Get out of my way

Wonsik really didn’t know what to think of the words written across his abs.

On the one hand, they were the first words his soul mate had spoken to him. Regardless of the context, that made them special. When he was a child, Wonsik had often daydreamed about his soul mate and how their first meeting would happen. He’d always pictured something cheesy, something straight out of a romance novel.

His favorite daydream had always involved running into his soul mate at a coffee shop, the other in a rush to go somewhere and in their haste they would spill their coffee all over Wonsik. At first they’d be upset, but then Wonsik would say something – hopefully something cool and romantic, something you’d want to have written on your body – and they'd realize who he was. Then it would be romance and kisses, marriage and children. A happy ending.

On the other hand, there was the actual context of the words.

He remembered the second he heard those words, the second he realized who his soul mate was, with perfect clarity. He remembered laughing with his friends, cracking jokes and enjoying the idea of finally being free of high school. He remembered noticing Sanghyuk heading their direction and pointing it out to his friends. He remembered getting ready for one last round of insults.

Then Sanghyuk had shoved past him, not giving anyone time to say anything, while uttering the exact same words written on his body.

The words had started to burn. It was an angry, hot burning sensation, so bad that it honestly hurt. It was like the words knew. They knew what he had done to Sanghyuk, the pain he had inflicted on the person who had said them. It was like the words wanted to hurt him and if that was true…..Wonsik couldn’t say he blamed them. He’d done a lot of research about it, trying to figure out if the words had some kind of sentient thought, but couldn’t find anything concrete.

At the time, his friends hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. No one had until he got home that night and his parents noticed how quiet he was. They had asked what was wrong, pressed until they got an answer out of him. All Wonsik could do was lift up his shirt and show them the words, now a brilliant gold. They’d been so happy, so overjoyed that he’d found his other half.

It was too much for him and he broke down crying, the full realization of what it all meant finally hitting him.

He’d hurt his soul mate. He’d said horrible things to him. His parents, his teachers, and society in general had all taught him that you had to protect your soul mate, that hurting them was a horribly and scummy thing to do. People who inflicted pain on their soul mate were some of the worst people out there. And Wonsik…..he had…….he had……..

When he calmed down enough to talk, he told his parents everything. They were so disappointed in him. Not just because he had hurt his soul mate, but because he had bullied people. They really thought that they had raised him better. Wonsik had thought he was a better person then that, too. Turns out he’d been lying to himself.

Wonsik didn’t know what to do with himself after that. He decided to take a pass on college, not at all ready for something like that. Not when his whole world had been thrown into chaos. He spent the summer wandering around town, trying to figure out his next move. His friends weren’t helpful, none of them felt they had anything to be guilty over. It was why he didn’t tell them about Sanghyuk being his soul mate. He really didn’t want to find out how they would react to that bit of news.

While wandering through town, Wonsik ended up spotting Sanghyuk a lot. Sometimes, he’d keep walking, doing his best to ignore the burning across his stomach. Other times, he’d stop and watch and wish that things were different. He’d watch as Sanghyuk went about his business and wonder what the words written on Sanghyuk’s skin said. He knew it was something horrible and hateful, not like he had said anything nice to Sanghyuk. It would also explain why Sanghyuk hadn’t said a single word to him throughout all of high school. The words, whatever they were, were probably so bad that Sanghyuk had hated him before they’d even met.

That thought left Wonsik feeling even worse. His soul mate had rejected him before they had even met. He was such a horrible person in the eyes of his soul mate that they refused to let him know who they were. If Sanghyuk hadn’t been so careless on graduation day, Wonsik wouldn’t know anything. He’d just be wandering though life, waiting for someone who had already left him.

He didn’t blame Sanghyuk. He deserved whatever punishment the other could deal out.

And yet……Wonsik wanted Sanghyuk in his life.

It was this need that drove Wonsik to talk to Sanghyuk’s parents.

It was this need that made him keep trying until they finally let him say his peace.

