royal pursuit by babiesatemydingo



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 5/5
The title is phrased in a unique way, yet at the same time, it stays relevant to the story itself. It doesn't reveal too much about the details of the story either, so it's a pretty fitting title for your story.

Description & Foreword: 6/10
The description, while relevant to the story, has revealed too much information about the story itself. Personally, I think the first paragraph is all right by itself, but the addition of the second paragraph just spoils too much about the story (implying that Jongin will like the princess later on and that the 'princess' is a man/Kyungsoo). It would be better if you remove the second paragraph and maybe rewrite some parts of the first paragraph to make your description seem more intriguing:
Having been exiled from Korea, Jongin only wanted one thing.
Revenge.
And when the Korea's princess was visiting his home country, he had the perfect opportunity.
Unfortunately, just like many things in Jongin's life, things didn't go according to plan.
But maybe, Jongin was thankful that they don't, especially when there was a lovely surprise waiting for him.

Characters: 12/20
Jongin is a character that started off bitter with hatred; after all, he was separated from his family thanks to the royals. The reason why he was banished wasn't really explained in the story which is a pity since it can actually change the readers' impressions of the characters in many ways. For instance, if Jongin was banished due to making a minor mistake, then perhaps we would be able to sympathise more with Jongin's situation. On the other hand, if Jongin was banished due to committing a major offense, then we can see Jongin as someone who is somewhat unreasonable (which may not be a bad thing depending on how you want his character to develop). It is understandable why he wanted revenge, but I feel like the odd turn in events (when Jongin decided he wouldn't kill Baekhyun because he was 'fluffy and cute') was a bit funny, and on the negative side, ridiculous. His reaction just didn't seem believable (even if he liked cute stuff) and it would be more reasonable if he decided to spare Baekhyun's life due to the fact that he didn't like killing people.
I like his interactions with the characters (Funny that people are calling him stupid but he is insistent on the fact that he is a genius. Hah.) I don't know if you're aiming more on the realism/humor, and while seeing two supposing enemies bickering like children isn't really a common scene, the characters are still pretty hilarious nonetheless. His change of character (from being so determined to kill the princess to ashamed about his behavior) is great; in fact, it kind of adds depth to his character. At the end, however, I find it strange that he decided to have with Kyungsoo considering that he technically still views him as the princess, someone that's part of the royals whom he hated. One day was way too short for them to like or be so attracted to each other, not when they both had bad impressions of each other at the first place.
Talking about Kyungsoo, I feel like I don't know him very much (except the fact that he is a smart person who doesn't take any ). As with Jongin, his acceptance to with Jongin is quite unbelievable. Isn't he upset with the guy who nearly took his life? The ending where he decided to stay with Jongin made no sense too, regardless whether he had much to return to Korea for (pretty sure he needed permission first since he was a guard working for the royals after all).
The side characters were fun additions and made the story more enjoyable. The problems probably lie in the rushed romance which is understandable considering that your story is a one-shot, nevertheless, it would be great if Jongin and Kyungsoo's relationship is developed further.

Plot: 11/20
The concept is pretty common, but I like how the story is set up and the setting in general; it gives the story a very unique style. Realism-wise, there is nothing extremely unbelievable though I do wonder about some parts of the story. Are the guards just leaving the princess to wander around herself with no one to protect her? If so, what if anything is happen to the princess? Wouldn't the guards be blamed for that then? Another thing is about Kyungsoo's decision to stay in the country which has already been mentioned in the Characters section.
I've always liked historical stories since there is a hint of culture in such stories. Besides, they also add variety to our stories which are set in the normal setting or in any fantasy setting. Unfortunately, I feel that not much of the culture of England/Korea is shown here maybe due to the length of the story, but nevertheless, I appreciate the different setting.
Moving on to the plot itself, I feel that while the story is indeed humourous in ways, there isn't a very significant meaning behind it. Sure, we get lovely action between Jongin and our witty "princess", but that's basically it. What's the ultimate message of the story? What does the story like to portray? Ultimately, the story is nice for a casual read, but I'd say it fails to impact me on a deeper emotional level. 

Flow: 4/5
As mentioned, the flow is pretty rushed when it comes to the development of the relationship between Kyungsoo and Jongin. The POV stays consistent as 3rd POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
Something I notice is that the tense in the story is different from the tense used in the foreword. Is there a particular reason for this?
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
There are little grammatical errors; the mistakes I see are mostly sentence structure errors. 
"Never again would his father praise him with a fond smile and a hearty pat on the back for a job well done." - 'would' wouldn't be a suitable word to use since it sounds like the father is given a choice. The last bit is underlined because the whole part can be rephrased to allow the sentence to be written more impactfully. "Never again could he hear his father praise him, see his father smile fondly at him, or feel his father's hearty pat on his back for a job well done."
You have a slight tendency to write sentences that are fragments. A way to identify a fragment is to read your sentence aloud and see if it is missing anything. For instance: "One meaningful look to his friends waiting behind the trees and they knew to be ready." is a fragment, therefore, you can rewrite it as "He cast one meaningful look to his friends waiting behind the trees, and they knew that they had to be ready."
Occasionally, you would miss commas which can break the flow of your sentences, so do take note of that.
I have nothing much to say about your vocabulary because the word choice is mostly perfect and I feel that there is barely any repetition in sentence structures which makes the whole reading process more enjoyable. Keep up the good work on that aspect!

Description & Emotions: 9/10
Your writing style is sophiscated which fits the era the fanfic is set in. The way the scenes are described make the story feel alive and I love the figurative language you would occasionally use for the story. However, I do feel that the emotional aspect of the story is lacking; as I read through the narration of Jongin's past, I didn't really feel anything after all. Nevertheless, that somehow fits the style of your story.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The format is neat and organized in general.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
As I mentioned in the Plot section, the story is great, but if you're aiming for an emotional impact, then it does fall somewhat short.

Total: 72/100 //C (=) 
The scene is detailed with the characters' actions, but like some of the scenes I've read before and like what I had mentioned before, there isn't much emotional impact. However, I like how the humor is also added into the scenes. Thanks for requesting, and do not forget to follow all the rules!

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