Jinyoung, March 2008

Time flies so fast as if everything comes in front of you like a flash of light, just like how the stoplight changes from green to red. It feels like I just started college yesterday, and now I’m on the fourth spring of my college life. A lot of things happened and I feel like I haven’t accomplished half of the things I have in my mind.

Anyways, the colourless winter has passed and the bright spring of March has finally come. I can already smell the sweet scent of blossoms that infuses through the winds as they gently blow by. As I rest on my bicycle seat, I look around the street and it is nice to see people being enthusiastic about the cherry blossoms.

Spring feels so nostalgic since it reminds me of Mina. It’s almost her birthday, and I could still remember how we would walk on our way back home from school, getting excited about cherry blossoms. We would celebrate at her house while eating Sukiyaki with her family. All those things are a distant memories now. Both of us are busy and we rarely talk. I’ve still stay in contact with her through email and sometimes I would call her, but it’s just hard to keep up with all the things that comes in with adulthood. Baseball training had become tougher and I believe her studying medicine could not be easy. I really wanted to see her again, and see how she have grown. But all I could do now is close my eyes and imagine walking with her under cherry blossom trees. I guess maybe someday, when time would allow.

As the stoplight changes back to green, I’ve stepped on my pedal but I stopped when I felt someone sat on the back seat of my bicycle.

“Hyung! Where are you going?” Yugyeom who was my junior in the baseball team said.

“Get out. I need to go somewhere.” I glared at him.

“I’m bored and I don’t want to go home yet.” He wrapped his hand around my waist.

“Aish! You little punk!” I just couldn’t do anything about Yugyeom. He is stubborn as a bull. The more you push him away, the more that he will annoy you. So I just pedalled hard, coping up with Yugyeom’s weight, to the record store.

Once we have arrived at the record store, I immediately went for the KPOP section.

“What are you buying?” Yugyeom asked.

“Big Bang’s album.” I replied. “My best friend’s birthday is coming and I’m planning to send her one. I know she’ll like it.”

I looked around the store and saw that there was only one copy of the album left, so I immediately ran towards its direction. As I lay my hands on the album I noticed another one grabbing it on the other side.

“Oh, sorry. You’re also buying this.” The girl holding the album said.

“Yeah.” I replied, not letting go of the album.

“Omo, there’s only one copy left.” She looked at the stand.

“I know, so do let go.” I looked carefully at the girl in front of me and she looked awfully familiar.

“H-hyung, take it easy.” Yugyeom looked worried that a fight might start between the girl and me. “Miss, can you just give this album to my hyung. He’s a huge Big Bang fan.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.” The girl smiled at Yugyeom. “My sister is also a fan and she’s sick right now. She promised that she’ll get better if I get her this.” She spoke in a smooth voice while pulling the album closer to her.

“Hyung, I think it’s better if you would just let this one slide. I mean there might be more albums in other record stores.” Yugyeom whispered on my ear.

“Sorry to hear that, but I need this more.” I said ignoring him. I held the album tighter, pulling it closer back at me.

“For what reason?” She raised an eyebrow, again pulling towards her.

I gave it a thought, “For friendship… and setting one’s soul free through lively and quality music.”

“People are getting hungry these days and you still think of lame excuses.” The girl suddenly pulled aggressively.

“You too! Don’t be delusional.” I pulled with all my strength that the girl can’t hold on the album anymore. Right, I won.  “Your sister won’t get better by just getting this album.”

“You’re an ugly human being!” The girl unexpectedly kicked me on my knee before heading out of the store.

“Ow!!! What’s wrong with that girl?” Seriously, she was stronger than she looks that I fell on the floor holding my knee. “Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know, maybe you’re just ugly.” Yugyeom chuckled and I pulled his right foot making him lose balance and fall down the floor.

The next day, I tried to wake up early so I can go to the post office and send Mina her birthday gift so she can received it on time but I failed. I was too tired from practice. So I just did my normal routine and went to the University for my class. When I arrived, I sat down to my seat and took my notebook out of my bag. The professor came in and started lecturing. A few minutes have passed when a student suddenly came bursting through the door.

“Sorry for being late.” The girl apologized to our teacher and went to her seat.

I was dumbfounded. It was the girl from the record store. That’s why she looked familiar, we were in the same class! To be honest, I do not recognize half the people in my class since I always sit in front and I’m often absent due to baseball practice. I think the girl must have noticed that I was staring at her because she looked back at me. I avoided her gaze and turned my attention to our professor.

“Okay so I have a special reading for you. I’ll group you into two to work on a paper for that reading.” Our professor said. He started pairing up the class by calling our names one by one.

“Park Jinyoung.” He called on my name and I raised my hand. “Okay you’ll be working with, Kim Jisoo.”