It was this need that left him standing in Sanghyuk’s empty room, just looking over the things that Sanghyuk hadn’t taken to college with him. Wonsik went over the personal items carefully, trying to get to know Sanghyuk like he should have done back in high school. He looked over the photos over and over, his heart aching when he realized that the Sanghyuk in the photos stopped smiling about the time high school started. He didn’t smile much before either and Wonsik knew that it was his fault.

Wonsik talked to Sanghyuk’s parents a lot, trying to get to know their son through the stories they told him. He learned a lot about Sanghyuk that way. From favorite foods to childish misbehavior. Things that Wonsik would have known if he hadn’t been such a…..such a……such a horrible person to Sanghyuk.

Thing was, he hadn’t been horrible to just Sanghyuk. If it was, things would be easier. No, he’d been horrible to a lot of kids throughout high school and he felt terrible about it. This feeling drove him to dig out his old yearbooks and make a list of everyone he remembered being a jackass to. He then contacted every person on that list, apologizing over and over for what he had done. Some rejected his apologies, some accepted, and others told him that they didn’t care anymore. That he and what he had done were nothing to them.

That was just the first step in Wonsik’s attempt to fix his mistakes, the second came at Christmas when Sanghyuk returned home to visit.

What are you doing here?

You forgot to mention a few other words, dad. But I’d be happy to give them

I’d rather be anywhere else but around him

Wonsik hadn’t expected the meeting to go smoothly. He’d actually expected a lot more yelling, more anger. Overall, things had actually gone pretty well. And yet….Wonsik wished they had gone better. As foolish as it was, as completely stupid as it was, he wished that the meeting had ended in a way that left him with a chance. A chance to be a part of Sanghyuk’s life. A chance for him to be in Sanghyuk’s life the way soul mates were meant to be.

He knew that wouldn’t happen, that it couldn’t happen, but he wished with all his heart that it could.

He knew Sanghyuk would never forgive him, he had no reason to.

And that was what made Sanghyuk’s appearance at the coffee shop he worked at such a surprise.

When Sanghyuk first walked in, Wonsik felt the words heat up. Not in a way that burned, but in a nice way. Wonsik could only describe it as the kind of warmth you feel when you entered a warm house after being outside in a snowstorm. It felt wonderful and Wonsik wanted to feel that warmth forever. He was quick to realize that that wouldn’t be possible and it made him extremely nervous about why Sanghyuk was there.

When Sanghyuk just ordered a drink and sat down in a corner, Wonsik didn’t know what to think. His imagination was cooking up all kinds of crazy ideas to justify Sanghyuk being there and it drove Wonsik a little crazy. It took a few minutes and a couple of orders that he almost messed up, but he eventually got his feelings under control and focused on his work. He focused so hard on his work that it forgot about Sanghyuk being there at all until his shift was over.

Then the nerves and crazy ideas came back.

The whole meeting…….it was……..Wonsik didn’t know what it was. Sanghyuk heard him out, which wasn’t something that he thought was going to happen. He wondered just how much Sanghyuk’s parents effected this choice.

Well, he did until Sanghyuk mentioned Hakyeon.

The second Sanghyuk said the other man’s name, Wonsik felt fear. He knew that Sanghyuk would never be his, could never be his. He knew that Sanghyuk had a right to find someone else and he deserved to find someone who would love him and never hurt him like his soul mate had. And yet…..

When Sanghyuk told him that Hakyeon was only his friend and roommate, Wonsik couldn’t help but be happy. Even if his happiness angered Sanghyuk, he couldn’t help but feel it.

After Sanghyuk left, Wonsik was left sitting there alone.

He’d finally apologized for everything he had done and he’d gotten some kind of response from everyone. It kind of felt like that part of his life was finally done with. Like he could move on to the next stage. The question was what was that next stage?

