slice of life, coming of age, friendship ; 9 ; story development, characterisation, themes and subtexts

FIRST IMPRESSIONS (15/15)

Title: 5/5

There is no real link to the term 'neverland' yet but I still feel that the story is interconnected with the title. Neverland is a fictional place which resides Peter Pan and Wendy (who are none other than the main characters here), but more than that, it is an imaginary place where no one grows up or gets older, which perfectly fits the 'safe haven' that Junhee has been imagining all along, as well as the theme of the story. 'Define' is also a nice touch to the title; in fact, it allows us (and even the characters in the story) to question the real meaning of Neverland.

There are a few titles that are linked to 'neverland' around AFF but the meaning behind this title is profound. Also, there is a certain dreamy aura surrounding it (it revolving around Neverland after all) which pulls the readers in, thus propelling them to proceed and read the story.

Description & Foreword: 5/5

In my opinion—other than the title—the description and foreword play significant roles to encourage the readers to move on, and honestly, your story has extreemly beautifully-written description and foreword. I will comment on them based on sections. 

First part (Introduction): This part is perfectly relevant and fulfills its role as the beginning. I especially like the last two contradictory statements. I do have a slight nit-pick, however; you can consider italicising certain key words so that the message you want to convey will stand out more.

Second part (Junhee and Junhong to each other): One word: Beautiful. It allows the readers to catch a glimpse of what Junhee and Junhong's relationship and feelings are like, but it does not let go of too much information. The additional quotes surrounding the passage also relate to and support the main passage.

Third part (Characters): Normally, I detest character introductions, but this one gives the readers a bit of background information and how the characters are like.

This is not mere flattery, but I do think that your story's description and foreword are hands-down one of the best in AFF (or at least, from what I have seen in AFF). Great job!

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

Simple and elegant. I barely have any qualms about the layout. All the posters used in the story accompany the story appropriately and are also pleasing to the eye. Actually, I am unsure as to how the background is relevant to the story, but I suppose that it is about the childish memories (the clown face wearing a sailor hat(?) and the adorable jellyfish especially propel me to think so). 


WRITING STYLE (24/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 9/10

Your grammar is almost perfect, but there are some mistakes that you tend to make (mostly, the common errors are incorrect sentence structures but it is understandable, especially considering that your story is a relatively long one). One mistake I also notice is the lack of use of dashes when there should be one in a sentence (instead, you use commas), so do take note of that.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Chapter 15: "A presence, she could feel it, was watching her." - "A presence—she could feel it—was watching her." The first part and the third part are linked together; therefore, dashes should be placed in front and behind of the second part.

Chapter 35: "It was survival instinct, he thought, that had him snarling, reversing their positions so that Junhee now laid beneath him, with his teeth scraping over her lips." - "It was survival instinct, he thought, that had him snarl and reverse their positions so that Junhee now laid beneath him with his teeth scraping over her lips." The first error is a SVA mistake. I have changed the sentence format slightly so that it flows a bit better.

Chapter 36: "Jimin became all giddy and laughing when she pulled away." - As 'laughing' is not an adjective, it would be best replaced by an adjective that had a similiar meaning (e.g. gleeful) or you can write it as such: "Jimin became all giddy; she laughed when she pulled away."

Undoubtedly, you have a flair for the English language as your vocabulary is almost immaculate. Repetition is used appropriately while at other times, there would be suitable variation of words and sentence structures.

Writing Style: 15/15

There really is a lot of use of figurative language (which I appreciate); it helps the readers to visualise the story way better, and in fact, it delivers the characters' emotions, pain and fears in a more sophisticated and effective manner. Every word weaves together to form vivid pictures that engage the readers and allow them to feel and grow together with the characters in the story. Furthermore, you are able to change the tone according to the personalities and ages of the characters which proves your flexibility as a writer.

I really have no qualms regarding the writing style. Amazing job here!


DIGGING DEEPER (43/55)

Characters: 19/25

Before I really get into the characters themselves, I just want to mention that the differentiation of the stage names and the real names is an extremely nice touch because it brings out the difference between the main characters' childish selves and grown-up selves (especially for Zelo whose change is most evident).

