the thing about loving Chanyeol was that it always took you by surprise how real your feelings were. sure, you had had your fair share of relationships, but somehow this was different. you and Chanyeol weren't together, as a matter of fact you still wondered if you were friends at times, as you had never been really close. he was just someone who had caught your attention in the hall when you were passing by. all that happened between the two of you was because you had initiated it. you were the one that stopped him in the hall and asked for his number ( despite him not knowing you), you were the one that always texted first, you were the one that tried to start a conversation at school. he had never taken an interest in you, as much as it was hurtful to admit, it was the truth.
as a matter of fact, sometimes you could swear you annoyed him to no end, if the short replies to your texts and ignored shy waves were anything to go by.

Y/N - 5:47 PM 
heyyyy

Chanyeol- 7:23 PM
hi

Y/N - 7:25 PM
how are you?

Y/N - 7:45 PM
are you busy??

Y/N- 8:31 PM
ok, I'm sorry

*seen at 8:57 PM*

he was kind to you at times, however. and those moments were the ones you valued most, moments in which you thought you saw another part of him. sometimes, when he was alone, he'd ask you to come with him so you could hear what he had composed or help him out with his homework. you had never been romantic or sappy, but as you looked at him strumming his guitar, you could pinpoint all the reasons you liked him, starting from the way his eyes searched for yours after he asked what you thought of his newest song, how he'd quietly hum along to the soft tune, to the light smile that would rest on his face as you cheered for him.
as time passed by, your conversations with him grew longer. it still wasn't anything big, but it was enough for your feelings to stay, to deepen. you'd talk about tv shows, about books, anything you could think of. he started greeting you in the hall and that would leave a stupid smile on your face.
were you friends now?
***
the most annoying thing when it came to you liking him was his best friend, Sehun. he obviously caught up upon your feelings and would always tease you when he saw you. at times you'd try and talk to him about Chanyeol, moping about how he's so guarded around everyone, how he barely talks.
" he talks a lot though " Sehun would laugh " I guess he just doesn't like you, Y/N."
and that somehow hit you harder than what Sehun probably wanted, because it was true. you had noticed it, how Chanyeol would be really open with others, how he'd make jokes and smile until his eyes crinkled in joy, while you still had to struggle to find a decent subject to keep the conversation going.
things were better, you were more comfortable with each other but still far far from being close. you barely hung out and with exams rolling in, your conversations got shorter.
you smiled at Sehun however, laughed it off because you knew they probably talked about you, you knew that to them it was probably a funny subject.
***
summer came and went as fast as it could, you hadn't talked to Chanyeol for months, he didn't try to reach out either. he never did, anyway. your ego had suffered enough, taking all the hits from Sehun's remarks and Chanyeol's lack of interest. 
during those months of peace, you barely thought of him. you had filled your time with trips and friends. you didn't try to get with someone though, some nagging voice at the back of your head always saying " what will Chanyeol think?".
you knew it was absurd, he wouldn't care, he never did. then you'd scold yourself again for thinking of him, did he really leave that great of an impact on you? 
maybe he did, because the next time you saw him in the hallway when school started, your feelings hit you as hard as ever.
that night was spent hidden between covers, deleting old texts. and if you cried, nobody was supposed to know.
***
if there was anything you were, it was stubborn. after a lot of thought you had decided there was nothing to lose, you would try to win him over no matter what. well maybe there was your pride but really, there wasn't much left of that anyway. 
the texts started again, the hang outs too. something was different this time, Chanyeol seemed to be less reserved around you. it was time, you assumed, he had gotten used to you ( or maybe to the ideea that you wouldn't back down without a fight ).
you were back to listening to his songs and giving reviews, but now Chanyeol would pay more attention to your opinions. 
one time, you spent hours outside of your house ( you thought it was better to spend time there instead of the school's dirty backyard), the sound of his guitar filling the space between the two of you. he was stuck on this one part, he kept muttering things under his breath and making small notes in his notebook.
he sighed loudly, taking his head between his hands.
" it will come to you eventually, don't force it." you said
" i know it will, but I need to get it done soon, i don't like leaving them like this" he'd respond, his voice filled with frustration.
it was true, he had always been a perfectionist and that was one of the things you liked about him. he was hard working when he wanted to.
" how about you take a break and we go get something to eat?" you said while getting up " clear your mind, yeah? "
he looked up at you, lips slightly parted and doubt in his eyes, but agreed anyway. 
you walked around for a while because the weather was nice, you ate whatever street food you could find. it was nice, it was simple and it made you feel warm. 
" do you have any plans for your future?" Chanyeol suddenly ask
" I'm still trying to decide between medicine and business, I guess." you said