When he got home, he started working on his college enrollment, hoping that he could still get into a program. It took a couple of days to receive a response, but luck seemed to be on his side because he was accepted. He felt a little worried that he would be at the same school as Sanghyuk, but he tried to ignore that feeling as he got ready to leave. If he ran into Sanghyuk, then he could worry about it.

On his first official day on campus, he ran into Sanghyuk.

Actually, the other ran up to him and told him ‘I forgive you.’

Wonsik didn’t know what to say to that, especially after he asked Sanghyuk if he’d hear him right.

That was where Hakyeon came in. Sanghyuk’s roommate was quick to run up and start talking to him. He was so quick to do it that it through Wonsik off even more. Hakyeon had to know what he’d done to Sanghyuk, right? So why was he being so friendly? Was it a trick? Or was Hakyeon really that nice?

Turned out, Hakyeon really was that nice.

Hakyeon seemed to have no problem with him. At first anyway. The first time Wonsik was left alone with him, Hakyeon made it very clear that he really hated him for what he’d put Sanghyuk through. However, he understood that Wonsik had changed, that he deeply regretted what he had done and he was already being punished for his mistakes. Because he was already suffering, Hakyeon saw no point in making things worse by treating Wonsik like crap.

He wished the rest of Sanghyuk’s friends shared this idea.

Jaehwan didn’t talk to him. Taekwoon straight up ignored him after their first meeting where he told Wonsik exactly what he thought of him. Hongbin kept making snide remarks at his expense. He knew he deserved it, but it still hurt. If this was anything like what he’d put Sanghyuk through…….

On the bright side, Sanghyuk was nice to him. He’d talk to Wonsik, help him with school work if he asked, and invite Wonsik to hang out every so often. It was better then what he thought he deserved, so he could deal with everything else.

As time went by, several years to be exact, things got better. Jaehwan started including him in conversation. Taekwoon would acknowledge him. Hongbin’s comments got less harsh and less common. Wonsik didn’t know if this was because they’d come to realize that he wasn’t the same person as he’d been in high school or if they’d just gotten tired of acting like that.

His relationship with Sanghyuk had also gotten better over the years, too. Their interactions felt……warmer. Sanghyuk talked to him more and the conversations were deeper, more detailed. Sanghyuk was more open with him about things. Sometimes, he was the first one Sanghyuk went to with problems. Even if it had taken four years or so, Wonsik felt so happy when he thought of how far he and Sanghyuk had come.

And then he remembered that he would likely never be with Sanghyuk the way he wanted. In those four years, he’d watched Sanghyuk date several people. Most of those relationships only lasted a few months, but one had spanned a couple of years, only breaking up because the other person found their soul mate and dropped Sanghyuk like their time together meant nothing. Wonsik couldn’t put into words how angry that had made him, especially when he saw how much the whole thing had hurt Sanghyuk.

“What are you thinking about?” Sanghyuk asked, taking a seat on Wonsik’s bed. He hadn’t even realized that Sanghyuk had come in.

“Nothing important,” he smiled, “just trying to think of song ideas.”

After college, he and Sanghyuk had gotten work at the same company. Sanghyuk was a dance instructor while Wonsik worked as the head songwriter and producer. It had seemed only natural for them to become roommates, according to Sanghyuk anyway.

And that was how Wonsik found himself sharing the same space as the person he loved more than anything.

“Need any help?” Sanghyuk offered, “or do you have, like, a special theme your supposed to be working with?”

“I was told that the group has a voodoo concept,” Wonsik told him, “so I was thinking something dark, but…..”

“You’re stuck beyond that,” Sanghyuk nodded in understanding, “well, what kind of voodoo are they thinking? Zombies?”

“Voodoo dolls,” Wonsik replied.

“Voodoo dolls,” Sanghyuk hummed, trying to think of something to help the other, “what if the voodoo doll was in love with the person using it?”

“Maybe,” Wonsik frowned slightly, liking this idea, “but the one using it loves someone else and always will.”

