Hello, this is Kim Dongwan and you’re gonna witness my bittersweet love story.

Long distanced relationships? Nobody got time for that, or that’s what I thought until I met Hyesung in the odds of the internet and we clicked instantly as if it was some sort of cupid's trick. We immediately became a pair, asking anything about each other as if we were running out of time.

Hyesung was 18, off of high school and starting college while I was already in my third year of college at the age of 20, being two years older than him was enjoyable to me, I always wanted to protect someone and there he was – a shy, loveable young kitty. Yeah, kitty. That was my pet name for him, nothing wrong with that, right?

He was the busiest person on earth but we managed to talk often, not to mention our timezones, he was still in Korea while I was in Canada and boy, it was a mess but when I could I used to stay awake until dawn to catch up on everything I missed due to his schedule. 
I used to sleep text a lot, I’d send an embarrassing 

“ilurvyu” 

And he would reply with a blushing emoji saying I should stop hanging out with aliens and that he loved me too.

It took me hella time to make a video call with me, he really was that shy but I didn’t mind it at all, that was one of the traits I like the best of him. 

There are some things I regret though, I’m a cold person, hard to open up to people and sometimes I was cold to him without wanting to but it just came out because that’s how I was but after some time I became a sweet person I didn’t know I ever could be, he brought that person out and I surprisingly liked it. 

He used to calm me down when my anxiety came at late hours of the night, just with a single “I’m not feeling well” he immediately send long paragraphs of sweet things along with a voice note of him humming a soft lullaby to calm my agitated heartbeat and I ing loved that, his voice was sweet as honey, he ended was an angel among us.

He didn’t mind that I had anxiety and depression symptoms at all, my mood swings didn’t matter to him and the love he felt for me and that made me fall even more for him. I was a popular guy but none of my “friends” really knew what was going on inside of me, they’d only hang out with me for being the funny, good looking Asian guy and that’s it.

A whole year passed and our relationship continued growing, my love for him continued growing and my hopes of finally having someone with me for so many years more too. Still there was no chance of meeting, he was jobless and I had too many things to care of but still it didn’t matter, we created a bond so beautiful that we already felt we were sharing the same room.

Things keep their course as time went by, the same routine, the pictures with the ridiculous filters, the goodnight and good morning messages with a sleepy photo attached to it. Everything was so magical until our second year together. 

Everything started to change slowly and along with that my anxiety, the universe decided it was okay to make me struggle with two things at once but I tried to keep the same positive vibe but it wasn’t enough, the thoughts that came with the depression symptoms got worsed and when I sent my call for help there were no longer long paragraphs of sweet things or voice notes to soothe me down, I had to face it alone. 

Conversations started to get shorter and I wondered if it was my fault, was he getting bored of me and my issues or was he just simply busy because of internships and events his college organized? He said it was that, that he was busy and he barely had time for himself and I understood though it hurt me deeply.

The morning messages started to come late or they didn’t come at all.

“Good morning, have a nice day I love you” was all I got and another one would come hours later.
“I hope you had a good day” and that was it.

You don’t have an idea of how my heart shrunk when an “I love you” wasn’t attached in those messages.

And yeah, you guessed right. It got worse than that.

We never spent more than a few hours without talking but eventually these hours became a day or two and I kept blaming myself for that.

Two years and one month, things got worse. Read messages without an answer but there he was, online and doing what he always did on the internet. I started to panic. His friends were no help at all so I didn’t bother to text them again and I just kept waiting patiently for him because I believed he was just busy. I wished my anxiety and now diagnosed depression would be busy too, but they weren’t. I didn’t tell him about that, why cause him another thing to worry about, right?

One of those endless nights I couldn’t take it anymore, after a lot of messages sent without reply I decided to be honest and tell him about my depression, about my thoughts of giving up, I wished he would take a time to read it and give me a call.

After almost an endless message I sent it but to my surprise it was never delivered. 

Was he out of reach, is his phone off or did he block me?

I felt my chest tighten, my heartbeat slowed down for a few seconds before it started to beat violently and my hands followed its rhythm.

Please just be out of reach.

What do I do now? The thoughts of giving up were there more than ever. I often had to open our old conversations and reread them a million of times to stop me from any harm.

