It was in the odd hours of the night when Hyesung saw a small notification pop up at the corner of his computer screen, he was working in some designs and wasn’t aware he was still logged in the website he used to meet people online and learn more about their culture and language, it was something he really enjoyed to do when he had some free time. He immediately noticed the other person was located in the other end of the world but there wasn’t a picture attached to his profile, making him interested to know why the stranger messaged him. After a few seconds he politely greeted the stranger that was probably waiting for his response. Ready to get back to work after sending his reply he could only blink a couple of times when the quick reply of the stranger came to him.

Hello, I’m Dongwan from Canada. I just signed in here and so far I’ve messaged a bunch of people but none of them had replied back :( well, you just did. Ask anything you want, I swear I’m a good person, I just want meet new people to chat when I have nothing to do.

Hyesung let out a tired chuckle at the last part of this person's message, supposedly called Dongwan. Taking a glance at the time, he pursed his lips for a moment, he knew he should be sleeping already, he had a busy day ahead but five more minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?

Hello there… Maybe you should try to attach a picture of yourself to your profile. People might think you’re a creepy old man, perhaps?

Also your name is Korean… Why?

He felt slight curiosity at the man’s name, he's never met any Koreans in the website, not because none of them sent a message but because he simply wasn’t interested. But this was different, Dongwan wasn’t living here and he used English and that was kind of unusual. Another message notification from Dongwan poped up in Hyesung’s screen after a couple of minutes.

Ha, yeah. I was thinking about that, maybe when I log in with my phone I’ll do that but I swear I’m a good person!!!

Yes, my father is from there… You’re Korean too, right? Well that’s a dumb question...

Your name is Hyesung and it says you’re living there… You don’t have to answer that, friend.

I gotta go now, you know, it’s still daytime in this part of the world. So talk to you soon? Don’t block me, okay???

Hyesung squinted his eyes as the brightness of the screen that was already making his vision cloudy and he knew it was time to rest, pressing his fingertips against his temple he looked through Dongwan’s reply, he shook his head as another small chuckle emerged from his lips. This man seemed to be a cheerful person and he wasn’t sure if he could cope with his new friend's personality.

Sure. I was about to go too sleep anyway. Talk to you soon, Dongwan.

A few days passed when Dongwan appeared again, letting him know he already updated his profile with his picture and that a lot of people started to message him after that. Hyesung was surprised when he saw Dongwan’s picture, he looked a bit older than he thought and he was using a white coat. He couldn’t help but feel curious again, asking the man if he was perhaps a doctor. And that simple question leaded to a long conversation between the two young men.

Weeks passed and Hyesung knew more things about Dongwan now, but there was something about him that he still couldn’t decode, and it had to do with Dongwan’s way of being. Yes, he was cheerful and extremely talkative but sometimes he could sense sorrow, maybe? In his words to the point the talkative side of him was gone to be replaced with a cold person, though he didn't see that side of him quite often. But he couldn’t really tell if he just was having a hard time with college, because he was in fact studying to be a doctor. Hyesung has always been bad with other’s feelings, he lacked empathy and most of the time he wasn’t even sure about his own feelings, that’s why he was never involved in anything romantic and to be honest, he thought about romance as a waste of time. But things can change, can’t they?

After two months and a half Dongwan confessed his feelings towards him, he sent a long, like really long, message explaining everything and how maybe Hyesung thought this was crazy. They weren’t teens anymore and the idea of a long distanced relationship was insane but if Hyesung felt the same way as him maybe it could work. Hyesung hesitated for a while, yeah, the man was handsome and interesting and everything a person wants in a partner, and he wasn’t gonna lie, whenever Dongwan sent a message he felt this tingly feeling in the pit of his stomach. Hyesung knew he was terrible with his emotions and that he had hurt people in the past but it was a long distanced relationship they were talking about and it sounded thrilling to him somehow. Who knows if Dongwan ended up being the love of his life?

Dongwan always asked him why he was so shy and he would always give the same answer

“I’m not shy Dongwan, I’m just reserved.”

But Dongwan never believed him, he was convinced Hyesung was just too shy to express his love for him as the way did. It didn’t bother Dongwan anyway but Hyesung tried to be more lovely at expressing his feelings though he at it so he used the safest way, an emoji of what he wanted to express.

There was a thing Hyesung was really good at and it was the morning and bed time texts, he was always on time and he could tell Dongwan really loved those. It felt nice to finally have someone’s unconditional support and it was almost a year since they’ve been together but he still wasn’t feeling the passionate flame of love burning inside of him. Yet he was attached to the man in some sort of twisted way, unaware he could end up hurting both of them or more like hurting Dongwan if things ended eventually.

When the first year of being a couple was there Dongwan finally confessed he had an anxiety dissorder, that was what Hyesung couldn’t decode at the beginning he thought. He told Dongwan it was okay, that he didn’t mind it at all, however he knew his apathetic self didn’t mean any of those words and he hoped every night he could grow emotionally because the other man was special, he really was and he didn’t want to be the one who destroyed that light. He really wanted to love Dongwan.

