June 2016

Jieun paced in her trailer while biting the nail on her index finger. It was early evening, filming had wrapped for the day. Kiha was coming today to visit her on the set of Scarlet Heart and she was anxious. Her stomach and heart felt uncomfortable. Like she was walking on eggshells. Just like every time when she spoke to Kiha on the phone for the last several months.

He was no longer Oppa or even Kiha-ssi to her. Just Kiha, like a stranger. Someone she didn’t know or even wanted to know anymore. Their phone calls were distant, strained, and exhausting from having the same arguments.

Ever since filming began and she had temporarily moved out to the countryside with the rest of the crew and cast, Jieun could no longer ignore the shortcomings of their relationship. When they were both in Seoul and could see each other frequently, it was easy to sweep the problems under the rug and continue smiling. She was now tired of sweeping. They didn’t have the same values or plans for the future anymore and she didn’t think they ever did.

A knock at the door. He was here.

Jieun walked over to the door. “Hello? who is it?”

“Eun-ah, it’s me.” Came Kiha’s distinct voice. She opened the door to let him in.

Kiha entered her trailer and she gave him a stiff hug to greet him, her arms half-heartedly patting him on the back. He went to kiss her on the mouth and she moved her head so that he kissed her cheek instead.

“Eun-ah, I’m glad I’m here. I missed you.” Kiha said softly. “It’s not the same talking on the phone.” He took her hand and led her to the couch. They sat down.

An awkward silence filled the air when none of the them spoke for a minute. They had never been awkward with each other. Not until she relocated and filming began.

Kiha his lips and nervously gripped her hand. “I’m sorry for what I said to you during our last call. You’re not selfish, you take such good care of me. I wasn’t being fair to you. I’m really sorry.”

Jieun exhaled. She didn’t know she had been holding her breath while he was speaking. She suddenly found her eyes welling up with tears. She blinked furiously and willed them not to fall but they started coming down her face. One. Two. Another tear. Silent, angry tears were falling down her face. She clenched her fists and didn’t look at Kiha.

Kiha saw her tears and immediately went to hug her even though her body remained stiff. “Eun-ah, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He continued to hug her. He took her face in his hands and wiped away the tears with his hands.

She glared at him. She glared at his stupid face and his stupid haircut. The tears continued to fall and now her nose started running too. She felt angry and exhausted. Angry at him, angry at herself. Angry at the relationship.

She pulled her face out of Kiha’s hands and she wiped her eyes and nose with the back of the sleeve.  She didn’t look him in the eyes.

“Why am I crying every time we talk to each other now?” She asked in a rough voice.

“We’re going through a rough patch. The long distance has been hard for both of us. Once filming is over and you’re back in Seoul, we’ll be happy again.”

“I’m not happy any more.”

“Exactly. Filming is almost over and you’ll be happy once you’re back home.”

Jieun didn’t say anything.

“Let’s not fight anymore. I’m here for the next three days so let’s just get dinner and go to bed. And you’re back home next month.”

Jieun realized at that moment hat she didn’t want to do this anymore. She didn’t have any energy or heart left. He had taken those from her.

“This relationship doesn’t make me happy anymore.” She said quietly.

Kiha grabbed her by the arms and forced her to look at him. “What?! What are you saying?” His fingers dug into her.

“Aren’t you exhausted too?” she demanded? “I’m so tired of having the same arguments. This isn’t just a phase. This isn’t because of the long distance. I’m not happy anymore.”

“But I’m happy! You make me happy! Be reasonable.”

“But I'm not happy!”

Silence. Kiha withdrew his hands and got up to pace the floor frantically.

“Is it because of Lee Joongi? Are you in love with him? I know you’ve been spending time with him even when you’re not filming. I know!”

She snapped. Or course Kiha would blame someone or something else. He never took responsibility for his actions. He never took responsibility for her. Just like how he made all the decisions in the relationship and she was expected to follow them.

“It’s not because of Joongi Oppa!”

“Joongi “Oppa”?” She heard the quotations marks in his voice. “It’s him then.”

Angrier tears fell from her eyes. “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t love you anymore. Not because of Joongi Oppa or anyone else.”

This stunned Kiha. “You don’t love me anymore?” Tears formed in his eyes.

Silence. Both of them cried silently, trying to muffle their sounds.

“All you do is take, you never give. And I can’t do it anymore.” Jieun said after a moment. 

Somehow this struck a nerve with Kiha and he picked up the remote control that was on the coffee table in front of the couch and he threw it against the wall. It broke from the impact.

Despite what Kiha just did, Jieun felt relieved. She had finally said it out loud. She wasn’t on eggshells anymore.

A knock on the door of the trailer.

“Jieun-ssi…is everything okay?” It was Joongis voice. “I heard a noise come from your trailer.” Kiha’s head snapped up and he stormed over to the door. He threw open the door.

Jieun scrambled to get up and rush over to the door. She felt mortified that Joongi was now witness to this.

“Oppa” she said while running to the door. “You should go, Kiha and I are in the middle of something.” She reached the door and he saw the alarm on his face. She could only imagine what her and Kiha looked like.

“Jieun-ssi” Joongi said while looking at her. “Is everything okay.”

“Who are you to her?” Kiha demanded angrily. “What are you to her?”

Joongi was taken aback and seemed at a loss for words. Jieun felt anger that Kiha was dragging Joongi into their relationship.

Jieun placed herself in between Kiha and Oppa. Her back was towards Joongi, her arms open as if to protect him. She faced Kiha. “No, you do not get to do this. You do not get to drag Oppa into this.”

She turned to Joongi. “Oppa. I am very sorry. This should not have involved you. I am fine but you should leave. Kiha and I are discussing something.”

Kiha gave a bitter laugh. “Don’t bother. I’m leaving.” He pushed pass Jieun and Joongi through the doorway. His fuming palpable.

Jieun watched Kiha’s figure get smaller as he got farther away. She silently turned away from Joongi to walk back into her trailer. After a few steps her knees buckled and she collapsed to the floor. Joongi immediately rushed to her while closing the door. His arms gently cradled her. He looked in her eyes.

“Jieun-ssi? Are you okay?” 

“You should go, Oppa. I’m sorry you got dragged into this.”

“Don’t apologize. Are you okay?”

Jieun started crying heavy sobs into his shoulder. She was exhausted, angry, embarrassed, but also relieved. She sobbed for a few minutes. All of the pressure from the past few months came undone.

Eventually she stopped and pulled herself away. She mumbled an embarrassed “thank you” and “I’m sorry.”

Joongi didn’t say anything, he pulled her close and hugged her tightly.