This Christmas

 

Last Autumn

 

The warm colour scheme of the trees lined the lone path ahead, and the beds of greenery on either side morphed into springless mattresses for fallen leaves.

The fine gravel beneath my feet grumbled ever so slightly with every step, and small air bubbles would form around my soles due to the dampness from overnight drizzles.

He squeezed my chilling hand gently, and between our intertwined fingers I felt his warmth.

He stopped walking, and obediently, so did I.

He let out an unsteady breath that evaporated away as a cloud of visible air, before parting his lips to speak.

“Kibum…” I whispered weakly.

His smooth but pale lips closed again.

He tilted his head a little to the left and looked forlornly into my eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

***

 

Eunice,

By the time you read this I will no longer be by your side.

I will be on my way to a place where you won’t be able to find me.

I have left for reasons which I cannot speak of right now, I just can’t bring myself to put it into words.

I didn’t leave because of you…but I knew you’d suffer if you were with me during this time of my life.

I have to go.

아직도 사랑해

Kibum

 

***

 

 

 

A Year Later

 

“Nggg…Eu-Eunice! Please heeeelp” groaned the puffy cheeked guy.

I chuckled and took the other side of the dusty cardboard box.

“Henry, I thought you worked out. Did those muscles disappear or did they never come in the first place?!” I joked, backing up into the classroom.

He glared at me with his single lidded eyes and pouted.

“Excuse me, excuse me~” I ushered, making sure my classmates weren’t in the way.

PLONK.

We dropped the box onto the teacher’s pinewood desk and the bells from the Christmas decorations inside rung as a merry mess.

Henry let out a long sigh, “Let’s go help them put up the decorations”he suggested, looking over at our classmates already encircling the bare Christmas tree.

I dug my hand into the box, extracting the first ornament that pricked my finger.

I flinched with pain and dropped the object onto the desk, and stared nervously at my hand.

“Are you alright, Eunice?” Henry squeaked anxiously, peering over my shoulder.

I nodded, “I’m okay, it’s not bleeding” I assured him.

I picked up the offending ornament and inspected it carefully. It was a miniature wreath made out of a string of orange and golden leaves.

It reminded me of last autumn.

***

“Here Eunice, I got one for you” Henry said, sitting down at the desk next to me and handing me a red slip of paper.

There was a hole punched on the far left side, and two simple words stood out like a sore thumb in the centre of the slip; ‘This Christmas…’

“What are we supposed to do with this?” I asked Henry who was busy writing on his own green slip.

He hummed a little, sticking his tongue out as he focused on perfecting his handwriting.

“We write our Christmas wish on here, and then it’s strung up onto the Christmas tree” he explained, not looking up from his slip.

I looked over Henry’s shoulder and watched him print his wish.

“This Christmas…I want to receive a large box of a hundred mochi, all with different fillings and flavours. Also I would like a new packet of green tea leaves from the Yame region in Japan because umma told me to drink tea daily”

I giggled at his cute Christmas wish, “Henry, are you planning to go on a mochi and green tea diet?”

He looked up at me innocently, and sat back in his chair to think seriously about my suggestion.

“If Santa brings me enough, then yes!” he finally decided.

I laughed and pinched his ear, “You little babo~”.

He smiled smugly and looked over at my piece of paper.

“Eunice? What’s your wish?” he asked, stringing some ribbon through the hole on his own green slip.

I picked up Henry’s pen and twirled it in my hands, biting my lip, and tapping the desk with my newly manicured fingers.

“This Christmas…I don’t want to be alone”

***

“No Henry, please…I don’t wanna go outside, it’s too cold!” I whined.

“Please Eunice noona~ it’s snowing!” he nagged.

I clenched my fists together, he only called me his ‘noona’ when he wanted something bad.

“Yah I’m only older than you by one month and twenty two days!” I retorted in one breath.

Henry pouted his lips and puffed out his squishy cheeks.

I rolled my eyes, here we go again…

”Noona~ Henry will be a good dongsaeng forever if you play with him in the snow, jebaaal!” he sobbed like a little kid, clinging onto my arm.

I rolled my eyes and sighed,“Fine fine Mr. Aegyo…where’s my coat?” I said, finally giving in.

He gasped happily and held up my pink padded jacket for me to slip into.

The main foyer of the university campus was empty and everyone had left for home after night classes. We had been waiting for the snow to lighten before walking home.

The automatic doors grumbled open, as if it had stiffened due to the cold, and Henry dragged me out into the snow covered car park.

