Episode 2: Jaehwan

‘’(…) Things happen in slow motion every time I see you. I know this is your locker because here is where I always find you (and oh my God, I hope this doesn’t make me sound creepy…) My friends think it is dumb (me writing you a letter right now to confess my feelings) And… I kind of agree with them, but don’t misinterpret my words: what I feel for you is real. But I barely even now you and you… well you don’t know me at all. All I know is that your eyes shining every time you smile like that is what keeps me from crumbling up this piece of paper and running away from this locker — from you, from my own feelings. I guess that, what I’m trying to say is… I think you’re beautiful, and I really like you. I know someone like you could never like me back, but I hope that by reading this you felt, at least, half of the things I felt while writing this letter...’’

Trembling hands fold the letter carefully, as if they were afraid of tearing apart the old-looking corners of the blue page. If Lee Jaehwan wasn’t as weak as he was, he’d turn the letter into a small paper plane that he’d send flying far away from him, and he’d never pick it up again. But he was weak; so he keeps the paper in his backpack instead, in the small pocket inside of his bag, precisely there because he knows he’ll ready it yet again once he’s back in his bedroom, scrunching up his nose every time Kim Wonsik made another metaphor that wasn’t for him to even begin with.

If Lee Jaehwan was strong enough, he’d crumble up the love letter, he’d throw it to the ground — maybe even at Wonsik, but he wasn’t strong enough, he’s weak, and he double checks to make sure the paper is still on his backpack before closing his locker.

Jaehwan bites on his bottom lip thoughtfully as he stares at his backpack, he doesn’t care about that Kim Wonsik at all; he doesn’t care about the whole situation, actually… and it hadn’t hurt his pride… at all. The brunet puffs out his cheeks, he doesn’t care, and it doesn’t matter — like a mantra, he repeats those words as he takes a quick glance to his locker again and huffs. If Wonsik was as in love as he claimed to be, he’d at least know that Lee Hongbin used the locker next to his’.

‘’I don’t care.’’ He decides, muttering those words makes it feel even more true, so he smiles just slightly, almost jumping out of fear when he feels a hand resting on his shoulder.

‘’Lee Jaehwan,’’ A small voice says behind him. Cha Hakyeon stands a few centimeters away from him with a knowing smirk on his face, and Jaehwan can tell that the older boy is waiting for some kind of answer back, but he tilts his head instead and waits for Hakyeon to talk again.

‘’You were talking to yourself again,’’ Hakyeon explains, he smiles sheepishly at the brunet and crosses his arms against his chest, expression totally changing; his mouth turning into a straight line, ‘’Anyways… spill it out.’’

‘’… What?’’ Now, Jaehwan is not really confused by Hakyeon’s words, but he has decided to avoid the topic as much as he can, furrowing his eyebrows and turning his back to Hakyeon.

The older boy, however, doesn’t take it — he never does — he walks and moves until he is, once again, facing Jaehwan. Hakyeon raises his eyebrows in expectation, and when he realizes he’s not getting any information out of the younger, he starts bouncing on his right leg, arms still crossed.

He sighs.

‘’Your date, Jaehwan, how did it go?’’ Hakyeon asks, with little patience left. Jaehwan understands where the older is coming from — that boy, Cha Hakyeon, was a hopeless romantic, it made sense that he would be as excited as he was at the moment. It made Jaehwan feel guilty, somehow, to know Hakyeon was all excited and wanting to know something that was in reality, nothing at all.

Jaehwan really does regret telling him about the letter, but once again, he didn’t have any idea that everything had been a mistake Kim Wonsik had made back then.

‘’It was nothing, really.’’ Jaehwan confesses, almost like a whisper. He avoids looking into Hakyeon’s eyes, which are sparking in excitement until he hears Jaehwan mutter those four words.

Hakyeon doesn’t think that’s enough information.

‘’Who was it?’’ He asks carefully, leaning in to observe Jaehwan’s face with curiosity on his face.

‘’No one.’’

‘’Oh…’’ Hakyeon seems disappointed, ‘’So he didn’t show up?’’

Jaehwan grimaces, he looks down to his feet and then looks back at Hakyeon, who now has a frown in his face.

‘’No — I mean, he is no one you know,’’ The brunet explains, laughing awkwardly.

