Did I sleep? No.

Can I sleep? No.

I don't think I could even breathe properly now that we're in the same house.

Last night was a mess.

After Taeyeon fell asleep, I just stared at her. I watched her sleep. I didn't know what to do.

Imagine wanting something for so long.

Imagine giving up because you always knew that you could never have it.

Finally, Imagine that something is suddenly in front of you.

At exactly 3 in the morning, I decided to wake her up to say that she could sleep in the bed.

With her sleepy and puffy eyes, she asked if I could sleep beside her and I simply shook my head.

Due to tiredness and exhaustion she collapsed without saying anything more.

I sat back on the couch and continued to watch her sleep.

There were so many things that I'd like to say

There were so many emotions that I'd want to show.

But all I did was nothing.

Nothing.

Isn't that what I'm supposed to be when it comes to Taeyeon?

Nothing.

She missed me though. She said it a while ago.

Is missing me enough for many years of pain?

She said sorry.

Is apologizing sufficient for all the moments she turned her back on me?

She begged for me.

How many times did I beg for her to stay or look at me?

Tired. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of being the slave of my emotions. I shut my eyes and as much as I want to take a rest in this damned world, I know I wouldn't be able to.

--

"Thank you for not kicking me out last night." Taeyeon suddenly said.

I thought she was still sleeping. I hid my surprised expression by looking at the cup of coffee in my hand. "Well... You know I'm sensitive about kicking someone out."

No. I didn't plan on having and angsty morning. I just want her to leave and stay at the same time.

"Sooyeon-ah.. Don't be like that." I heard her sigh. She carefully took the seat in front of me.

I stirred the content of my cup. "Exactly like what, Taeyeon?"

Another slip of the tongue.

Taeyeon did not respond but she stood and started looking at the cabinets and drawers. She even searched the fridge.

I followed her with my gaze and as she continued her search for god-knows-what. She gets more and more shocked and/or frustrated. I can't really tell to be honest.

"Are you even eating proper food?  Instant noodles? Coffee? Canned goods? Junk food? Even your fridge is just full of alcohol and water." She suddenly turned to me catching and holding my eyes. She looked pissed.

Taeyeon's pissed off face is something that I'm familiar with.

Why won't I be familiar with something I'm so used to see for the past years?

We looked at each other for a moment before her pissed off face softens and turned into something that I rarely see.

Concerned? Worried?

When was the last time the great Kim Taeyeon looked at me that way?

I looked away but I instantly regretted my decision because as soon as I did, I felt a pair of soft warm tiny hands on my own.

"Please take care of yourself. Sica-yah." she spoke in a very soft manner.

Every rational part of my brain told me not to look and face her.

The broken little pieces of my refuge screamed at me to move back or push her away.

But before I could do any of the things that made sense that moment, her hands found their way on my face.

"Look at me."  Taeyeon whispered before turning my face to look at her. 

She held my gaze and I, someone who's under a powerful spell couldn't look away.

"I almost forgot how beautiful you are this close." She spoke and my cheeks.

I'm still looking at her as she examined my face. "So breathtaking." She murmured.

I felt paralyzed.

There are a lot of things I'd like to say.

There are many things I'd like to do.

I can't do this now.

I can't be like this yet.

If I let down my defenses, this will just be another case of Taeyeon coming back after destroying me, then destroying me again as soon as I give her permission to do so.

I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath. "Taeyeon. Please leave."

An uncomfortable silence filled us for a few moments.

"You really want me to leave, don't you?" Taeyeon spoke in a sad tone.

Another sigh.

"Yes."

Taeyeon pressed her forehead on mine. Her thumbs brushing my cheeks. "I know."

With my shaking hands, I held her wrists. "...I need to think about a lot of things."

"I--yeah. I just want to know... Sooyeon-ah." Taeyeon paused. "Do you still love me?"

I held her wrists a bit tighter before letting it go.

Another but deeper sigh.

"This--won't be complicated if the answer to your question is no." I looked down.

"But if there's one thing I've learned from you; it's that...love is not always enough."

"You don't deserve this..." Taeyeon's hands started to tremble as she continued caressing my cheeks. She cleared and shakily spoke."But if there's one thing I have learned from you... it's that in the face of true love, you don't just give up." Taeyeon gently cupped my cheeks. "So I'm sorry, Jung Sooyeon...I'm not going to let you get away from me this time."  Taeyeon pressed her lips on my forehead. "I'll see you soon."

With that, Taeyeon went to the direction of the door and left.