Eun’s diary

This morning before father left, he came into our room and told me to talk to him outside. Soondeok’s sleeping deeply when he came, so I got up quietly and went out. He said he’s leaving, with some of our servants and maids and won’t be back for a while – he told me to take good care of Soondeok and stay with her all day. I promised him I would, he smiled, patted me on the shoulder and left after he had given me a letter – Soondeok’s Onni has left her a letter. Should I give it to Soondeok today? Will that break her heart even more? Should I wait? And father…he looked frail, very frail this morning – unlike the warrior figure he had portrayed before. I think it was the first time he ever smiled at me. The pain, I believe, is tremendous…6 of his 9 children have died. My heart aches for him…reminds me of my father.

Soondeok didn’t speak much last night, she’s lost all energy – she cried too much. I cried too, because she cried. It hurts me to see her in grief…if only I can make her feel better…but I know it takes time, one must grief all she needs in order to stand up again. It reminds me of my childhood too much…I used to force myself not to cry, not to shed a single tear for those who left me, but I always give up in the end, I would sob under my blanket until I fell asleep.

Of all the times…why now? Soondeok and I were just getting closer together, we were so happy together…but I guess that’s what’s important. I have to be with her in good times, and I have to be with her even more in bad times. I’ll take this opportunity to show Soondeok that I will love her even in difficult times, I will definitely do it. After all, the only time we know who are truly close to us are at times of adversity…the only way we can see the stars shining is when the sky is completely dark. I will be that star to Soondeok…but I can’t help but think…is it my fault that her Onni died? It would seem…just when I got closer to Soondeok, this news hit us, it’s like the curse is back, should I just return to being her brother, will that keep her safe?

She’s still sleeping, she must’ve been so tired – both physically and mentally, I doubt she slept a wink last night. The house is quiet now, very quiet. My nephews moved to their grandparents’ house out of town because of the funeral and all. Most of the servants and maids went with father…Mindeok hyung and his wife are here. The house, though no one is weeping, I can still hear it ringing everywhere…there’s no greater separation then death…I don’t want it to happen to me again. Not if I can help it. I think I need to tell Soondeok about it…about me being his brother again, but maybe not now. Yes, I have made up my mind, I’ll just stay as his brother…maybe this could stop the curse…

Wait, I think I hear Soondeok getting up.

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(After breakfast)

‘Feeling better now, Deok ah?’

‘Thank you…for the meal…Oppa…I feel better now…’

‘S…Soondeok ah…there’s something I need to give you…I’ve thought about it for a long time, whether I should give it to you or not…but I think I should, it wasn’t mine to keep…it wasn’t mine to decide anyway.’

(Eun takes the letter out and gives it to Soondeok)

‘I hope I’m doing the right thing. I hope this will comfort you…it’s from your Onni.’

(Soondeok stares at the letter for a long time)

‘Deok ah…if you don’t want to read it, I can take it away. If you want to read it later, I can keep it. If you want me to read it for you, I can do that.’

(Soondeok looks at Eun with her grey eyes)

‘Oppa…you…you read it for me…if that’s okay…’

‘Now?’

(Soondeok nods, Eun sits close to her)

‘Alright, tell me to stop if you want to, if you want to cry, go ahead, I’ll be here.’

(Eun opens the letter to read it.)

‘To my beloved sister, my precious sister Soondeok.’

(A tear falls from Soondeok)

‘Should…should I continue, Deok ah?’

(Soondeok closes her eyes, but then nods. Eun clears his throat then continues, he too wants to cry, but he’s trying his best not to choke on his words)

‘To…To my beloved sister, my precious sister Soondeok. By the time you read this, Onni will probably be with mother…don’t cry, my dear…for I am happy where I am now.’

(Soondeok breaks into tears, Eun stops reading to hug her.)

‘Deok ah…I think, you should read it some other day…’

‘Oppa…I…I…Oppa…’

‘Yes, I understand, Deok ah. I understand, just cry all you want now, you need to cry to make your heart comfortable, I know that. Here, Oppa will stay with you, hm? Don’t you worry.’

(After some time, Soondeok stops crying)

‘Oppa…I…I want some time alone…’

(Eun nods then holds Soondeok’s hands)

‘Okay, I get it. I’ll be outside, you just call me when you need me, alright? I’ll come back when lunch is ready. And…this letter?’

‘I…I’ll read it myself…thanks…Oppa…’

‘Call me, I’ll always be here.’

(Eun kisses Soondeok’s forehead then leaves, Soondeok slowly opens the letter)

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(Eun comes in with lunch but Soondeok’s already gone, Eun panics)

‘Deok ah! Soondeok ah! Where are you?’

(Eun runs outside and asks around – no one knows where Soondeok is. Everyone goes around the city to find Soondeok. Eun goes to his residence.)

‘Soondeok ah!’

‘Oh? Your highness, you’re back!’

‘Ahjushi! Have…have you seen my wife?’

