{listen}

“It’s just that I need some-“

“What, Baekhyun? Space? Time? For ’s sake I’ve given you enough of that haven’t I?”

A hand through his hair. Remnants of dinner scattered across the floor. A tear fell. Neither were sure about who was the first to break. They both knew, however, that their “us” was broken many years ago.

“Please, Baek. Just… Let’s just say it.”

Silence filled the room.

“It- It’s not working out.”

It’s silent. Too silent. Nothing could drown out the thundering of his heartbeat that made his head ache and his whole being shake.

“Let’s break up.”

More tears followed the first one yet they could not stop the man walking out of the door.

A hand grabbed the phone that woke him up with a blaring alarm and automatically pressed ‘silent’ as the sun peeked through the curtains of the hotel room. Baekhyun’s head was filled with second thoughts of sleeping in, seeing that it was one of the rare days when he didn’t actually have to work despite being in another country for that purpose.

Being the “manager”, that term is used loosely, of drag queens had many perks. One of which is travelling all around the world for one of your employer’s many world tours and the other is the hefty pay that one gets not from just managing a drag queen, but also from co-producing, co-directing, and many other co-‘s for many events.

Another perk of being a manager is connected to the first perk. The second perk is that you don’t have to stay in the same place all the time, escaping all of those reminders and memories that haunt you till this very day. Sometimes Baekhyun thinks of himself as a masochist, because any sane person would want to escape the past's torment should it haunt them endlessly in the place where it happened. Sometimes Baekhyun thinks of himself as insane, seeing that despite the many encourages, offers, and suggestions from friends and family to leave his home and move to have a clean slate in life, he rejected each and every one of them and chose to stay in his apartment of 8 years. Most of the time people would agree with Baekhyun’s thoughts, thinking to themselves that maybe Baekhyun was a little bit out of his mind because he would never leave nor even think about moving out of his apartment that he once shared with him.

Him, huh?

Well, where is that “him”?

“Let’s break up.”

He- Park Chanyeol- is gone. Not here. Left. Why?

“Let’s break up.”

Why?

“It- It’s not working out.”

Why?

“Let’s break up.”

“Why?” Baekhyun giggled while grabbing his purchases from the vending machine, his phone trapped between his chin and his shoulder. “What? Can’t I call my fiancé because I miss him?” A baritone voice answered from the phone, causing Baekhyun’s smile to grow wider.

“Chanyeol, we’re literally living in the same apartment. You can visit me in my work down the street- hell, we even ate breakfast together before you left. I hope you’re eating dinner right now.”

“But it’s not the same without my fi-an-ceeee.” Chanyeol whined and Baekhyun could imagine his boyfriend rolling around the bed, still not changed from his clothes that he wore for the school day. Chanyeol was a music teacher in the local high school which was actually his and Baekhyun’s alma mater.

“I can wait for you, Baek. Let’s eat together.” Chanyeol continued after his whining and Baekhyun could hear the unspoken request for Baekhyun to go home early in Chanyeol’s tone. “I’m sorry babe but we’ve got a sold-out show tonight and I have to help out the queens with their . Maybe I can get home earlier tomorrow and we can eat together then.” Baekhyun answered and he could already see the frown forming on Chanyeol’s face. An audible sigh sounded from the phone followed by a simple okay.

“I’m sorry Yeol.” Baekhyun said, hoping that his boyfriend was still listening.

“It’s alright Baek. Stay safe. I love you.” Chanyeol’s voice warmed up at the end and Baekhyun let out a breath of relief.

“Thanks babe, you’re the best. I love you too.” Baekhyun answered. When he returned to the dressing room and was met by chaos, he immediately ended the call and started to do arrange the mess and everything else that needed to be fixed. When the clock 2 am and the show was wrappedup was the only time Baekhyun was able to see the text messages waiting for him.

