Courage

Not everyone is blessed with the courage to be honest with one self. Not everyone has enough courage to face and strive for one’s heart desire. Not everyone has the courage to accept what is to come in future. It took a lot of courage for her to accept that she likes him. It took much more courage for him to admit that he likes her. However that was just it. None have the courage to move further than that.

Being the eldest in the group doesn’t mean she is the most courageous. She may be the one to lead in variety shows or even in stage presence of sorts but when it comes to understanding her own feelings, Nayeon rather not think too much about it because she doesn’t have the confidence that things will work out. She’d rather take many steps backward and watch her members fall in love and embracing love. Nayeon is that timid.

Although Nayeon have been communicating with him via text messaging or video calls, she craves for more. However her conscientious self keeps on reminding her to stop being greedy. Her mind reminds her over and over again not to burden him with any thoughts of being in a relationship.

It would be a lie to say that she is not envious of Sana who is so in love with Kyungsoo. It would be a lie to say that she don't envy the love-hate relationship between Suho and her very own leader Jihyo. It would be a lie to say that she did not envy Sehun and Mina who are actually learning to be more honest with their feelings towards each other although they have yet to embark in a relationship.

She wonders if she is being too greedy if she wants much more than just being his closest friend or special friend. The romantic feeling kind of disappeared when they both treat each other way too comfortably as friends. Maybe she should just walk away? Maybe she should stay away because the possibility of her getting hurt is much bigger. It would be a lie to say that she is not jealous when she saw him being flirty and too friendly with other female idols. BUT who is she to feel that way? She is no one to him.

MN: Gwencana? (She asked startling the elder girls who was staring out the window as she waits her turn for her photoshoot.)

NY: Uhm… You’re done?

MN: Unnie, you’ve been out of sorts these past few days.

NY: I know. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. (She reassures Mina before making her way to the photographer.)

Jihyo then pulled the girls aside as Nayeon was doing her photoshoot.

JHO: Have you girl seen this?

The girls took a moment to absorb the news. Netizen speculate Chanyeol is dating a stewardess. Apparently, they have known each other for a while.

MN: Is this why Nayeon unnie been out of sorts lately?

SN: Is that why she tried to appear nonchalant?

CYG: I’m a little lost. Isn’t Chanyeol oppa and Nayeon unnie dating?

MN: No they are not. They know they like each other but none dare to commit.

SN: Technically Chanyeol oppa isn’t at fault then.

TZY: True, I agree.

CYG: But….

JYG: Stop talking about this. You girls know Nayeon unnie; she will get hurt but will pretend she is perfectly fine.

JHO: She will never share what is her deepest feeling and will end up crying but not share anything.

DH: Even though they don’t commit, how come feelings can change that easily?

CYG: My exact sentiments.

MN: She’s done. Change the topic.

Cold

Nayeon already read what’s on the internet. She is always thankful that her members know her well enough not to probe. In the van, Nayeon couldn’t help but contemplate whether she should text him or not. She wonders if he is fine.

‘Oppa, Gwencana?’

She waited and waited for his response.

‘Uhm…’

He replied feeling annoyed because he felt she is one of those busybody.

‘Mianhe… Didn’t mean to pry’

She apologized as she sensed his annoyed response.

‘You already did. If you are asking for a verification regarding those ‘news’, I have nothing to say’

He answered in a pretty much rude tone.

Nayeon read his response over and over again. Although, she pretty much has gotten used to his cranky moods, sarcasm and ignorant attitude, she would still end up getting hurt. She decided not to response to avoid any quarrel with him.

She smiles to herself trying her best to cheer herself up.

‘It’s okay Nayeon ah. You’re a strong girl. It is not your fault that things turn this way. He deserves his own happiness. Since both of you are in an ‘open’ relationship, it was his right to find someone else’

She tried to convince herself.

At times like this, Nayeon is just so thankful that her schedule is packed and at the very least work takes her mind off those unnecessary feelings inside her. In the van, Nayeon rested her head on Mina’s shoulder. Today is one of those days when she feels like leaning onto someone. Mina pats Nayeon head as the older girls closes her eyes. Jihyo turned to see the eldest looking a little too tired.

Once their schedule ended for the day, they were blessed by a snowing night. In the van, Nayeon suddenly made a unique request to her manager.

NY: Unnie, can we stop by and enjoy the snow for 10 minutes. It is too beautiful to be missed.

JHO: Nadu…. I want to play with the snow too. Please.

