You were lying to him. You’d been lying to him for weeks.

And, honestly, it . It feels dirty, stifling and crushing. You’ve had just about enough of it.

You’ve never kept anything from him before. Never had to; never wanted to. Everything about your relationship with him was like a breath of fresh air. He was so honest all the time and he made you feel so safe. You’ve tried telling yourself that they’re small lies, miniscule really, but you can’t help but feel like you’re tainting the air between you two.

You’re seriously a micro-second away from caving just to see his expression change from confused disappointment to his special kind of joy. It’s killing you that you’re the reason for the deflated Chanyeol in front of you.

You’d met him for an early morning coffee before you have to be at work and he has to go in for practice, like you’d done almost every day since the beginning of your relationship. It was normally a happy and relaxing little tradition to start your day. Now it was just nerve wrecking.

You’ve just told him that you can’t make it to the birthday dinner you’d planned together. To be fair to you, it’s not actually his birthday, but this was the only night that you both could find in your schedules to celebrate together. It was supposed to be a lovely dinner for two followed by window shopping; a snuggly couple night full of twinkly lights, teasing and soft words.

Well, that’s what Chanyeol thought was going to happen.

You have something different planned; something a little more exciting if you so say so yourself. You’ve been planning this for weeks and, holy ; it’s going to be amazing. Seriously, this might be the greatest thing you ever do, so you’re doing your damnedest not to fold like a napkin and ruin your surprise.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. If this weren’t my fault, I’d skip it in a heartbeat, but I can’t leave the team to clean up my mess by themselves.” It burned you that you had to pretend you’d messed up at work. You loved you job and you’re ing good at it, but this was for Chanyeol, so you’d bear this lie like the others for a few more hours. “I would 10,000 times rather be with you.” You wrap your arms around his torso and bury your face in his chest so he can’t see the guilt manifest itself there.

“I know. It’s okay. Maybe I could come by the office later and bring you dinner?” His hope is so evident in the tone of his voice that you’re pretty sure your stomach is going to fall out of your . You think you hear something else, though, in the way he’d asked or maybe it was the way he’d said the word ‘office’. Like what he was really asking was if that was where you were really going to be. Does he know? Does he suspect? But he couldn’t. You’d been so careful. And now you were just being paranoid.

You choose instead to focus on the hope and you feel your chest tighten uncomfortably. Your heart is so close to breaking with love for this man. “Really? You don’t have to do that. You should do something fun.”

“Jagiya, being with you is fun!”—he chastises and shakes you back and forth—“There is nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Wow. Now you really feel like . Could he please be just a little bit pissed that you’d canceled his birthday date? Could he not be the most perfect, understanding boyfriend in this moment making you feel like the actual worst? You hold him tighter and wriggle closer. “I love you so much. You know that, right?”

He rubs his hands up and down your back, filling you with warmth you feel you don’t deserve. He doesn’t answer, but presses his mouth to the top of your head. “Are you okay?” he asks.

You let out a shake-y breath and say, “Yeah, I’m alright. Just stressed out.”

“I know how that is—“he lets out a conspiratorial chuckle and rocks you both back and forth attempting to sooth you.

You groan. “Okay, I’m going to work hard and look forward to you. Do you want to stay over tonight?” you ask with a cheeky lilt, unable or unwilling to leave without seeing a smile on his face.

His hands leave your back and come to your shoulders, pushing you back to look at you with wide eyes and a mocking open mouth. “Aish, what kind of person am I dating?” The feigned horror in his voice was too much and you laughed genuinely for the first time all day.

“Shut up!—“you shove him lightly—“You love me.”

“I acknowledge that,” he says with a smile.

You look up at him with your own grin splitting your face and shake your head. “You’re dumb.” Your voice is laced with affection.

He closes his eyes and his hand flies to his heart as if wounded. You poke him in his side and he lets out a little burst of hot coffee breath in your face.

“Yah! Why are you like this?”

He smirks. Instead of answering, he kisses your forehead and says, “See you tonight, jagi.”

…

You’ve been in close contact with Baekhyun all day. He’s supposed to be keeping track of Chanyeol’s movements and reporting back, but you think he’s taking his task too seriously or rather not seriously enough.