I hope everything’s running smoothly! (8:03 pm)

Remember to at least grab a bite so that you’re not running on an empty stomach, okay? (9:00 pm)

I saved you some lasagna so that you can eat when you get home. (9:57 pm)

I have an early day tom. I’ll be sleeping now Baek. (10:00 pm)

I love you. (10:00 pm)

I miss you. (12:00 am)

Guilt started to eat Baekhyun up as he rushed back to his home: to Chanyeol. He got home in record time and got into the apartment, yet was shockedby what he saw. The lights were still open and in the living room, sleeping on the couch, was Chanyeol. Baekhyun could feel tears prickling at his eyes as he approached his sleeping fiancé. Despite trying to keep his steps silent, Chanyeol still woke up and gave his fiance a grin. “Welcome home, Baek.”

Baekhyun couldn’t help but jump into Chanyeol’s embrace as they cuddled on the couch. The two fell asleep in the same position. The couch was uncomfortable, the cold was getting to them, and Baekhyun hasn’t even changed into his pajamas, yet they were contented to sleep in each other’s arms.

Baekhyun finished the lasagna that he brought home with him the night before, too lazy to get an actual breakfast from the café across the street. Now that he thought about it, he was supposed to meet his employer thirty minutes ago. Seeing that there were no messages or missed calls filling up his phone’s memory, his charge must have slept in again.

‘It’s fine.’ Baekhyun thought to himself, brushing his hair in front of the bathroom mirror, ‘I gotta let him rest when we get the chance.’

‘In the meantime’ Baekhyun continued to talk to himself internally as he grabbed his jacket, wallet, and phone and prepared to go outside, ‘I should explore the city as much as I can. Who knows, maybe I’ll even move here!’ He chuckled to himself while exiting the hotel and into the bustling streets of New York City.

New York, despite being dubbed as one of the best cities of the world, didn’t really mesmerize Baekhyun. Maybe it’s because he’s frequented the place too many times? Maybe it’s because it’s a lot dirtier and busier than he thought it would be? He approached a Starbucks down the street to get a cup of coffee that would keep his hands warm; he got easily cold and he didn’t really know why.

“It’s because you’re small, Baekkie!”

Baekhyun saw a man dressed in plaid and ripped jeans cuddling with who was seemingly his boyfriend in a black sweater in the Starbucks that Baekhyun entered. The smile of the man in the black sweater was bright as he adoringly gazed at the man in plaid who matched his expression, the man in plaid’s tanned skin seemingly glowing from the joy the pair radiated.

“Don’t worry Baek, your height perfectly complements mine. I’ll always keep you warm.”

“, why do I keep on thinking about that?” Baekhyun asked himself, shaking his head to get rid of the memories that we trying to surface again. Chanyeol always made it a point to bring a scarf before, knowing that Baekhyun would get cold so that he could give the smaller man the scarf.

“Well, he’s not here now, is he?” Baekhyun whispered to himself as he lined up to order. Despite being indoors, he could still hear the bustle of the city outside. New York didn’t really mesmerize Baekhyun. Maybe it was the noise, maybe it was the pollution, or maybe it was the filth. Or maybe it was because Chanyeol has always wanted to go to New York with him for their honeymoon that didn’t happen.

The pair was best friends since preschool when poor Chanyeol was bullied for his love for ferrets until a feisty boy fought the bullies away. The little boy, with a wide grin (that lacked a tooth because of the fist fight that happened between him and two bigger boys), extended his hand for a handshake.

“Baek, when we get married, I wanna go to New York!” Chanyeol exclaimed one day as they occupied the play house that Baekhyun was so fond of. Baekhyun turned from the imaginary dinner that he was cooking, wiped his hands of the imaginary food, and faced his best friend. Baekhyun sighed exasperatingly, and looked at Chanyeol with his left eyebrow shooting up.

“And who’s gonna pay for that?” Baekhyun asked the boy who was fixing the dinner table.

“Me! I’m gonna become a teacher and I’m gonna give you all my money!”

Baekhyun blushed, muttering to himself that he didn’t need all of Chanyeol’s money. “How are you so sure that we’re gonna get married anyway? Stop planning stuff.”

