I was getting ready for work. I still worked at the café but I also served at a posh French restaurant a few blocks from the café. It was not a fancy job but it made ends meet. Usually it was the same routine day in day out. I would send Lily over to the nanny’s house on my way to work and come back for her after every day but today was a beautiful Saturday. So my parents volunteered to take Lily to the park. Suddenly there was a loud continuous knock at the door, to which I sprinted down the stairs to open the door.

Right there in front of me stood the person I missed wholeheartedly. My whole body system felt as if it was about to shut down. He was standing there in front of me, so handsome. He was wearing a black shirt matched with black wool pants and a long red trench coat. His platinum blond hair was perfectly combed back, leaving no strains unattended. A warm smile was plastered on his face.

“Seunghyun?”

“Missed me?” he asked and pulled me into his arms. He hugged me tightly and planted a kiss on top on my head. He handed the bouquet of red roses he had in hand to me. I was dumbfounded, star struck, awed, simply flabbergasted that he was here.

“What are you doing here? Let’s go out for a walk so we can talk.” I suggested as I pushed him out the door.

“No, no. We can talk here. I miss your parents. It’s been a while. So how are you?” he asked as he made his way in and into the living room. I scrambled in front of him swiftly to pick up Lily’s toy and trying hard to cover up any evidence of the existence of a smaller human being. Ever since there was a baby, the home was a constant mess that there were times we would just give up ever trying to pick up the toys, unfortunately today was one of those days. I was praying hard that Seunghyun didn’t notice the toys and my awkwardness.

“I’m cool. I’m fine. So why are you here? I mean in town? Coffee? Tea? We have beer too.” I shouted from the kitchen where I was scrambling to hide the milk bottle, pumps and the bottles of baby food.

“Coffee is fine.” He answered.

It was then followed by heavy footsteps heading towards the kitchen. He stood in the middle of our small kitchen holding one of Lily’s favourite toy puppy.

“I bet the owner of this cute puppy is even more adorable.”

I was awestruck. I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t know what else to say so I smiled awkwardly with my fingers tangled behind my back.

“So, when were you planning to tell me? Her 20^th birthday?” He asked with a monotone and a solemn expression.

“How did you know? And if I told you what difference would it have made?”

“I would have waited, helped and avoided you from throwing your life away like this”

“See, that’s exactly what I didn’t want you to do. I don’t want you to be stuck in this mundane life. I know you Seunghyun. You would have stayed and we’d both be throwing our lives away. I know it’s not perfect and its way beyond what I intended for myself but I love her the moment I laid eyes on her and I just couldn’t let her go without even trying to be the mother I should to her” I could feel my voice escalating and quivering as I held back myself from crying. I have always questioned myself whether what I was doing was right but at the end of the day, it always felt right whenever I see Lily’s little face smile and her eyes light up at the sight of me. We were then interrupted by a click of the lock and footsteps entering the house. Soon my mom entered the kitchen carrying my baby girl in her arms.

“Oh my god! Seunghyun! How are you?” she exclaimed, opening one arm to hug Seunghyun. I ran over to take Lily from her. My little girl smiled through the pacifier in , carrying a toy rabbit in her hands. Seunghyun’s attention was fixed on her as he approached carefully.

“Hello pretty. You are so beautiful” He said, cooing cutely at the baby. His hands ran over her tiny head.

“Seunghyun please meet Kwon Sohyun Lily. Do you want to hold her?”

Cautiously he took her into his arms. He seems to look like a natural with kids. He looked calmed and happy with the little girl on his lap. Lily couldn’t stop laughing at the silly faces he was making. That same afternoon Seunghyun and I went to have a picnic at the beach together with Lily. He carried Lily in his arms, he just couldn’t get enough of her. The three of us sat at a secluded spot on the sandy beach as we watched the seagull up ahead. The beach was almost empty except a family of four that were collecting seashells across the coastline.

“Lily look.” He said as he pushed the red toy car towards her stubby toes.

“How did you know?” I asked after quite some time.

