phainetai moi

31. 

whoever sits beside you, and close,
who listens to you sweetly speaking
and laughing temptingly;
my heart flutters in my ,
whenever I look quickly, for a moment--
I say nothing, my tongue broken,
a delicate fire runs under my skin,
my eyes see nothing, my ears roar,
cold sweat rushes down me,
trembling seizes me,
I am greener than grass,
to myself I seem
needing but little to die.
But all must be endured,

//

The head separates from the torso with a cracking bloody thwack and the zombie collapses to the ground, its now-decapitated body writhing beside its unattached head.

“Holy . Nice swing?” said between huffs and puffs. 

Nayoung turns her head to face the source of the voice. She finds Jieqiong looking at her, out of breath, but still grinning in awe.

She looks down at the bat in her hands, now stained with blood of the undead, and manages to let out a tired laugh. The first in a long time. “Aim for the brain, not the heart. Softball at the country club paid off after all.”

“I wouldn’t know. I was more of a golf gal.”

“Okay, can we postpone the chit chat?” Eunwoo interrupts, her chest heaving. They had been running for a while and it seems like they won’t be stopping any time soon. “There are more coming.”

She nods her head towards the distance and both Nayoung and Jieqiong follow her line of sight. The figures grow larger as the group trudges towards them; their heads twitching, their skin a nasty shade of gray, their faces unrecognizably grotesque, and their mouths stained with the blood of unlucky souls.

“We need to keep running. Come on.” Jieqiong instinctively grabs Eunwoo’s hand and pulls the other girl towards her protectively.

Nayoung can only clutch her bat tighter. She stares down the daunting group coming towards them slowly; she can’t kill them all, she knows she can’t. A voice yelling out her name tears her gaze away from the zombies and soon, she finds herself running after Jieqiong and Eunwoo as they escape.

It’s not a hand gripping her arm that’s pulling her away, just the mere shouts of ‘Nayoung!’. It’s barely enough, but she runs after the voice anyways because she always does.

Chasing. She is always chasing.

i.

Aphrodite has crushed me with desire
for a tender youth.

//

Nayoung doesn’t remember when she started chasing. Perhaps she’s always been running. But she can recall the moments she realized she wanted to – had to – chase.

/

“What are you doing here?”

Jieqiong joins her at the balcony of some suburban manor, away from the murmurs of conversation inside the house. It was all too much for Nayoung; too artificial, too meaningless, too much. She needed fresh air.

“I think I might just explode if I hear another arrogant mother blabbing about a child of hers receiving full scholarship at a SKY university,” Nayoung answers her.

Jieqiong lets out a loud laugh, unabashed and completely opposite of the suppressed chuckles inside the house from people who purposely hold themselves back to maintain an image. Nayoung finds the younger girl extraordinarily refreshing.

“Hey, I got into Yonsei with a scholarship,” Jieqiong says in a teasing tone.

“Of course you did,” Nayoung tells her, only eliciting another carefree laugh from the other girl. “And I got into a new K-drama with a bag of popcorn.”

Jieqiong puts a comforting arm around Nayoung’s shoulders and the latter freezes (and not because of the breeze). “Hey. happens. You learn to move on. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get into the top percentile of the class, so don’t beat yourself up. You’ll graduate, I know you will.”

“I think my mother secretly wants to crucify me.”

Of all her siblings, Nayoung had gotten some of the lowest grades she’s ever scored in her midterm exams. It’s humiliating, really, but she expected it. She was never good at studying. She just always scraped by and it had always been enough.

“All mothers here are like that. But they wouldn’t actually crucify you, so whatever, you know?” Jieqiong says. “Don’t fear others’ disapproval. Or else you’ll end up just like all those other snakes inside the house.”

Nayoung sighs. Jieqiong was never blessed with a silver tongue, but she always knows the right things to say. And the right things to do.

Nayoung feels Jieqiong’s arm leave her shoulders and instead, a wool cardigan graces her with warmth from the evening’s chilly breeze.

“My dad thinks I went to the bathroom so I have to go back before he starts looking for me. It’s cold out here,” Jieqiong says. She gives Nayoung’s shoulder a comforting pat. “You can return my cardigan to me later. Cheer up, will you? And keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. Do it for me.”

Nayoung understands why everyone adores Jieqiong. It’s obvious, really. She is pretty inside and out; the kind that gives so much love, but never usually the same kind of love she receives from her admirers. Her heart is in full display, but locked behind a cage.

Everyone chases her and Jieqiong is always out of their reach. Nayoung wonders who would be the lucky one to open the cage and receive Jieqiong’s affections one day. She hopes it could be her. 

Before leaving, Jieqiong grins at her. Nayoung notices that a smile can feel warmer than any wool cardigan.

ii.

Like a sweet-apple
turning red
high
on the tip
of the topmost branch.
Forgotten by pickers.

Not forgotten—
they couldn’t reach it.

//

“I’m running out of water.”

Eunwoo stares at her container with a pitiful gaze.

Usually, they collected rainwater to drink, but the sun had been beating down on them relentlessly for a week. It was difficult to scrape by.

