JIN P.O.V.

This is what I question myself a lot for a quite of time. My thoughts are wandering around.

Existing or living.

Where could I get this answer? They say it's pretty different. They say »living« is way of life that you enjoy, you cherish every moments in your life, you're happy, you spend time with people that are the most important and people who you love. You live your life in full. But it's really that. How do you know that you do things you love? How could you prove that you're »living«? How could you prove that you feel alive?

On the other side »existing«. Nobody acutally think about this side. People like to think positive thoughts but still people are saying that they're » living«. But what if they're just »existing«? I would define that »existing« it's like being dead inside. You can't control your feelings right? It's not that you're extremly unhappy.

It's just like you don't have a dream. Why? Some people just don't have dream why we have to have dream? What if there's nothing you would like to do for all of your life? What if you don't have a hobby? That there's not a thing that you would like to do. What if you feel like you're untalented for everything?

People always expect others to have a dream. Why they must ask that? It's not their business.

By being dead inside I though like: you really don't feel nothing but all people have emotions, you don't have a thing that you like to do, you feel like you're just a human who has a blood and tears and breaths cold air. You feel like screaming inside and you just want someone to notice that you need to be saved. By being saved I didn't think psyhically but emotionaly. You can tell other people that you're fine but the truth it's quite different, you just want to be saved.

Who can save you? Maybe the person that loves you or maybe you just have to save yourself.

I don't know the answer to question: » how to save yourself?«. Maybe you'll just save yourself that you may even not know. I think death it's not a right solution how to save yourself because think about it. If you think that death will break you free from the fetter of this world, you're wrong. You will just die and till the end of world you will wander around with fetters of this world and screamed inside to be saved, maybe there noone will help you. It won't ease your mind.

Live your life like not any other lives. Even if you feel like you're just »existing« you may end »living«. Humans always search an answers to their deep thoughts but we may not find them ever. I'm not saying that you should leave questions aside just keep them there in deep memory and one day you'll maybe find an answers.

When you're born you already start to search an answers to your questions. The questions are not complicated, in fact they're really simple to an adult. You slowly start to grow up. At age of 4 or 5 you slowly start to remember things. You can see flashback when you're grown up. Then you become an teenager, you may start to rebel. When you're almost of age you start question about yourself. What is your identity? What kind of person am I? Do I really know myself? If I don't know myself, how can others know me? At that age you may question yourself about »existing« and »living«. They may be different but at the end they may have similarities. What is similar? Well they both »belong« to human. Then you become an adult you have to worry about living expences and family. In fact you're never alone, there's always someone who cares about you. At least you become and elder. You get wrinks. When you look in mirror you think back at days when you were young. You may regret your life decisions but you can't turn back time and correct your past mistakes.

So even if you're just »existing« don't think that all tears, blood and cold air are not worth. They're worth. Every person if worth of their life even if they think they're not worth.

I'm SeokJin and I think I'm »existing« but I still wait someone to save me till I'll finally be able to »live«.

When I was an teenager I start to »existing«. I had a family that loved me but still I felt like my soul was trapped inside of me. I screamed inside, I wanted to be saved. I didn't find solutions how to save myself so someone saved me.

Those who saved me were my friends: Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung and Jung Kook. I think they saved me. I slowly started to enjoy my youth. I cherished moments I spent with people that I loved. Don't get me wrong I loved my family too but with my friends I found my escape and with that I could break free from fetters. I was able to breathe, my heart felt at pace.

Last time I suggested that we can go on trip together. I didn't know what will happen after it, I didn't want to think about it. I just lived in moment, we all did. I took a camera with me. I wanted to take a picture and keep memory forever. I know I could just remember it and keep it in my mind but I wanted to have moment in picture.

At the sea we had fun, we really enjoyed. I just smiled when I saw all lovely couples. They were so sweet together.

Yoongi and Jung Kook... They were different, I didn't think with »different« in bad way. They were just like sun and moon. They were like an day and night. So different and yet together they completed. Like ying and yang. Jung Kook was so young, Yoongi was a bit older but I saw how Jung Kook makes Yoongi happy. Jung Kook was better half of Yoongi. I know Yoongi loved him with all of his heart.

Hoseok and Jimin... They were just a sweethearts. I know they had their problems but they helped each other. I could say they saved one and another. They found their escape together. They really liked to dance. That was their passion. I loved that they shared their passion and saved other half. Together they were perfect. Couple set from a heaven.

Namjoon and Taehyung... I know that they draw graffiti together. They always thought that graffiti is an art. I loved the way the looked at each other. Namjoon was finally able to confess to Taehyung at the beach. Unfortunatelly I saw them their faces of. It was really funny. They were finally able to admit feeling and just enjoy with each other.

Yeah..I didn't have a partner but I was not alone because of that. If you're alone that doesn't mean you're lonely. Like I said they've saved me and I'm thankful for that. They saved me emotionally. They always called me »mom« of the group. I don't want to deny. I really took a good care of them, I cooked them a lot of food. I also liked pink color so they called me »pink princess« I didn't like that nickname.

That day we watched sunset together. We smiled together. We remembered all the things we did together. We liked to party a lot or just hang out outside. It was a bit cold at that time but we light fire and just enjoy presence of each other. We were not alone when we were together. Loved to share our the most beautiful moments together.

We remembered that time when I got a drivers licence and I bought a car with an open trunk. I used to drive others in the back on an open trunk. Once I drove into tunnel and parked obliquely. Others jumped out of trunk and started to run between cars that they stoped. I blocked their way. I stayed in car, you never know when it's time to escape with others. They screamed and pour drink on car. Other car drivers honk to us. Then they started to run and I start an engine. They quickly jumped into car open trunk and I drove as fast as I could.

We spent really the most beautiful moments together.

I positioned my camera so it could caught all of us and car on frame. I set timer and joined in picture.

I still keep that polaroid photo of us. I put it into my car so I always have it with me. When we came back from the sea our lives changed.

»If I can turn back time, I want to become the best man in the world.« I want to be even better person. I would change a few things if I could turn back time.

I know what happened to the others. I wish I would know that before. If I would do something different in the past I would change their and my future.

»If I could turn back the time, I wish to return to that ocean on that summer day.« That day I had the most beautiful moment in my life. I felt my youth and other youth completed.

Now I'm still changing clothes from day by day. I want to turn back time. I want to go back before anything bad happened to them. I want to save them emotionally and psyhically. They saved me and I need to save them.

Maybe someday I'll find the way to turn back time except that time I won't let them to happen anything bad ...

Someday I'll turn back time and save you guys ...

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Author's Note

This was my last chapter. Did you enjoy the story? Thank you for reading.

See you soon...