Their manager gave in after being persuaded by the girls. They made a stop near the river. Nayeon took off her gloves as she feels the snow on her fingers which are already numb. Mina and Jihyo who was observing her closely could see that he is just bottling up her feelings.

MN: Jihyo ah… maybe falling in love is not the best for us.

JHO: I know right but who are we to stop our feelings. The heart wants what it wants.

MN: True but how long can one hold on to the feelings that we have for someone.

JHO: I feel bad for Nayeon unnie.

MN: Me too.

Once the girls were back in the car, Nayeon was back to her cheerful self, singing to the tunes on the radio. She smiles once again as she saw his message.

‘Let’s talk once you are back at your dorm.’

‘Okay, I will call you once I am back’

After showering and taking her vitamins, Nayeon went to the balcony and dialled his number.

CYL: Uhm, you are back?

NY: Neh… Have you taken your dinner?

CYL: It is 12.30am, what do you think? (He answered her sarcastically.)

There was a moment of awkward silence.

CYL: You no longer like me right? (He suddenly shoots her the question.)

NY: Huh…. What?

CYL: When the boys heard about my dating news, they worry that I will hurt you or that you will get jealous. They are ridiculous right? (He sigh feeling relief that somehow Nayeon is already over her infatuation of him. Or so he assumed.)

NY: So the news is real?

CYL: Neh… I guess I have to give it a shot since she said she really likes me. The company is furious though but what can I say. (He honestly shares his worry with her totally forgetting to get her answer on his first question.)

NY: That’s good oppa. (She said cheerfully trying her best to sound excited as he shares his happiness with her.)

CYL: See, I told them not to worry since we are not in a relationship but they are so paranoid.

Tears already streamed down her face. She doesn’t think she could even utter any other words in fear he would find out she is crying and hurting. She pursed her lips and her freehand rubs her sternum to sooth the aching feeling in her heart. Mina who walks in on the sight of the eldest crying in silence decided to stop their conversation.

MN: Unnie, manager unnie is looking for you. (She said loudly hoping Chanyeol could hear too.)

CYL: , we’ll talk again next time arraso. (He said as he heard the call.)

NY: Uhm… (That is the only word she could say.)

The moment Chanyeol hangs up, Mina quickly embraces Nayeon. After a few minutes, Nayeon peels herself away from Mina and started smiling.

NY: I’m feeling better. Let’s sleep. We have a busy schedule tomorrow.

Nayeon gave her face another wash before settling in bed. Jihyo, Mina and Sana who shares the same room with her, could only watch their unnie pretend to be strong.

Affect, Affecting, Affected

Sana hops in the car and smiles at her boyfriend who looks so cute in a panda onesie. Kyungsoo parks at their usual spot. Sana who has been quiet continued to look at her boyfriend.

DO: Did you miss me so much that you have to look at me like that? (He teases her.)

SN: Ani… I just want to look at your face. You make me happy. (She confesses.)

Kyungsoo reached out his hand as he cups her cheek. His thumb slowly soothes his girlfriend’s nerve. For some reason, today was a little different. There was a distinct sad look in her eyes. If his instinct as right, it has something to do with Chanyeol and Nayeon.

DO: You heard about Chanyeol? (He asked breaking the silence.)

She nodded.

SN: Let’s not talk about him. It’s our ‘us’ time. Let’s talk about us.

DO: Arraso. (He agreed.)

SN: Oppa…

DO: Neh jagi…

SN: What if, just what if one day, your feelings for me change? Would you be honest about it? Would you tell me? (She asked as her voice sinks with a tinge of sadness.)

Kyungsoo could sense that he knew where this was coming from.

DO: Change is constant, Jagiya. If one day, I no longer feel the same about you, you will be the first to know. That is the least I could do for you. (He answered honestly knowing that Sana appreciates it.)

SN: Jincha…

Kyungsoo nodded.

SN: Gomawo oppa for always being honest with me. Your honesty is one of the reason I love you so much. (She admitted with a smile.)

DO: Now, at this moment, you don’t know how happy you have made me feel since we got together. (He said softly but loud enough for her to hear as he tucks her hair behind her ears.)

SN: Oppa... This year because of many reasons, TWICE and EXO become super close. Although right now, it is only you and me who are in a relationship, I am sure you are aware of the others who are conflicted with their feelings.

DO: Uhuh…. So… (He eyes her waiting for her to continue her words.)

SN: If one day, they were to fall out with one another, let’s work hard to not let it affect our relationship, arraso?

DO: Ara, I understand what is in your heart. Sana ya…

SN: Neh oppa….