Taking off her backpack, Jieqiong promptly sits beside Eunwoo. She rummages through her bag and pulls out a water bottle a second later, twisting it open and handing it to Eunwoo.

The latter, seeing that the bottle is already half empty, shakes her head vehemently. “No, that’s yours.”

But Jieqiong doesn’t put it away. “Drink it,” she urges. “I’m fine.”

“Jieqiong,” Eunwoo starts, “I’m not going to drink your water.”

“I insist, Eunwoo.”

Nayoung watches her younger friend take the bottle reluctantly. Eunwoo takes a sip so meager, it was barely a sip, but Jieqiong urges her to drink more. Nayoung looks down at her own container. Only now has she realized that it’s empty. 

“Nayoung, do you still have water?” Jieqiong asks.

Nayoung turns to find Jieqiong’s arm outstretched, holding a bottle with only a quarter amount of water left.

 “Yes, I do.” Nayoung declines her offer with a lie, knowing that Jieqiong would leave no water for herself. That thought didn’t sit quite well with Nayoung. “I think we passed by a stream earlier. I’m going to go check it out.”

“I’ll come with–“

“No,” Nayoung interrupts, seeing Jieqiong already getting up from the ground. “Just stay here with Eunwoo.”

Eunwoo looks at Jieqiong. She doesn’t say anything, though from her face, Nayoung can tell that she’d prefer for Jieqiong to stay too.

“But it’s dangerous,” Jieqiong says. “And you can’t carry bottles of water all by yourself. What if you run into a zombie?”

Jieqiong brushes dirt from her clothes and grabs her machete. Nayoung and Eunwoo could only sigh. There was no use in protesting, since Jieqiong always does what she says she will. No amount of objection could stop her from doing what her mind is set on.

“Be right back,” Jieqiong says like a promise as she hands Eunwoo a flare gun and bends down to plant a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Shoot if you’re in danger. Though I know you can probably defend yourself without any help.” She winks, causing Eunwoo to chuckle.

“Be safe,” Eunwoo says, reaching for Jieqiong’s hand. Their fingers intertwine as the latter straightens her back.

Nayoung waits, patiently, for the two to separate. It’s always like this whenever one of them goes off by themselves, even for just a little while to collect some food or do some scouting.

Nayoung used to be bothered by it; bothered by the dramatics, the kisses, the hand-holding as if one of them was going off to war. She was bothered that whenever she left, it would never be like this. No kisses on her head, no hands caressing her cheeks, no reassuring whispers of ‘I’ll be right back’. Not that she aches for it; it would be nice, that’s all, she’d tell herself.

But she is used to it now. And besides, in this terrible world, even a visit to a stream could go awfully wrong.

“Let’s go,” Jieqiong says, giving Nayoung an encouraging smile. “Lead the way.”

/

The forest is eerily quiet.

It’s midday, Nayoung would assume (her watch had stopped working last week), but the only noise that fills the air is the sound of twigs cracking beneath their shoes as they walk through the woods. Not a single bird in the sky or a small creature scurrying.

“Are you sure we passed by a stream earlier?” Jieqiong asks, trudging just a foot or two behind her.

Nayoung only hums in reply because she was sure they passed by a stream earlier. Jieqiong refrains from asking any more questions and the two of them fall back into the silence of the forest yet again.

Though it doesn’t last long when Jieqiong speaks up again. “How long will we walk for?”

“Just a bit more, I know the stream must be close.”

“No, I mean, us three. We’ve been walking for days, Nayoung. Eunwoo is tired. I’m tired. I know you are too. Where are we going?”

They had been following a road for the first few days since they left their last lodging. When more and more zombies began to crowd the road, the three of them decided to turn into the woods, where it was less open and less dangerous – or so they thought, at least.

“There’s a community. Out west,” Nayoung murmurs as her eyes scan the forest for a stream.

“A community? How do you know?”

“I just know,” Nayoung answers her, not wanting to talk about it any further.

She knows. Someone had told her – a while ago, when they were still in the city. She had run into another survivor in a supermarket. He told her about it: a gated community, fortified and safe. They usually weren’t accepting of just anyone, but it doesn’t hurt to give them a chance.

Nayoung listened. She knew then that she had to get to this safe haven. Not for her, but for Jieqiong. And Eunwoo. Nayoung’s priority was protecting her– them. Protecting her friends.

And so she did everything to keep herself alive, even if that meant leaving behind the very person who told her of the haven when the zombies got into the supermarket.

On some nights, Nayoung could still hear his desperate cries for help. She never told Jieqiong and Eunwoo about what happened that day nor does she like to dwell in the memory. She finds the sentiment to be unnervingly overwhelming.

“What do you mean you know?” Jieqiong says and lets out a scoff. “What does that even mean?”

“Just trust me, will you?” Nayoung murmurs quietly. A sound catches her ears: running water?

A sigh escapes lips. “Nayoung, you know I do–“

Jieqiong’s words are cut off by a shriek – her own – and the sound of rustling leaves and breaking branches.

