When the alarm wakes you up you don’t even need to open your eyes to know that it’s still dark outside. But you have to get up right away. Even if it’s cold and the bed seems more inviting that ever. Your bedroom is illuminated only by streetlight, until you finally reach for flip the switch on the wall.

The sudden brightness blinds you temporarily and you keep rubbing your eyes, while searching for something warm to wear. You’ve been extremely cold lately. And you know it has nothing to do with the fall rolling over. Neither can you warm yourself with a sweatshirt or hot tea, which you still choose to drink seated by your kitchen island.

The house is quiet. No noise is coming from the television, no clashing comes from the computer and no buzzing of the kitchen. It’s just you. Drinking tea. Eyes drooping with sleepiness, but you can’t go back to sleep.

Today is an important day for Tae. He’ll be going on his first ever trip from kindergarten and he has been excited about it for months. Yesterday, before sleep, he very politely asked you to bake him his favorite cookies to go. Although you knew making the dough would take at least an hour and would have to be chilled overnight, you couldn’t refuse. You have a feeling that Tae wants to impress a pretty girl he’s been sending smiles to quite frequently lately. And you can’t let your son’s hopes and expectations down.

It’s already bright when the cookies are ready to be served. But this time you’ve managed to iron Tae’s clothes, send the used ones to the washing machine, clean the kitchen and feed the little puppy running around in the house. Sometimes you’re also impressed in what you learned to do over the time.

Soon you hear the door open somewhere in the house and in a few seconds your little boy is walking towards you, rubbing his eyes. He looks the cutest when he’s like this. Sleep hasn’t left his body yet and somehow, with his warm pajamas, he looks even fluffier. You can’t hold back and hurry to him, before scooping him in your arms and kissing every inch of his face.

“Good morning, Mommy.” he manages to warm your heart even more.

“Good morning, sweetie.” you try to tame his hair. “So how was sleeping without a nightlight on?” It was the first time you managed to persuade your son to turn off his bedside lamp. You know he’s still so small, but his brace act is definitely important.

Tae rubs his neck under his ear. A nervous gesture you’ve mostly familiar with from another person. It’s amazing how much Tae can be exactly like him.

“I turned it on after you left.” Your son confesses. He’s looking down and you know he’s embarrassed but most of all, you’re once again struck by his honesty.

“Don’t be shy, sweetheart.” you coo, while hugging him closer to your chest. “It’s your lamp, so you can sleep with it if you want.” You notice Tae is still not looking at you. “You know, I used to sleep with a light on even when I was in university. There’s nothing embarrassing about not liking darkness.”

At this his eyes light up and you know he doesn’t feel bad anymore. Suddenly he sniffs and it’s clear that he can smell the cookies spread to cool on kitchen table.

“Mom, you actually made them?” he practically yells, already running to grab a bite.

“Of course I did. Didn’t you ask for them?” Tae’s face shows true happiness and you know he’s thinking about all his friends he can share the cookies with.

Although he doesn’t know how you had to deprive yourself of sleep to make his wish come true. And you’re glad. Tae doesn’t even go to school yet, but you can feel that he understand so much more that kids his age. Maybe it’s for the best for the children not to know about how much their parents’ compromise and sacrifice to ensure their kids’ happiness. It’s absolutely unconditional and that is exactly why it’s so beautiful to be a parent. Four years ago you wouldn’t have thought you’d be able to completely forget about yourself for the sake of another person.

And while you watch your son devour his favorite sweets for breakfast, you’re painfully reminded of your current situation. But, to be honest, does the horrific coldness ever leave your body?

You’re alone everything tells you.

He’s probably sleeping in an apartment he rented.

After he left you.

An unpleasant shiver makes its way down your spine. He left you. He left the house. He’s sleeping somewhere else right now. Away from his family and home.

But unfortunately, you’re not sure whether he still calls this house his home or not.

And suddenly you’re once again grateful that Tae doesn’t blame you for everything.

The doors of the bus aren’t even fully open when Tae jumps out and runs to meet his teacher and classmates. You follow and politely greet the teacher and fellow parents. You’ve managed to make friends among them, but looking around you’re reminded that most of them are older, lonely housewives, looking for drama to discuss over a cup of coffee. And you’re scared that they can see right through you. That they know who you really are. A woman whose husband left her. A woman so intolerable that he husband decided to live away from his child too. You can actually hear their voices whispering in your head and you wonder who’s the one pressured by school and friends - your son or you. You realize that cold shiver never has left your body.

Tae makes his way over to you and you know what he’ll ask before he voices it.

“Why isn’t daddy here?”