I sighed and my breath evaporated away in a cloud of white smoke, “It’s really beautiful, isn’t it Henry?” I commented, slipping my cold hands into my pockets.

The excited kid nodded,“You, me, snowball fight?” he suggested with a wide grin.

“I call that snow mound over there my base!” I exclaimed quickly, before Henry could even have a say.

I trod through the thick bed of snow and squatted behind the large pile of fluffiness and ice. Gathering a handful of snow, I moulded together my first batch of icy ammo.

I strained my neck over the peak to eye the enemy, in other words, Henry.

I giggled as I watched him push together snow from all directions in order to make his own little snow mound.

Since he found more strength closer to the ground, he took on a penguin-like persona and waddled around in a squatted position, bulldozing all the snow in his path.

I smirked as an evil idea crossed my mind.

“Yah Henry!” I yelled across the ‘battlefield’.

He turned his head, his soft tuft of fudge hair was now sprinkled with snow, and perked up his ears.

I hauled a large snowball in his direction and it exploded in a firework of ice, right after colliding into his lower back.

“Heeey Eunice! That’s not fair! I wasn’t ready!” he complained, pouting his pinkish lips.

He mumbled something to himself before disappearing behind his wall of snow.

***

“I betcha can’t hit me Eunice! Your aiming !” he teased, jumping around like an overexcited chipmunk.

I clenched my teeth together and scooped together a large lump of snow, making a snowball twice the size of the others.

“Oh yeah, Henry? TAKE THIS!”I grunted before catapulting the nuclear bomb equivalent snowball.

The flying white streak rocketed across the snowy plateau and smashed into Henry’s lower abdomen, bursting into a sensation of snow.

He collapsed to the ground and clutched his stomach.

“Oww…” he groaned in pain.

“Henry! Are you okay? I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean to hit you that hard” I apologized guiltily, rushing to his side.

He rubbed his stomach once more and smiled before sitting up again.

“It’s alright. I deserved it though, didn’t I? Your aim isn’t bad at all” he chuckled, taking back his words.

I pat his back, “So shall we call truce?” I suggested.

Henry thought for a second.

“NO!” he shouted before hurling a small snowball at me.

I quickly dodged out of the way, and instead it flew right past.

It’s flight was obstructed.

A tall man in a black hooded cropped coat had taken the full impact of Henry’s surprise attack.

I stared at Henry, then back at the man held victim.

“Henry!” I scolded under my breath.

“A-Ahjusshi! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw that far!” he called across the car park.

The man pulled on his hood, which further hid his face, and vanished into the dark of the night.

Henry played with the zip on his jacket and strained his neck to see where the man had disappeared to.

“What’s up with him…?” he murmured, slipping his hands into his pockets.

I shrugged, “He must really not like the snow”.

***

“Eunice, are you sure you don’t want some of this gingerbread man?” Henry asked with a mouth full of biscuit.

I took a sip at my coffee and shook my head, “I’m fine, thank you. This cappuccino is doing me fine” I replied.

Henry and I had just ended our snowball fight after we hit a second ahjusshi. He, unlike the first, scolded us for messing around.

Our hands were frozen and our eyes brimmed with tears from the sting of the icy breeze, so we decided to take a rest at Starbucks for a little while before heading home.

The inside of the small cafe was welcoming and cosy.

The walls were glittered with red and green Christmas lights and a open fire place in the corner provided both light and warmth to the incoming customers.

Above the wooden window ledges the glass was glazed white and provided a snowed in effect, and a bunch of mistletoe was strung above the doorway into the cafe.

“Excuse me, your order is here” the Starbucks waitress said, placing a plate of fruit cake onto our round table.

“Uh…sorry, we didn’t order this” Henry answered, putting the plate back onto her green tray.

“Oh really? I’m sorry I must ha-“

“Over here please” a voice called from other corner of the cafe. Henry and I both turned to the source of the sound.

It was the same man from the car park.

“Ahjusshi! I’m really sorry about before, please forgive me I re-“

But before Henry could finish apologising, the man shoved his fruit cake into a paper bag and left out the door, only leaving behind the light jingle of the Christmas bells.

“That ahujusshi, really! What a bad temper…” Henry scoffed, clenching his fists together.

“Just leave it Henry, I’m sure you’re forgiven” I said, rotating the half empty paper cup in my hands.

He dunked the gingerbread man’s left arm into his steaming mug of hot chocolate and watched the excess liquid drip back into the cup.

