Saying this is so hard, I like you
I was too shy to become your sun so I became a cold moon

Only you only you
Again, I’m acting weird in front of you

(Blanket Kick, BTS)

When the clock struck 4 in the morning, Kim Taehyung made a silent wish. 

Most people believe birthdays start at midnight, but not Taehyung. On December 30, 1995, his mother gave birth to him at exactly 4 in the morning. So whenever well-wishers would greet him at 12 AM, he would kindly remind them that they were four hours early. 

Now that it's 4 AM on December 30, he's officially 20 years old. 

The new adult gazes outside of his bedroom window, admiring the blue hue of dawn. It's his favorite time of the day and he's so glad his mother gave birth to him at 4 o' clock in the morning.

Since it's his birthday, he should be ecstatic. But on this particular day, he just isn't. 

Taehyung watches as the birds fly from one tree to another. It's been his tradition to wake up at exactly 4 in the morning on his birthday just to greet his new year. Usually, he wasn't alone in this tradition.

But the recent circumstances changed everything.

A soft knock on the door disturbs his thoughts, followed by the creaking of a door. 

"Well, I knew you'd be awake."

His older brother, Namjoon, stands by the doorway -- wearing that popular cocky, be-dimpled smile on his face.

"Happy birthday, bro," he greets, "Appreciate the fact that your hyung woke up at 4 AM for you."

Taehyung rolls his eyes. "I didn't say you have to."

"Don't be ungrateful, Tae. I did this for you and you know I don't usually do," replies his older brother, "Aren't you glad I'm here and you're not alone?"

That fact hit a nerve.

Taehyung sighs as the memory triggers him again. Namjoon, realizing his thoughtless words, immediately recoils. 

"God, I'm sorry Tae," he says, approaching his brother, "Forget I said that."

The younger Kim just nods his head as he feels his hyung stand beside him to watch the dawn. 

"Do you want to go out?" asks Namjoon.

"No, I think...this is better."

"But you like walking out on your birthday."

"Yeah, but..." he trails off and looks at his brother. Namjoon understands immediately.

"Ah well, you can change the memory and walk with me instead," suggests his hyung, "Honestly, you should've just walked with me in the first place."

Taehyung smiles as he watches the cat prance outside. "This is so weird. I can't believe you actually woke up at 4 AM and now you're actually asking me to walk outside," he says.

Namjoon ruffles his hair. "Anything for my heartbroken brother."

Taehyung heaves another sigh, which alarms Namjoon.

"Did I trigger you again?"

"Everything triggers me recently," he answers, "I mean...there's no point in being touchy, I guess."

"God, Tae," sighs Namjoon, "Seeing you so negative is weirding me out. You're the sunshine in this family and sometimes, it annoys the hell out of me. But right now, what I'd give to have you so positive and annoying."

Silence follows.

"He's my best friend, hyung," says Taehyung, breaking the long pause.

His older brother puts an arm around his shoulder. “I know that, Tae,” replies Namjoon, “I know it’s hard.”

“I...I guess I messed up.”

“No you didn’t. You were being honest and that’s better than lying to yourself.”

“But what if I lose him because of it?”

“He’s still there, isn’t he?”

“But he’s not here today,” reasons Taehyung, “All because I made it awkward. I just had to say it, I just had to be honest. And now...everything’s different between us.” He touches the window. “He’s there, but not totally there. God, why did I have to be such an idiot?”

“You weren’t, Tae,” assures his brother, “Jimin might just be wrapping his head around it.”

A scuffle momentarily distracts the brothers.

“Damn, I forgot to tie the dog last night,” remembers Namjoon, “Stay there. I have to make sure Shirley didn’t mess up the kitchen; otherwise, Mom’s going to kill me.”

Taehyung chuckles as his older brother rushes outside of the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He looks outside again, sad at the sudden halt of this birthday tradition of six years.

Since he turned fourteen, Taehyung made it a habit to stroll outside once the clock strikes four on the morning of his birthday. During these walks, he had one constant companion.

His best friend, Park Jimin.

“Taehyung-ah, happy birthday!”

“Hey Guy Who Eats His-Boogers, it’s your birthday. Wake up already!”

“The sun’s already up. You’re not getting up at 4AM on Tae Tae day?”

“Want some black bean noodles? I’m not sure there’s any noodle place open at 4 AM though. But what the heck? It’s your birthday.”

The memory of Jimin and those birthday walks makes Taehyung’s heart cringe.

There was no other person who mattered more than Jimin—apart from his family, of course. He was the best friend Taehyung ran to whenever classmates bullied him for being weird or when he needed someone to ease his boredom. Jimin was also there for Taehyung during the hardest and best moments of his life: when his grandmother died, when they both made it to the same high school—all of the big moments.

Even the birthdays.

In fact, it was Jimin who came up with them.

“If you like the dawn so much, why don’t you take advantage of it? After all, you were born at 4 AM.”

For five years, Jimin would wake him up. Before phones, Taehyung would wake up to his best friend’s tapping right outside of his bedroom window. When smartphones happened, he would gain his senses once his phone rang endlessly—signalling Jimin’s presence.

Once he woke up and got dressed, Taehyung would meet his best friend for his traditional birthday walk.

Each year was special. Taehyung chuckles as he remembers his seventeenth birthday. He and Jimin ended up facing a pack of dogs in the middle of the street. Taehyung tried being the bigger man, but turned out to be the biggest coward as he was the first to run for his life, Jimin following his suit.

He always loved these walks.

Until now—when there wasn’t any.

And Taehyung feels it’s his fault.

“Happy birthday to you, Taehyung-ah!”

20-year old Taehyung attempts to smile as he blows the candle. His mother gives him a hug while his older brother yaps on about serving beer later that night.

“Aisht, Namjoon-ah! Don’t give him any ideas!” scolds their mother.

“Mom, he’s an adult already. He can have as much as he wants!”

“Is that why you stocked the fridge?”

“It’s my birthday present.”

Taehyung chuckles as his mother shakes her head at her oldest son.

“Thanks for the dinner, Mom,” says Taehyung, patting his stomach, “I’m so full, I don’t think I can eat someone else’s food anymore. Everything should be made by my mother.”

Their mother blushes as she kisses her son on the cheek.

“But beer can still fit?” asks his hyung.

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