“The voodoo doll doesn’t mind though,” Sanghyuk grinned, “because it loves the one using it so much that it would do anything for them.”

“I can work with this,” Wonsik grinned, writing down some lyrics, “thanks.”

“It’s sad, isn’t it?” Sanghyuk sighed, leaning back on the bed, “the doll is never going to receive the love it wants, but it can’t stop loving its owner.”

“When you really love someone,” Wonsik smiled sadly, “so long as they’re happy, it doesn’t matter how much pain you’re in. it doesn’t matter if they never love you.”

“You sound like you’ve been there,” Sanghyuk said after a pause.

“I know,” Wonsik nodded slightly, silently cursing himself for saying what he’d said. He didn’t need Sanghyuk knowing how he felt. He didn’t want Sanghyuk to hate him, to stop being his friend.

“Wonsik,” Sanghyuk frowned slightly, not sure what to say.

That was when Sanghyuk’s phone went off. He excused himself, leaving Wonsik alone.

--

“You do know he’s in love with you, right?” Hakyeon frowned slightly, “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone who knows him.”

“I wondered,” Sanghyuk admitted, “but I just…..”

“You pretended you didn’t know,” Jaehwan finished, “because addressing Wonsik’s feelings doesn’t end with just his feelings. You have to address your own feelings and that’s something you don’t want to do either.”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk sighed, sagging in his seat, “I’m a coward, aren’t it?”

“You’re human,” Hakyeon assured him, “there’s lots of people who’d act the same in your shoes.”

“But you need to address your feelings now,” Taekwoon advised, “as well as his. It’s not fair to either of you to keep doing this thing that you’re doing.”

“Yeah,” Hongbin nodded, “cut him loose or start dating him, Sanghyuk. Forget about what kind of person he used to be, stop worrying about what dating someone who used to bully you means, and focus on who he is now.”

“You’re right,” Sanghyuk nodded, “you’re right.”

--

“Hey,” Sanghyuk said, “can we talk?”

“Sure,” Wonsik nodded, tensing slightly. A little voice in his head told him that whatever Sanghyuk wanted to talk about wouldn’t be good and he was scared that the voice was right.

“I haven’t been fair to you,” Sanghyuk frowned slightly, “I think……even though I said accepted your apology, I didn’t really accept it. I never really forgot about everything and because of that……I haven’t paid attention to your feelings.”

“That’s fine,” Wonsik said after a long moment, voice weak with fear over what he thought might be said next, “I’m fine with how things are.”

“Are you really, though?” Sanghyuk frowned, “Wonsik, how things are……they aren’t fine. You’re hurting and I don’t like it.”

“It’s fine,” Wonsik insisted, tears starting to form in his eyes, “I deserve it.”

“No you don’t,” Sanghyuk’s frown deepened as he realized just how horrible Wonsik felt about who he used to be, “you deserve to be happy and loved.”

“I’m happy like this,” Wonsik said, shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs, “I don’t need to be loved. I just want to stay like this. I’m happy just being with you.”

“Wonsik,” Sanghyuk rushed forewords to hug the other, “please don’t cry. Please, I’m not sending you away or anything.”

“I love you,” Wonsik sobbed even harder, “I love you so much. Please, please don’t hate me for that. We can pretend I never said anything if you want. Just please don’t make me leave.”

“It’s ok,” Sanghyuk replied, “I swear that I’m not sending you away. Wonsik, please don’t cry. I love you too, so please stop crying.”

Wonsik kept crying well into the night and Sanghyuk held him tightly the whole time, telling him over and over that he wasn’t sending him away and that he loved him. The following morning, the pair actually addressed Sanghyuk’s confession. There was no passionate kiss, nor anything more physical. All that happened was that Sanghyuk asked Wonsik out on a date and Wonsik accepted.

A/N: ok, so this……I had somewhat of a clear vision of what I wanted to do. But when I actually started writing……..it turned into this. I like how it turned out over all, although I think I kind of lost the plot a couple of times.