DO: If one day you feel frustrated with my members for not treating your member’s right, do tell me too. I wouldn’t want you to hide your feelings just to take care of mine. (He asked of her.)

SN: I will try. (She answers him softly as her fingers plays with his.)

Mina was in her room on her bed as she was on video call with Sehun. They were just staring at each other. In her heart, she wondered how long this butterfly in her stomach feeling would last. As her thought drifted away, Sehun couldn’t help but worry.

SH: Mind sharing what is on your mind?

MN: I was just thinking.

SH: About?

MN: Feelings?

SH: For me?

Mina smiles as she identifies his cheeky tone.

SH: I know what is on your mind.

MN: You do?

SH: It has been on mine too.

MN: And what is that?

SH: You are worried about how long we would feel this way for each other.

Mina was a little surprised to know he could understand and read her mind well.

MN: So how long?

SH: I have no answer for that.

MN: Me too and truthfully that scares me.

SH: I am scared too.

MN: What would happen when our feelings are no longer the same? Are we supposed to pretend that those feeling never existed? Are we going to stop talking to one another? How do I even face you when that happens? What if one day, you no longer love me? What am I supposed to do? What if….

SH: Mina ya….. Breathe. (He interrupts the girl asking her to take a deep breath.)

MN: Mianhe oppa. I had so much in my head since I found out that Chanyeol oppa already has a girlfriend.

Sehun wanted to avoid talking about Chanyeol and Nayeon but he knows he couldn’t. Sooner or later, they have to talk about it.

MN: Oppa… If one day, you wake up and realized you no longer love me, what would you do?

SH: Why are you asking me that?

MN: I want to prepare my heart just in case it really happens. I don’t know if I could even handle such a situation.

SH: Can we stop talking about this? Please.

MN: But oppa, what if it really happens?

SH: I don’t know Mina ya. I don’t have an answer for that.

MN: Arrasso… But oppa…

SH: Uhm….

MN: If one day you no longer feel the same way for me, please let me be the first to know.

SH: Mina ya….

MN: Promise me that….

SH: Ara….

Kyungsoo frowned the moment he dropped Sana back at her dorm. His heart doesn’t feel at ease. He starts to worry about their relationship. He knows that technically, Chanyeol was not at fault because after all he was not in a relationship with Nayeon. However, how could Chanyeol’s feeling change so fast? How could he not see how Nayeon likes him? How could he not sense that Nayeon is hurt by his change of feelings?

Kyungsoo settles himself on the sofa as he got lost in his thoughts. Sehun who just hang up the phone with Mina slumped in the sofa and switched on the television startling Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo could see the worry in Sehun’s face. He somehow could sense that Chanyeol’s new relationship has brought an awkward and weird feeling to the house.

Chanyeol who just happened to come back from his date, whistled joyfully as he steps in the house.

CYL: Have you guys eaten? I bought Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

DO: Thanks, I already had dinner earlier on at my mum’s place.

CYL: Maknae, you want one? I know it’s your favourite.

SH: Nah… I’m full. I‘m sleeping early tonight. I’m feeling a little tired today. (He replied Chanyeol before heading to his room.)

BK: What is wrong with him today? (Baekhyun asked as he enters the living room.)

KAI: I thought things are well for him and Mina. (He asked after coming out form the toilet.)

DO: I’m going to get some rest.

CYL: Please don’t tell me you are upset over my relationship news. (He suddenly asked out loud.)

DO: Why would or should I feel that way?

CYL: I don’t know. Maybe because your girlfriend and my ex crush are in the same group.

DO: Suit yourself.

CYL: Guys, I already talked to Nayeon about this. She is over her feelings for me.

BK: She said that herself?

KAI: She did?

Chanyeol tried recalling his conversation with Nayeon only to realize that she never answered his question and that he assumes that she is fine with his words.

The Biggest Lie

EXO and TWICE waiting room was just next to each other. They were preparing their own special stage for SBC music programme. As always, the girls have to greet their sunbaes at the station. When TWICE entered EXO’s waiting room, the room was full of smiles. While their managers were busy just outside the room, Chanyeol puts his arms around Nayeon’s shoulder.

CYL: Nayeon ah… tell them how happy you are for me? Palli…. (He urged her to share her happiness with everyone else in the room.)

In that instant all of TWICE’s smiles on their faces vanishes.

NY: Tell them?

CYL: They think I have hurt your feelings. Palli tell them I did not.

