Who is he?

This first wonder occurs at my door step.

He stands somewhat tall, slick brown hair covering his head, a black t-shirt along with tattered jeans covering his body. It doesn’t require for me to see him closer to notice he is sad. Just by the way he moves, the way he stands—there is something within him that is bringing him down. I want to know what it is. I want to know who he is.

I watch him as he slowly but surely unpacks the boxes from the moving truck. Another woman, who is petite in size yet affectionate towards the man, helps him as he hoists each box out of the vehicle and into the house. There are times where he sits down on the driveway, taking in deep breaths, leaning against the house. He will tilt his head back with his eyes shut. I wonder.

Who is he?

The first wonder is answered once he knocks on my door that very night. Seeing his face up close changes all the things that had been running through my mind regarding him. He has bright eyes that cause a tightening in my chest, for their brilliance is too much to bear all at once. Not only that, but the small smirk that forms upon his lips as I open the door. I suddenly can’t breathe.

“Hi,” is all he says. He has a raspy and deep voice, one that I would be okay with listening to for forever. “I’m supposed to give these to you.”

He hands over a plate of hotteok. The sweet scent of the dessert makes my stomach grumble. I hesitate to accept the plate, but reach over to grab it once the man in front of me coughs subtly. He smiles bigger as I examine the treats.

“Thank you,” I tell him. He nods. My chest tightens even more as I watch him.

“I’m Junmyeon, I’m living right across the street. I hope you enjoy the hotteok.” His voice is even raspier, but in a way, I like it. He coughs again before trotting off the front porch. As he walks away, my dog, Vivi, began to bark. I pick him up before I wave to the man—Junmyeon—but he doesn’t see me.

———

What is he doing?

The second wonder crosses my mind when I see him laying outside in the complete darkness, curled up in a ball, but managing to look up at the stars. I don’t see him move at all. As I watch from my bedroom window, my curiosity only grows more and more.

It is plenty late for me to get into trouble, but I really can’t bear to watch Junmyeon lay there in the cold, when he can be inside in the warmth.

So I make my way down the steep stairs, making sure there’s no creaking as I walk. Once I reach the final step, I grab my coat from the hanger and open the front door. Once I’m outside, the cold air immediately sends my spine in a chill and my teeth begin to chatter. He still hasn’t moved, not even once the door closes behind me.

I slowly walk across the street, hugging my arms to keep warm. My nose already feels stuffy and my ears already feel red from the freezing temperatures. There are no cars driving in the neighborhood at this hour, so making it across the street is rather simple.

I step onto the frost-coated grass. Junmyeon continues to lay in the same fetal position.

“J-Junmyeon?” I speak. My voice is rather loud due to the stillness of the night.

He shifts in his spot, looking over at me.

“What?” he replies, his voice barely audible. “What is it?”

I can tell he’s in a daze, for it takes him a few moments to realize I’m standing right before him. He coughs a few times before completely sitting up, along with a dragged-out yawn. I step back away from him once he begins to stand. His hair is a rustled mess atop his head. He runs his hand through the brown locks.

“Are you okay? Why are you out here? It’s late,” I question. Junmyeon squints at me, for the darkness made it difficult to see almost anything. He scratches his head.

“I…had an argument with my mother. I came out here to get some air, I guess I fell asleep. I’m okay.” He begins to walk back into his house, but I don’t realize until the sound of a garage door opening fills my ears. He then starts coughing more. The sound has become more and more familiar to me, unfortunately.

I suddenly feel an urge to stop Junmyeon, just so I could look at his dazzling eyes a bit longer, and so I could hear his voice once more.

“Wait!” I shout. He turns around. His face shows confusion. “Come inside with me.”

He reluctantly walks towards me, his feet crunching on the frozen grass. My heart beats faster. Once he’s right in front of me, I notice that even in this pitch-black sky and the low light of the night, his eyes continue to shine. I’ve never seen anyone like him before. Never.

“Okay,” he replies with a grin. My heart skips a beat.

We’re back inside my house, and the silence between us is rather painful. He’s been living here for four months, yet we have absolutely nothing to talk about. Maybe, I could bring up how loud it is when the garbage truck comes around, or how it makes my dog go insane. I could bring up how this is only the second time I’ve seen Junmyeon since he moved here.

“You have a nice house,” he comments as he studies the living area. His voice cracks at some point, but he immediately shrugs it off by clearing his throat. Then, he starts coughing again. All there is surrounding us is the fireplace, the framed family photos on the wall, and the television before the couch we sit on.

I let out a sigh. “It’s just a house.”

———

When will I hear him sing?

