Log 001

“You lent a small hand when I tripped into a pile of leaves.”

 

 

{ 13 years ago }

 

“Okay Nari-ah, umma has to talk to someone on the phone. Why don’t you make some friends and play with them over there.” Her finger directed the five year old eyes to the group of boys and girls her age.

 

My feet stood together, rubber boot pressed against each other. My eyes bulged out of its socket in fear. I twiddled my thumbs and looked down, not moving from my spot.

 

Mom put her hand on my shoulder and softly pushed me towards the playground. “Go, go. Have fun, I’ll get you when I’m done talking.”

 

I trembled under her touch, but moved towards the swings and slides, not wanting mom to wait because of me. My steps were slow, but heavy. I looked behind my shoulders at mom and sighed. She waved her hands to keep going, before walking away on the phone.

 

My feet could feel the mulch move under my weight. I peered at the playground, looking at what I could do. My right hand wiped the tears that brimmed around my eyes.

 

I was terrified. I was never separated from mom ー she was the only person I saw and could talk to. The smell of wet leaves clogged my stuffy nose. I sniffled my snot back and wondered what I could do until mom came back.

 

They all laughed and chased each other around. They chattered and played on the slides and seesaw together. I didn’t know how to talk to them and I didn’t want to cry in front of them either. I felt lonely without mom, she would've helped me or played with me. I didn’t need anybody else.

 

I saw no one sitting on a swingset; excited that I can swing aimlessly by myself. That or I could sit there and just wait for mom. My feet maneuvered their way around the outskirt borders of the playground to the swings. I was about to touch the metal chains and hop on the seat when a boy grabbed the other metal chain. The plastic seat pulled closer towards him and away from my grasp.

 

“I want to ride the swing.” My eyes looked at the chubby faced boy with crescent eyes. He smiled at me as I retracted my arm back. I opened my mouth, but closed it when I couldn’t utter a word back. In the end, I just nodded and turned my back to quickly walk away.

 

I heard the boy call his hyung to push him, feeling jealous how happy he had a friend to play with. I felt liquid rising to my eyes again, and I wanted to just cry to myself on why I cried a lot.

 

I walked off the playground to the walkway surrounded by trees. I didn’t stray far enough, but a good distance that mom could still find me. My feet kicked tiny pebbles off the cold ground and into the air. My heart raced when I kicked one really high before smacking onto the group of matted leaves.

 

My hand gathered lots of little pebbles to kick on the side of my boot, trying to keep it in the air for a long time. A large smile plastered my face ー one I never showed. The joy of keeping the pebble up for 20 seconds and going somehow brought me joy.

 

I kicked the pebble a little too high this time and skipped to hit the stone before it touched the ground. My feet slid along a wet leaf and I thrashed my body around. Nonetheless, my elbow hit the wet floor first before my joined in. My faded jeans sat on a pile of wet leaves as I rubbed my arm in pain.

 

The tears suddenly gushed down my rosy cheeks. I sniffled and hiccupped at my clumsiness and the dirt seeping into my pants. My runny nose leaked hot liquid as I rubbed it away with my knuckles.

 

A small hand appeared in my face as I looked up innocently at whose it is. I came face to face with a boy whose hair is covered with a blue-knitted beanie. His face was covered with a thick yellow scarf with blue stars - a little too big for him - and locks of hair that fell out of his hat. He beamed a rectangular smile and spoke cheerily.

 

“Ahh why are you crying? Let’s get you up!”

 

I stared at his hand with big pupils, unsure if I should take his hand. I hiccuped and gasped when he decided to grab my hand and pull me up. His arm pul