I watch the leaves fall by my window in such a pleasant autumn day, five years since our group disbanded, five years since we all decided to finally go by our own way and follow our own path, five years since I’ve been by my very own. At first I thought it would be easy to keep being in the media since I had tons of solo activities in the past, but then I realised it was just too much for me.

 

I used to be SNSD’s Taeyeon but not anymore, SNSD is history now, more than ten years together as a group, together, good times and laughs were shared at first, the feeling of youth, the feeling of being complete, the feeling that you could do anything and if you failed you didn’t have to worry because you knew you would be able to make up for it later and learn from it, but as the years passed, if you made one mistake it was crucial, others would take advantage of it and use it against you to make you fall.

 

Opinions started to have more impact. You couldn’t rely on some others anymore to save you, you had to stand for yourself, of course there were the ones who supported you, your fans, your friends, your groupmates, but at the end people would only look at the failures and believe fake stories, because they tend to think the more you want to believe in something that doesn’t hold the truth, the more it will actually become reality.

 

You couldn’t show how you felt about the situation, you couldn’t make them know you cried, you just couldn’t show any kind of weakness, attention seeker, that’s what they would call you, ‘you think you are the victim’, that’s what they would say about you, but no matter how hard you tried to make them understand you are only human, they will be stubborn because you are famous, someone known by everyone, especially if you were part of the nation’s group, the biggest group in history, the group tons of people looked up to.

 

Of course you couldn’t be your own true self, you had to hide the most important things of you in the shadows and depths of your heart, trust issues everywhere, you could only count on a few people, but even though you know they are there, you can’t help but feel like you are alone. Sometimes just because you’ve been together with someone for more than ten years doesn’t mean you’ll fully understand them, it doesn’t mean you’ll know absolutely everything about them. Secrets are always there, things we can’t share, feelings we can’t communicate.

 

A departure is sure hard, especially because of all those mistakes which led to it, but it also helps you to become stronger, the process is bitter, and it won’t leave you alone to the point you aren’t able to forgive yourself, you try to be strong, show the world you can stand still and be successful, you have to show them that you can still be yourself and that you won’t be affected by it just because your majors told you to avoid it. There are times when you think you got over it, you feel free once again, just like the old days, you smile and enjoy, you feel like you can be yourself, but then memories haunt you during those times when you feel the loneliest and aren’t able to leave your mind.

 

Rumours come and go, just like the wind, some of them will stay there forever, people will still believe them, when they try to understand you they just don’t get it, they try to justify them with what the media and sites want them to believe in, delusion can blind people, it can take over it to the point they just get obsessed and won’t trust anything, even the truth.

 

But asides from all those things, the worst feeling is when you loved someone and you just let them go in the most selfish way, even when you know they love you, you couldn’t do anything about it, decided to act like nothing ever happened and forget all those good times you spent with them just because you don’t want to get hurt, yet you perfectly knew you would get stabbed in the back at the end but your pride just wouldn’t let you admit it. And after all these years you still think of them every single day, especially those lonely days when you stay at home and you realise once again that your life is a mess.

 

Just when you realise your past was just full of illusions and platonic thoughts, you thought you had the happiness you had always longed for but you actually didn’t, but you also come to know you had that true happiness knocking at your door but you didn’t let it in. Just like when you’re totally oblivious and also blinded by that so called delusion.

 

2004

 

“Taeyeon, let me introduce you to Stephanie Hwang, she’ll be your new roommate, she’s from America, her Korean isn’t perfect yet but she can still easily communicate” my vocal coach said. The fifteen year old Tiffany was standing right behind my coach trying to hide herself from me, she looked pretty cute, my coach stood back and patted her so she could introduce herself properly.

 

“Hi, you can call me Tiffany, nice to meet you and please take care of me” she said with a trembling voice and broken korean and bowing down showing respect and I found it adorable.

 

“I’m Taeyeon, nice to meet you too” I replied bowing down as well, we stayed that way for a few seconds until the coach cleared .

 

“Now if you excuse me, I’ll go, please take care of each other and Tiffany treat yourself as if you were at home” she smiled and left. We stood outside my room staring at each other, I looked at her face, her rounded nose was cute, she was so beautiful, at that time I thought I had never seen someone as beautiful as her, I shook my head to stop thinking those things and noticed her big pink suitcase.

 

“Let me help you with your stuff” I spoke breaking the silence between us and took her suitcase bring her into my room. She followed me and I showed her where she would be sleeping, she thanked me and I gave her a small tour around showing her the other two rooms and the bathroom, we talked about some stuff, mostly about music, like our favorite singers and our aspirations, it was a pretty simple yet enjoyable conversation. After a few minutes she excused herself to go shower.

 

After she came out she started to organize her stuff, she set some pink bedsheets and pillow cases along with pink plushies.

 

“So I see you like pink” I said as I saw how she carefully set everything on its place. She smiled at me shyly and tried to avoid my gaze.

“Yeah, it’s my favorite color, I guess it’s kind of obvious” she said and let the cutest giggle out, which caused me to smile.