Hakyeon laughs loudly, pretends to wipe a fake tear off and then proceeds to glare at Jaehwan, ‘’Lee Jaehwan I know everyone.’’

‘’I mean it’s totally okay if you don’t want to talk about it… I guess…’’ He looks down, seems genuinely sad and shrugs off his shoulders with little energy.

Jaehwan sighs loudly, he’s not sure if this is another act of Hakyeon’s, but he feels guilty, and as he runs a hair through his messy hair, he realizes: seeing Hakyeon moping in front of him was not a pretty thing to do.

‘’It was Kim Wonsik.’’ He admits, and when Hakyeon raises his head, widens his eyes on surprise and draws a broad smile on his face, Jaehwan tries to avoid the eye contact.

‘’But… it wasn’t anything, I swear.’’ He adds, still not looking into Hakyeon’s excited face.

‘’But he’s so cute!’’ Hakyeon exclaims way louder than necessary, ‘’What do you mean it wasn’t anything?’’

Jaehwan lets out a breath, finally decides to stare at the boy in front of him and frowns.

‘’I mean… it was okay, I guess,’’ He says, smiling as he reminisces about the things he had done with Wonsik just yesterday (running away from those obese security guards wasn’t something Jaehwan was expecting from their date), but then he remembers that all of that — the dinner, the flowers, for ’s sake the goddamned violinist were supposed to be for Hongbin, and his smile falters. ‘’But… we didn’t click, I guess.’’

Jaehwan knows he is lying, he knows he is wrong and that he shouldn’t be doing it, but he can’t stop himself. He prefers having Hakyeon like this: a little disappointed, shrugging off his shoulders and muttering a soft ‘’I suppose’’ instead of having him all… depressed and upset and 100% sure about the fact that neither he nor Jaehwan would ever find their ‘’other halves’’. Whether because Jaehwan was a ‘’picky little ’’ or because Hakyeon was ‘’dark and ugly’’.

Now Jaehwan didn’t think any of those things were true.

First of all, he wasn’t picky! Jaehwan doesn’t have a lot of secret admirers as he guesses Lee Hongbin does — actually, he has none compared to Lee Hongbin (Kim Wonsik counts as 1?), but Hakyeon thinks that because Kim Seokjin from Hakyeon’s grade is always smiling at him in the hallways and ‘’intentionally’’ brushing his shoulder against the brunet’s, he is in love with Jaehwan, when Jaehwan is pretty damn sure that the older is straight and just too nice with everybody. This always makes Hakyeon sigh loudly, roll his eyes and explain to him that ‘’his gaydar is never wrong’’ and that ‘’Seokjin doesn’t even say hello to him’’ and that ‘’they’re classmates!’’ and then Jaehwan proceeds to laugh.

Also, Cha Hakyeon wasn't unattractive by any means — he was pretty handsome, if Jaehwan was being honest, at least more than he would ever be. He had pretty, golden skin and soft, lilac hair that kids on the street often compared to cotton candy. His eyes were big, his mouth small — and he had a body even girls would kill for. No — everyone (except Hakyeon himself, Jaehwan guesses and blames it on his surprisingly low self-esteem) knew that Hakyeon's looks weren't a problem when it came to getting himself a boyfriend, but that he was... rather difficult to interact with.

Now Jaehwan doesn't think this either, mostly because they've known each other for years (ever since Hakyeon moved to the house next to his’ when he was just a toddler who couldn’t walk by himself), but people often talk about this loud, flamboyant, cynic self that Jaehwan had always seen as... just Hakyeon and the brunet liked him anyways, so hearing people talk about his neighbor as if it were something negative surprised him the first time he heard about it, but what surprised him the most was Hakyeon's grip on his wrist at the time, muttering a small '’let's go'’ and leaving the room in a hurry.

Cha Hakyeon, as loud and bright and just Hakyeon as he was, was like everyone else in that room at the end of the day: young and confused and hurt. Not everyone realized this.

