld the truth from him. She has the right to keep some things about her life, as private as possible. Yifan would never begrudge her for that.

But what about the hospice and it’s connection to her conglomerate. Junmyeon’s family wanted to buy the humble hospice and this fact begs the question if Junmyeon had any say in the dealings.

Was it all a sham then? Did she wanted his friendship to let her family acquire the hospice faster?

No. It didn’t look like that. The Kims are far too powerful and they surely don’t need to send their heiress for a deal to acquire some measly building. The Kims practically control the country’s economy, and the latter willingly bends to its whims.

Not to mention Junmyeon’s animosity with her immediate family. From what she’d shown him, it didn’t seem like she appreciated that she’s associated with them, that or Junmyeon’s a very good actress.

But why?

Yifan is confused.

Did she play with his feelings, made him fell so hard just to mock him for it in the end? Was that it?

But the thing is Junmyeon never had to try. Yifan fell for her soul and it would take more than a surprising truth to eradicate the seemingly unceasing emotions that had taken root so deeply in his heart.

He’ll talk to her and hopefully they can get to the bottom of this.

~*~

The music hall is still as empty except for a lone woman sitting before the piano. Junmyeon plays a slowed version of ‘Rite of Spring’ the very piece he’d been playing when they met for the second time.

Yifan makes his presence known and when Junmyeon’s gaze lands on him, she smiles, subdued and a bit sad.

“Hi.”

Yifan smiles, “Hi.”

Nothing changes in the way Yifan thinks of her. She belongs to the world’s rich and so what? Yifan wants to make this clear because penniless or billionaire, no amount of money will define her worth. And in her case, she’s more than her riches.

Junmyeon has a beautiful soul and that’s most important.

“Why’d you want to meet in this dusty place?”

Junmyeon chuckles, “I wanted to hear you play? Will you?”

Yifan nods. He takes languid steps towards the ancient Steinway and caresses its ivory keys before sitting down. Junmyeon watches him as he strikes the piano. For the first time in a really long while, Yifan lets go. No sheet music automatically pops into his mind as he plays something new, something he’s never really heard himself play before.

The piece sounded harrowing, and it conveyed a mix of Yifan’s thoughts and emotions and a longing for someone so close and at the same time, so far.

“That’s definitely not Debussy.” Junmyeon says. “It was beautiful, thank you.”

“For you?” Yifan half jokes. He turns his back on the piano and tilts his head to look at Junmyeon. “You wanted to tell me something?”

“I still don’t know how to tell you. I’m terrified.”

Yifan pulls her towards him and gathers her in what he hopes is a placating embrace. He’s still sitting on the piano stool so he ends up pressing his cheek against her flat stomach. Junmyeon cards her fingers down his short hair and for minutes they stay in that position. The silence is calming.

“Whatever it is,” though Yifan already knows, “it’s okay. I understand.”

Junmyeon inhales, finally getting ready to narrate her side of the story. She never even gets to begin because Yifan’s phone vibrates. The message was from the hospice.

Miss Yang demands your presence. Currently in stage 3, please arrive ASAP.

The patient is dying. Yifan sighs for two separate reasons.

“I have to go to the hospice. Patient needs me.” Yifan stands up, “I’ll go to your flat. And Junmyeon I understand, just tell me. I’ll see you later?”

Yifan turns to head for the exit but Jnmyeon’s grip around his wrist tightens.

“Yifan wait.”

Yifan has never really seen Junmyeon cry except at this moment. For some reason, she looks devastated and her hold is almost painful.

“Junmyeon what –“

Junmyeon kisses him, soft, lingering and loaded with far too much to be considered casual. Yifan feels tears on his cheek, tears that are not from him.

“I love you.”

It’s a goodbye but Yifan is far too surprised and far too blissful to consider the words for more than anything but a confession.

I love you.

That sounded nice.

“I love you more.” Yifan says, smiling from ear to ear. “I love you, I’ll see you later, okay.”

Junmyeon never said yes.

~*~

“You need to ing stop.”