‘Lady Soondeok? No, I’ve been here all day and no one passed by…is something wrong?’

‘Ahjushi…if she comes, send words to her house, alright? I’ll look around for her.’

‘Oh dear me! Is she missing? Should we send our men out to look for her as well?’

‘That’d be nice…but someone has to stay here in case she comes. I leave it up to you, I have somewhere to go to, maybe I can find her there.’

(Eun gets on his horse and rides out of the city to the tree where he and Soondeok always rests. There, far off, he sees Soondeok – he gallops in full speed towards her, panting as he gets off his horse and runs up to Soondeok)

‘Deok ah!’

(Eun runs up to her and embraces her tight. She’s sitting on the grass, her body leaning on the tree trunk, motionless as she looks out the fields. The night is setting in.)

‘Soondeok ah! Oh thank goodness you’re alright! Thank goodness! Don’t you ever do that again! Understand? Never!’

‘I’m…sorry…’

‘Deok ah…’

‘I feel like I had to come here…that’s all…I’m sorry…you must be angry right now…’

‘I was…Deok ah, but now it doesn’t really matter, I’m just glad to see that you’re alright. Come now, let’s go back, everyone’s been looking for you.’

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(Night, Soondeok still sits on her bed with her Onni’s letter still in her hands. Eun goes to her.)

‘Deok ah, you want me to put that away for you?’

(Soondeok nods, Eun puts it away in her drawer then comes back to sit next to her)

‘Soondeok ah, dear, you want to eat anything? You didn’t have dinner…’

(Soondeok shakes her head.)

‘I get it. What do you want to do? You need me?’

(Silence)

‘Then, you want some time alone? I can go back outside…just promise me you won’t go off without letting me know again.’

(Eun gets up, Soondeok grabs him by his sleeves)

‘Alright, Deok ah, I’ll stay.’

(Silence. Eun lets Soondeok lean her head on his shoulder.)

‘Soondeok ah, you can cry if you want to. Don’t hold it in, let it all out, that’s what’s best for you.’

‘Oppa…’

‘Hm? What is it dear?’

‘I want to cry…my heart is sobbing like mad now…it hurts like crazy…like I’ve been shot a hundred arrows…’

‘Soondeok ah, you feeling alright? You need me to get you your pills?’

‘What can pills do? They just make the pain go away…it doesn’t help much…’

‘Deok ah, cut this nonsense. I’ll get them for you.’

(Eun comes back with the pills and a cup of water)

‘Deok ah, here, have one.’

(Soondeok pushes it away)

‘Soondeok ah, please take one. You said your chest hurts, didn’t you?’

‘So…say I take it…will that do anything? It’s like… lying to myself that I won’t die if I take them, if I take pills and medicine… but really…I’m dying slowly…just like Onni…’

‘Ya! Park Soondeok! You’re not dying, alright! Stop saying you are! Take them, take them! That’s an order!’

(Soondeok refuses to take them, Eun wants to cry, he chokes on his words)

‘Deok ah…please…for me…would you please take the pills? Please…I…I don’t want to lose you…’

(Soondeok looks at Eun, Eun tries to hold in his tears but they fall just the same, Soondeok cries)

‘Oppa…’

‘Deok ah…please…’

‘Oppa…I…I want to die…’

‘Soondeok ah!’

‘I…right now…I know it’s wrong for me to think like this…Oppa, I know it’s wrong to want to die…but I…my heart…I don’t think I can…I can hold it…’

‘Soondeok ah, you must live…you promised you won’t leave me!’

‘I thought…I thought that by going to that tree…by recollecting all the good memories we had there, me and you, it would give me courage to face another day of grief…but…’

‘Deok ah, don’t you even think about dying!’

(Silence)

‘Soondeok ah…’

(Eun grabs her hands)

‘Remember, Deok ah…today – this very day you want to give up, this very day you want to die…is the precious tomorrow for someone who died yesterday.’

(Soondeok sobs, Eun embraces her tight)

‘Oppa…Why…Why did heaven take Onni away?’

‘Deok ah…’

‘What did Onni do wrong? Her pitiful life…can heaven not see that? First mother…then her children…then the king…and now her…’

‘Soondeok ah, we can never know the will of heaven…maybe… going to heaven is not such a bad thing for your Onni…after all…earth only promises more suffering at times…’

‘Maybe…you’re right…that’s where mother is…where her children are…yet…Oppa…that’s not where her love is…’

‘Wait…her love?’

(Silence)

‘The man Onni loves… isn’t the king…Oppa.’

‘Ah…I thought so…but, come to think of it…why did she marry my father then?’

‘If you can’t marry someone you love…at least marry someone who is close to that person you love…that’s what she did…’

‘W-What does that mean, Deok ah?’

‘My Onni was in love with Prince Moo… now His Majesty…but…he married someone else…and father won’t let her marry him as his second wife…’

‘I see…why did he approve her marrying my father then?’