Let alone Jung Taekwoon, the object of Hakyeon's affection, who was known for being cold and scary and a total . Jaehwan couldn’t manage looking at the boy for more than 5 seconds straight without shuddering from fear (when he said this to Hakyeon, Hakyeon had slapped him in the shoulder and ignored him for a whole day, ‘’He’s not scary! He’s just misunderstood!’’ He had said, even after Taekwoon rolled his eyes at him, passed without saying anything. ‘’Are you sure he knows who you are?’’ Jaehwan had asked, and only managed to receive another slap from Hakyeon. ‘’We’re classmates, Jaehwan!’’ It sounded like that was the excuse Hakyeon always used for everything nowadays).

Jaehwan wishes Hakyeon didn’t felt like he had to find ‘’his other half’’ in order to feel complete.

Jaehwan stares at Hakyeon fondly, at his lilac hair sticking to his forehead and the pink, faint blush on his cheeks from having P.E. class before arriving to the lockers, and he shrugs off his shoulders, tightens his grip on his backpack.

‘’Also he’s younger than me,’’ Jaehwan scrunches up his nose in disgust, ‘’I like older men.’’

Hakyeon raises his eyebrows, an amused smile playing on his lips.

‘’First of all, ew.’’ He laughs, raises his index finger so Jaehwan doesn’t interrupt him and shakes his head, disapproving, ‘’And, what for, anyways? I’m pretty sure Kim Wonsik is more experienced than you.’’

‘’Actually I’m pretty sure everyone is more experienced than you.’’ Hakyeon corrects himself; he lets out a small giggle when Jaehwan playfully pushes him back, and sighs.

‘’You know… Wonsik is Taekwoon’s friend…’’ He mumbles, side-eyes Jaehwan when the younger glares at him, ‘’Maybe you could… introduce him to me?’’

‘’I thought you knew each other?’’ Jaehwan says, lets out a small laugh when Hakyeon rolls his eyes dramatically, ‘’I just… I don’t think I’ll talk to Kim Wonsik ever again, Hakyeon, if I’m being honest.’’ He finishes off his sentence, but the older is not even paying attention to what he is saying, looking past Jaehwan with a knowing smirk on his face (and God, how Jaehwan hates Cha Hakyeon’s knowing smirk).

‘’I’m not so sure about that…’’ Hakyeon says, and points behind Jaehwan, who sighs in annoyance as he turns around only to find himself… in front of Kim Wonsik.

Jaehwan’s breath gets caught on his throat, which he immediately releases once he realizes he’s making a fool out of himself, and puts a strained smile on his face.

Because Kim Wonsik is right in front of him — way closer than Jaehwan would ever want him to be — wearing his school blazer all wrong, he has no tie on and his white shirt was more ed than it should be… Jaehwan smiles slightly at the observation, and then looks up to Wonsik, who seems to be as entertained watching Jaehwan as Jaehwan was watching the younger.

‘’… Hi.’’ Wonsik speaks first; he has a small smile on his lips, and only looks to Hakyeon for a couple of seconds before looking back at Jaehwan, tilting his head to the side.

Hakyeon seems to… somehow catch on this, raising his eyebrows in amusement and grinning at Jaehwan as he says something about Chemistry and Mr. Yang and things Jaehwan knows and are lies.

… Could it be? Jaehwan wonders, could he have left a strong impression on Wonsik after yesterday? Could it be that Wonsik was here to ask him out again?

Is he going to say yes?

The brunet bites on his lower lip to prevent a smile from drawing on his face, and looks up to Wonsik, he gulps down.

‘’Hi.’’

‘’Jaehwan…’’ Wonsik starts talking; he looks shy, and terribly awkward — avoiding Jaehwan’s eyes all of a sudden, it makes Jaehwan anxiously wonder what Wonsik’s next words are going to be, ‘’I’ve been thinking and…’’ He mutters, and Jaehwan smiles.

He’s definitely going to ask him out again.

‘’I still don’t understand it,’’ The raven-haired says, ‘’Did Hongbin sent you yesterday or why did you arrive instead of him?’’

.

Jaehwan’s smile disappears, he lets out a breath and looks down to his feet in shame, admitting to himself he had been expecting too much.

It’s not like he cares, anyway, he thinks.

‘’It’s just…’’ Wonsik adds, ‘’You didn’t finish telling me yesterday and I’m really curious since… it was something special for me…’’

The brunet nods to Wonsik words, he looks up to face the younger again and tries to draw a small smile on his lips.