“Yes sir.” The girl from the record store raised her hand too and then looked at me. All I could do was slam my head down my table.

After class, I approached the girl to talk to her about our assignment. “Umm, Jisoo right?”

“Get that wrong and I’ll smack you.” She said without taking her eyes off of the readings our professor left.

“I was thinking of doing an all-nighters with the paper. I will be very busy with baseball practice for the coming days, so I think it would be best for us to do it tonight.”

“I hate freeloaders.” Jisoo finally looked at me. “I have somewhere to go but I think we can work on the paper there.”

Jisoo and I later left the university together. It was really awkward because I was still traumatized by what she did to me yesterday that I kept my distance. I thought that we were going to work in the library or at a café but I was surprised that Jisoo brought me to the hospital.

“My parents are out working overtime so I need to look for out for my sister tonight.” She explained to me as we enter her sister’s hospital room. Her sister was really thin and frail but she looked happy from reading a book. Jisoo introduced me to her sister and asked if we could work on our paper inside her room. Her sister seemed delighted of our presence and said that it was okay for us to stay. I kind of felt guilty. I realized that she wasn’t lying yesterday when she said her sister was sick.

I looked into my bag and took out Big Bang’s album. “I heard you were a big fan of them. I hope this will cheer you up.” I handed her the album.

She was surprised by the gift. “Jinyoung-oppa, Thank you so much!”

“Listen to it and get better.” I smiled at her and patted her head.

“I thought you needed it for friendship and setting one’s soul free.” Jisoo said to me once we had sat down on the table to start on the paper.

“My friend would understand.” I replied looking at her sister who was delighted of my gift. “Besides, they will have to restock the album soon.”

“Thank you for doing that. My younger sister is going through a lot but she’s doing her best to be cheerful and to get better.” She said to me. “You know what? I take it back. You’re not an ugly human being. You’re actually kinda cool and handsome.”

I involuntarily smiled at her remark, “Just don’t look too much. You might fall for me.”

Mina, April 2008

When they say that college is hell on earth, I guess they weren’t kidding. I know that medical school will be tough but I never expect that it will drive me close to insanity. Lately, I’ve been flooded with exams and three hundred pages of reading assignment, not to mention the amount of laboratory reports that I have to submit this week. I haven’t had a good sleep in the past few days and coffee is the only reason why I am living.

“This is torture!” Tzuyu, my college best friend, said as she reads on the three hundred pages assignment. The two of us decided to study in a café just outside the vicinity of the campus. “What kind of person is on their right mind to give this kind of assignment and have a long quiz the following day?”

“The kind of people that are trying to kill you.” I smiled at her before taking a sip my coffee.

Tzuyu laid her head back and looked up at the ceiling, “Thinking that we still have six more years to go, makes me realize that I have a higher chances of dying than graduating.”

“I don’t know about you but I’m not betting on any chances.” I started to put my things inside my bag. “I’m done studying for today. I need to rest now. I still have a 7am class.”

“Totally disgusting.” She waved at me to leave ahead. “I might stay here for another hour and go through with the mental torture.”

"Happy studying, Tzuyoda." I bid Tzuyu farewell and started walking back to my apartment. It was just a 15 minute walk away from campus. It was a moonless night but the road was well lighten by the streetlights, that it felt magical. I’ve already been living here for the last four years but Massachusetts never seizes to amaze me. College might be hell but the little moments I spend here, especially with my friends, were iridescent.

As I continued to walk by the streets, little raindrops suddenly dropped down from the sky. I looked inside my bag and realized that I left my umbrella in the café with Tzuyu. It wasn’t long enough before the little drizzle turned to rain. I looked around for shelter but there wasn’t any around, so I ran under the nearest tree.

Even though this rainfall mayhem is a serious pain in the , I can’t help but smile for a moment. Suddenly, I remembered Jinyoung. When we were in our fifth grade, the both of us came home late because of practice from a school presentation. Back then, it also rained so hard and since we didn’t have any umbrella, we decided to play around the rain. When we arrived at our house, my father was so angry that he scolded us. I also cried that night because my dad reprimanded me from seeing Jinyoung as a punishment. Both of us got sick though and weren’t able to go to school, so we didn’t get to see each other anyways. Jinyoung was the one who got better first, so he visited me in my house despite my dad’s warning. He brought me some apples and their homemade barbeque that I love so much.

I find it amazing how I often associate things that happens in my life to Jinyoung, even the smallest ones. I haven’t seen him for almost four years and I often wonder how he is doing. When we were in our first year of college we would often chat and sometimes called each other, but it has been difficult since we’re often preoccupied now.

