Suzy stayed in her room when it was over. The rain dribbled against the window pane. She wanted to ignore everything, ignore the world. But it had been raining for the past week, and the clouds blocked any of the moonlight. She could not cry any longer, she had shed all of her tears.

    There was untouched food in her room, but she could barely eat when her heart was so empty. Her body wanted to move, to eat, to drink and sleep, but her heart could do nothing--and prevented her from doing anything either.

    A soft knock on the door roused her.

When she did not answer, the door creaked open. She glanced at Hongbin, and something inside her sparkled, like a lonely flame coming to life in a cold blizzard. She stood from her chair, her soul bursting with longing. It had been so many years since she broke up with him, and he had returned to Korea for…

    No, she will not think of that incident.

Hongbin fixed his black coat. “I’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

    Something in tightened.

Don’t let him leave, dammit! You can’t lose him again!

    “But...the orphanage…” she croaked. Was her voice always that squeaky?

He looked like he had not slept in days. Eyes bruised with sleeplessness, and cheeks gaunt from no food. His hair was curly again, and badly needed a fresh cut.

    “Jongin will handle it,” he reassured her. “I...I’ve made a promise to Myungsoo.”

Suzy’s fists coiled beside her. For a moment, she was possessed with anger, but then she turned to face the window. It was always a relief to escape from a conversation, by glaring out the window. She noticed Hongbin’s reflection--and the longing stirred her once again, to be back in his arms and smell the scent of his cologne.

    “Then go, Hongbin. I couldn’t ever hold you back, and you know that.”

“Could we...ever go back to the way things were?”

    She paused. She never thought he would bring that up. Suzy shivered, hugging herself. Tears blurred her vision. She inhaled a sob before rushing to embrace him. She cried into his shoulder, like how she did when she first woke in the hospital.

    “Oh Bean, can’t you just forget me, please?”

He felt like stone in her arms. “Forget? Are you...are you serious?”

    “Just forget me. We’ll stay in touch, but forget me. I’ll only ever hold you back.”

She heard him sigh. Tiredly. “If that’s what you want, Suzy.” Then he beamed at her, a reminiscence of the past, dimples and all. “I’ll stay in touch over email, okay? You’ll stay in touch too, won’t you?”

    She knew that was his way of keeping her in track. It was a way for her to forget all that they’ve lost. And she was grateful for that. He had been too good for her anyways.  “Of course.”

No! Don’t go! Don’t let him leave you like the moon!

From Hongbin to Suzy (October 11th 20--) 03:05AM:

“Dear Suzy. I’ve arrived back in Boston, but my bags are packed. In a few days I’ll be heading to Mexico, and hoping to see the pyramids there. How’s everything with you? Jongin said he’s finally asked Sunyoung out. Time is flying isn’t it? And I’ll be turning thirty soon! Isn’t that crazy?

Waiting to hear back from you,

Forever yours, Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (October 15th 20--) 14:14pm:

“Dear Suzy, I’m typing from Mexico as of now. It’s been a wild few days, and it’s much colder than I anticipated. The people are quite friendly, but friends have warned me not to venture too far from the outskirts. Doesn’t matter, I’ve been here before, but I’m hoping to travel all the way down to the city and enter South America from there. I have a few things on my list: Machu Pichu in Peru and a jaguar in Brazil.

I’ve met a really pretty girl. Her name’s Katarina--but don’t think she’ll ever replace you.

I hope everything’s well with you. Missing Matron a lot.

Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (October 18th 20--) 18:45pm:

“Dear Suzy,

Had a little mishap on the way. My stupid knee busted again and I’m currently waiting to get an x-ray completed in the hospital. I haven’t heard back from you, and you promised to write me letters, didn’t you? In any case, I understand if you’re still mourning. But I miss you so badly at the same time.

Missing you,

Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (October 19th 20--) 13:34pm:

“Dear Suzy,

Guess who’s well and ready to take the road again? I’m lucky that it’s just a sprain. The docs told me not to overdo it, so I’ll be extra vigilant and take a flight to Peru instead. It pisses me off because I wanted to travel but I don’t want to have that knee scare again. Jongin told me he’s almost sorted out the paperwork for the orphanage. I’ve invested some money, but if you guys run into any trouble, let me know, okay?

Hope you’re getting on well,

Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (October 25th 20--) 15:23pm:

“Hi Suzy,

Just attaching my latest pictures here. I want you to be the first to see Machu Pichu before my blog followers. :)

Hongbin.”

From Suzy to Hongbin (November 1st 20--) 05:13am:

“Hongbin, sorry I haven’t replied. You’re right, it’s hard for me here. I’m surrounded by so many people but I still can’t understand why I feel so alone. Your pictures look great. I got a bit of scare when you mentioned your knee, but glad to hear that it’s all sorted. Try to stay out of trouble, okay?

Love, Suzy.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (November 2nd 20--) 09:45am:

“Hi Suzy, no don’t worry about it at all. Did you try talking to anyone about it? I know you wouldn’t like me saying this but Naeun is the best person to talk to right now. I believe she’s trying like you, to move on, I mean. Please don’t lock yourself up in the house. You deserve happiness too. I know you can get through this.

Isn’t that what you wanted me to do when I almost lost the ability to walk? I’m always here if you need help, Suzy. Please catch me anytime.

Always your best friend,

Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (November 10th 20--) 09:13am:

“Hey, just thinking of you again. Is there a morning where I can’t? You’re the last person I think about when I head to bed (which is often in a withered old tent in the middle of nowhere or a smelly inn somewhere in the unknown), and the first that I think of when I wake up in the morning.

Sorry if that sounds super cheesy. :)

Missing you, Hongbin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (November 20th 20--) 14:16pm:

“Just attaching more pictures here for you to see. Peru’s amazing isn’t it? Right, onto Venezuela!

Suzy, I’ve also been feeling lonely, but I think the adrenaline of travel is keeping me going. But trust me, it’s very lonely.”

From Suzy to Hongbin (November 27th 20--) 11:56pm:

“Hey Hongbin, sorry I haven’t been in touch for so long. It’s hard to explain. I’m not doing anything but I feel like I am, at the same time. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? Sometimes I feel like the world is just caving in, like it’s all my fault that I’ve lost my best friend. The pictures look amazing as always.

Hongbin you’ve a promise to fulfill, and I don’t want to be the one to stop you. Please keep exploring. For me.

Suzy.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (November 28th 20--) 17:43pm:

“Suzy, did you try talking to anyone about it? You’re getting me all worried. I’ve told Jongin, sorry had to do that. I’ll be happy to hear if he and Sunyoung check up on you.

I know I’ve always been a wedge between you and Myungsoo. But could you just know that you mean a lot to me? You’re the only person I know next to Jongin, who cherished Myungsoo from the past. We watched him grow, and he did us.

You can do this, Suzy. Always believing in you,

Hongbin.”

From Suzy to Hongbin (December 1st 20--) 03:00am:

“Hey, you were never a wedge. Don’t ever say that. I don’t regret my decisions--well not all of them anyways. And you were never a regret. I just need to deal with this on my own, Hongbin. I need time to think. Thanks for sending Jongin.”

From Hongbin to Suzy (December 2nd 20--) 10:36am:

“It’s freezing right now, but I have to reply to you. I just want to say that I’m glad I’m not a mistake in your life, because you certainly aren’t in mine. I know our relationship never bloomed too deeply. I wanted to keep you for marriage--but is it too selfish (and cheesy) of me to say that I hope to be at that stage one day?”

From Suzy to Hongbin (December 3rd 20--) 06:24am:

“Oh stop it, you fool! You should be out there having fun with all those beautiful women of the