“I’m not going to poison you, relax,” the man says with a laugh. He sits on the other side of the table, nudging his head towards the plastic cups he had set out for the three of them.

Eunwoo reaches out for a cup, but Nayoung grabs her wrist cautiously and the cup stops inches away from her pale lips.

The man sighs and grabs one of the cups, consequently downing an entire cup with a thirst like he hasn’t drank in days.

“It’s safe, see? Just water, I swear,” he says as he urges once more for the girls to take the drinks. “My name is Sidao.”

“Jieqiong.”

As the other two engage the man in conversation, Nayoung takes the opportunity to glance around. They had followed him to a farmhouse that stands alone in the middle of open farmland just at the edge of the forest.

For a moment, Nayoung forgets the world outside as her eyes explore her surroundings. The place is well-kept, a few dirty dishes sit in the sink, a tea kettle boils on the stove, unused chairs are neatly pushed in to the table, and undisturbed picture frames of smiling faces hang on the wall. Everything is free of dust.

It’s strange, really, now that Nayoung takes it all in. It seems so ordinary and peaceful, seemingly unaffected by the nightmare past the doorstep.

“…live here by myself.”

Nayoung just catches the end of the man’s sentence as she turns her attention back to the others. Jieqiong and Eunwoo are eagerly sipping the cups now. They hadn’t had water for a while since they left the treehouse. Sidao engages with them kindly with a warm smile that matches all too well with the atmosphere of the house.

Suddenly, Nayoung gets up from the table. “Thank you for your kindness, but,” she pauses to glance at Jieqiong and Eunwoo, “we should get going.”

“The sun is setting,” Sidao tells her. “Do you want to go in the dark? You can stay the night, if you’d like, and then leave at first light.”

“We’re fine,” Nayoung answers without hesitation as she glances at the girls once more to urge them to get up.

“If you wish,” Sidao says. “But don’t go on an empty stomach. I have food, so let me feed you three, at least.”

“Why?”

Sidao raises his eyebrows at Nayoung, visibly taken aback by her cautiousness. “Act of kindness.” A short pause. Seeing that Nayoung doesn’t look any less suspicious than before, Sidao continues, “I sense that you don’t trust me. That’s fine. I’m not keeping you three from leaving this house. But at least let me feed you some food before you go off. You won’t find many fruit trees and berry bushes in the countryside.”

Nayoung tenses up in hesitation, but then Jieqiong touches her hand and looks at her with soft eyes.

“If you’re that cautious, keep your weapons at your side then. Attack me whenever you feel the need too,” Sidao tells them. He puts his hands up. “I mean no harm. Please believe me.”

“We’ll stay for dinner and figure out later if we’ll stay the night,” Jieqiong tells him. “Thank you, Sidao.”

“Jieqiong–“

“It’s okay,” Jieqiong says to Nayoung, her hand still on hers. “We’ll be fine, Nayoung. We need to rest. We’ve been running for days.”

Jieqiong is soft, Nayoung notes. Soft eyes, soft voice, soft hands. Nayoung can feel the callousness of the younger girl’s hands, see the dirt on her clothes, and notice the dishevelment of her appearance from spending days surviving in the forest.

But even then, she is soft in all interpretations and meanings of the word. The contrast leaves Nayoung in a daze as her words of protest dissolve in , like smoke dissipating in thin air, with one glance from Jieqiong.

Nayoung pushes her hesitation and unease at their situation to the back of her mind. It joins memories of a past she has desperately tried to hold on to but failed.

She yields to Jieqiong yet again, like always. It’s remarkable how her wall can so easily take hits from this one person, but is seemingly indestructible to everyone else.

Jieqiong gives her a reassuring smile as the noise of clattering plates and a stove being sound distant in Nayoung’s head.

vii.

A servant
of wile-weaving
Aphrodite…

/

From the window of the farmhouse’s second-floor bedroom, Nayoung finds herself staring into the night again, though not at the moon or a growling creature dragging itself through the dirt. Instead, her eyes cast downwards to the figures at the swing set in the backyard.

Jieqiong and Eunwoo sit on two swings, side-by-side with their backs to the house. A firm grasp connects them as they hold hands.

“They’re quite close.”

Sidao’s voice makes her jump as she turns her head to find him standing next to her, his eyes also set on the two girls on the swing set.

“So you’ve noticed.”

Sidao chuckles. “Of course I have, it doesn’t take 20/20 vision to see that they’re together.”

Nayoung only hums in response.

“Must be nice for them,” Sidao says with a sigh, “To have someone you can depend on and trust wholeheartedly. Especially in a world like this, it’s very important and…incredible.”

“Did you have someone like that?” Nayoung asks him for the sake of conversation. She figures this will keep her mind off of certain things.  

“Yes. But…her time came long ago. It was quite possibly the lowest I’ve felt in my entire life. Still, I refused to lose my will to live,” he answers, but there’s no sadness in voice. Instead, it sounds more like acceptance. 

Nayoung doesn’t quite understand him, but nods her head anyways.

