On the other shore of sadness,

It is said that there is a smile,

Finally we arrived.

But what are we waiting for?

- Konayuki, Remioromen

Mina, 15 December 2008

College life gets monotonous as times passed by. Everything thing I do now, feels the same – the places I go to and the people I meet every day. Because of my hectic schedule in medical school, everything I did was the same – wake up, prepare for class, eat, study, cram, and sleep (if I still can). I would go out with my friends every now and then, but that’s it. As I struggle to get through each day, I find myself losing interest at what I am doing, or maybe I’m just lost at the moment. I hate to admit that to myself, but I feel like my heart is always searching for something far away.

I don’t know if it is called a of fate, but something unexpected happened. One day I came home from my laboratory class, I was so tired that I sat down on my bed and opened my laptop. I checked my email and saw something that I’ve never seen in a long time – an email from Jinyoung! I had to blink once just to make sure that I wasn’t just seeing things. When I realized that I wasn’t just hallucinating, I opened it and read that he will be visiting over here in Boston for the winter holidays to see me.

I couldn’t explain it but my heart was suddenly filled with excitement despite from having a tiring day. I replied that I was looking forward to seeing him again and that I’d be happy to pick him up in the airport. For the first time in four years, I have something to get enthusiastic about. That is why on the following days upon my winter vacation, I made sure to finish all my requirements and pass all my exams so I can go on the vacation early.

On the day of Jinyoung’s arrival, I asked Tzuyu if she could drive me to the airport. I told her that a special friend of mine has come from Korea to visit me. She agreed to drive me and seemed curious of the cause of my extreme enthusiasm despite the torture we just underwent from the semester.

“You’re really blooming these days. You’re not pregnant, are you?” Tzuyu looked at me with a judging face.

“Eh?” I was taken aback by Tzuyu’s wild allegations. “No. I’m just excited to see my childhood friend. That’s all.”

“It just feels weird to see you all bright and jumpy. I mean you always seem gloomy about everything but now it feels like your shining like the sun.” She fixed the car’s rear view mirror.  “So, this Jinyoung person, is he some childhood sweetheart of yours?” She asked a she drive.

 “Oh no, nothing like that.” I blushed because of how straightforward her question was. “Just my best friend, I mean more of an only friend. He is the only one I had when I was in Korea.”

“That sounds interesting. I mean, aren’t girl-boy relationship tend to get complex? Especially when there’s always just the two of you.”

I thought hard about it for a minute. Of course, I know for one that there are times when I get my feelings mixed up, but the two of us never crossed any lines and I guess it made our friendship last for a long time. “We never had that kind of problem. We really are just friends.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind to hook us up together?” Tzuyu grinned at me as she pulled over at the airport parking lot.

I gave her a weird look. Sometimes, I don’t know if she wants to tease me or if she just want me to say something that would quench her interest. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I replied as I got out of the car.

I went inside the airport and as I wait for Jinyoung at the exit, I kept looking around at people. I was thinking of what I should do once Jinyoung arrives. To be honest, I was a bit nervous. I pressed the uniform button Jinyoung gave me on our graduation and closed my eyes, imagining what he would look like now. I didn’t know what to say or what to do once I see him face to face again. Four years had passed and that’s a lot. I don’t know how much he has changed or how much I have changed. Though I’m excited of seeing him again, I often thought that maybe it’s better for us not to see each other again because we may not like the changes.

“You look expensive just by standing there.” A tall man said as he stood in front of me. I was submerged in my thoughts that I didn’t recognize Jinyoung at once. I raised my head and looked at him in the face. I was overwhelmed at how tall he has grown. His hair was longer now too. When we were younger, he always kept a short crew cut but now, his hair has grown longer and it was messy. The soft features in his face was already disappearing even his chubby cheeks. He is a lot leaner now and he looked manlier – handsome to be honest.

Jinyoung must have been baffled by my lack of response so he waved his hand in front of my face,

“Hey, are you with me? Sorry for coming here looking like this.” He smiled and it’s true that he looked unruly with his creased clothes and big heavy backpack, but I think he looks good with a rowdy image.

“You look like someone who just came out of the jungle.” I cleared my throat and smiled back at him.

He let out a soft chuckle, “Well, I have to swim an ocean just to see you again.” He gently my cheek, as if he’s trying to make sure that this isn’t just a dream. “So what do they say it in Japanese? Tadaima?”

I giggled at how cute his Japanese was and gave him a big hug. “Okaeri!”

Jinyoung and I did not waste any moment, we immediately roam around Boston, catching up on things that happened in the past years. I have learned that he was now the captain of the baseball team in Seoul National University. He said that it was a lot of work, especially handling younger members such as the one named Yugyeom who was really stubborn. He also mentioned how he would go to the hospital to visit a friend, and a co Big Bang fan of his, who has leukaemia. Just as before he loves telling me stories and I can never get tired of listening to him.