" those options are so different, how are you stuck between them?"
"oh it's more of a << what my mother wants versus what my father wants >> kind of thing" you smiled 
" yeah, that's great " he began " but what do you want, Y/N?"
" well, I have always liked foreign languages but there's nothing I can really do with that, and I still have 3 years left to decide "
"that you do" he sighed.
out of the corner of your eye you could see a look of distress taking over his face.
" you have time as well" you tried to assure him
"not really, but thank you " he smiled 
his smile was truly beautiful and the fact that it was directed towards you made you want to crawl somewhere and smile like a lunatic. 
after that things only got better, Chanyeol managed to finish another song and you became the first person he'd go to when he had a problem. you still didn't talk that much but it was okay, because he always made up for it when you would. you were friends now, you were sure of it, but it was still not enough. somewhere inbetween pages filled with lyrics and soft tones, your feelings got deeper and scarier. you didn't know how to handle them, sometimes they got too much and you would lock yourself in your room, thinking about giving up or just simply confessing. it was confusing, it was messy but it was beautiful. puppy love, the purest kind. 
Chanyeol started working on a new song, but this time he wouldn't show it to you. 
"I have everything under control, you'll hear it soon." he would tell you.
at first this made you worry, was he slipping away from you again? didn't he want you to help him anymore? it took you some time to come to the conclusion that an artist needs time alone to work sometimes and maybe Chanyeol wanted that too. If anything was wrong, he'd eventually tell you. You trusted him. You had to, anyway.
***
you didn't know how it happened but one night you ended up at a bar with Chanyeol, Sehun and a couple of their friends. It made you uncomfortable a bit, you didn't know anyone besides the two of them and you felt a little underdressed ( or overdressed if you were to go by the looks of other girls around you ). you warmed up to everyone soon enough, though. it started with Jongdae, who bluntly asked you if you're uncomfortable and told you to loosen up and ended with Yixing who smiled at you and made everything better . it was his dimples, nobody could resist them.
soon enough you were chatting with everyone, Chanyeol in front of you. he seemed off today so when the others went to dance for a bit you slipped in the seat next to him.
" everything alright?" you asked 
" peachy " he drank the glass in front of him " I'm just not feeling all this"
you nodded, you could understand that. not everyone liked partying a few nights before their finals.
" are you worried about your exams?" you asked
" a bit of that too I guess, but no, I'm waiting to hear back from one of the colleges I applied to."
" which one?"
" brown university "
you paused
" wait, isn't that in..."
" america? yes."
you looked ahead of you at the crowd dancing. did that mean Chanyeol was leaving soon? why did that never cross your mind? of course he would want to go and study abroad. as a matter of fact, he even mentioned it to you a couple of times, but you didn't pay attention to it, it seemed so far away. now, however...
"so you're leaving?" you asked 
you looked at him and he looked at you, eyes scanning your face as if he was thinking of what to say to get a certain reaction from you. it was then when you realized how close he actually was to your face, but you didn't even feel flustered by it. you felt cold, empty even. you moved your gaze again 
" i mean nothing is set in stone until I get my letter " 
it sounded as if he was trying to convince himself more than you. you felt sick.
"you'll get in" it came out softer than you wanted it to.
"how are you so sure?" 
a soft sigh left your lips
"you'll get in" you repeated and got up, not sparing him a glance and went to find Sehun, Jongdae, Yixing or anyone that could distract you.
Chanyeol was leaving. You couldn't look at him.
If you had however, if you had looked back, you'd see that his eyes never left you and that maybe, maybe you weren't the only one hurt by this. 
***
he did get in. it was expected, he was a great student and he was ambitious. and if him getting accepted didn't hurt enough, you had to find out about it through Sehun, who let it slip during his usual teasing.
" why didn't you tell me?" you asked as you stopped him in the hallway.
at first he looked at you panicked, then it changed to confusion and then to realization. he pulled you to the side, hands placed on your shoulders.
" i haven't accepted yet" he said, his voice as husky as ever
you rolled your eyes at that, it would be stupid not to accept. he wanted it.
" but you will, and you didn't tell me"
" I'm not sure, ok? I don't know if I want this"
" what are you even talking about? of course you do! you applied to it, don't be stupid "
Chanyeol had a small smile on his face and in some way you found it taunting.
" but maybe I want something else now, a lot of things have changed "
you scoffed at that
" Chanyeol, don't be stupid about this. I doubt there's anything worth your while here. And it's definitely not worth risking your future for it" 
His face changed then, from the smirk he had it went to a frown.
" But what if I think it is?"
" you're being delusional."
" i thought you out of all people would support me through everything "
at this point you had had enough, why would he even think that? doubt you? couldn't he see what he meant to you?
" don't you dare say that" you screamed at him " of course I would support you, but this? this is plain delusional. It's Brown, Chanyeol. Brown. What could possibly better than that?"