You’re afraid of that question. You’re also afraid that maybe some other moms heard too. But more so you’re scared of how much your son is probably hurting right now. “He promised he’s come when I called him yesterday.” Tae’s voice is getting weaker by the second and so is your heart. Jongin also left you with another great responsibility which is trying to not let your son’s heart be broken.

“I know, sweetheart.” you start. “I called him and he told me to tell you he’s sorry. Your dad is doing an important task at work and his boss doesn’t want to let him go. He said he wishes nothing more than to see you go on your trip to zoo, but sadly can’t.” You know Tae is trying his best to stop the tears from coming. “Don’t be sad, okay? Daddy will visit in the evening so you can tell him how you spent the day with animals, okay?” You truly try your best to make the situation less hurtful for everyone.

Tae smiles widely but you know the tears are there, hidden behind his round eyes.

“Of course.” he says. “He should come after the trip when I can tell him all about the zoo. Why does it matter if he comes now, or not?” His smile is shining and somehow it hurts you even more.

You’re absolutely numb by now.

Since it’s a workday, the zoo isn’t packed. Tae is in the terrarium right now and since the space is already tight inside, the parents decided to stay outside allowing the teacher to lead. You manage to get away from others to do something you’re itching to do. But you’re also scared too.

You’re calling Jongin.

The lie you told Tae in the morning isn’t a complete lie. You did call Jongin but he didn’t answer. And you would have rather died than say that to your son.

Now it takes nine seconds for him to pick up. You counted. You take a deep breath because you know you’ll hear his perfect velvety voice and you pray that he’s didn’t just wake up because that’s when he sounds the most beautiful.

“Hello?” he asks and you almost curse. His voice is even huskier than you’re used to. “You called in the morning?”

Suddenly you’re angry. Because how dare he not remember the promise he made to your precious son.

“Are you kidding?” You ask. “I’m at the zoo right now and I how you’re proud because Tae cried when you didn’t show up.”

There’s silence and then you know he threw something on the ground. With force. And a lot of frustration.

“, I… I completely forgot.” There’s silence again. “I was clubbing yesterday and I guess I drank too much. I’m so sorry.” You know he is sorry. Even though he doesn’t live with you anymore he’s still the same amazing human being. Making mistakes.

“Since when do you go to clubs and since when do you drink?”  You don’t have your priorities sorted right now and you know it well. He seems to notice too.

“Since I felt like it?” Jongin forms it like a question and the tone makes you feel like you’ve crossed the line in to his private life. Then you remember there never used to be a line to start with.

“All I know is that Tae’s waiting for you tonight.” You tell him, still a little embarrassed.

“Ugh, tonight? I-”

“I don’t care.” you cut him off. “Jongin, your son cried because his dad forgot his first ever trip from school, no matter what you have planned, you own your son this night.”

You both sigh.

And maybe both of you know why exactly you’re saying these things. You want to see him. Need to see him. Even more than Tae maybe. You don’t have to admit it.

“Of course.” he murmurs. “Of course I’ll come.”

You’ve already cooked dinner and cleaned the house. Twice. Jongin usually gets off work during this time, so obviously you heart is already beating like crazy.

He doesn’t usually visit this house anymore. Since he left three weeks ago all his dates with Tae have been somewhere outside. In a park. Fast Food restaurant. Bubble Tea shop, but never your home. You guess he doesn’t feel comfortable here anymore. Cold shiver wakes up your numb body again.

You’re made sure the food is tasty several times. The sauce for the chicken is as sweet as it is sour. The side dishes are perfectly aligned, symmetrically. But you don’t dare bring the plates yet. You will admit it but only to yourself that you’re anxious. If you put a plate for him, he’ll think you did all of this to impress him, to maybe somehow remind him that it didn’t always feel bad at home. He’ll think you tried too much. And he’ll be absolutely correct.

On the other hand, if you only serve two plates, for you and Tae, the chances of him feeling welcome will be tarnished.

So you decide on the safest option. You will leave the table as it is, as if you haven’t finished at all. You know you’ve thought of a good plan, but the anxiety won’t stop churning around in your belly. He’s coming over to play with Tae. He’s coming over. He’s coming-

The bell rings.

Before you know it, your little boy is running to get the door and you can’t even breathe properly, because now you’ve met with a scene of your husband hugging your child close to his heart. He keeps kissing Tae’s head and you can definitely hear apologies leaving his mouth, because of what happened in the morning, but you know it’s unnecessary. Tae couldn’t forgive him, because he wasn’t even mad in the first place.

That’s how much he loves his dad.