Jinyoung can’t stop talking about how good Boston looked. It snowed last night and Harvard Square looked like a winter wonderland. A lot of students are taking their time off by playing in the snow. Jinyoung too looked like a child who saw snow for the first time. He kept running around and then would randomly throw snowballs at me. However, I was competitive not to lose to him so I made some snowballs too and thus creating a snow ball fight. Being here with him has taken me back to December in Seoul, where we would play in the snow – making snowman and even sleighing.

Jinyoung would also stop at every building to appreciate the architecture. He would take pictures of them and would ask me to join him in a selca. We also stopped at this gift shop so he could buy some souvenirs for his sisters. Inside, the store was filled with toys that that it felt like Santa Claus’ factory because of the amount of toys you can see inside there.

The two of us walked in front of a bracelet display and Jinyoung looked carefully for a moment.

“Held out your hand for a moment.” He said and took a piece from the display. I held my left hand forward and he put this silver penguin bracelet around my wrist.

“Penguin?”

“It looks like you.” He flashed a wide smile and I found myself melting.

“You should also buy one too so we can have a couple bracelet.” I took a bracelet with a same design and put it on his left wrist. “So we’re now a penguin couple.” I said and the two of us laughed.

After buying the bracelet, we continued walking around Harvard square until we reached Charles River. This time we just walked quietly side by side along the bridge, watching how the streetlights turn on one by one as the sun slowly sets down. I closed my eyes and stopped for a moment and felt the cold breeze gently brush through my face. When I opened my eyes, I saw Jinyoung walking a few steps in front of me. He stopped and slowly turned around to see what I was doing. I can’t explain it but for a moment everything seemed magical. His profile standing a few steps from me completely submerged in the city’s streetlight. He was so radiant that it was blinding. I don’t know how he did it, but a few days ago everything in this city seems to be grey and cold. Seeing him stand there looking at me, only me, as if I was the only person in that crowded bridge, made everything shine and warm all of a sudden.

“What is it?” He asked and he walked closer to me.

“I just can’t believe you’re here with me right now.” I replied softly. “It feels like I’m in a dream right now.”

“Why do I look like a stranger walking here?” He said while looking at his clothes.

“No, but sometimes it feels like my childhood in Korea is something from the distant past now. That you are nothing but a sweet dream I had.” I paused for a moment and looked him in the eyes. “I know that after I left Korea, the chances of seeing you again was almost impossible and that I might never see you again. But now, you’re here. I guess you must be a dream come true.”

Jinyoung smiled and softly reached for my hands, “I understand what you are feeling. Ever since you left, I have this agonizing feeling of not seeing you again. I feel like we are worlds apart now and that seeing you again would be a monumental task. I was starting to accept the fact that the memories I have with you is all in the past now, and that I have to learn to move on and forget. But that afternoon when you called me in April, it gave me hope.”

My hands where getting cold so he pulled it close to his lips and gently blew it. “I realized that if destiny said that I can’t meet you again then I’ll fight it.” He laughed and I can feel the warmth of his breath in my hands.

By this time, the sun was completely out and the streetlights shined so brightly. A lot of people were walking on the bridge but Jinyoung didn’t care. He stepped closer to me closing the gap between us. He reached for my face and his fingers gently brushed my face.

“So no matter how far you are, I’ll find a way to be a step closer to you, even if it means I have to walk a thousand miles around the world.” Jinyoung brushed his hands through my hair and pulled my head closer until our faces are only centimetres away. I can feel his breathing as he moved closer and pressed his soft lips against mine. Suddenly, I have felt an exquisite feeling that all my longings and anguish had melted away. I thought that I was a dying star, but his lips were like fire that lit up my soul back to life. It was truly intoxicating, believe me. If we stayed a bit longer then I might have been completely submerged of the feelings I have for him. A few months ago, I would’ve have let myself drown in his kiss but now I can’t.

I pulled my lips away from his and gently pushed him away from me. “I sorry but I can’t do this.”

He looked startled, “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to cross any line-”

“I-I’m tired.” I lowered my face so he couldn’t see how flustered I was.

“O-okay. I’ll walk you home.” His voice was dry. “Again, I’m sorry.”

Jinyoung and I took a taxi and I told the driver of my address. There was an eerie silence inside the car. The two of us were seated closely but it felt like there was a vast space between us. Jinyoung kept fidgeting and I can feel that he wanted to talk to me, but I avoided his presence by looking at the window and putting on my headphones. When we arrived at my apartment, I paid the driver and quickly got out of the car. Jinyoung quickly followed me on the front door. He stood closely at my side as I look for my keys inside my bag.