Months passed where I’d occasionally find Junmyeon hanging around outside. Most of the time, he would just be laying on the grass, or he’d be sitting on the driveway with a notebook, writing away the day. There were times when I was curious, so I’d go outside and meet him. But every time, he’d hide the notebook away.

But there were also periods of time where he’d never be outside, even when there were clear and sunny skies. That surprised me the most. He could be outside for hours, whether it be raining, freezing, or way too windy to even keep the notebook on the ground. It had worried me, for the outdoors seemed to be his favorite place.

Once several weeks had passed, I knocked on his door almost every day. His mother would always answer. She’d always say, “Junmyeon isn’t available right now. I’m sorry.”

She didn’t seem very sorry.

It’s now almost the end of my final school year. No seeing Junmyeon on the weekends due to hard and intense studying. No seeing anyone for that matter, since not having any friends makes it hard to do just about anything outside my small little neighborhood. Spending my life inside, watching my life slip away each day, had become normal. So spending even more time studying was no challenge.

It took Junmyeon a good five months to finally be the one to come and knock on my door. He still looks sad, but that wasn’t new. He seemed sad when he first moved in.

He didn’t say anything at first, which just resulted in us staring at each other, awaiting for some action to occur. But, I’m glad he gave me the chance to admire him even more, because it seemed that in that moment, I noticed that not only his eyes were bright, but his hair was even more perfect than the last time he stood at my doorstep like this, and his lips were the perfect shade of pale-pink. He was marvelous in more ways than I initially thought.

“Do you want to walk with me?” he asks. I raise my eyebrows and open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I realize I’m standing there like a complete idiot once Vivi runs up to the door barking. I’m brought back into reality, and I accept Junmyeon’s offer. I bring Vivi with me on the leash.

We make our way down the clean sidewalk of our neighborhood. The grass is a vibrant green, some houses decorated with flower gardens at their fronts. The sight entirely brings more happiness to the atmosphere.

We eventually reach a local park where there’s a wide field of grass along with benches here and there. We find one beneath a tree to give some shade. I pick up a stick for Vivi as we claim our seat.

Junmyeon sits while I take Vivi off his leash. I throw the stick, and he runs far from us, fur bouncing as he sprints. He eventually comes running back with the stick in his mouth, and once he reaches us, he jumps on Junmyeon’s legs. He pets my dog, and Vivi lets out a bark of glee. I smile at the sight, because Junmyeon shows the grin I’ve been waiting to see all these months.

“What have you been doing the past few months?” I ask, starting a conversation. Junmyeon sighs as he looks out at the view of the grass and the trees before us.

“Nothing important,” he replies. I throw the stick for Vivi again.

“It must be important. It’s been nearly half a year.”

Junmyeon stays quiet for a while. I glimpse at him, and he’s staring at Vivi who now lies at his feet. He softly the white fur, ignoring my statement.

“Just figuring out stuff for school. I might be going to university next year,” he finally informs. I nod, finally understanding his absences. School stuff. Just like me.

“What are you going to study?” I ask.

Junmyeon looks up. “Music. Songwriting, performing, and composing.”

I’m surprised at what he says. However, it excites me. “I’ve always loved music. That’s cool you get to do it professionally.”

Knowing Junmyeon has a passion for music immediately interests me. I suddenly wonder about all the lyrics he’s written and all the melodies and chord progressions he writes along with those poetic lines. I wonder about the stories behind these songs. I wonder about it all.

But most of all, I wonder, when will I hear him sing?

———

Am I really in love?

Turns out Junmyeon has more interest in me than I had thought. It was always me wondering about him. Wondering if he had ever thought the same way of me as I did of him. Wondering if he ever gazed at me the way I do when I’m with him.

It was another summer evening, he had told me that he was going to take me somewhere. I wondered what that somewhere was, but I figured it was a rather calm somewhere, for Junmyeon was a calm person and seemed to only care for calm environments.

However, I’m rather surprised when Junmyeon drives me into the town. It’s quite busy, so I wonder exactly why he’s brought me here.

We walk the streets of the town, the somewhat-dark night sky above our heads, moon shining bright due to the cloudless evening. Junmyeon walks at a faster pace than the average human. I hook onto his arm to keep up with him.

“Why exactly are we here? This is far from calm,” I ask under a laugh. Junmyeon doesn’t answer me for a while.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be here long.”

We finally come to a stop, and it’s at a set up station, selling some sort of treats. The scent that fills my nose is rather familiar.

“Hotteok,” Junmyeon cheers as he looks at me with a grin. I smile at him, then we begin to laugh. He leads us closer to the stand. I impatiently wait as he pays for the food, my stomach growing more hungry, my anticipation thriving. The scent reminded me of the summer evening when I first saw Junmyeon up close. When I first saw his bright eyes. When I first saw his marvelous smile. When I first wondered about him.