And the next thing Nayoung can process, Jieqiong is dangling off a ditch that they had not noticed before. It dips over a stream of water tens and tens of metres below.

Nayoung acts immediately, grabbing onto Jieqiong’s wrists as the latter’s hands dig desperately into the soft dirt that is threatening to give in and let her fall to her demise.

Jieqiong’s body hangs as her feet struggle to find a foothold on the face of the ditch. Nayoung pulls with all her might, grips on to the other girl’s arm tighter than she has ever gripped, and gathers strength she never thought she had.

And then all of a sudden, like a divine intervention, Jieqiong manages to find a bulging root to put her foot on and uses it to help push herself up. The dirt gives in as her left hand loses grasp, but Nayoung is there firmly grabbing on to her arm.

Nayoung tugs and Jieqiong lifts herself up and then with some toil fostered by desperation, fear, and panic, Jieqiong escapes what would’ve been a nasty fall as Nayoung manages to finally pull her up.

They hastily scurry away from the edge and collapse onto the ground in heavy breaths and heaving chests.

Nayoung notices that Jieqiong appears oddly calm and composed, considering she almost might’ve lost her life.

Meanwhile, Nayoung shakes from the near disaster, as if she was the one who was hanging off the cliff. Jieqiong sees this and immediately crawls over, holding the older girl’s shoulders as tears begin to well in Nayoung’s eyes.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay…”

Jieqiong’s murmurs of comfort fill the air as the forest falls into that familiar eerie silence yet again. She caresses Nayoung with such tender hands, contrasting the dirt that covers her palms and fingers.

Nayoung tries to blink away her watering eyes, bringing up trembling hands to cover her face in shame at her sudden vulnerability.

“You almost…you almost…” Nayoung whispers with quivering lips. Before she could finish her sentence, Jieqiong engulfs her in a hug, firm and reassuring. She whispers words of ease, her hands gentle against Nayoung’s hair.

It’s all too overwhelming for Nayoung; the compassion, the concern, the support. It should be her comforting Jieqiong and it should be Jieqiong trembling dangerously after a near-death experience. It shouldn’t be like this; it should be the other way around.

But she can’t hold back her tears any more as they pour out incessantly. All the fear and suppressed sentiments she has been holding back surges out of her like a sudden hurricane crashing into land. Her whimpers turn to sobs as she allows herself to cry in Jieqiong’s embrace.

Jieqiong. She almost lost Jieqiong.

iii.

Again love, the limb-loosener, rattles me
bittersweet,
irresistible,
a crawling beast.

/

They sat in the forest for a little while longer until Nayoung shed all the tears she could. Even if the crying seemed ceaseless, Jieqiong remained still and held her tight the entire time with her words of comfort and gentle caresses.

By now, her sobs have turned into sniffles. Nayoung uses the sleeves of her shirt to wipe at her red eyes. She keeps her gaze down. Nayoung isn’t sure why; is it because of shame? Dread? Nevertheless, she avoids Jieqiong’s eyes. Nayoung knows that the moment she looks back into those eyes so full of sympathy and humanity, the only thing that it will make her feel is ache.

Her heart throbs; Jieqiong will never look at her like how she looks at Jieqiong, and Jieqiong’s care and worry will never really mean the way she wants it to mean.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Nayoung murmurs. “Are you?”

“I’m okay,” Jieqiong pauses. “Why are you crying?”

Nayoung can only give a measly shrug. Even if she did explain, Jieqiong would never understand. She can’t give her heart to someone who won’t return it.

“It’s okay to be scared.”

“I’m not scared,” Nayoung says. It’s a lie, of course it’s a lie; she’s terrified. Nayoung is worn out, physically and emotionally. 

“I admire you, you know?” Jieqiong tells her.

Nayoung plays with the seam of her shirt. She doesn’t mean it like that, the voice in her head reminds her, not the way you want it to mean. 

“Your selflessness. It’s a ty world. People are cruel. It’s ironic, really, how we end up being more inhuman than the undead. This whole every man for themselves mentality. It’s sad,” Jieqiong says.

Nayoung is reminded of the man she left behind in the supermarket. His drowning shouts and that face of terror she caught a glimpse of just before she turned the corner and ran, her arms full of his food and his supplies.

She shakes her head and grits her teeth. She wonders what Jieqiong would think of her if she was to ever find out about that day. Nayoung pushes away the perturbing thoughts from her head.

“Ruthlessness is a part of human nature,” Nayoung mutters as she pushes herself up from the ground, shrugging away Jieqiong’s hands from her shoulders.

“It is not,” Jieqiong says to her, getting up as well.

It is. Shouldn’t you understand that by now? Nayoung brushes dirt from her clothes and grabs her bag. “Looks like the stream is at the bottom of the ditch. We need to find a way down. Let’s go.”

She begins walking, but Jieqiong stops her. Nayoung looks down at the dirty hand clutching her arm.

“Please don’t tell Eunwoo about what happened to me. I don’t want her to worry.”

Nayoung grabs her hand and pulls her along. “I won’t.”

iv.

As a wind in the mountains
assaults an oak,
Love shook my .

//