Perhaps I don't know when it started, but you sensed we were falling apart. I was always in denial, saying "We're fine" and "It's nothing much, stop worrying". But doesn't reality served us this break up dish wonderfully? The ending was crass, everything was messed up and I was left in ruins I never thought could be possible. It was a time I'll always regret, and a time I'll wish to always do over. I'll be better, I would listen and I would hold you tightly to not let you go.

But the me then was self absorbed. He was a selfish prick who only cared about himself. He got himself the most wonderful thing in his life and he never appreciated it, not even once. He only knew to complain and pile his angel with burden. He never listened to what his angel laments, and never put it to heart. He got into meaningless fights and never made attempts to patch up. He just pushed his angel to his limits and didn't try taking back his harsh words. He was only absorbed in his work, and he was such a fool to let him go. Such a careless and reckless jerk, was it even me?

All those we've done in those good times never made up for the times I've made sour. Those magical moments lasted shorter than breathing, and those fights lasted longer than the cold winters. Why was I such a fool? I was an idiot. He was such sunshine to my life, and all  did was to hack at his positivity. I broke him down and extinguished the light shining into my life. What can I do now, only to watch you keep suffering from the me I now hate so much?

I wish time would go back, back to when you didn't meet me. At the least you won't be hurt and scarred. We would have never crossed paths and caused each other to break. Were you actually my curse? I would have avoided you if I knew to not cause each other's downfalls. I suppose you would be taking it better than me, because I cut you loose before anything major would happen.

I still remembered that day I made my decision. It was a sunny day, with no signs of downpour. A wonderful day, for a date. I blew you off. I started cutting contact with you, saying I was busy. You might have already known where this might go, but you held on. Foolishly you believed in me, in our love that was strong. But it was crumbling fast, and I just added fire to burn it up. I don't want more than just a friend, I told you that day. Tears were welling up in your eyes but I just cut the chase and told you upfront. "I thought we were more-" you started.

"Are we?" I said in a cold tone, cutting off your next words. I worry if you said more, I would have given in and everything will be alright. Nothing's alright, nothing at all. Everything's a mess I've dragged you into, and you have no need to go in further with me. I've enough of trying to stop you from protecting me. I want to start protecting you too, in my own way you'll never understand. So, just take the clue won't you?

You stood up and exhaled shakily. I closed my eyes and laid back on the couch, not wanting to see the scene unfolding in front of me. I don't want to regret at this last moment, and all I'm wishing is you to go out so I can finally cry freely. Call me a jerk, but this is all for you. Even if you don't remember, I'll just be the one reliving this fantasy of dreams. I could