Chanyeol gave Baekhyun a toothy grin, one that little Baekhyun felt blinded him because his best friend was so brilliant. “I’m just sure Baek. I’m gonna marry you. Park Chanyeol and Park Baekhyun-” Chanyeol finished fixing the dinner table and sat down, waiting for the imaginary dinner to beserved “-I like that.”

Baekhyun threw the toy pot at his friend. “Idiot! Who told you that I would become a Park? If anything, you’d be Byun Chanyeol!” Chanyeol grinned at his friend again.

“I’m fine with that too.”

Baekhyun got his coffee order that he ordered in English correctly, thanks to endless nights of tutoring from Kyungsoo, his close friend since high school. No matter how many times he tried to call Kyungsoo as his best friend in his head, his heart could not grasp the idea. His heart would clench and would seem to voice out one name that he desperately tried to forget but never did.

This is a daily occurrence for Baekhyun. Every day he would think that maybe that day would be the day when he would finally forget, because for the past years he has been doing well for himself. He would wake up and go on his day as normal. But what was normal for him all these years after the man that he loved left? Normal for him was being fine and getting by until he remembers. And he remembers everything. He would remember New York, he would remember lasagna, remember midnight drag shows and missed calls, movie dates, coffee orders, childhood memories, him, him, him, him, Park Ch--

“Baek! So this is where you were!”

Baekhyun turned around to find Heechul, or Sheenim in drag, his charge for the trip and close friend. Heechul was dragging along his husband Hangeng who doubled as his designer and choreographer. Hangeng gave Baekhyun a sleepy smile and muttered a greeting while Heechul proceeded to grab Baekhyun’s arm and started walking towards the Starbucks that Baekhyun was just in.

“I thought you weren’t awake so I let you sleep in, and I decided that Hangeng and I should have a breakfast date! But since you’re here let’s eat together!” Heechul was very excited in the morning because it was one of the few days when he would actually get a break and he relished every bit of it. Baekhyun, although flattered by his friend’s affection, felt that he was imposing on the couple’s time together so he told Heechul that he didn’t want to interrupt their time. Heechul rolled his eyes while Hangeng shook his head at Baekhyun’s negative response towards their invitation.

“Baek, you’re never a third wheel for us. And besides, when do you think will we ever eat together in fancy New York?” He exclaimed loudly though it remained unnoticed by others in the bustle of the crowd. Baekhyun still said no, even with Hangeng’s silent question in his eyes asking if he was sure that he didn’t want to go with them for breakfast.

“Besides hyung, I already ate!” Heechul just tutted and told his manager that he would call him when he and Hangeng were done with their date. “Fine Baek-“ Heechul huffed, “just make sure to try to enjoy your time here! Who knows, maybe you’ll even meet someone!” Heechul finished his bye-byes with a grin and dragged his husband off to Starbucks. Baekhyun chuckled weakly as he waved goodbye to the couple. Baekhyun scanned the place, thinking about where he would go for the rest of the day.

Meet someone, huh?

“Baek, I want you to meet my girlfriend!” 17-year-old Chanyeol introduced his new girlfriend, his fourth one since the start of their senior year, to his best friend who was eating his lunch. Baekyhun dropped his spoon in shock, his mouth agape while looking at the grinning man with a girl shyly blushing beside him. Baekhyun awkwardly smiled back before introducing himself to the obviously elated girl, probably because of Chanyeol’s announcement that she was his girlfriend. Baekhyun didn’t even know why he was so shocked that his best friend got a new girlfriend two weeks after he broke up with the previous one. The thing was, Chanyeol was notorious in their high school for being a popular Casanova who got girl and boy partners in a matter of days.

Baekhyun extended his hand to the girl for a handshake with a grin, not even thinking about asking for the girl’s name. It was petty, he knew, but he felt justified because he knew Chanyeol wouldn’t even be with the girl for 3 weeks. The girl shook his hand and gave Chanyeol a sweet smile, which Chanyeol returned. Baekhyun’s grin was plastered on his face. He felt that his grin looked fake. It was.