NY: Neh… I am happy Chanyeol oppa finds happiness. (She responded in a calm and cool manner with a huge smile plastered on her face.)

CYL: See, I told you guys.

Nayeon’s cheeks seem to be getting a little redder. Her eyes looks like she was about to cry. Her lips pursed in order to contain all the feelings inside of her. Mina and Jihyo looks pretty upset while Sana tried to be as neutral as she could be.

Sehun who stood beside Mina tried to slip his hands into hers to calm her down but she just slapped his hands away and reached for Nayeon’s hand. Nayeon’s eyes were literally begging for someone to bring her away.

JHO: We got to go. Let’s chat some other time.  (She initiates for her group to leave and they did.)

The moment the girls left the room, Sehun and Kyungsoo immediately grabbed their bottled water and left the room.

CYL: What is wrong with those two?

XM: Why?

CYL: They seemed to think that I hurt Nayeon. Now that seeing she is fine, those 2 look even more pissed off.

XM: You think she is fine?

CYL: Of course!

XM: You really think she is fine.

CYL: Duh.... s don’t tell me you think otherwise hyung?

XM: Ani… I never said that.

CYL: In 15 minutes meet at the fire exit staircase. (He told s and texted the same thing to Nayeon.)

Nayeon was startled. She showed the message to Jihyo. The girls can’t just go there together. Their manager would suspect something. Only Nayeon, Mina, Jihyo and Sana made it. The rest tried to hold the fort.

Nayeon was greeted with an annoyed looking Chanyeol, Sehun, Suho, Xiumin and Kyungsoo.

CYL: Nayeon ah… everyone is blaming me for getting a girlfriend. They said I hurt your feelings. Can you please tell them that you are over me so we can clear this feeling once and for all?

NY: Huh… (She was taken aback and tried her very best to absorb what is going on.)

CYL: Palli…tell them.

SHO: Yeol ah… don’t you think that this is too much. (The leader finally said something.)

CYL: If I don’t this, the boys will blame me even though they said they don’t.

SHO: Shouldn’t you at least spare a thought for Nayeon?

Suho’s words makes Jihyo felt a little thankful.

DO: Since you already said so, why do you need Nayeon to prove herself?

SH: That’s right.

CYL: I need to prove to you all so that I have to explain myself to everyone once again. (He defended himself feeling no consideration for Nayeon who already look more than embarrassed being stuck in the middle of the situation.)

XM: Yeol ah….

CYL: Nayeon ah…. Say something…

SN: Oppa, enough…. (Sana finally speaks up feeling irritated with him.)

JHO: Chanyeol oppa, we all understand. We didn’t even bring this up.

CYL: But the boys treat me like I am to be blamed.

SN: But…..

NY: Ara lets clear this up once and for all.

Mina was about to say something but felt Nayeon’s squeezing her hand tight.

NY: Chanyeol oppa and I admitted our feelings to having a crush while working together for a stage. That is it. We have never been in a relationship together. A crush on someone is not the same as love. He has the right to be in a relationship. And honestly, I am happy for him because…. Simply because… I have never loved him. I won’t love him. I can never love him because I am already in love with someone else. So let’s not blame anyone okay.

That was the biggest lie Nayeon has ever told.

For some reasons, Chanyeol felt hurt by her words. The girls held as much as they could. They know very soon Nayeon will break down and cry. Every single person at the fire exit could see that it was a lie. Everyone except Chanyeol could see what Nayeon tried to do. No one said anything because that’s the only thing she has now, her pride and dignity.

Nayeon carved another smile and eyes her members. The other girls smile as well. They need to be strong for her.

JHO: Let’s go back to the waiting room, we have rehearsal soon.

MN: Yup, excuse us, we have to leave sunbae.

Sehun could already feel what is to come. The moment Mina uses formal language is a big sign. The moment the girls left, the boys ‘congratulated’ Chanyeol on his win in proving to everyone that he is right. Chanyeol didn’t feel good. As he sat at the staircase alone, Nayeon’s last few words to him kept ringing in his ears.

‘… Simply because… I have never loved him. I won’t love him. I can never love him because I am already in love with someone else. So let’s not blame anyone okay.’

Regret came a little too late. Chanyeol took out his phone and finally apologized to Nayeon.

‘Mianhe…I don’t know what has gotten over me. I didn’t mean to hurt your pride with regards to your feelings. Mianhe Nayeon ah…’

‘Don’t apologize for something that wasn’t there in the first place, oppa. We were not in love and have never been.’