The thing about law major Kim Minseok is that he never, ever curses and never ever loses his calm. That’s why he and Jongdae is a perfect match, because Jongdae is loud and in a constant state of caffeine induced panic and Minseok is the complete opposite.

Yifan’s seeing in doubles and he reeked of alcohol.

“Am I not allowed to be foolish for once in my life, Minseok hyung?”

He’s drunk but maybe not drunk enough. Everything hurts so ing badly, the alcohol seemed to have enhanced all his senses instead of doing what its supposed to be doing. Everything. Hurts. So. ing. Much.

Minseok snatches the bottle from him and puts it on the breakfast counter where Jongdae’s shoving every other empty bottle in the trash bin. The youngest of the three looks at Yifan in utmost concern. He must have been surprised to see Yifan so shattered.

But Yifan isn’t just shattered, he’s pulverized.

“Yifan this is enough, you’re going to poison yourself. It’s been a week, Wu, you’ve never been sober. You’re not attending your rotations, are you really going to do this to yourself? This isn’t the Wu Yifan I know, you’re better than this.”

And Yifan laughs because he knows, he’s ing aware that he’s gradually spiraling into someone he never wants to be just because of a woman.

A woman.

Love.

. It all seemed so petty, so mundane. Yifan used to think that feelings and relationships aren’t worth it, they’re inconvenient. The thing is, his situation is entirely different, they didn’t have a relationship. In the first place nothing really began so he doesn’t have the right to mourn over something that wasn’t even there. Hysterical.

And yet he’s here, on his umpteenth bottle of alcohol, trying to poison himself to momentarily forget Junmyeon.

He hadn’t been kidding when he told her he’s attached.

“I know hyung.” Yifan tells him, “I know. but what do you expect me to do? I’m so ing lost here. She told me she loved me, loved me, . How am I supposed to know that she didn’t mean it?”

“Then stop killing yourself goddamn it! You’re not going to figure out anything if you’re wasting away like this. Go find out what she meant by that and for ’s sake if she played you then move on. You deserve better than someone who threw you around like that. You’re a doctor Yifan, you’re basically a goddamned genius. Use that intellect, damn it.”

Yifan understands. He presses both palm on his face and forces back tears because he doesn’t want to cry, not in front of Minseok.

“It hurts. No one told me it’s gonna devastate.”

“It doesn’t have to hurt, Wu. It doesn’t have to destroy you.”

~*~

Junmyeon disappeared. That’s it.

Yifan waited and left a thousand messages, called her a thousand times more. She never replied, his calls went unanswered. She broke him.

Before he started bingeing on alcohol, Yifan thought long and hard. What did she gain by telling him she loved him? Had Junmyeon expected this reaction from him, wanted to draw out Yifan’s helplessness by confessing and then disappearing the very moment he started looking for her?

It’s all so confusing and Yifan had been mad, but he realized that Junmyeon could do that too. She did nothing wrong by disappearing without another word. They hadn’t been committed and Junmyeon owes him nothing.

But still, why?

Then Yifan started drinking when he realized that maybe Junmyeon did want this to happen. Like a game. Maybe she’d wanted to reduce Yifan into this, maybe hurting him gave her an ego boost. Yifan held a reputation after all, he’s one of SNU’s most prized students and maybe Junmyeon didn’t want that so she destroyed him.

It sounded comical, petty and infantile. Junmyeon hadn’t been that type of person.

So, why?

Why?

She could have just disappeared without telling him anything, and yet she did. She confessed and Yifan had been so happy. Junmyeon dashed his dreams.

God, just why?

A week after she disappeared, a representative from the Kim Mixed Industries arrives in the hospice bearing good news, the Kims had withdrawn the bid to the building.

Everyone cheers. Yifan remains silent. He should have been celebrating with the rest but he can’t bring himself to even function.

He’s reminded of Junmyeon’s words.

I’ll do everything so that you’re happy.

Did she mean this? Did she force her parents to leave the hospice alone to make sure that the loss of it doesn’t upset him? She’d been so dreadfully wrong then.