“Hey Eunice, why are your hands so red?” he questioned suddenly.

I looked down at my fingers, “My hands get cold easily, it’s nothing to worry about. Some extra warmth will do the trick” I replied, warming the back of my hands with the cappuccino.

Henry shuffled closer on his seat and took my hands, “My hands are very warm, aren’t they?” he smiled.

I nodded, “Thank you Henry”.

“My hyung used to always warm up my hands like this, his hands were never cold” he said.

“His hands were never cold either…” I whispered to myself.

“Hm? Who are you talking about?”Henry asked, continuing to give my hands his warmth.

I shook my head, “Oh no one Henry, no one”.

***

“We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…”

The sound of cheerful voices rang through the plaza. Henry and I were cutting through the shopping mall on the way home because this way was both warmer and faster.

“Hey hey Eunice, let’s stop here for a little bit” Henry said, dragging me closer to the group of carol singers.

“Don’t they sound great?”Henry commented, mouthing the words to the carol.

An old lady walked past with a golden bucket and I placed a few odd coins into it.

“Merry Christmas!” she greeted warmly.

I smiled and bowed slightly, “Halmoni, Merry Christmas”.

“You know my hyung? I used to always make him sing Christmas carols to me when I was little. Most of the time he’d give up singing the high notes and then it’d somehow turn into the rap version” Henry chuckled.

“Rap version? You try it Henry, I wanna hear!” I encouraged.

He took in a deep breath and begun his own beat.

“Jingle bells J-j-ingle bells, jingle all the WOOway, oh what fun it is to ride on an one horse open sleigh YEAH COME ON BABY!”

I covered my mouth to suppress my laughter and stumbled a bit backwards.

Henry quickly supported my back before I fell back any more.

“Hey hey be careful Eunice! You nearly stepped on this ahjusshi-“ he stopped and his eyes widened.

“AHJUSSHI! IT’S YOU! Can you please forgive me? I won’t stop until you say you really do!” Henry nagged.

The man pulled his scarf over his mouth and shook Henry’s hand before injecting himself into the large crowd of night shoppers.

Henry brought his hand up to his face and tilted his head, “Does that mean he forgives me…?”

***

“That ahjusshi is a little strange don’t you think? Is it really that hard to say ‘I forgive you Henry’?”he whined as we walked through the snow covered park.

I just shrugged, “At least he shook your hand, so just take that as your forgiveness”

Henry thought for a moment but finally nodded his head, “His hands were quite warm…” he said.

“You’re a cute kid, Henry”I laughed.

“Hey, hyung used to always call me cute…my parents never said such words to me, it was like he was my second father” he reminisced, staring blankly at the ice beneath his feet.

“Why don’t you tell me more about your hyung then, he seems to be very important to you huh?” I suggested, sitting down at the nearest bench.

Henry sat down at my side,“Yeah…we grew up in a strange family environment, it wasn’t one that every normal person could cope with. Our parents were never home and there was no such thing as ‘family time’, not even at Christmas or Chuseok”

“Did you ever know why your parents were out all the time? Usually parents who own their own businesses are busy people”

“Y-Yeah, they had their own business…”

“What kind was it? Was it retail, hospitalitly, medicine?”

“It wasn’t anything like that…”

“Then?”

“It was just…business”

I stopped questioning Henry as I noticed his answers were getting shorter, and shorter.

“I do miss my parents though…” he confessed quietly.

“Well maybe during summer vacation you can go visit them”

“But I don’t think I can…”

“Well even if they are overseas, they’re just one flight away. I’ll help you pay for your ti-“

“There’s no flight to heaven”

My mouth gaped open but I quickly closed it again.

“Henry…I’m sorry…”

“My parents passed away a year ago in an accident”

I was too guilt ridden to speak.

“Eunice, don’t you feel like some tteokbokki?” he asked suddenly, changing the subject.

I stuttered a bit before speaking, “A-Aren’t you full from your gingerbread?”

He shook his head, “I’m still hungry, and I need to eat it. You know why?”

This time I shook my head.

“Hyung used to always make tteokbokki on Christmas Eve because, even on this day, our parents wouldn’t be home” he answered solemnly.

“Well here take this, buy me a little too. We passed the tteokbokki stall a few minutes ago on the corner of that street” I pointed, placing some money in his hand.

Henry nodded, “I’ll be back soon!”

I watched him weave through the trees and back onto the busy road, before disappearing around the corner to the previous street.