Seunghyun was on his stomach as he played happily with Lily. He looked up with a small smile.

“Word travels fast and some of our high school buddies thought she was mine. So I just had to make sure she really didn’t have my nose or my smile or my eyes. Or else boys would be lining up for her and that I wasn’t there to fend off those pesky boys.”

“wow, you’re still full of yourself Choi Seunghyun.”

“So what happened to Jiyong? Does he know about her?”

A knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I quickly shook my head.

“It’s better he doesn’t know. He’s living the high live and a kid would just destroy that.”

“Well, sooner or later she will ask why her friends have a father but she doesn’t. At least think of that. Anyway, don’t tell me I’m not her godfather cause if you do I will be really dejected and hurt.”

Flashback

The drive back from Incheon was excruciating. Things are going to be different. That was probably the last time he would see me as a girl he once knew because things were changing, and they were changing fast. I stared at the bearbrick he gave and was reminded how obsessed he used to be with those things when we were younger. Good old memories worth smiling back at. I asked for a day off today but here I was parked outside the café. I didn’t know what else to do or where to go. The sound of the rain pounding hard against the window and the squeaking of the wipers were all I could hear as I dwelled in my feelings. I have never felt so alone.

Knock…Knock…Knock…

I was surprised when someone knocked on the passenger’s side window. The rain was blurring my vision but from the petite frame I was convinced it was none other than Dara. She came into the car, closing the umbrella behind her.

“Hey I thought you asked for a day off today? Were you crying?” she asked in concern after realizing how messed up I looked. I tried to crack an honest smile and wiped away what traces of tears I had on my face but to no avail as more began falling down my face. I couldn’t contain myself anymore. All the pain I was feeling inside was let go with each tears. Dara pulled me close and allowed me to cry as much as I wanted to on her shoulders. She didn’t ask nor did she say anything except patting my back to comfort and holding onto me tightly.

“I have no future Dara ya.”

“What do you mean? Are you crazy? You got accepted to The Institute of Culinary Arts New York! Wasn’t that the dream you keep telling me?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Dara’s jaw dropped literally to the floor. She couldn’t believe what had just heard because she was studying my face hard. Her forehead creased trying to compute the information.

“Are you really sure?”

I nodded solemnly.

“I went to the doctor and its 14 weeks old.”

“Did you tell Seunghyun?”

“I can’t tell him. He would just stay and his life would be ruined too.”

Dara’s glum expression changed into anger almost instantaneously. I could tell that she was in utter disbelief.

“You had a future plan too! If I was you I would force the bastard to stay and change diapers with me.”

“Wait. Hold up. Seunghyun’s not the father. We weren’t even a couple. It’s some other bastard.”

“Jinjja? All through high school I thought you two were a couple. Then I saw him with Bom and you didn’t talk to him so I really thought you were a couple. Wah jinjja! But you two looked so in love. Wah, daebak.” She exclaimed in shock. She was talking like someone was chasing her, fast and in a very animated kinda way.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Dara said as she quickly recovered from the overflowing of new information. I stayed mimed, wallowing in my depression, allowing her to do all the talking.

“Do you know who the father is?”

I nodded acknowledging the truth.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No, it was one night’s stupid decision. I ing hate myself!”

“Do your parents know?”

“No. I don’t know how to tell them. How do you even tell them you ing screwed up even before achieving anything? I mean I had a perfect plan. It was move to New York, study, get a good job, come back by 29, open a restaurant then marriage and have kids. Now it’s all ed because it’s pregnant, have ugly little monster, wave goodbye to career, single mother, grow fat, look hideous, stress over money.”

“Why don’t you just say goodbye to it now? You can still move.”

“What do you mean?”

Dara inched closer to my ears to whisper.

“Abortion.”

“No, my parents are catholic and they’d kill me if they found out.”

She sat next to me quietly, her face screwed as she thought hard.

“Well, have you thought about giving it up? I mean there are a lot of people out there who want a kid but can’t. If you’re lucky, the baby might even be given to the likes of Angelina Jolie.”

