I remember writing a list of things I love during our very first reality show. PD noona handed out small notebooks to all of the members and told us to make a list of things we love so later we can all read them aloud for the show. Namjoon hyung and Seokjin hyung seemed delighted that they would be writing and not dancing this time. I knew for sure Jimin hyung and Hobi hyung will probably end up making us cry with all the heartfelt things they would write about. Yoongi hyung scratched his head and sat down in the corner with the little black notebook in his hand, contemplating how to begin all his gratitude for the things he loved. And Taehyung hyung… His face brightened as soon as the PD noona announced what we would be doing. I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind but I’m always wondering about what’s on his mind, maybe if I channeled my thoughts enough I would cross his mind at least once.

With the small navy notebook in my hand, I began to write.

List of things I love:

1. Music, it always makes me happy and without music I would’ve never met Taehyung hyung.

2. Rain, it calms me down and every time something good happened in my life it was raining… like when Taehyung hyung fell asleep on my shoulder during the worst thunderstorm of the year.

3. Taehyung hyung’s hugs, smiles, hair, nose, hands, eyes, mouth…

I was most definitely in love with Kim Taehyung. And there was no way I could read this aloud to anyone, not even to myself. It hurts every time I look at Taehyung hyung but today only bitterness filled me as I caught his eyes staring at me. He quickly retracted his glance as if he wanted me to think that he wasn’t actually looking at me. That was what scared me the most and kept me awake at night. What if one day I confessed my love for him and he doesn’t even want to look at me. What if from then on only time he looked at me was a quick glance that refused to acknowledge that it even landed on me. I shook my head as to erase the bad thoughts, ripped out the page, and tossed it into the trashcan.

If I could go back to any day of my life, I would chose that day without a second hesitation. I would’ve never been so careless to throw that paper into the practice room trashcan, I would’ve never been so stupid to even write that list in the first place, but most of all I should’ve broken my own heart over and over if that was what it took to erase Kim Taehyung from my heart.

What happened that day after the lights turned off at the practice room still haunts me and sends chills down my spine.

Everyone has their thing, like how some people make 11:11 wishes and finds luck in four leaf clovers. My thing was the rain. Every time it rains something good happened but today was different. Maybe it was different because now I was living in an alternate universe where I have never met Kim Taehyung and I never loved music enough to become a singer. I was living with a choice that I didn’t make and in this world Kim Taehyung climbed over the bridge in the rain. I pulled him close to my chest and brought him to my house. With my mom and dad at my grandmother’s house, I carried Taehyung