Soondeok’s diary

I really don’t want this holiday to end, I had such a great time with Eun. Thinking of Eun as my boyfriend was easier than I first thought. Indeed…the things we’ve been doing together so far did seem more like what will be done between dating couples rather than siblings anyway. I miss the people in the capital though, I hope they are doing alright.

Last night, guess what Eun said to me? Oh my gosh, I’m blushing as I’m remembering it. We were just chatting on bed when he suddenly searched all over my body saying, ‘Deok ah, give it back! Why did you steal it? Where is it?’ I was confused of course, I insisted that I didn’t take anything from him then he sounded all serious and said, ‘Deok ah! Why did you do that? Why did you take away my heart? Why did you steal it? Did you ask for my permission before you take my heart away? Where did you put it? Tell me, where is my heart? Give it back!’ I laughed so hard making it difficult for Eun to hold it in and then he laughed too. He was joking, of course, but I loved how he said it – made my heart flatter. I think I’m the luckiest girl on earth – to be able to hear him say that to me. Am I dreaming? It all seem too good to be true!

But, will this last? It was just a year ago or so that Eun’s deeply in love with Haesoo, but now he starts to like me…will he get bored with me then love someone else later? After all, it’s human nature to change. Will I change? So far that has never come across my mind, but I’m afraid one day…I’m afraid one day I’ll go crazy and stop loving Eun. Oh, please don’t let that happen.

I think I’m worrying too many things at the same time…I need to learn how to relax, like the prince. Thanks to him, I’ve been able to have fun every now and then – not following the rules and such. If we have kids now…will we be good parents? I do hope so, I want to be good parents to our kids, I want to give them a good childhood, unlike the prince’s and mine…

Eun’s diary

We should be back in the capital by noon today. This holiday is just absolutely fabulous. Is it because I told Soondeok I want to be her boyfriend instead of her brother? I can’t help but grin every time I think of her now. Yet what is wrong with me? I should be able to say the words “I love you” to her by now…yet every time, every single time I wanted to say it, it gets stuck in my throat, like some fish bone stuck there that can’t get out…do I not love her? Soondeok said it’s because my heart’s not ready yet. Is that why? Oh I don’t know! It’s so hard to distinguish between liking someone and loving someone…will Soondeok know the answer to that? Can she feel my interest towards her? And my past…will I be able to tell her everything one day?

She’s outside, she said she wanted to thank the inn keeper before we leave, which will be soon. Such an angel of her…I remember I used to hate her for it, I was such a devil back then. I know mother will be at the temples but I have this faint hope that when I walk through the gate of our house, mother will come out and welcome me home…I miss her.

----------------Back to the capital--------------

(Soondeok suddenly kisses Eun on his cheek)

‘Oh? What’s this for?’

‘Oppa, you go home first.’

‘What, why?’

‘You’re tired aren’t you? You go home first, I’ll just bring my gifts to Onni then I’ll come back. She must’ve missed me.’

‘It’s alright, I can go with you.’

‘I thought you’re scared of my father.’

(Eun thought for a moment)

‘Fine, I’ll go home first. I’ll get the bath ready for you.’

‘Thanks! You’ve read my mind! A warm bath is just what I needed after this trip!’

‘Then I’ll go back first, Deok ah. Come back as soon as you can, get it? If you dare stay there till night time again, I swear I’ll just carry you straight back!’

(Soondeok laughs)

‘I get it I get it Oppa. Look at you, such a kiddo.’

‘Say hi to your family for me.’

‘I will.’

(Eun hugs Soondeok)

‘Oppa, it’s not like we’ll separate for long. I’ll be back soon.’

‘Every second separated from you seems like hours, Deok ah.’

‘I guess I still love you more than you love me, Oppa.’

‘Hm? Why’s that?’

‘Because every second separated from Oppa seems like an eternity for me.’

(Eun squeezes Soondeok’s nose)

‘Aigoo…you win this time.’

‘I love you Oppa! Bye!’

(Soondeok turns to leave)

‘See you soon! Soondeok ah! Soondeok ah!!!!!’

(Soondeok turns around, Eun does heart with his arms. Both go separate ways. Eun returns home, a servant come running out to meet him, other servants follow.)

‘Your highness! You’re back! You’re finally back!’

‘Yes, I am! How have you been Ahjushi?’

‘Oh your highness! Where in the world have you been? You need to go quickly.’

‘Hm? Why? To where?’

‘Where…where’s Lady Soondeok?’

‘She went to her father’s place. Why?’

(The servant wipe away his tears)

‘Your highness…where have you been? They were looking everywhere for you two...’

(Eun starts to get serious)

‘What happened? Is something wrong? Is it mother? Is mother alright?’

‘Your highness…it’s Lady Soondeok’s Onni…she…she died…’

(Servants sob)

‘W…what? Ahjusshi…what are you talking about? Died? When? She was all well when we left.’

‘She…she died a while after you and Lady Soondeok had left…she’s been having this illness, you see…oh dear…you better get over there now. This news will probably hit Lady Soondeok hard, your highness. Aigoo, what a poor soul…aigoo aigoo….’

‘Soon…Soondeok…Soondeok ah!’

(Eun runs to Soondeok’s place. By the time he arrives, he sees many people mourning there in the main court, Soondeok on the floor, wailing as she holds the urn tight.)

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah…Soondeok ah.’

