The sunlight was harsh against the satin ocean of Kyungsoo’s bed. It bounced off the sheets and the walls and ended up making a home in his eyes, forcing him awake. With hooded eyes he looked over at the clock on the wall, 7:30am. He had an hour and a half before his first class of the day. Grabbing a towel and heading for the shower, Kyungsoo passed the book on the floor by his bed. He must have fallen asleep reading it, he doesn’t remember stopping, but what he does remember are Jongin’s words floating around in his head; I wrote this for you.

It had taken more effort than he thought, to convince himself to get ready for class instead of getting back into bed to read. His sense of responsibility was tugging away at him, telling him that if he didn’t leave now he would definitely be late for lecture. But that didn’t stop his intrigue and he picked up the notebook on his way out the door and placed it into his bag.

As soon as his back hit the chair, lecture began. Kyungsoo was a little slower than usual on his trip to university today, and he couldn’t decide if it was because of the weight of Jongin’s book in his bag or because of the weight of the thought of Jongin on his mind. As much as he tried to stay focused, Kyungsoo kept zoning in and out of lecture. His notes on the anatomy of societal cultures began with what makes up a culture, and they ended with twelve solid lines of ‘I wrote this for you’. Even though his bag was on the floor beside him, the weight of Jongin’s book still lingered on Kyungsoo’s back. Traces of the past collided with the ever-changing future upon those pages, and it was all contained between two black covers. He hadn’t physically touched the book since he left his apartment that morning, but the feel of the pages still danced on his fingertips. Kyungsoo rubbed his hands roughly on his jeans in an attempt to bring a normal feeling back to them, in an attempt to feel anything but Jongin’s words lining his skin. But that only transferred the feeling to another part of him.

“Yo, man you okay?” Sliding into the seat next to him was the always late, Park Chanyeol. He and Kyungsoo had been friends since high school. Chanyeol had transferred schools in the middle of the semester and Kyungsoo was the first person he saw when he stepped foot on school grounds. From that point on it was impossible to see Kyungsoo without the taller boy with the goofy smile stuck by his side.

Throwing him a quick smile Kyungsoo nodded, “Yeah I’m good,” and went back to scribbling on his paper.

“I haven’t seen someone rub their legs that hard since that time Baekhyun got poison ivy from peeing in a bush on our school trip.” Chanyeol was suddenly overcome with giggles recalling the memory of a very itchy Byun Baekhyun hiding in a tent on their senior camping trip.

“Just something sticky on my fingers,” Kyungsoo attempted to laugh along with Chanyeol, but his breath swallowed the sound before it even left his lips.

“Can I see your notes? I missed the entire first half of lecture.” Chanyeol reached his hand across the desk over to Kyungsoo’s notebook and tugged at the edge of his paper.

Quickly retracting, Kyungsoo stuffed his notebook into his bag and turned to face Chanyeol, “I didn’t get much sleep last night so my handwriting is awful. You really wouldn’t be able to read them; they wouldn’t be much help anyway.”

“Uh, okay. I’ll just ask Minseok for his tomorrow.”

When his break for lunch rolled around, Kyungsoo found himself seated at a booth in the university café. His plate of pizza sat untouched before him. He wanted so desperately to bring out Jongin’s book from his bag and continue reading it. But he was worried someone would ask him about it and he would have to share. He shouldn’t have even brought it to school. The book was meant for his eyes only, and brining it here, where there was a possibility that someone else’s eyes could catch it, felt like he was betraying Jongin. Kyungsoo felt like he was hurting him all over again. Even now, when they haven’t spoken in months, when they were miles apart from each other, when they didn’t even say the other’s name, Jongin was still getting hurt. Why couldn’t he ever stop hurting him?

            “What’s with you today?” A heavy voice forced Kyungsoo out of his thoughts and he slipped back to reality. Chanyeol sat in front of him, jacket zipped up to his chin, curly hair sweeping over his eyes, and the ever-present goofy smile plastered on his face. Except this time, there was concern hidden underneath his cheerful demeanor.

 “I just - have a lot of writing to do.” In one swift movement Kyungsoo slung his backpack over his shoulder and started for the door.

  “Then let’s go to the library.” Chanyeol’s voice followed behind him as they both made their way out of the cafeteria and into the plaza.

“Maybe some other day.” Kyungsoo picked up his pace.

“Yeah, way too many people. Let’s just study at your place.” Chanyeol caught up with him. His legs were longer and one of his steps was equal to two of Kyungsoo’s.

“Not today, okay.” Kyungsoo stopped walking. He didn’t turn around to face Chanyeol, he didn’t even move, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I hope everything’s good, man!” Chanyeol’s voice called after him, and Kyungsoo nodded his head. He wasn’t sure if it was to assure Chanyeol or to reassure himself. Was everything good?

The sky was nowhere near pastel when Kyungsoo reached his front door. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw the sun sitting so high up in the powder blue sky. When he crossed the barrier from outside to in, the relief came. He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath the entire walk home, and as soon as the door shut behind him he could finally breathe again. He was back in his own space, and in this space Jongin could exist too. Walking straight to his bedroom, Kyungsoo released Jongin’s book from its concealment and once again dove into the pages.