He started at you, his eyes were burning you up, more than you already were. He was searching your face for something, it seemed. Chanyeol had a habit of doing that, trying to read people.
"Love" he said.
you held your breath, what was he on about?
" Love would definitely be better "
you laughed bitterly at that. love? love had only caused you pain, it had made your insides turn, it had made every part of you burn with despair. you had come to hate it, as ironically as that was. you hated that you felt that way towards him, and now he was trying to make it seem as some kind of beauty? 
your reaction took him by surprise it seemed, because he backed a step. what did he know about love? why would he blindly chase it at the cost of his future.
you shaked your head.
" but you know nothing about love, Park Chanyeol "
once again a moment of silence. the other students just passed by you, nobody even sparing you two a glance.
" are you telling me to go?" he asked.
another scoff.
"yes"
***
for a long while you contemplated if you should go see him before his departure. you hadn't talked much since your fight, or whatever it was. he had given into Brown at last. it didn't surprise you. maybe he realized how foolish it was of him to seek for love here, instead of going to study. you didn't understand him, couldn't he find it in America? 
at times you wondered if you had told him to go out of pettiness, if there was some part of you that was angry that he would want to find love, but turn a blind eye to yours, if you wanted to drive him away from it.
you weren't sure, but it had definitely played a role into your response. 
eventually you gave into the idea of visiting him one last time, before he was supposed to leave. school was over and the both of you had passed your exams with flying colors, there was no excuse for you to stay away.
so here you were, in front of his room, with Chanyeol starring down at you, raised eyebrows as if to ask you what you were doing there. 
a soft "hi" fell past your lips and there it was again, the shy wave that he used to ignore in the first few months after you had met him. that certainly made his cold exterior melt and he smiled at you, inviting you inside.
you sat down on his bed and looked around, it seemed as if he was packing the last of his stuff. it seemed so empty now, without all the pictures on the walls, without the music equipment in the corner, without clothes thrown all over the place. he was truly leaving.
" when do you leave for your flight?" you asked.
Chanyeol looked at you and his eyes was regret, you could tell. 
" in about thirty minutes, I'm glad you stopped by"
he came and sat next to you, gently playing with his fingers. as always, there was that calm atmosphere surrounding you. it was somewhat different now, though.
" I owed you that at least, right?" you laughed, but it was dry. " couldn't let you leave without apologizing "
you wanted to cringe at how cliche this all was. you hated this type of moments and it was ironic how your first love would soon end it the most expected way.
" it's alright though, you knocked some sense into me. I was chasing loose ends" 
your eyes scanned the room again and fell upon a familiar yellow notebook.
"You're taking that with you?"
Chanyeol got up, took it in his hands and examined it.
" of course, how could I not?"
it was true, he wouldn't go anywhere without it.
" did you manage to finish your last song?"
it seemed as if your question woke him up, because suddenly he was shoving the notebook into his bag and putting it onto his shoulder. 15 minutes left.
"nope, never did." he laughed, but it didn't sound quite right.
" what was it about?"
his eyes dropped and you realized the subject must've been touchy for him.
"nothing worthwhile, apparently " and again that forced laugh 
he looked up at the clock and you did as well.
" we should go down" he whispered 
you agreed.
you went down the stairs, helped him with his bags and said goodbye to his parents. you weren't going to go to the airport with him, but you wanted to wish him the best before leaving.
as you stood in front of each other, you thought about what to say.
"So..." he started 
You thought about telling him how you felt, you thought about letting it all out because if there was any moment, it should've been this. You had nothing to lose, he was leaving. He should know.
Unfortunately, as much as you were stubborn, you were also a coward.
" I'll miss you " your voice trembled, you hoped he didn't notice, he did. " Don't forgot to text me from time to time, yeah? Who knows, maybe in 2 years we'll meet again in the hallway."
Chanyeol didn't say anything, he pulled you into a hug. Your arms found their way to his neck and you tried so hard not to cry. You loved him. You loved him. You truly did
He let go too soon, and once again he had that look of regret in his eyes. 
" See you soon then" he laughed 
you didn't answer, not until he was already into his car, speeding away from you.
" See you soon"
You had never thought Park Chanyeol would like you or that you stood a chance, you had never expected anything from him other than a hello when he passed you in the hallway. 
That was all you had ever wanted, for him to acknowledge you or to at least know you. 
Somehow it got twisted along the way, because the thing about loving Chanyeol was that it always took you by surprise how real your feelings were. How twisted and complicated they were, but so so real. You and Chanyeol were never together and sometimes you wondered if you were ever even friends. He was just someone that had caught your attention in the hallway. And he kept it, he kept it for a very long time. Until it was time to let go.