‘’Look… Hongbin didn’t send me yesterday…’’ Jaehwan starts, but regrets it as soon as he sees Wonsik’s disappointed face, ‘’… so you don’t have to worry about Hongbin making me go only so I could reject you.’’ He says, raising both of his hands in the air.

‘’The truth is…’’ He sighs, and then looks at Wonsik and his expectant, scared eyes.

‘’I… stole the letter.’’ Jaehwan lies; he drops his shoulders and frowns when he sees confusion on the younger’s face. He understands Wonsik — he is confused as well, why the hell had he just done that?

He doesn’t know. But the next lies flow out of his mouth like water.

‘’I mean — I know Hongbin, you know? We’re like… totally close friends,’’ He continues, ‘’So I know that he wouldn’t have taken your confession seriously. I mean, really? A letter? He receives hundreds of them every day.’’

There’s an indescribable expression on Wonsik’s face, and Jaehwan is afraid he’s pissed off at him, so he clears his throat — doesn’t know why he keeps on going.

‘’But I read the letter and… I liked it. I really think you’re different, Wonsik.’’ Jaehwan says, and gives Wonsik a small, genuine smile, ‘’So I decided to… help you out.’’

‘’Because I totally know Hongbin and… I know what he likes.’’

Wonsik looks amused, and it makes Jaehwan feel like he’s been caught lying, but the raven-haired just gives him the widest smile Jaehwan has seen from him so far and shakes the elder’s shoulders.

‘’Would you really do that for me, Jaehwan?’’ Wonsik asks, he seems happy, slightly jumping around in his place.

Jaehwan smiles back, ‘’… Of course.’’

‘’I’m your hyung after all, aren’t I?’’

Jaehwan can’t believe the words coming out of his own mouth.

＼（ ● ⌒ ∇ ⌒ ● ）／

Lee Jaehwan has always thought there’s no a place more comfortable to sleep in than his desk at the end of the AP Literature classroom. Right now, the lights are completely off and the sound of the old television playing the original version of The Great Gatsby served him as a lullaby. Instead of sheep, Jaehwan is counting green lights. Mr. Choi, the young, new teacher that everyone seemed to like (way too much, in Hakyeon’s case) was busy with his phone, and everyone was either watching the movie with hearts in their eyes, wondering when they’d find their Gatsby (and totally overseeing what the point of The Great Gatsby was after all), or trying to have a quick nap like Jaehwan.

Stress on trying.

Because even though Jaehwan has tried to do everything (listening to music, putting a book in front of him to cover up his face — hell, he had even taken out a blanket from his backpack) he couldn’t manage to fall asleep like he usually does. He knows it has to do with the bunch of lies he had decided to tell Hakyeon and Kim Wonsik, his mind had been working the past 30 minutes to find how to first, talk to Lee Hongbin and second, manage to convince him to date Wonsik and do all of that without looking suspicious to Hakyeon, but everything he’s thought of so far is either ridiculous or definitely not going to work. He sighs — loudly, doesn’t care about the fact Hakyeon is looking daggers at him from the other side of the room (he’s one of the people who thinks their green lights are their stupid, forgettable high school crushes) and buries his face on his desk, annoyed.

Jaehwan then turns his face, cheek pressed against the cold, wood material his desk was made of, and looks to his right to see the person next to him, who was staring at Jaehwan right in the eyes; gaze not hesitating when Jaehwan frowns in confusion.

Jung Taekwoon has his head tilted to the side, an unreadable expression on his face as he looks at Jaehwan — it makes the brunet shiver, really, but he doesn’t know what’s worse, that or the smirk he sends his way when he realizes he’s staring as well.

Jaehwan scrunches up his nose and makes the older boy raise an eyebrow in amusement.

‘’How did your date with Wonsik go?’’ Taekwoon whispers to him, and Jaehwan blames their desks for being too close from each other (he can’t pretend he didn’t hear, even though Taekwoon’s voice had been really small), the brunet rolls his eyes and then Taekwoon shakes his head, still smirking when the bell rings. Jaehwan stands up as quick as the class is over, starting to pack up his things almost immediately and fast.