You know Tae has already started his nonstop talking about his trip to the zoo, so you know it’s your time to step in.

“Tae, come sit and then tell your story so your dad can understand, okay?” You smile at him and you wonder if Jongin knows that your words were rehearsed.

“We were just planning to eat dinner.” you add. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” Jongin nods. “I’ll eat with you, guys.” He says and picks up Tae to sit around the low table.

For now, you wish that Jongin’s ability to see all right through you disappeared right when his love for you did.

You don’t have to fake a smile, your family is finally eating around the same table again. And you must admit you heart clenched when Jongin took his regular seat, right at the head of the table.

He inhales everything you’ve given him, which makes you happy. Although he doesn’t start a conversation with you, he talks continuously with Tae and keeps listening to his never-ending story about tigers and elephants.

An hour slips quickly and Tae excuses himself for the toilet. You smile at your son, but inside you feel like a teenager left all alone with her crush.

But Jongin isn’t your crush.

He’s your husband.

And he left you.

You keep looking around nervously and he starts playing with the food on his plate.

“It’s tasty.” he says, still not looking at you.

“I heard you’re seeing someone.” You respond.

You’ve been wanting to ask this for so long but the fear eating you out was stronger. What makes it worse is that you’ve heart it. From someone else. Meaning there are people talking about your current life. It’s embarrassing to think that they know the truth.

“Yes, I am.” He casually responds and you notice that he doesn’t say it to spite you. To make you feel bad or hurt you. He just says is so casually like it’s absolutely normal for him and it only makes the pain a hundred times more unbearable.

He’s seeing someone else.

Another woman.

Someone who’s not you.

And only one question leaves your mouth.

“Was she there while you were with me?” it seems important for you. It is very important.

“No, she wasn’t.” And you believe him. How can you not? Why would he lie if he’s so easily saying things that are knives to our already damaged heart?

He left three weeks ago. Three weeks, four days and two hours ago.

To this day, you still feel like you’re watching your life through a big screen. You feel like it’s just some sort of twisted drama. You don’t experience anything. You’re confused, still not remembering clearly how he left. Why he left. What was the last ? Did he really hate everything so much?

Because all you’ve felt with him beside you was warmth and love.

So why did he choose a different path? Were you too harsh? Too inconsiderate? Did you not listen to him enough? Not make him feel loved? You’re clearly still in the I wasn’t enough phase and you’re doubting it’ll ever end.

You doubt you’ll ever believe he really left.

Your dreams or nightmares about waking up next to him only makes you feel like it’s true.

Every single day has been nothing but tears and silent screams in your room, because you have to deal with all of it, while making sure your son is okay. Your life is ruining but even for once, you can’t make yourself a priority.

“Where’s Tae?” Jongin asks. “I have to leave, I wanna say goodbye.” A single silent tear rolls down your cheek and you don’t even have the energy to hide it. You can hear it drip down in the stew you spent hours making and it only makes the situation more heartbreaking.

You stay seated, while hearing Jongin tell your son that he has to leave now. Your eyes aren’t focused, but your gazing on the spot where your first tear disappeared, while the rest are unceremoniously leaving your eyes.

You stay seated, but you can hear the desperation in Tae’s voice as he begs his father to stay just a bit more. You don’t look up as Jongin kisses his head and explains how he’s so busy, so he has to sleep earlier.

You can’t care about your form as Jongin looks over at you to say goodbye, but for some reason stops midsentence and leaves the house, not forgetting to hug Tae one last time.

It’s painful.

You thought you were numb. You were numb, but this continuous pain wakes every muscle in your body and forces them to stay awake through your torture. You feel the warmth as Tae slips to sit between your legs, wipes your tears and hugs you. His shaking form makes you realize how hard he’s crying and once again you’ve forgotten about your pain and hug your son closer and search for any positive feelings inside your body and send them through him.

His shivering is slowly stopping as you continue to kiss his face and hum a loving lullaby in his ear. Your chest is dam from his tears and it breaks your heart over and over again to see your son in this state. In a state when you can’t help him.

“Why doesn’t dad love me anymore?”

How? How will you make your son believe that it’s not his fault? How can you tell him that it’s because of you? Because his dad couldn’t keep living with his mom, so he left.

And keeps leaving.

Only now you realize that every single day when Jongin doesn’t return home is adding pain to the your big, big jar. It never gets easier. Especially for Tae.

“Your dad loves you and wants to be with you.” You say. “Don’t forget that sweetheart.”

It’s late when Tae finally falls asleep in your arms. You hope he’s happy at least in his dreams.

That night, you pray for the longest.

I hope you liked the first chapter!!!!

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