***

I exhaled another breath and turned my head every few minutes looking out for Henry coming back with our tteokbokki.

The sound of crunching snow shot through the peacefulness of the empty park.

I turned my head to the noise.

It was Henry’s forgiving ahjusshi.

Both of his hands were slipped into the pockets of his black cropped coat. His grey scarf s around his neck and concealed his lips and nose. He walked at a slow pace, loose snow flicking off the fronts of his faux suede lace ups, and his solemn eyes wandered from them to the path ahead. His legs shivered in his fitting black jeans and the zip detail along the sides clinked with every movement.

He approached, and my nose picked up on a familiar sweet smell. It wasn’t cologne.

He came closer.

I was only in his shadow for a mere second before his aura passed like a grey cloud on a dull autumn’s day.

Then something dropped out of his pocket.

I looked from his dark figure to the crumpled object embedded in the snow.

Hesitantly I gathered the frail mass into my cold palms.

It was an image.

A still memory of him and someone I knew so well.

Me.

“Kim Kibum!” I called, feet firmly on the ground.

The tall figure stood still.

I ran towards him, his sweet scent growing stronger by the second.

Our bodies collided and I locked my arms around his waist, my cheek against his shoulder blade.

“Why did you leave without me?”

He lay his hands on top of mine, and I felt his warmth against the backs of my hands.

With one swift movement, he turned and gazed deeply into my eyes with his coffee centred orbs.

All the feelings that had been stored away flooded back as I contemplated the perfect canvas in front of me. His soft black hair framed his flawless face and his fringe was brushed a little to the right, shading his contoured eyebrows. His eyes were full of regret and sorrow, and dark shadows had formed under them, probably due to sleepless nights. His lips were thin and as pale as ever, but my own lips tingled at the thought.

“Eunice, I’m sorry…”

“I don’t need an apology, I just want you to tell me why”

He bit his lip and looked up into the starless night sky before exhaling a breath of visible air.

“On that day two years ago I received a call. My parents had been killed in a mafia brawl in Italy. They were found lifeless at a rundown farm in the countryside”

I parted my lips to speak but the words were jammed in my throat.

“They were stupid enough to involve themselves with the underbelly of the law. So I had no choice but to return to Italy to deal with their debts to the mafia. I didn’t want to take you with me because I couldn’t let anything happen to you. Taking risks with the mafia meant risking death, and my parents learnt that the hard way”

“Kibum…I-I never would have guessed…if only you had said something before you left”

“I know you. If I had said anything more you would have begged me to take you with me, right?”

I casted my eyes down. He was right.

He lifted my chin with his fore finger, “At least I’m back for you now”

Little white smidges began to drift from the pitch black darkness above, as though the once absent stars were falling from the sky.

He lent forward, and this time his warm affection was felt upon the surface of my lips.

I looked up at him shyly, and his lips curved into an adoring smile.

I rested my head on his chest and his arms encircled my waist.

“Kibum, do you know what I wished for this Christmas?”

He shook his head.

“This Christmas I didn’t want to be alone”

He chuckled softly, “And so you aren’t”

Suddenly we heard gentle puffing from behind.

It was Henry.

His eyebrows were raised and his mouth fell open.

“Hyung…?”

***

Spring

 

The trees rustled gently in the breeze and its lucid lime leaves hushed to each other.

Small squirrels scuttled agilely up rough tree trunks only to find a few bronze acorns and newborn baby birds chirping a chorus.

“Hyung, hyung! Look! It’s a chipmunk!” Henry squealed, sneaking around the foot of the large oak.

Kibum sat back on the cherry plaid picnic blanket and looked up obliviously into the treetops.

“Where?”

I laughed and pointed at Henry scratching at the bark.

“There!”

Kibum beamed his perfect smile and pulled me to his side.

“I’m not a chipmunk Eunice, chipmunks are like this” he said, imitating one effortlessly.

Kibum and I burst out into a wave of amused laughter as Henry stuffed two large grapes into his mouth and puffed up his cheeks.

“Dront I r-rook rike ar chirmpmurnk?” Henry stuttered, trying to keep the fruit in his mouth.

“Try approaching the chipmunks now, you’ll fit right in” Kibum joked.

Henry perked up at the idea and nodded his head eagerly before snooping around the trees again.

I lay down and Kibum let me rest my head on his lap.

“Eunice, what do you want next Christmas?” he asked, brushing my fringe out of my eyes.

I smiled and shook my head.

“Nothing at all, I just need you”