 

As days passed by I was more used to being roommates with Tiffany, she was the most interesting girl ever, her manners and the way she did stuff, I was pretty much mesmerised by her, it was just so pleasant to me to see her, it brought a smile to my face everyday I woke up and saw her, the way she laughed and I thought it couldn’t get better until I saw her eye smile, it was just wonderful, something I would definitely become addicted to in the future.

 

One day I came back from my vocal practice and I heard some sniffs inside our room, when I came in, I saw her on her bed with her face buried on her pillow, that was the first time I felt like something in my heart broke, even if I didn’t know what happened to her or why she was like that I couldn’t help but feel hurt by just looking at her like that.

 

“What happened? Did you hurt yourself or something?” I asked her worryingly as I approached to her to put my hand on her back, she shook her head and kept her position

“Care to talk about it?” I questioned once again but she said nothing, I just stood there caressing her back in order to show support until she spoke

“I want to be alone for a few more minutes” her voice was weak but I totally understood and went out of the room closing the door in my way.

 

I patiently waited for any signals in the small living room, I thought she might be hungry so I decided to cook some noodles for her, I was the best cook yet, but I surely liked it, it was something I enjoyed. When I finished my cooking duties, Tiffany came out of the room just in time, her face was red from all that crying, you could perfectly still see her watery eyes, she just took there not coming near.

 

“Taeyeon, can I hug you?” When I heard that I immediately went to her and embraced her in my arms, I held her tightly as if my life depended on it, she returned the hug and buried her face on the crook of my neck. In that moment I knew I would never want to let her go, that I wanted to be with her and protect her, that I didn’t want to see her suffer from anything.

 

“Do you want to talk now? I prepared some noodles because I thought you might be hungry, we can eat it while you explain” I said hoping she would finally open herself and she nodded in response, I got the noodles and gave her a good portion of it, she tasted them and that’s when her eye smile showed and my heart skipped a beat.

 

“They are so good, thank you” I felt like the happiest person alive, I also had the biggest smile, I felt like an idiot grinning that way.

“Anything for you” I said under my breath, she kept eating happily and when she was almost done with the plate she looked at me and groaned trying to get her frustration away.

 

“Okay I’m ready, I was crying because I missed my dad” she spoke as she looked the other way avoiding my eyes.

“It’s alright, it must be hard for you, especially since you are so far away from your home” I told her in order to calm her down

“It’s just that, I haven’t seen him in so long, and he was against this to start with, he didn’t want me to come at all in the first place, my brother helped me to convince him and that make him realise that this way my dream, but I’m afraid” she confessed, I got closer and put my arm around her shoulders

 

“What if when we debut we won’t succeed, what if people don’t like what we do, what if they don’t like me, my dad would be so upset and mad, I actually want to be with him at the moment” she was on the verge of crying again, of course I’ve also thought of those things before, I was also afraid of that, public opinion sure was one of the scariest things ever, but this wasn’t the moment to show any weakness, I had to be strong for her.

 

“We will succeed” I confidentially said making her to look at me.

“We will become the greatest group the nation has ever seen, we’ll prove everyone that we can slay whatever and that we can overcome any obstacle and anything which stands in our way” I spoke like a leader, I never really felt like one, in fact, I was pretty weak and insecure to be one.

 

“How can you be so confident about it, we don’t even know if we’ll be in the same group” she objected and I looked directly at her eyes.

“It’s just a gut feeling” I answered proudly and she laughed at my response, I didn’t know what to do after she bursted out laughing, she started to clap her hands and she had some tears because of that impulse.

“You are a really interesting one Taeyeon” she said cleaning her tears and hugged me randomly taking me aback from the sudden action

“Thank you so much TaeTae, you made me feel better” her voice was soft, I felt like an angel was talking to me

“It’s alright, I’ll be here whenever you need me, you can count on me” I replied finally returning the hug and we stayed that way for a while. Ever since that day we grew even closer.

 

A month later we were transferred to another dancing and vocal groups, there were more trainees there, some of them have been there for around four years, some others for three, Tiffany and I were the newbies. We sat together waiting for the instructor to arrive.

 

“Hi Tiffany, we finally have practice together” I heard a voice speaking in English, I looked over Tiffany and she had her eye smile and she seemed pretty happy to see that girl.

“Jessie! I know right, we’ll see each other more often” Tiffany replied eagerly standing up to hug that girl, I felt kind of awkward and out of the place looking at that, when they finally let go I could finally see the other one properly.

 

“Hi, my name is Jessica Jung, I’m from America as well, you must be Taeyeon, Tiffany has talked to me about you, I hope we get along” she said, she had a really sweet voice and an interesting accent just like Tiffany’s, though she sounded more fluent, she offered me her hand as she introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you, I hope so too” I greeted back as I took her hand, it was so soft and strong, I took another glance and her and she was definitely pretty, are all girls from America this pretty, I asked myself admiring their beauty.