“Listen, about what happened earlier-” Jinyoung tried to start the conversion.

“Can we please not talk about it right now?” I said as I continued to search for my keys.

“Really I’m sorry-” He wasn’t able to finish what he was about to say when the door suddenly burst open.

“Honey, your back.” Brian came out and gave me a peck on my lips, not noticing Jinyoung who was just standing a few steps from me.

I was completely surprised of Brian’s sudden appearance. I didn’t expect him to be home in our apartment since he was on a business trip. He told me that he would return next week so I was stunned to see him.

“Who’s this?” He said in English once he finally noticed Jinyoung who was standing frozen beside me. He was just as surprised as I was to see Brian.

“H-he’s my friend, Jinyoung.” I managed to say. “He came from Korea to visit me here.”

“Oh, nice to meet you then.” Brian spoke in Korean and held out his hand for Jinyoung to shake. “It would be interesting to hear your childhood stories with my girlfriend.”

“Y-yeah.” Jinyoung forced a smile and shook Brian’s hand.

“T-this is Brian, by the way.” I cleared my throat. “My boyfriend.”

“I see.” Jinyoung nodded slowly.

“So are you going to stay here for the night?” Brian asked Jinyoung.

“No, I just accompanied her home. I have a hotel reservation.” Jinyoung replied.

“Then, accompany us for dinner.” Brian smiled at Jinyoung and wrapped his left arm around me. “I’ve prepared something and I think it can be enough for three.”

“Thank you for the offer but I think I would be going now. I’m quite tired you see.”

“That’s sad, but I understand.” Brian patted Jinyoung’s shoulder with his free hand. “Get some rest buddy.”

“Yeah…” Jinyoung rubbed his nose. “Good evening to the both of you.”

Brian and I watched Jinyoung walked away from our apartment. I felt terrible that I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole.

“I miss you so much.” Brian wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed the back of my hair. “Let’s go inside, honey. It’s getting cold.”

“Wait I forgot to tell Jinyoung something.” I hesitated for a moment but I broke away from Brian’s embrace to run to Jinyoung.

“Jinyoung…” I called as I caught up with him. He turned around and I was surprised about how sad his eyes were. “I-I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to apologize about. It was my mistake for coming here.” His voice was deep and melancholic. “I just realized that it was stupid of me to come here.”

“Do you remember the story of the little prince?” He asked all of the sudden.

“Yes…”

“You said before that the little prince has a rose he loved so much but left to look for something of greater importance in the universe. Well, I thought that I don’t want to make the same mistake as him, so I came here thinking that you were my rose.” He said as he raised his head to the sky.

I never thought that he would remember that story. Suddenly, tears started to fill my eyes.

“I was wrong, wasn’t I?” He flashed his warm smile, the only one that had melted my frozen heart a countless times.

“Yes.” My voice was too soft, almost inaudible. “I’m guess I’m not your rose after all.”

“That’s right. You’re nothing but that distant sweet dream that I have to forget.” As those words came out from his lips, I felt a thousand knives pierce through me.

“Y-yes.” I can’t hold it any longer, the tears that were trapped in my eyes had finally flown.

“Please, don’t cry. You know how much I tried so hard to protect you, so I wouldn't see you cry.” Jinyoung turned his back to me. “I don't deserve those tears. From now on, please forget about me and I’ll forget about you. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Minari.”

I watched him walk away from me. I wanted to run after him to say I’m sorry, and that even after all these years he was still the only one I love. I wanted to beg him to pull me away from this forsaken place, and take me back to Seoul were we can spend the days happily together. But what right do I have to tell him that? Unlike him, I did not have the courage to challenge destiny. I thought that if I was meant not to see him again, then I should just accept the fact that we’re now worlds apart, and that I have to let him go.

I guess what I truly feared while I was waiting in the airport was not how much Jinyoung changed, but how much I have changed. I too wished that he did not come here. To be honest, I didn’t want him to see the lonely and worthless life I am living now. As I watch his silhouette disappear, I realized that everything I held dear in my heart was gone. That I should close that chapter in my life, and that I should start walking on the future that I have chosen, no matter how lonesome it would be without him.

____________________________
Author's note:

Hello everyone! First of all sorry for delivering another sad chapter. I wanted to write a light one since the last two chapters had sad endings. However, I was kept reminded of the thought that, even though we know what can make us happy, it takes time and courage to chase that happiness, so yeah XD

Btw, I think I'll have to update every sunday night from now on. My work is kind of demanding at the moment so I couldn't find any time to write on the weekdays. Also, I think I have more or less 3 chapters left for this story (I think ^^) so please do continue to support me and this story :D don't forget to leave a comment below. I really appreciate them :)