‘Don’t know…His Majesty was father’s friend after all…Till the day she died…Prince Moo…His Majesty… still doesn’t know her feelings for him…if only she could live a bit longer…if only she will tell him her heart for him once…Oh, Onni…’

(Eun hugs Soondeok then said softly)

‘I’m sorry, Deok ah…I’m sorry this has happened…it’s all my fault…because of me…’

‘What…what did you say?’

‘Nothing, Deok ah…just…talking to myself.’

(Tears roll down Soondeok’s cheeks again)

‘Oppa…Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault...There is no curse.’

‘W-what?’

(Soondeok holds Eun’s face close to her’s and stares softly at his eyes)

‘Isn’t that what you were thinking about just then? Soondeok’s Onni died because of me, because I’m cursed…everyone around me ends up dying…because of the curse…isn’t that why?’

(Eun shocked)

‘D-Deok ah…I…How…’

(A tear rolls down Soondeok’s cheeks)

‘There…there is no curse on you, Oppa…Your story…your past…your true self…you don’t have to hide it anymore…’

‘W-what are you talking about, Soondeok ah? What curse? I…I was just…’

‘The curse…that made you think all the people who died around you died because of you…Oppa, don’t blame yourself. There never was a curse…’

(Silence. Eun knows that he can no longer hide it from Soondeok.)

‘W-When did you know, Soondeok ah?’

‘Some time ago…Oppa…’

(Eun holds Soondeok’s hands, he takes a deep breath then says.)

‘Soondeok ah, I have something to say…I’ll-’

(Soondeok puts a finger over his lips)

‘Shhh…Oppa, I don’t want to hear it.’

‘Soondeok ah…I must. I-’

‘You want to say, you’ve been keeping me away because you thought it would protect me, right? That the moment you have decided to be my boyfriend, this curse took away my sister? That you’ve changed your mind and would want to return to just being my brother to protect me? Am I right, Oppa?’

‘How…how did you…’

‘Because I know you too well, Your highness…I’m your wife after all…Oppa…’

‘Yes…yes, you’re right…I should’ve stayed as your brother…I’m sorry I did that…I’m sorry I couldn’t control my feelings. I’m sorry…I can’t bring your sister back…but I won’t let this happen again, Deok ah. Let’s…let’s return to being bro-’

(Soondeok kisses Eun on his cheek)

‘Oppa…I love you.’

‘Soondeok ah…don’t…whatever you do won’t change my mind.’

‘Oppa, I told myself that I will be able to give up everything for you, that I will love you till the end, that I will do all that I can to make you happy...I decided all that before I heard your story… Y-you know what’s changed ever since I heard of your past?’

‘W-what…what’s changed?’

(Soondeok touches Eun’s face with her shaking hands and smiles)

‘Nothing.’

(Eun’s eyes begin to water)

‘Oppa…Nothing’s changed at all after I heard your story. Oppa, nothing’s changed. I still love you, so very very much. It’s not your fault…Onni herself knew it was her time, she knew all along, Oppa.’

(Eun cries, Soondeok too cries.)

‘Soondeok ah…I should’ve told you everything myself. I should’ve…I’m sorry…Your sister…’

(Soondeok lets Eun cry in her arms)

‘Oppa, how hard it must’ve been for you…to hide all that…to keep it all to yourself… I’m sorry I couldn’t help you... Oppa…I love you, remember that, no matter what.’

‘Deok ah…all those people who died…Deok ah…they all died…they…Oh, Soondeok ah…’

‘Yes, cry all you want now, Oppa… You need to let it out, cry all you want, I’m here…Oppa…let us get over this together…Oppa…’

‘Soondeok ah…why am I born? Why…why? I’m just a useless…nobody…’

‘Oppa…you’re born to love me, as I was born to love you. We were made for each other, to heal each other’s broken heart, Oppa. How can you call that useless?’

‘I…Deok ah…I was wrong for being mad at you when you said you wanted to die…Soondeok ah…’

‘You did that for me, Oppa.’

‘No…I…I was mad at you because…that’s what I wanted to do…many times…every time I have those nightmares…I wanted to die, but I was too afraid to die…’

‘Oppa, you’ll be alright, we’ll go through this together, promise.’

‘Soondeok ah…I’ve disappointed you, haven’t I? You should’ve married someone else…like what your father wanted…’

‘Nonsense! Not for a single moment have I regretted marrying you, Oppa. I love you.’

‘I…lo…I…’

‘It’s okay, Oppa, you’re not ready to say those words yet…I think I know why.’

‘Why, Deok ah, why?’

‘You need to learn to love yourself first, Oppa. We ask how people are doing each day, but we rarely ask ourselves how we’re doing, how we’re feeling. Oppa, you need to love yourself first – learn to let go, learn to go after what you dream of doing, learn to see value in yourself.’

(That evening, both of them cried in each other’s embrace – they fell asleep eventually. That night, for the first time in a very long time, Eun’s heart felt lighter – his shattered heart starts to mend.)