Sidao nudges his head towards the swing set. “I can tell they’re each other’s will to live. So what’s yours?”

Nayoung’s eyes set on Jieqiong. “Them.”

“Really?”

“Yes, they’re my friends. They have been for a very long time, well before all of this happened.”

“Both of them?”

Nayoung turns to him with narrowed eyes, wondering what he is getting to. “Of course.”

“Hm,” Sidao hums, his attention still directed towards the swing set. “I saw you earlier. The way your eyes changed when she grabbed your hand.”

Nayoung stiffens. “…I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“You softened at her touch. Don’t deny it when it was noticeable from a mile away. I’m sure your other friend may have noticed it too. You look at her like how she looks at Eunwoo – with eyes full of warmth.”

Nayoung bites her lip. She has never realized that she was so transparent. However, she is not in the mood to have salt rubbed in her wounds and hear words she’s already told herself thousands of times before.

“It’s none of your business nor is it your concern,” she says quietly. She watches as Jieqiong tugs on Eunwoo’s swing and pulls the other girl towards her, their lips crashing into each other recklessly like two teenage runaways hiding from their parents. They break apart and Jieqiong’s roaring laughter fills the night air as Eunwoo ruffles her hair.

Nayoung spins on her heels at once and walks away from the window. Sidao follows her steps behind her as they sit on the bed.

 “Sometimes, they act far too carefree considering the ty lives we are currently leading,” Nayoung grumbles.

“Everyone needs a break. Sometimes, you just need to get away from it all. Seems like they’re each other’s escape. Let them be,” Sidao says with a sigh and Nayoung feels that his words hit far too close to home. Not sure how to reply, she remains quiet. Nayoung still isn’t in the mood to be lectured about something she already knows anyways.

But fearing the awkward silence they could unknowingly fall into, she speaks up. “The escape is just temporary.”

“You’re right. The pleasure and repose may be temporary, but it’s worth it for the peace of mind. Keeps you from going insane and…all that.”

“What’s your escape?” she asks suddenly, desperate to switch conversation topics, as her head turns to face him.

“Still searching. She’s gone, but it’s okay. I’ll search for however long it takes me. Until my time has come.”

Nayoung doesn’t know what the last sentence means. She ignores it. “Still? Don’t you ache for pleasure and repose?”

“Everyday,” he answers. “I ache for her touch and her words and the comfort and ease they put me in. I imagine, but it’s difficult when there’s nothing material for me to touch and…feel. Even for just a moment.”

“I understand,” Nayoung says and she does understand. She understands like no other. Out loud, Sidao had said the words that floated in her head; words that she was too fearful to confront herself.

“Do you?”

Nayoung hums. “I do.” She thinks of Jieqiong’s touches. “And the worst part is that there is something material for me to touch. Except it doesn’t feel the same because I know she doesn’t feel it the way I do.”

“You’re aching.” And then Sidao laughs, prompting Nayoung to glare at him. “I’m sorry for laughing. It’s just that all night, you’ve avoided my eyes, didn’t say a word at the table, and regarded me as coldly as possible. Now it feels like I’m talking to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve.”

Nayoung shrugs and slumps her shoulders. “You draw out emotions, I guess. You have that effect.”

Sidao smirks. “What, you find me…charming? Is my charisma inspiring?”

Nayoung chuckles at his teasing words and then their eyes meet. They consequently fall into the silence she had been dreading all night.

“Temporary pleasure and repose.” The words leave Nayoung’s lips senselessly as she feels the sudden ache to let go for even just a short moment.

“Temporary pleasure and repose,” Sidao echoes her as he holds her gaze.

The room is dark, except for the light of the moon coming in through the window. Sidao’s voice is strangely enticing. He speaks fluently, though with a heavy accent that suggests a Chinese descent. Nayoung wonders why she hasn’t asked him if he was Chinese yet. He is young; perhaps three years her senior, maybe four, but definitely not older than six. Not the most handsome Nayoung has seen, but well, she’s never paid much attention to men anyways and Sidao’s ruggedness is accounted for considering the world they live in now.

Nayoung’s ears perk up at the echo of Jieqiong’s laughter from outside in the backyard. She aches for an escape.

She lunges forward to capture Sidao in a kiss and he doesn’t pull away. His lips are chapped and his skin is rough to her touch as she feels the stubble on his jaw. His fingers cautiously graze her side and his calloused hands leave no sensation on her skin as he reciprocates her actions.

He is completely different from Jieqiong; the precise antithesis of who Nayoung desires the most. She knows this is a terrible idea.

But his breath tastes of spearmint toothpaste and the atmosphere fosters the destruction of inhibitions. Nayoung is tired and out of her mind. She’s at the end of her rope, desperately clinging on. She feels nothing, yet she keeps going.

So at this eleventh hour, she lets go. For temporary pleasure and repose, she lets go. To help push any thoughts of Jieqiong deeper into the abyss of her racked mind, Nayoung loses her senses and lets go.

vii.

I desire
And I crave.

//