Junmyeon completes the payment before handing me the snack. I immediately delve in, tasting the sweet treat that I had tasted all those months ago. As Junmyeon and I walk back to his car with the grub in our hands, I realize that Junmyeon has been living only thirty seconds away from me, yet I know nearly nothing about him. I know that he writes. I know he is calm. And I know he likes calm places.

“Where to next?” I ask, sitting myself in the passenger seat. Junmyeon starts the car before answering.

“My beach.”

We drive down the main roads which soon turn into back roads, and I then realize why Junmyeon had said my beach. The sands and water are completely secluded from the rest of the area. There’s no possible way anybody else could ever find it.

Junmyeon leads as we progress closer to the trillions of soft rocks. He seems to know this place inside and out.

He coughs. “I’ve been coming here a lot lately. The beach is more calm than anywhere else.”

I nod. We both find a spot in the center of the shore, which is a good distance away from the water. I can still feel slight mists as the tides roll in, though. But the sensation is pleasant due to the rather humid evening.

“It’s nice,” I comment. I look around, and to our right is a semi-large, rocky cliff. There are several rocks lining the bottom of it, the trail ending once it reaches the water. Behind us are the patches of dry grass. And to our left is the mound of sand combined with the meadow.

“Any updates on your music?” I ask him.

“Writing. Playing. It’s all the same,” Junmyeon answers without enthusiasm. “How about you? What have you been up to?”

“Well, I’ve been worrying about you.”

Junmyeon stays quiet. So do I. Except I’m doing the thing that I always do, which is admire his being right in front of me. I examine the way he stares at the waters before us. His eyes are squinted, studying each foamy wave that crashes onto the shore. Measuring the height and time difference of each swell. Watching the moon as its reflection on the water grows brighter as the sky grows darker.

He finally stops his examination on the landscape and looks towards me. I slightly flinch when he puts his hand over my long fingers.

“Sehun,” he breathes. I hold my breath. “You shouldn’t think of me this way.”

I blink, but only once, for my body seems to freeze up completely in that moment. I don’t even open my mouth to speak, for I have zero words to say.

“You really can’t be in love with me. I know you are.”

I feel my heart pound even harder. I can’t seem to control the thoughts flooding my mind. I get the same stiff feeling in my chest, and nerves start to dance around in my stomach. Before I could contemplate it, my face is centimeters from Junmyeons. I lace my fingers in between his which had been covering my hand. And I kiss him. I feel his soft lips against mine, and I don’t think about it, and I don’t regret it.

That is until he leaves me.

———

Does he hate me?

Two months pass. No Junmyeon.

No lying outside on the grass, watching the sky above him.

No silent moments. No conversations about our lives.

No hotteok.

No playing with Vivi.

I can’t wonder about him.

———

Is he okay?

This is the first time I knock on his door, and Junmyeon himself answers. It looks as if he’s just woken up from a long nap. His hair is unbrushed, his eyes weak, no smile on his face.

“Hi.” I hold onto the towels beneath my arm tighter. Junmyeon slowly blinks, most likely awaiting an explanation as to why I’m standing before him.

“I’m going to the beach. Your beach, if you want to join me.”

Before I know it, Junmyeon is in my car with me. Except we’re both quiet as ever, but I had expected that, especially after what happened the last time I saw him.

As we sit in the car, I don’t drive off. I sit there in silence as the engine runs and the air conditioning starts to blast through the vents. I look at Junmyeon, awaiting an explanation.

“I’m sorry,” he says before clearing his throat. “Life hasn’t been easy lately. I just couldn’t see you.” I nod, even though it’s hard to understand his words, for they’re so vague. I figure it’s something having to do with college tuitions. It was stressful, for I had thought about that too, being out of high school. I could see why that would distance him.

“It’s okay,” I answer with a subtle grin. He does the same.

“Let’s go. I need a distraction.”

And I drive away. We’re driving down the busy streets and the quiet, empty streets. I feel happiness and relief grow inside me knowing Junmyeon is no longer holding our grudge. As warm as it is outside, the sky isn’t colorful. The blue is covered by thick tufts of clouds.

We reach the shore after several more minutes, the familiar sound of waves crashing and wind blowing through the trees fills my ears. It brings immediate comfort, but also brings the bitter memory of Junmyeon leaving me. Telling me I can’t be in love with him. I suddenly feel down as we walk right over the spot where we sat last time.

“Can we swim?” Junmyeon asks me, but for some reason, he speaks with sadness. I say yes to the id