-3-

“Mind telling me where you are and how long you’re going to stay there, Youngjae?” his brother said on the other end of the phone

“I’m fine Himchan, I just wanted to visit the old orphanage, maybe see the changes or something, and I guess I’ll stay here for a solid month? It depends” Youngjae answered while wiping his hair dry.

“It’s nice to tell me that you went back to Korea before you arrived” Himchan responded with a hint of annoyance in his tone

“I forgot okay”

“Whatever, what’s done is done anyway.” Himchan said as both men laughed at each end of the line.

Youngjae cleared his throat and wondered if he should ask about Elise, the girl he used to love.

“How’s –“ He said before his nervousness got the best of him and stopped his words.

“How’s?”

“How’s Elise?” He said, pretending to sound nonchalant.

“Good good, she’s fine”

Youngjae hummed in response

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her” His brother reassured him

It’s not that Youngjae doesn’t trust Himchan, he just wanted to know if they were fine, especially her since she doesn’t really know that he left.

“I know you will”

He said in response as he smiled, remembering the times they were together as kids.

“Gotta go now, I’ll message you later old man” he said as he hung up when he heard his brother hum on the other line.

He tossed his phone on the couch as soon as he ended the call. He looked at the mirror and thought about his appearance. Maybe Elise didn’t like him because he’s not as handsome as his brother. Or maybe he doesn’t have the same fashion sense as Himchan’s. Maybe she didn’t like his stature, his voice, his body, his personality, everything about him. Or maybe she just didn’t like him because he was adopted.

“Stop!” he said to himself as he closed his eyes shut and lightly pounded the wall.

He looked at himself in the mirror and fixed his stature. Looking straight into his eyes, he mumbled a few words of encouragement and nodded to himself, determined to see once more the humble abode that nurtured him during his youth. He slightly adjusted his fuzzy jacket and took his phone from the couch. He looked once more at the mirror and smiled, ecstatic to see the aunties who took care of him before.

He went out of his apartment and casually placed his earphones on both ears and listened to the song he loves. The soft melody of the piano started to play as his steps started to follow the tempo. The wind then softly touched his faced making him smile.

“What if, what if we run away

What if, what if we left today”

He sang softly as he walked towards the bus stop. He remembered the days of his youth as he listened to the acoustic version of his favorite song. He remembered the story of the auntie who took care of him on how he was left there on the doorstep of the orphanage in the middle of a cold winter night, a note taped on the basket with his date of birth. He remembered how much of a pain he was to the auntie whenever he didn’t want to take a bath, to eat, to stop playing outside; he was such a mischievous child. He chuckled to himself as he remembered those days as a kid without a single problem and care to the world. When the bus came, he went in and immediately sat down after paying for the fare. He sat on an empty seat next to the window and let himself be immersed in the music.

“My youth, my youth is yours

Runaway now and forevermore”

He sang along softly while looking at the sky that turned a bit gloomy. He remembered the friends he had in that small dwelling, two friends, a girl and a boy whose names he had forgotten a few years back. For 13 years, he wasn’t able to keep in touch after he was adopted. He wanted to call but as time passed by, he forgot the numbers that made up the orphanage’s telephone. He wanted to see them all, and maybe, just maybe, the auntie that took care of him was still there, and perhaps ask where his friends were.

As minutes went by, the bus finally stopped at the familiar corner of the street. He went down immediately and recalled the few turns he had to make before he reached the small orphanage. But as he was finally approaching its exact location, he found only a vacant lot where it used to be. He looked at it carefully and asked repeatedly to himself if he made a mistake. He frantically looked around and was more than sure that he was at the right place.

“Where’s the orphanage?” he asked himself out of frustration, trying his best to calm down

“Haven’t you heard?” a girl said from behind him

He immediately turned around and looked at the girl with a bemused expression.

“Heard what?” he asked

“Well, a few years back, maybe 5 or 6 years ago? A fire started at dawn and burned the whole orphanage down” she answered as she walked on the empty lot

“Although my mother wanted to rebuild it for the children, we didn’t have enough money to do so”

“Didn’t you think of other ways? Fundraising? Charity? Anything?” he asked with a rather aggravated tone

“Of course we looked for ways. But only having a few people willing to help, it wasn’t enough. The children were taken to another orphanage, and the staff had to find another job.”