Baekhyun was used to his friend’s actions. He was used to Chanyeol’s endless flings. He was used to Chanyeol not noticing that maybe, maybe his best friend wanted to be a fling, or maybe even more than a fling. He was used to not being noticed every time, used to getting his feelings hurt.

That didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Two weeks later, Chanyeol approached their usual lunch table alone. “Where’s your girl?” Baekhyun tried to ask in a nonchalant way, but his voice was a bit strained in the end, with him trying to choke down the hope swelling up in his chest at the sight of Chanyeol alone. “Oh, she’s not my girl anymore.” Chanyeol let out a sigh before sitting beside Baekhyun and grabbing a bite from his best friend’s packed sandwich. “Get your own food, douche!” Baekhyun exclaimed even after letting Chanyeol bite from his sandwich. “Guess it’s just you and me again Baek.” Chanyeol sighed before leaning his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. Baekhyun gave a smile that he wished didn’t betray any relief he felt when he learned that Chanyeol broke up with his girlfriend and ruffled the giant’s hair.

“Yeah, you and me.”

“Always, Baek?”

“Always, Yeol.”

A year later, on their high school graduation, Chanyeol asked Baekhyun to live with him in an apartment he was planning to rent. Baekhyun, laughing because he was about to ask the same thing, said yes. Two years after, during their sophomore year, Chanyeol asked Baekhyun to become his boyfriend. Baekhyun, with a blush so red he could rival the red roses given to him by his best and boyfriend, said yes. A year after their college graduation, Chanyeol proposed to Baekhyun. Baekhyun, with tears running down his face and a silver ring on his left ring finger, said yes.

Chanyeol, two years after the asking Baekhyun to marry him, took his proposal back. Baekhyun couldn’t say anything. He just watched the man that he loved go.

Baekhyun wished he had the guts to say ‘no’. Baekhyun wished he had the guts to tell the man that he loved to stay.

Baekhyun wished he could turn back time. Maybe turn back time to when he was with Chanyeol? When they were happy together? Maybe turn back time to Chanyeol’s proposal and say no? Turn back time to Chanyeol’s confession and not become his boyfriend- ex-boyfriend. Turn back time to his childhood and maybe not help out the kid who was crying alone on the swing after having his ferret stuffed toy ripped apart by bullies. But he knew, deep down in his heart, that even if he was given the power to turn back time, he would never do anything differently when it came to Chanyeol. The light for pedestrians to cross the street turned green and the people around him started to move. Baekhyun thought he was over-reading but he felt thatthe green light was a message from above to go; to move on from the past and walk ahead.

Tucking his jacket closer to himself to prevent the cold gust of wind from making him colder than he was, he looked up from the crack on the pavement that he was staring at to cross the pedestrian lane. He was planning on roaming, on taking his mind off the past that seemed to haunt him all the time. He was ready; he was planning to move on. It was time for him to, he kept on telling himself. It was time for him to cross the pedestrian lane to the other side: to let go.

He looked at the other side.

His breath hitched, all thoughts of moving on screeching into a halt.

His heart skipped a beat, all thoughts of what if’s, could’ve been’s, I miss you, I want you back, I love you, I love you, I love you, flooding his head like a dam that overflowed.

He, oh god, he… He was looking back.

“Park Chanyeol.”

I haven't been drinking
I haven't been thinking
Of lonely "if only"s and then...
And then I see you...
And I know you all over again
And then I see you...
And I love you all over again

So my girlfriend broke up with me 

I think that helped me write this?? Because she's got another person now and I'm here still a lil bit in love with her. I hope she's happier than when she was with me and the person she's with is treating her well. I hope that person will love her as much as I do. I guess I'm just full of hope for her happiness now, since that happiness she needed wasn't with me. Well, enuff about my love live -or lack thereof. Thanks for reading this mostly unbeta-ed fic of mine :D 

If I get more inspired, I might write a sequel/side-story of Chanyeol's POV, inspired by another song from the album Two Birds.

Do comment what you think and give Trixie Mattel's full album a listen!  Upvote if you liked and love y'all :)