That was the last message Nayeon sent him with the intention to walk away from the guy. Nayeon wanted to cry but she couldn’t because she was too busy to even cry.  In fact she was thankful that they won’t be meeting anytime this week other than the Gayo’s at the end of the year.

Nayeon felt calm and was behaving in a calm manner. Although her girls expressed their desire to see her cry and be there for here, Nayeon did not cry at all or at least none of the girls have seen her cry since the incident. She was her cheerful and happy self. She has no time to feel upset. She can’t afford to. It is emotionally, psychologically and physically taxing. She needed to feel happy. She has to be the happy virus that she was and is.

Leaders at Peace

Junmyeon contemplated for a while if he should call her. When he finally dialled her number, his heartbeat accelerated hoping she would answer him. They have not spoken to each other since the kiss in Hong Kong. Jihyo was just about to close her eyes when her phone vibrated. She was surprised to see his name. She waited until the 5^th ring before answering.

JHO: Yobseyo…

SHO: Jihyo ah….

JHO: Uhm….

SHO: Can we meet? We need to talk about our members.

JHO: Now?

SHO: Yup but if you cannot, I understand.

JHO: Will you be fetching me?

SHO: Of course…. 10 minutes?

JHO: Neh….

The drive to their favourite spot was in silent. When they finally arrived at the hill nearby, like a miracle in any story book, the night started to snow.

JHO: It is so pretty.

SHO: Just like you…. (He said it softly but loud enough to make her smile.)

JHO: What was it that you want to discuss about our members?

SHO: I want to apologize about Chanyeol.

JHO: You don’t have to. Technically, he did nothing wrong. He has never been in a relationship with Nayeon unnie and she is very aware of that.

SHO: I know but I am sure you and your members must be a little surprised at his change of heart.

JHO: After what happened between us, I no longer feel surprise when man has a change of heart. (She sighed not realizing she just said something that she has been keeping in her heart for so long.)

SHO: Mianhe….

JHO: Mianhe….. I didn’t mean to bring up the past.

SHO: From what I observed, only Kyungsoo and Sana is very stable emotionally. (He continued.)

JHO: Neh, they really work hard for their future. I envy them. (She confessed honestly.)

SHO: We could have been like that if I was not that stupid. (He responded with guilt.)

JHO: Ani… don’t worry. This is fate. Destiny has it that we are not meant to be. (She tried to sound cheerful not feeling sure if she actually intended to soothe Junmyeon disappointment.)

SHO: I worry about Mina and Sehun too.

JHO: Why?

SHO: You know your member very well. You understand how Mina is; she’d rather avoid Sehun than face the obstacles together.

JHO: Excuse me?

SHO: What I meant was that Sehun is worried Mina would run away from him again.

JHO: Oppa….

SHO: Uhmmm….

JHO: Why are EXO members hurting us TWICE? Did we offend you in our previous life to the point that our members had to suffer multiple heartaches from your group members?

SHO: Jihyo ah…. Mianhe….

Jihyo look at Junmyeon who had his eyes close as he thinks deeply. She could see the veins on his forehead. He must be feeling very upset, she thought. Once again, that sadness overwhelms her heart. Her hand reaches for his cheek. Junmyeon opened his eyes and turn to face her. He knows very well that she loves him.

JHO: Tell me honestly, why do you want to meet me?

SHO: Bogoshipo….I miss you like crazy.

Jihyo looked out the window. She love hearing those words but she couldn’t smile. Junmyeon reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers together.

SHO: I am sorry I had to give excuses just to meet you. I am really sorry… (He pleaded for her understanding.)

Jihyo couldn’t help it. She misses him way too much. She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over kissing him on his cheek. She withdrew away right after the kiss. She must be crazy she kept thinking. Junmyeon smiled. This was the first in many months that Jihyo initiated a kiss.

SHO: What do we do about Nayeon and Chanyeol? (He genuinely asked trying to break the silence.)

JHO: Nothing. We should not interfere in matters of the heart. They are both adults and I believe Nayeon unnie is mature enough to make the best decision for herself.

SHO: I don’t trust Chanyeol’s decision though. I admit he is kind, funny and sweet at times. However, he make brash decision most of the time.

JHO: Oppa, then it is his lost. Not ours.

SHO: Ara…. I will stop worrying. But you know I would not stop worrying about you. Please let me worry about you.

JHO: I never told you to stop.

Junmyeon smiled at the smart lady in front of him. He figured that Chanyeol will wake up one day to realize that he lost a gem. He hoped that it won’t be too late to retrieve it by the time he realizes his lost.