Youngjae looked at the lot and bit his lips, trying his best to not let a tear crawl out of his eyes. To think that he was so excited to see his old home, only to find out that it was burned to ashes years ago. He let out a sigh, upset from everything that was happening. But as he turned around a few times, the girl squinted her eyes and looked at him with curiosity.

“You look familiar” she said while pointing her chin

He looked at her and tried to remember who the girl was. Was she his childhood friend? The girl he used to be with ever since she came? The girl that called him ‘myoo’ as they grew up?

“Youngjae! You’re Youngjae right?” she asked happily

He nodded in response, still wondering who she was.

“Oh come on, don’t tell me you forgot me?” she said, smiling widely while walking towards him

“It’s me! Emma! Gyongsi’s daughter?”

He tilted his head and tried to remember who she was.

“Gyongsi? The auntie who raised me in the orphanage?” He asked

A smile formed on his face when the girl nodded her head vigorously. She hugged him tightly as she remembered the little boy that she used to play with when they were young. Youngjae hugged her back, happy that someone from his past remembered him.

“I almost didn’t recognize you. You’re so big now you’re even taller than me” she complained

He laughed at her complaint and mushed her face.

“I have so much to tell you noona!” he smiled as he did so, doing what he used to do when they were kids

“I know an ice cream shop nearby, my treat” she said, nudging the younger man's arm with her elbow.

As they went to the shop, Youngjae told Emma everything that happened while he was in America and the reason why they migrated there. Apparently, his adoptive parents had an annulment 4 years after he was adopted because of his father’s infidelity. In order to protect him and his brother, their mother decided to take them there and live with their aunt. After a few months, they moved out and lived peacefully.

“That sounds crazy, you were like 10 that time, right? No wonder you didn’t contact us after that” she said as she took a scoop of her classic banana sundae.

“Yep, crazy and traumatic. Everything was so new and we were looked down on back then, but look at us now” he said proudly as he poked his chocolate gelato.

“I’m proud of you little brother” she said as she pinched Youngjae’s cheeks

As the two childhood friends were catching up with their past, visiting old memory lane, Mirae looked at her camera and reminisced about the moments she and Yongguk spent. He was a model, and she was his photographer. But even though he modeled various clothes and products, he had a passion for music and pursued it as an underground rapper. She remembered how he would rap and sing for her when they were kids, how he would write the lyrics for a night, and present it the next day.

“Jepp Blackman” she whispered as she smiled to herself

She supported him with his passion, and so did he. She loves photography ever since they were young. She remembered how she would often do a lot of chores and earn a few pennies until it was enough to buy a camera. Not knowing that she needed film, Yongguk took out some of his own and bought her one. From then on, she took pictures of everything that was memorable to her. Their first day of school, their first date, when they first held hands, their first kiss, every single moment that they were together, and the day he asked her hand in marriage.

She sighed as she looked at the pictures and memories they shared together. She gently placed her camera on top of her wooden cabinet, right next to the very first camera she had, and took out a box that was hidden underneath that same furniture. The white box was delicately designed with white roses, printed on the cardboard lightly. She gently placed it on her bed and slowly opened it, revealing a beautiful white gown that she was supposed to wear on their wedding day.

For the second time, she wore it and presented it elegantly. She looked at the mirror and saw how beautiful she would’ve been on their wedding day. Graceful swirls filled her lacy sleeveless high neck top from her neck to her waist as it showed off her beautiful arms. A silver silk sash was then tied around her waist, exactly where the lace ended. And a simple silk skirt that dropped from her waist to her feet made the gown look so simple yet so elegant.

She looked at her reflection carefully as she gazed on her own eyes, lips, and body. She smiled bitterly to herself when she thought about happily ever after and how she used to tell him her dream of marrying a prince. A memory of her youth, of when they were young, dreaming of her own wedding. She took it off as soon as she can, placed it in the box and hid it underneath her cabinet. She glanced at the clock and saw that she has a few more minutes until midnight. She took out her antidepressants as she lied down on her bed, thinking well enough if she should do this.

“What if it doesn’t work?” she asked herself as she repeatedly opened and closed the bottle.

She looked at the clock once more and nodded to herself. For the last time, she opened the bottle and took out 6 pills. Swallowing them all at once, she drank a glass of water and slept, wishing that her suffering would end that same night.

I am both proud and disappointed ><