‘’Why are you leaving in such a hurry?’’ Taekwoon asks Jaehwan, it startles the brunet and annoys him to death and God; he hopes Hakyeon has left already for his daily dance practices because he’d be pestering him for days about The Ever So Great Jung Taekwoon (sarcasm) talking to him in Literature class. Jaehwan looks around the classroom, and is relieved when he realizes that the only people left in the room are Taekwoon, him and Mr. Choi, who’s still on his phone.

‘’… I’m not.’’ Jaehwan replies shortly, he’s struggling with a stubborn book that’s refusing to enter to his backpack, and the brunet is stressed and nervous and it, he sighs when the book falls to the floor.

Of course it had to be ing Calculus.

‘’I just really want to go home.’’ He says in a mutter, surprised when he sees Taekwoon bending down to grab Calculus 101 from the floor.

‘’…Don’t we all?’’ Taekwoon asks, handing Jaehwan his book over (to which the younger mumbles a small ‘thank you’), ‘’Mind if I join you?’’

Jaehwan frowns, but nods nonetheless.

And why did he nod just now?

He sighs, enjoys the silence and prefers it when Taekwoon is not talking like a character from some sort of teenage, sappy movie with a dialogue and the fact that the black-haired boy hasn’t asked any questions about Wonsik.

They’re walking down the halls slowly, Jaehwan is looking down his feet in shame, doesn’t even know why, but he feels like Taekwoon knows everything about Thursday, wonders if Wonsik had laughed with Taekwoon about him, and frowns.

The entrance of the school is crowded as ever as they try to leave, but as soon as everyone looks to Taekwoon, notice his presence in the room, they move over so he’s be able to pass through the doors easily. It makes Jaehwan laugh in disbelief, even more because it looks like Taekwoon is totally oblivious this has happened because of him.

It’s the perks of being Jung Taekwoon — captain of the soccer team and one of the most popular guys in school — Jaehwan guesses.

‘’Has Wonsik said anything to you… about me?’’ Jaehwan asks, he’s fidgeting with the sleeves of his oversized knit sweater and avoiding Taekwoon’s sharp gaze on him.

‘’Not really.’’ The older says, this frustrates Jaehwan and makes him wonder if he’d prefer thousands of questions and a loud conversation like the one he’d had with Hakyeon just a few hours before.

Jaehwan nods with his head, and stops in his tracks to stare at the playground both he and Hakyeon used to spend their days in when they were little, looks at the old, red swings where he’d slightly scraped his knee from jumping out, and remembers how a 6-year old Cha Hakyeon, scrawnier and smaller than Jaehwan as he’d always been, had been determined to carry the younger all the way to his house. Jaehwan smiles at the memory. He’d never realized that the playground now looked so… blue lately, even if they were on spring right now. Jaehwan bites on his lower lip as he then takes a look at Taekwoon, who’s still looking at him. It makes him feel uneasy.

‘’I think I’m going to stay here for a while…’’ Jaehwan mumbles; points at the lonely swings in the center of the park and smiles just slightly. ‘’Do y—

‘’I’ll join you.’’ Taekwoon interrupts him, he stretches his arms out and lets Jaehwan lead the way.

Jaehwan doesn’t even try to convince the older and just nods, walks towards the swings in a fast pace so Taekwoon can’t take his swing, now rusty and pale.

Taekwoon doesn’t seem to realize this as he sits in the swing next to his’, he’s not looking at Jaehwan now, and it makes him wonder… what is it that he wants from him, really?

The brunet lets out a sigh, and lights up when he remembers the chocolate bar he’d stolen from Hakyeon in recess.

‘’Where did you have that?’’ Taekwoon asks Jaehwan, seemingly amused at him for having taken out a chocolate bar out of his sweater.

Jaehwan lets out a small laugh, and shrugs.

Taekwoon his teeth, takes the chocolate bar off from Jaehwan before he can even bite on it and puts it on his lap.

‘’Spill it, Lee Jaehwan.’’ The older says, he’s still not looking at Jaehwan, and it manages to annoy the brunet.

The younger frowns, ‘’Why is everyone telling me to spill things today? What the hell does that even mean?’’

Taekwoon raises a questioning eyebrow.

‘’Fine.’’ Jaehwan sighs, drops his shoulders.

He looks at Taekwoon, who’s looking at the distance with a peaceful expression in his face, and grimaces.