I gaped looking at Dara’s gorgeous face. Why didn’t I think of that myself? She was truly a genius! I pulled her into a hug.

“You are a genius Sandara Park. Do you know that? I can still move to New York just 6 months late. I can reapply for college or god knows what. I don’t even have to tell Seunghyun. I’ll just tell him I didn’t get an offer or something. He’ll be fine with that.”

“Whoa, major denial so let’s just cut the crap now. You told me that you guys weren’t even a couple yet everything the two of you do dictates the thought of the other. Are you 100 percent sure you guys aren’t in love with each other?”

“No! That’s crazy talk. We’re best friends. We’ve known each other since we were 5. He used to wipe dog poop on me so no, not in love.”

“You know people say that the eye is a window to the soul.”

“So?”

“Oh nothing. I have work to go to. Anyeong! Smile okay, no more crying. Love your country, love your classmate” she cutely sang, waving her hands above her head.

I couldn’t help myself but laugh. The more I knew her, the dorkier she gets.

“Arasso, Arasso. Just get your out of this car!”

She winked and pointed teasingly at me before exiting the car and off to work.

ALICE

So, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the crisp cold morning of January with my mom and Dara by my side. My dad was being the typical Asian father he was and refused to speak to me when I told him I was pregnant but omma was surprisingly supportive. Despite how hard she tried to seem cool with it, there was always a hint of disappointment in her. We lived in the same house but I was invisible to my father. It was as if he loathed me and there was tension between my old folks. There were countless times that I spent the night at Dara’s because I couldn’t stand their fighting. I wanted no reminder of the stupid decision I made with Jiyong so I set my heart firm on giving up the baby away for adoption according to Dara’s idea and head off to New York for the first semester intake of the year but as we all know, plans change. Honestly giving birth at such a young age of 20 was never in my dictionary but it happened. And so was Lily. I couldn’t let her go the moment I held her in my arms. I fell in love with the way she hiccupped, the way she would smile in her sleep even the way she sneezes amused me. She became my everything and she became that band aid that mended my parent’s relationship because the day she entered our lives, their fights became infrequent. She made them smile again but I realized one thing true that is real life never ends with a happy ending.

Life is a constant struggle that can be both demanding and tormenting to every sense in our body, so I’ve learnt when Lily cried all through the night the first few months or that I had to juggle two jobs at a time just to be able to provide Lily with the things she needed.

Seunghyun : Just arrived @ JFK.

Alice : Good to know How was Miami?

Seunghyun : Miami is awesome! Good food, good vibe. Love the beach.

Seunghyun : How’s my baby girl? Is her fever down?

Alice : Getting better samchon. Finally has the appetite to drink milk.

Seunghyun : Alice! I’m her godfather. I’m Seunghyun appa.

Alice : Ergh sounds cheesy

Seunghyun : I had a dream the other day. I was a needle. What do u think it means?

Alice : But how does it feel to be a needle?

Seunghyun : Weird and pointy?

Alice : Relax. You’ve always had weird dreams. Anyway, gotta go work. Anyeong hyunnie ah.

I heaved a heavy sigh as I stared at the screen. I was leaning against the wall for support with an ache in my heart. I was unconsciously nibbling on my lower lips, that they began to chap badly. My thumbs danced away on my phone before I could think of what to say next. “You shouldn’t send that” says that little voice in my head. Before I could send the text, I quickly press the delete button, instead deciding not to send what was wrote.

Bogoshipoya Alice. I like you.

“Hey babe, I’m done.”

A voice from behind called as arms slowly wrapped itself around my waist. Swiftly I pressed the lock key before she could see who I was communicating with. I smiled politely at her and pulled her into my arms.

“Let’s go!” I chimed in excitement.

I hated myself for being such a hypocrite. My mouth could easily say that I cared for her but whenever I’m with her all I think about is Alice

Hi everyone! It has been ages since I last updated. I have been really unwell for the past year but I am getting better. I hope you all enjoy the new updates. I promise more is coming! Don't forget to leave a comment. I want to know your thoughts! Anyeong!