I stretched out my hand trying to catch some raindrops when I noticed a man walking towards my direction. I can’t see his face right away because it was covered by the shadow created by the streetlight behind him. He walked closer to me until I was covered under his umbrella.

“What are you doing? You can’t afford to catch a cold when your exams are drawing near.” It was Brian.

“I left my umbrella. How did you know where I was? What are you doing at this time?” I asked him.

“I’m your guardian angel. My duty is to be by your side.” He wiped the rain drops from my cheeks with his handkerchief.

“Don’t fool around-”

“I was also in the café. I waited for you.” He cut me out before I can say anything further.

“All this time? You should have called me.”

“I don’t want to disturb you and Tzuyu. Besides, it was a pleasure to watch you from far away.” He smiled at me and then held my hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

Brian and I walked with our hands intertwined under his umbrella. The rain started to stop but the cool April breeze made me shiver. Brian must have noticed because he put my hand which he was holding inside his coat pocket to keep it warm. Finally, we arrived at my apartment. I thanked him and bid him good night.

“Good night, Mina.” He took a step closer to me and kissed me on the forehead. “Dry up and have a good night’s sleep. I love you.”

I lowered my head since I can’t help but feel embarrassed by his display of affection. “I’ll go in now. Thank you for everything. Good night.” I smiled at him before going in and closing the door.

Once I got inside, I quickly took a warm bath. After drying my hair I laid on my bed and looked at my phone. It was 3:22 in the morning. I felt tired but for some reason, I couldn’t sleep. I thought about what Brian said and I couldn’t help but blush. For the last four years, he was the one that took care of me while I’m in the university. Because of him, it became easier for me to adjust in my new environment and make friends. He had confessed his feelings for me several times now and he was not shy about showing his feelings to me, but I still can’t help but feel embarrassed about it since it was the first time a boy has said that loves me.

Since I couldn’t sleep, I thought about calling Tzuyu. I look through my contacts and suddenly stumbled upon Jinyoung’s number. I don’t know if it was still his number and I’m not sure what came inside my mind but I called it. I let it ring for a few times but after multiple tries, I realized that he might be too busy or it may not be his number anymore.

I was about to drop down the call when a voice answered, “Hello? Who’s this?”

I changed my number and forgot to inform him. “It’s me, Mina. H-how are you?” I’m stunned that I’m hearing his voice again.

“Minari! Whoa, it’s been almost a year since we last talked on the phone.” He sounded out of breath. “I’m on a break from practice. What time is it there?”

“Three in the morning.” I replied.

“Ooh! The time difference. It really is amazing, huh?” He said over the phone. “It’s four in the afternoon here. By the way, did you get my gift?”

“Yeah, I liked the album.” I looked at the Big Bang album he sent me. I loved it so much that I had played it on repeat.

“Sorry it came in late. I was supposed to have it delivered earlier but something happened, so I had to buy another one.” He paused for a moment. “I hope you’re doing okay, I really miss you.”

When I heard those words come out over the phone, I can’t help but get all teary eyed. To be honest, I often wonder if Jinyoung miss me as much as I miss him. That, does he think about me as much as I think about him? Time is flowing in front of us. I feared that in his mind, I am just someone who is a part of the past and thus, got lost in that flow of time.

“Me too.” My voice was shaking. I was trying so hard not to cry. “I wish I could see you again.

“I often wonder what you look like now. I bet you’re still beautiful like before.”

A smile formed from my lips. I thought for a moment for something to say, something I wanted him to know. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”

“What is it?” He waited over the phone.

“I believe that in the years that passed by between us, a lot has changed. I guess, I just want you to know that no matter where I am or time I’m in, or who I’m with, I’ll always lo-”

I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to say when I heard a voice over the phone saying “Hyung! We need to get back to the field!”

“Okay! Wait a second.” Jinyoung shouted at the voice. “Sorry but I need to go back now. I promise I’ll think of something just so I could see you again.” He held on a few seconds more. “I miss you. Take care always.” He hung up.

I looked at my phone for a moment and whispered, “I’ll always love you.”

I took a deep breath and put my arms over my head. I can’t believe that after all these years, I’m still in love with the same boy. I’m surrounded by so many people who loves me but I still often find myself looking for him. The longing inside my heart has become too painful that I drown myself with school works in order to forget. Maybe it’s because even after all these years, I still haven’t been able to say my true feelings to him.

But I guess, it’s time for me to let go now. I often told myself that what I felt was worthless and that we are now so far apart from each other. I said to myself several times to move on and forget about him. But the picture of Jinyoung I have in my mind and heart was so compelling that when I tried to burn it, it just became more encrypted in my memories.

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Author's note:

Chapter 4 is up! Thank you all for reading. Please don't forget to leave a comment. I highly appreciate it ^^