He let things follow its course, some days he woke up feeling like he was madly in love with the man that chose the most embarrassing pet names for him but as the hours passed by the love slowly died like a cheap battery life and he could tell Dongwan was more and more into him. Hyesung was glad he got busier with college, he could focus his mind into something else that wasn’t Dongwan’s feelings and his own wrecked feelings, if he had any... Dongwan started to noticed the distance Hyesung was putting between them and he asked if there was something wrong and if he did something to make Hyesung be like that towards him and he despise himself for making the other man feel like he was the reason he was a piece of .

There’s nothing wrong with you, Dongwan. It’s me. I’m at fault. I’m very sorry, it’s just college… It’s hectic, you know that.

I love you. Okay?

Hyesung had no idea how many times he had given the same excuse to Dongwan, but he was trying so hard to make their relationship work and it made Hyesung feel so guilty because at this point he was already aware that the feeling of love he was waiting to feel all this time for the other man would never come. He endured a few more months in that relationship that meant nothing to him but the whole world to Dongwan. He waited only because Dongwan had told him he was in therapy, treating his anxiety so it’d no longer be a burden between them but Hyesung was near his breaking point, he was barely sleeping and eating lately and it was all because his conscience was killing him.

Yet Hyesung decided to give this a last chance, he was never in love and he didn’t know how love felt like, maybe this was his own way of loving someone? And it was when he met a girl at college that shared the same interests with him and he had this twisted idea in his mind to try to get to know this girl better… If he felt he was betraying Dongwan, it was love but if he didn’t then he would end things for good with him.

Hyesung took the girl out a couple of times and there wasn’t a single hint of guiltiness inside of him for doing that behind Dongwan’s back. He started to get more and more distant, sometimes only texting him twice a day. Maybe Dongwan could get tired and hate him, perhaps if he made the man hate him he’d get over this without much trouble. He was so starstruck with the girl he met he didn’t care about anything at all. He kept giving Dongwan excuses so carelessly that a part deep inside of him was yelling this was so wrong, very wrong but he just shrugged it off until one day he simply decided to cut any way of communication with Dongwan. The man would hate him and get over it faster, yeah he will be hurt, but there’s no way he can prevent that anyway.

Days passed and Dongwan was still sending a bunch of texts, Hyesung’s mind was playing against him a game he didn’t want to play anymore, every night with his own thoughts making him company, feeling trapped inside his dark room only lightened up by the reflection of his computer screen he felt like breaking up, a part of him wanted to stay and he wondered if he was sick in the head.

Suddenly a day Dongwan’s messages stopped to come in, he thought that maybe he already got over him and that he was doing better off without him. A painful smile made its way to his face, guilt smeared across his lips. He’s gonna be okay, Dongwan will be okay.

It took Hyesung days to realize he needed to seek for help, the girl he met made him realize that when one night he poured his soul to her when he had too many shots of some bitter liquor he found in his parent’s bar, he was torn between feeling thankful and also like the biggest fool when she told him she only accepted his invitations to make her boyfriend jealous and that after that night it’d be better if he didn’t text her again.

Good luck if you decide to text him again to apologize, Hyesung.

Don't waste too much time.

Hyesung was doing better, a couple of sessions and he already started to understand how his feelings worked and how ed up he's always been. He would cry in each session when the thoughts of what he did to Dongwan hit him. He knew he had to sort more things out before he tried to talk to him again and apologize a billion times if necessary but he wasn’t ready-yet. The right time will come, he said that to himself that before going to sleep.

After a while he decided to check his account on the website he met Dongwan, he wanted to see if the man had been online lately while every possible sentence he could use in his apology crossed his mind but to his misfortune the man hasn’t been online for more than a month, no trace of him anywhere whatsoever. He had to use his email to deliver him his apology and explain everything to him because the website seemed not to be an option anymore. Hyesung wanted to talk with his therapist about the letter, he didn’t want to up the only chance he had to apologize for using someone the way he did.

He never loved Dongwan, he only loved the idea of having someone that had him as his priority for once. He’s aware that maybe Dongwan would never forgive him but he just wanted to come clean and release the guilt that was consuming his entire soul. Leaning over to rest his arms over his knees after his work was done, he put his head down while he let out a deep sigh as an I'm really sorry escaped along with it...

It was very early and Hyesung was glad he had the day off because he’s been sitting in front of his computer for the whole night trying to write a letter which is addressed to Dongwan. He lost count of how many times he had written every letter just to delete it a few seconds later, he just wanted to choose the right words not to make things worse than they already are. He rubbed his swollen eyes furiously, grabbing his cup of coffee to take a long sip from it when he heard the doorbell ring…

With his cheeks soaked in his own tears and a sob that echoed in his bedroom, Hyesung finally felt the pain Dongwan once kept for himself.

a/n: Bigger than us by white lies inspired this mess and also someone wanted to read hyesung's pov so I couldn't say no.