(Tears roll down Eun’s cheeks. Eun runs up to her and embraces her as she keeps wailing. Everyone sobs as they see this.)

Soondeok: ‘Your highness…oh…your highness…Onni…she…Onni…’

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah, it’s alright…it’s alright. I’m here, your husband is here. Everything will be fine…’

Soondeok: ‘It’s all my fault…your highness…Onni…Onni…’

Eun: ‘No, Soondeok ah, it’s not your fault. No one could’ve thought this would happen, Deok ah.’

Soondeok: ‘Onni!!!! Onni!!! Onni!!!!!’

(Soondeok’s father walks to his study to cry alone)

Soondeok: ‘I’m back…Onni…I’m back…you promised you’ll go to the beach with me! You promised we would go there together! Why did you leave? Onni!!!!!! Come back! Please…come back…come back…’

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah…’

Soondeok: ‘Your highness…please do something…we need to bring Onni back…she can’t…she can’t leave me!’

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah, it’s too late…it’s all too late, Deok ah…’

Soondeok: ‘Your highness, you know how to do many things, right? You can bring her back, right? You’ve got to! Please!’

Eun: ‘Deok ah…I’m sorry…’

Soondeok: ‘There’s…there’s still many things we didn’t do! So many words I didn’t say to her! Oppa…you have to bring her back…please…I beg of you…please…Onni…’

Eun: ‘I’m sorry, Deok ah…I really am…’

Soondeok: ‘Onni!!! Onni!!! Take me with you, Onni!’

Eun: ‘Ya! Park Soondeok! Don’t say that!’

Soondeok: ‘I…I should’ve been next to her…I should’ve stayed…Onni…must’ve been so lonely when she left…take me…take me Onni…’

(Eun shakes Soondeok in anger and in tears)

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah, she’s gone! Wake up! How can you ask her to take you too? Pull yourself together Soondeok ah!’

Soondeok: ‘Onni…Onni!!!! Why, why, why?’

---------------------------

(Soondeok stayed there till night time – she wailed for hours. Eventually, no tear or sound will come out of her. Eun goes up to her.)

Eun: ‘Soondeok ah, it’s getting late. You need to rest.’

Soondeok: ‘…’

Eun: ‘Deok ah, let me take this.’

(Eun takes the urn away from Soondeok then place it back on the table. Eun kneels on the floor and looks at Soondeok)

Eun: ‘Deok ah, you need to rest. Your Onni wouldn’t want to see you like this, would she?’

(Soondeok remains motionless. Father comes in.)

Father: ‘Your highness, take Soondeok to her room now. Here, both of us help her on her feet. One, two, three.’

(Both of them take Soondeok by one arm and get her up.)

Father: ‘You’ll be able to take her to her room from here, right?’

Eun: ‘Sure father, I can do it.’

Father: ‘Umm…tomorrow, we’ll be leaving.’

Eun: ‘Where to, father?’

Father: ‘My daughter’s last wish was to have her ashes scattered in the sea…I need do what I can, don’t I.’

(Soondeok looks up at her father and uttered)

Soondeok: ‘Onni…sea…I will go too…’

Father: ‘Deok ah, you need to stay here. Your highness, make sure my daughter stays here.’

Soondeok: ‘Father…let me go…let me go with you…please…please…’

Father: ‘It was your Onni’s wish…she knew you would blame yourself. She wanted your memory of the sea to be a happy one instead of a sad one, Soondeok ah. You stay, okay?’

(Soondeok beats her chest in agony, she wants to cry but no tears will come out, she wants to scream but no voice will come out of her.)

Eun: ‘Worry not father, I’ll take care of her.’

(Eun brings Soondeok to their room, Soondeok slumps on the floor. Eun gives her her pajamas.)

‘Soondeok ah…are you able to change into it yourself?’

(Silence)

‘Would you like me to help you with it?’

(Soondeok slightly nods.)

‘You need a bath first?’

(Soondeok shakes her head.)

‘Then, you want me wipe your hands and legs for you instead of a bath?’

(Soondeok slightly nods)

‘I get it, I’ll get the water.’

(Eun comes back with water in a basin, he wipes Soondeok clean then helps her change into her pajamas, then he too changes into his. He helps Soondeok lie down, then sleeps next to her. Eun looks at Soondeok’s face, it’s pale – tear tracks still visible, it’s like Soondeok has become an empty shell.)

‘Deok ah, you alright?’

(Eun holds Soondeok’s hands)

‘Soondeok ah, I know that…whatever I say now will not help you feel any better…I just want to let you know, I’m here for you. If you want to cry, then cry, cry in my embrace. If you want to scream, then scream, I’ll cover your ears for you. If you want to talk, then talk, I’ll listen to everything you have to say. If you want to be alone, then I will sleep outside tonight.’

(Silence)

‘Oppa…’

‘Yes?’

‘My gifts…have you given to father?’

‘Yes, he said he’ll…he’ll send it to Onni for you.’

(Soondeok closes her eyes)

‘Good…’

'Deok ah...goodnight, my darling.'

(That night, Soondeok couldn’t sleep – though tears won’t come out, her heart is still crying. She was once reminded of the pain, the pain of separation by death, the pain brought by regrets – there were many things she had wanted to do with her Onni, but have failed to do. If only, Soondeok thought, if only she had been there with her at her last moment, if only, if only.)