Speaking about Zelo, it is obvious that he had grown out of Junhong which is really no surprise considering that he had to undergo puberty as well as adjust with the constant changing of the environment. At the same time, even though he did change in a way or another, a part of Junhong was still retained in his heart. Junhong—as a child—was naive and innocent; he looked up to Junhee and believed that he would make the same decisions as Junhee did (one which was to never grow up). However, he was a normal human being; he saw how adult life was like and grew up in both his physical appearance as well as thinking. 

Although he still loved Junhee, his attitude towards her also changed (from wanting to follow her to wanting her to grow up like him). I guess that is how both Junhee and Junhong were similar; they wished that the other party would change from them, but still, that was a selfish request. Junhee managed to realise that. Anyway, I did think Zelo was portrayed realistically (and it might just be me, but he appeared more childish to me in comparison with Juniel). He wanted to protect himself as he believed that Junhee had betrayed him, and he ended up uttering words that hurt the girl he loved. Nevertheless, considering the circumstances, it was understandable especially for an emotional guy like him.

One part I figured I should point out was the scene where Junhee told Zelo to hurt her, but in the end, he did not do so. That scene there showed that inside him, he still cared for Junhee.

Now directing the attention to none other than Choi Junhee. I thought she was a tad bit unrealistic due to an extremely important factor. Considering how Zelo had treated her, I was really surprised that she had forgiven him so easily. I expected her to blow up eventually but the only time she kinda did was during the part when she wanted Zelo to 'ruin' her. Perhaps she did love Zelo that much to the point that he had to do something absolutely outrageous for her to stop, but that kind of love would have come to an unhealthy point. Other than that, it felt like she was not really affected by the bullying which is kinda strange. There was no way any human being can be immune to bullying especially considering how powerful peer pressure is.

Other than that, I could relate to Junhee pretty well but I do not really consider her as a child. A child would be one that is innocent and oblivious about the negative things but Junhee knew of the negative things; she just wanted to avoid them. I would say that she is deluded in seeing only the positivity and none of the negativity, although it would make sense if she wanted to remain as a child even though she knew she could not. Regardless, Choi Junhee's desire to stay in a place filled with only pleasantries and nothing else was understandable; she does seem like the type who is stubborn to run from the problems and stay in her own safe illusion.

I quite like her development in the story. She initially wanted Junhong to continue being a child (like her) so that she would not be left behind, but later, she gradually accepted the fact that Junhong had changed to Zelo and accepted Zelo. That is the turning point to me when I felt like she had finally seen that Zelo could not force himself to be who he already was not, and although it was late, she managed to accept him. That was how she had grown in her thinking.

One thing I find interesting about Zelo and Juniel is how Zelo is more like Wendy and Juniel is more like Peter Pan. Zelo and Juniel's interactions are interesting to read be it in their childish states or adultish states. Hilariously, I feel like they still bicker as if they are children even in their adultish states. However, I do have one unpopular opinion and that is concerning the angst in the story. It may be just me but it feels like there is only one sole conflict that is stopping their relationship, and that is: Both of them are just too stubborn to get over their past. Of course, I am not implying that multiple problems in a story is a good thing (in fact, it can be just as bad) but I feel that for a chaptered story (especially one that contains many chapters), there should be some development or change so that the story is not solely centred on the same problem. It can get tiring and frustrating fast especially for those with limited attention spans.

Moving on to the side characters, there really are quite a number of secondary characters. I know that they are just side characters but in contrary to what most people may think, sides can have quite an impact to a story. In this case, I feel like some are rather redundant and can detract from the main focus of the story. The people who are significant are just: BAP, Kris, Tao, Zico, Jimin, Choa, Mina and Jongin(?). Regardless, I will comment on them by group:

TEEN TOP: The addition of TEEN TOP does not really affect the story in my opinion. They just seem like extra cameos.

EXO: Probably another unpopular opinion here but I do not think the inclusion of EXO is necessary except maybe for Kris, Tao and to a certain extent, Jongin. Minseok's position is really awkward here because I only remember him as the guy who kinda-liked-Junhee and nothing else. 

Girl's Day and T-ara: Their inclusion kinda annoyed me more than I expected mostly because their antagonist positions seem kinda random. It feels like they have no real impact on the story itself.