I didn’t have any distraction to keep my mind busy, to keep my thoughts muted for a while.

Hours passed, a day passed, and still, the message was never delivered.

Tears rolled down my cheeks staining my phone screen as the thunderstorms outside filled the quiet night with the sounds of the raindrops against my window.

I couldn’t believe this was happening, why like this and why now that I was dealing with my inner demons.

And what I feared the most happened, when I finally was having a calm night along with those superficial friends life gifted me with, I noticed he was gone of every social media we had each other on, my body frozen for a couple of minutes until someone woke me up from my trance. I simply put my phone away and swallowed the knot in my throat feign a smile to everyone because I was the funny, handsome Asian guy people liked after all.

After days of living in agony I decided to write him a letter, a proper letter with my messy handwriting and all that stuff. I was glad I had his address, once I bought this Naruto comic he wanted so much and then an album of his favourite band and sent them as a surprise but we already talked about the happy moments here... So, I sat down and spent hours thinking of the right words to use.

After it was finished I went to the local post and chose the regular mail, I wanted it to take some time to arrive, there was no hurry anymore.

I walked out the door, finding it difficult to swallow while blinking my eyes a couple of times to stop the tears that were forming in my eyes. And with that I took the longest way to get home.

–

The sound of the doorbell ringing was heard at the distance while I was writing, or trying to write, an email so I decided to take a break and check the door to see who it was at my front door at 7:30 am on a Friday. The postman greeted me with a smile when I opened the door.

“Shin Hyesung?” I nodded slightly and he handed me a small package and asked for my signature on the parcel.

I went back to my room curious to see what was inside the small box, once I sat on the bed I opened it just to find what looks like a letter, without wasting time I unfolded the paper and creased my eyebrows as I started to read.

Hello, it’s me. I really hope you’ll understand everything written here, I apologise for my messy handwriting. But yeah, it’s me. You’re probably wondering who’s “me” so please continue reading, it won’t take much of your time.

I’m guessing this is arriving one month later so it’s probably August already. The weather here is nice at this time of the year though I still prefer the white snow and the icy breeze, just by reading this you probably know who this is already haha

I’m really trying to find the right words but I keep babbling things out. :’(

By the time you’re reading this I won’t be here anymore, hopefully I get to become an angel to be finally by your side and take care of you anytime but if I get sent to hell it will be really unfortunate though I doubt it, I was a good person these past 23 years... See? I keep babbling.

I think I was too straightforward, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you sad, I just wanted you to know that I’m no longer here if you ever wanted to be in touch again. 

Why did you disappear like that? Was I too needy or did you fall for someone else? Or was it because we are both men? I went to sleep every night asking myself those questions or maybe more but if I write them down I’ll need more paper but you’re lazy to recycle so no. Ha.

Hyesung, I have major depression and it’s killing me slowly I tried to tell you but that particular message never got to you. And this ed me up, my anxiety made me weak and depression threw the final punch.

I really hope you’re doing alright and that you’re happy, I really wanted to know the reason behind your actions but I guess I’ll never know.

And I wanted to ask you just one thing... The 18th of every month please use social media to create awareness about suicide, a lot of people out there is struggling alone with no one to talk to and it ing ... Oh, why the 18th? It was the date of our monthsary.

Would you do that for me? Please? 

Please, don’t let me down this time.

Take care, I hope you find happiness in everything. I don’t know if you’re already in another relationship but if you are I hope that person loves and cherishes you every single second of the day.
I once made a promise that I’d be with you no matter what, well I am here right now in every single word of this letter. You are the best thing that happened to me and I’m so glad I met you, thank you for these two years.

Angel dongwannie will take care of you, kay?

I love you, always. Hyesung.

I was still trying to digest every word in this letter as I got up from my bed with my legs shaking, still holding the letter tightly in my hand that was shaking as the rest of my body, I dragged my feet towards my computer and slumped on the chair to look at the screen. 

Slowly scanning every word I wrote on the email I was writing since last night as tears were flooding out of my eyes, falling over the keyboard and the letter in my hand.

It was too late to send.

Kim Dongwan will never read it.