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A short excerpt V: Angst

I look at her but she looks away.

I stare at my right but she moves her gaze to the left.

I talk to her with words but she replies solely with hums or gestures.

I touch her with subtleness but she stabs all the way through me.

I smile at her but she maintains unaffected.

I knock on her door but she slams one right into me.

I call her affectionately but she hasn’t verbalized my name since forever.

Everyone has fears, no matter how petty. Once I was asked what my biggest fear was. The question took me a mile. They’d expect something ordinary so I wrecked my brains for the most common fears – heights, small spaces, ghosts, gaining weight, deaths. I looked straight into the eye of the questioner and lied: “Cameras. I don’t really like it when the attention is on me and me only. It feels so burdensome.” He seemed satisfied enough with my answer, saying that it would be very difficult since I was a celebrity.

And because of that fact I also struggle. Because how do I announce to the world that my fear surrounds around love? How do I explain to them that I am in love with a girl? How do I, the me who is harassed, make sure I don’t lose the grip at the edge of the cliff, boldly tell everyone that when I was 15, I had a class called Relationships Advice. And there, I’ve got to learn that most people fall out of love for the very same reason they fell in it. That your partner’s once adventurous personality is now irresponsibility; her spontaneity has now turned into money down the drain; her laughter and jokes are no longer adorable but another nuisance in y