Mina and Namjoo: I think Mina is enough as 'one of Zelo's girls', but anyway, I did like Mina's addition. She seemed really stuck-up like the typical antagonist character at first but later, the revelation of her feelings to Junhee was surprising and even caused me to feel sympathy for Mina (That is one time when I disliked Zelo because it felt like he was dragging others into his own problems. Although I can understand it, I still feel like his actions are not really excusable). I am not sure if you are going to bring in Mina at the end but after the camping program, it feels like she has totally disappeared and no proper conclusion is set for her. Then again, she is just a side character so that is not too much of a detriment.

Jimin and Choa: I do not have much to say about them but I really admire their friendship with Junhee; all three of them care for one another even though they did lose contact at a certain point of time.

Block B: I think most of them are not necessary with the exception of Zico. One thing I am curious about is how Zico and the rest of Block B remember who they are reincarnated from. Regardless, Zico is indeed mysterious, but he is a rather fascinating character, like a jigsaw puzzle the readers have to piece to find out. Throughout the story, he does serve as a 'guardian angel' somewhat. However, at the same time, he does feel emotions, hurt and the coldness of reality even though he does not show any of those feelings to others. Not only that, he has continuously supported Youngjae just so that he can live. Their brotherhood really is amazing.

BAP: Unlike some other side characters, I think BAP all has a part to play here although I feel Himchan and Daehyun's presence less strongly than the others. 

The second pairing that the story focuses on other than Juniel and Zelo are none other than Youngjae and Jongup. I do like Youngjae's character; he is like Zelo in the sense that he creates a mask, but different in the sense that he does show care for the members selflessly (though he claims that he is doing it for selfish reasons). My sympathy goes out to him; he has to face the torture of not knowing when he will die (but he will someday), and at the same time, he has very little people around him where he can share his troubles to.

I feel like Jongup is another stubborn person (then again, Youngjae and the two main characters are all too obstinate for their own good). Regardless, he, like Youngjae, is sympathisable. The interactions between Youngjae and him somehow hold a lot of meaning inside them maybe because it seems like they actually understand each other. The development of their relationship really is on-point; it allows the readers to learn more about their personalities and backstories in general as well as their opinions and thoughts of each other.

Plot: 19/25

The main theme of the story is evidently about growing up, but more than that, it is about the struggles when one grows up. Besides that, it is linked to changes (how Zelo and Juniel react to each other vs. how Junhong and Junhee react to each other) as well as acceptance for each other. Through Youngjae, the readers also see the meaning of death in another light; Youngjae may be alive, but he is living his life with fear that in any second, he may actually drop down and die. What is the difference between living a lifeless life and not even living a life at all? That is some food for thought the story has given the readers.

Ultimately, through subtle descriptions and character relationships, you have successfully showed the messages you had intended to convey to the readers; not only that, you have done so in an impactful manner (which can be very difficult for many writers). After reading your story, I feel like I am able to ponder more on the topics mentioned and relate to the story. I guess I, myself, really wish I can be a child again (like Junhee)—but at the same time—I understand the need of having to be independent and learning how to cope with the situations reality present us. After all, escaping will not bring any real impact on anyone. 

Your story is pretty linear all the way but I think that the simple plot is what makes it effective; the main focus is on the characters and their relationships with others. However, like I had mentioned in the Characters section, I feel like the angst part has dragged out a bit too much.

The characters in the story do not really feel like stars to me since their schedules seem quite lax (but then again, I guess some unrealism is fine since the story does have to proceed). Otherwise, your story is fairly believable.

Flow: 5/5

Some people may find the formatting confusing but I actually like how it is formatted; it gives the readers a glimpse of both the past and present equally. Anyway, I think the flow is consistent (although it did feel a bit slow to me at some points).

FINALLY (5/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

This story is really my cup-of-tea; I love these kind of slice-of-life stories that are focused on grooming and exploring the characters as well as the meaning of life in general. Besides, the beautiful language used in the story is another factor for me to give you full marks for this section. 


TOTAL: 87/100 (A)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Seems like I have been reviewing really well-written stories lately. Anyway, once again, I apologise for the delay of the review but I do hope that the feedback here has given you some ideas on how you can improve your story! Thank you for requesting and please do not forget to follow all rules.