‘’I… I was happy that someone finally had shown some interest in me.’’

‘’The way Wonsik talked about Hongbin…’’ The brunet looks down to his lap, turns his hands into fists, ‘’I wanted someone to talk about me like that.’’

‘’I should’ve known… I mean, it was too good to be truth, you know?’’ He asks, knows Taekwoon doesn’t know, but says it anyways, and smiles.

‘’My smile doesn’t make anyone light up, neither my laugh slows down the time,’’ Jaehwan lets out a laugh as he remembers Wonsik’s ridiculous metaphors, ‘’When I arrived Wonsik… he didn’t even know who I was.’’

Taekwoon sighs.

It makes Jaehwan feel ashamed — makes him realize he shouldn’t have had said those things to Wonsik’s friend, for ’s sake… but then Taekwoon gives him a small smile, and takes a bite out of Jaehwan’s (actually Hakyeon’s, but it really didn’t matter) chocolate bar, and it confuses the hell out of Lee Jaehwan.

Is he going to make fun of him now?

‘’I know,’’ Taekwoon says, ‘’Wonsik told me.’’

The brunet frowns, ‘’Then why did you told me he hadn’t?’’

Taekwoon lets out a sigh, ‘’Look, I know that Wonsik can be quite… senseless sometimes.’’

‘’He’s stupid, that’s what I’m trying to say, I guess.’’ He explains.

‘’But…. Lee Jaehwan?’’ Taekwoon talks again, makes sure Jaehwan is staring at him before he speaks again, ‘’That doesn’t mean you have hurt him back.’’

‘’I really doubt he realized that he was hurting you.’’

Jaehwan furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

‘’Don’t give him false hopes if you really don’t have plans of helping him with Lee Hongbin.’’

‘’Oh, no, no!’’ Jaehwan interrupts, ‘’I really want to help him… but mostly because I’m a little ashamed myself…’’

Taekwoon frowns, ‘’That should be Wonsik, Jaehwan.’’

‘’He did put the letter in the wrong locker after all.’’

Jaehwan raises his eyebrows at this, looks in disbelief at Taekwoon.

‘’… But no one is going to tell him.’’ Jaehwan says, hesitantly.

Taekwoon gives him a small smile, he nods.

‘’I really want to help him, Taekwoon,’’ Jaehwan explains, ‘’Everyone deserves a chance to be with the person they truly love. And Wonsik… he’s really in love with Hongbin, isn’t he?’’

Taekwoon doesn’t answer, and a few seconds pass before any of them talk again.

‘’Do you still have the letter?’’ Taekwoon asks, to which Jaehwan nods without thinking, ashamed, ‘’Can I see it?’’

Jaehwan nods again, he searches in his backpack for the letter for a while, pretends he doesn’t know it is in the small pocket on his bag, exactly there because he was supposed to read it again once he was back in his bedroom and scrunch up his nose at Wonsik’s metaphors that weren't for him even to begin with, and sighs in fake relief when he ‘’finally finds it’’, handing it over to Taekwoon.

‘’Good.’’ Taekwoon mutters, crumbling up the paper into a ball as soon as the letter touches his fingertips. Jaehwan gasps loudly, but he doesn’t say anything.

‘’… And Jaehwan?’’

‘’You deserve to be with someone who truly loves you as well.’’

Taekwoon hesitates to speak, he sighs.

‘’… Someone will talk about you like this someday.’’ He points to the crumpled up letter in his hands, ‘’They’’ll see… stars in your eyes and hear their favorite song in every laugh you let out… or… I don’t really know what you said earlier, if I’m being honest.’’

The black-haired smiles sheepishly at Jaehwan, and it’s a rare sight Jaehwan’s never seen before in school. He wants to take a picture, really, frame it and give it to Hakyeon as a Christmas present, but before he can do that, Taekwoon stands up, grabs his bag and smiles at him again before turning his back to the brunet.

‘’I have to go now…’’ He mumbles, head low as he walks to the complete opposite direction they were supposed to be heading towards.

Jaehwan is too immersed in his thoughts to speak, left speechless on his red, favorite and old swing with the mouth half-open, hands tight on the chains besides him and with a lot of questions in his mind.

But most importantly: Taekwoon, Jaehwan notices, it’s not as bad as he thought he was.