Yifan’s not happy, Yifan’s not sad either. To be honest, Yifan’s starting to feel numb. He’d been abandoned, they always seem to do that to him. People just readily dictate his emotions and they think they have the right to adjust accordingly. People just automatically assume without asking. He can’t begrudge Junmyeon for that, he simply can’t but it doesn’t lessen the blow.

She could have just told him nothing, she could have just disappeared out of thin air without telling Yifan, with tears in her eyes, that she loved him.

Confessing an emotion as deep as love takes courage, love is a commitment and a million other things strewn into one complicated word. It’s a goddamned promise. Junmyeon is cruel, it’s like Yifan had fallen off and she’d held out his hand to help him up, and when Yifan thought he’s finally safe, she mercilessly let go.

What a mess.

~*~

A month after Junmyeon disappeared, someone called Kim Jongin goes looking for him. The man – boy – shares the same elegant bone structure as his older sister, Yifan sees the resemblance.

“Are you Doctor Wu Yifan?”

Jongin is in jeans and a T-shirt, he didn’t look like a billionaire’s son but so was Junmyeon. Yifan had learned to never assume by outward appearances.

“Not quite a doctor yet.” Yifan chuckles, “How may I help?”

Jongin looks away, fidgeting on his seat. “Can we step outside for a bit?”

“Sure.”

The boy liked cheap sandwiches with shredded chicken and a lot of dressing. Jongin reminds Yifan of Junmyeon so much and the dull pain becomes almost unbearable.

“I usually don’t meddle with noona’s affairs.” Jongin begins. “But she’s just devastated. I don’t even recognize her anymore. She has so many problems on her plate right now and somehow, I just knew that seeing you would comfort her. I heard so many stories about you so I’m just throwing the towel here because I’ve exhausted all options. I don’t know what relationship you guys have, but please, will you see her?”
 

Yifan chuckles, “I’d like to see her. I love your sister but she doesn’t really feel that way about me. I don’t understand why she’s devastated when it was her choice to leave without saying why.”

Jongin stares at him, “My sister hasn’t told you the whole story. It’s not my right to tell. But if you change your mind, she’s in London. I’ll provide everything you’ll need, just go see her, please?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“For what its worth, I think Junmyeon feels the same.”

~*~

Yifan thought long hard but it’s the longing, something he felt deep into his bones that drove him to pack, enough for a few days. Jongin had booked his flight and readily provided for his stay in London.

Junmyeon resides in a modern townhouse a few blocks away from the University of Cambridge.

Yifan had caught sight of her so many times. She looked okay, a far cry from what Jongin told him. She’s unlike Yifan who’s driven himself to half insanity with missing her so much. He’s at a point where he’s willing to be with her in under any circumstance, she doesn’t even have to explain why.

But he holds back because he doesn’t want to overwhelm her and when he’s finally decided to make his presence known, Junmyeon indirectly mocks him for his poor decision.

He’s waiting in a café near her house, it’s eight in the morning and Yifan’s watched her enough to know that she passes by promptly at eight fifteen. This time, however, there’s a man by her side. The man has a boyish face, a lot shorter than him, Asian. The man has his arm around her waist and Junmyeon laughs at whatever it is he’s saying.

Yifan didn’t jump to conclusions but when the man leaves a kiss on Junmyeon’s cheek and Junmyeon never had a reaction, Yifan understands.

So, this was the reason why? She told him she loved him but she can’t be with him because she already has someone waiting for her on another country, halfway across the globe.

Junmyeon should have just stabbed him and left him to die, Yifan would have appreciated it more than her lies.

Yifan doesn’t know how long he sat inside the café. He doesn’t allow himself to feel because he could potentially combust. He’ll have a meltdown when he’s back in Seoul, but for now he sits there and the gravity of his realization makes bile rise up his throat.

Even after everything she did, Yifan’s still in love with Junmyeon and it hurts, it hurts so much.

tell me if the pace is too fast bc i honestly think it is.

BTW DINNER IS THE SONG OF MY LIFE. ALL HAIL KJM