 

2007

 

Three years passed ever since I joined the company, three years since the first time I saw Tiffany, she was still still as beautiful as the first time I saw her, and every single day I could swear she became prettier, there was something about her which I loved, her presence, her marvelous eye smile, her personality, all of her was just wonderful.

 

Was it a crush? I didn’t think of it that way back then, I thought it was just simple admiration towards the american girl, little did I know I would slowly fall for her making it one of the biggest yet best mistake of my entire life. Especially the realisation.

 

A girl and girl or a boy and boy relationship was for sure a sin, at least according to our parents, it wasn’t well looking among the country’s society, it was just something taboo, but some reason I never felt like it was something wrong, I thought it was just like any other relationship in which you fell in love with another one, that significant one you are willing to share everything with.

 

I never really thought about love at that time, but somehow I knew I felt attracted to girls, I found boys attractive too, but there was just something about girls which made me feel pretty interested in them, of course I swore to myself that I would never let anyone know about it. As I grew older I became kind of more playful, especially around Tiffany, like patting her or something, but it was just a game between us.

 

Earlier this year, JYP’s girl group officially debuted, they became pretty popular especially because of the promotion they had one year ago, our group hadn’t been announced formally yet, I still didn’t know who my groupmates would be. We had a meeting one week later regarding all those issues. When I entered the meeting’s room I saw eight girls sitting in there, I had seen them all because of some practiced we had together, I looked around and when I saw Tiffany and Jessica a smile crept on my face in relief.

 

“Taeyeon!” Tiffany said my name happily gesturing me to sit next to her, so I did. Our manager finally came in and sat in front of us.

“So, this is the final arrangement, all nine of you will be debuting together as a group, and under the name of Sonyu Shidae, we have the song you’ll debut with, we’ll start recording next week, and also we’ll teach you the choreography, you better work hard” he spoke seriously looking at us, I felt excited, finally we were going to debut, our lives were just about to change

“Now attention kids, these will be your positions. Listen carefully” he spoke once again. He cleared his throat and took out a paper.

 

“Lee Sunkyu, Stephanie Hwang and Seo Joohyun you three will be lead vocalists” I glanced at them and saw them nodding at his statement.

“Kwon Yuri, Im Yoona and Choi Sooyoung you’ll be in charge of being lead dancers while Kim Hyoyeon will be the main dancer” he spoke looking fiercely at them

“And finally Jessica Jung and Kim Taeyeon, you both are going to be the main vocalists” I turned my head to Jessica and she smiled at me, when I looked at her I felt like my nerves went away and felt more relaxed.

“Now, the leader will be Kim Taeyeon” I heard my name once again and I felt nervous once again but I also felt scared.

 

Tiffany took my hand and squeezed it trying to calm me down, she knew I was pretty scared about the last thing, but I had to be strong, it was a huge responsibility.

“Did you listen Taeyeon?” he asked me and I nodded

“Yes, I’ll try my best” I answered nervously, I felt my voice cracked and he just shook his head.

“Don’t try. Do.” he spoke with an intimidating look.

“I’ll do my best” I replied trying to show confidence this time.

 

The meeting lasted for a few minutes, but for me, it felt like we were hours in there, when we got out we decided to go out all together for dinner to celebrate our new group, I was happy but I also felt scared.

 

“Are you okay Taeyeon? You look kind of of down, is everything alright” Jessica asked me warping her her around me, I stared at her with a hopeless look.

“I don’t want to be the leader” I blurted out, Jessica just looked at me in disbelief and sighed hugging me tightly, I couldn’t hug her back because of my own disappointment

“It’s because you’re the eldest among us, but you will do great Taeyeon, you’ll take care of us, I believe in you” she softly said smiling at me, I felt like time stopped and I finally returned the hug.

“You’re the one who should be the leader, you’ve been here longer, you know the girls way better than I do, you always care about us, you’re soft and you suit the role” I told her as I felt the tears coming out.

 

She let go of the hug and took my face in her hands while wiping my tears away.

“Hush, don’t be afraid, we all support you, we all are here to help, and I think you are actually fit for the role” I kept staring at her eyes, I felt like I was at peace when I looked at her eyes, they were just too serene.

“Thank you so much Jessica” I said gently. That’s when she bent down and kissed my cheek.

I felt like my face was burning red, it was the first time someone besides my mom kissed me on the cheek, it was a simple gesture but it felt like the most exciting thing ever, I cupped the place where she placed her lips and let an ahjumma laugh out, I was embarrassed and Jessica just giggled and patted my head.

 

“Now that’s the Taeyeon I know” she muttered, then we heard a cough on the back and we turned to see it was Yuri looking at us with an awkward grin on her face, she came over us and put her arm around my shoulder.

 

“Taeng, don’t burden yourself, you’ll do great buddy” Yuri said to cheer me up

“Thanks Yul” I told her as I put my arm around her too and Jessica just laughed at us.

After that, we practiced a lot for our first performance, we had to do well if we wanted to achieve our dream, it went surprisingly well, we were proud and finally after a few months, we debuted with Into the new world, that song meant a lot to all of us since it was beginning of a new era, the beginning of what would be, Girls’ Generation.