BAEK: he’s going to the bathroom. Should I follow him? Make sure that’s all he’s doing?

YOU: baek, pls no.

YOU: seriously, don’t. He’ll know something’s up.

YOU: omfg. You’ve done it haven’t you? You’re in there rn being creepy. This is not what I meant and you know it!

YOU: well, I guess its fine. You’re always at least a little weird, so this isn’t exactly out of the ordinary.

BAEK: ya! Rude! I didn’t…okay, I did, but I’m an actor, Y/N! I can pull this covert stuff off no problem.

You don’t answer. You don’t have enough patience to deal with Baekhyun right now. You’re so tense over this whole thing that you’ve been snapping at people who don’t deserve it all day, but you feel like maybe Baekhyun deserves to feel at least a little bit of your anger. Before you can type out something snarky he texts again.

BAEK: he went to his studio. Said he was going to work on something. A song, probably, but it is unconfirmed.

You take a deep breath and stop yourself from sending a sarcastic ‘no way’ and instead settle for a short ‘thanks.’ You put down your phone and hold your head in your hands. At this point, you might not make it to tonight.

Your phone vibrates again and you’re about to ignore it, but the vibration is persistent. You grab it, about to chuck it across the room, but in sparing a glance at the offending object, you see that it’s Chanyeol’s name that’s lit up across the screen. You smile before you can even think about it and answer the phone.

“Hey, babe,” you say automatically. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice. Are you busy?”

You glance at the papers on your desk that you’d been going over before Baekhyun texted. “A little, but it’s okay. You’re in your studio?”

“Yeah, how’d you guess?” he asks.

“You experience a brief flash of panic and silently curse yourself for such a rookie move before coming up with, in your opinion, a brilliant and totally plausible answer. “It’s really quiet. Usually I can hear the guys in the background.”

He laughs sharply. “Yah! Baekhyun is driving me a little crazy today, so I thought sneaking away to my studio might give me some peace. I mean, I love him, but sometimes he’s too much. He totally just followed me to the bathroom a second ago and then sat on the sink and waited for me to finish.”

You sigh and this time, silently curse Baekhyun, making a mental note to never ask Baekhyun to take part in any future clandestine missions. Thank god Kyungsoo was also in on your surprise or you don’t think Chanyeol would get to where you needed him to go. “That is pretty ing weird,” you agree, but you need to keep his mind off of your erstwhile operative so you pivot. “Are you working on something now?”

“Yeah, I’m having a time with it though.”

“Anything I can help with?” you say and lean back into your chair.

“You’re already helping,” he says without guile.

You giggle and say, “So cheesy,” under your breath. He hears you and masks his own chuckle as a scoff.

“You know you like it,” he whispers and you can’t stop the familiar tingle that runs through you. “Oh, I almost forgot! What do you want to eat tonight? Because I was feeling pizza, but I could be persuaded to get Chinese.”

There’s a definite tightness around your heart at his enthusiasm for a meal that will never happen, but you’ve come this far. “I’m fine with whatever you choose. It’s your birthday; you should get what you want.”

“Oo, I like the sound of that. I’ll remember that tonight.” His voice is so deep and so low that you can feel it down to the tips of your toes. You find yourself in the middle of wondering whether or not you can make time for a little afternoon phone before you can stop yourself.

You feel your entire body heat up and you clear your throat before you respond. “Chanyeol I—“

There’s a knock on your office door and your assistant sticks his head in. “Y/N, I need to see you—“

You hold up a finger asking him to give you a minute. “Babe, I have to go.” You say, regret seeping into your voice.

He is quiet for a moment too long and then he sighs. “Alright. When do you want me to stop by?”

“Is 6 okay? Will you be done with your schedule by then?” You already know that he’s done at 5 and Baekhyun and Kyungsoo have orders to physically drag him from the building if he stays any later than that.

“Yeah. Sounds perfect. I’ll text you later.”

…

“Where are you headed?” Kyungsoo asks Chanyeol at the end of their schedule.

“I’m going to pick up Chinese for dinner with Y/N.” He looks hurried, he’s half dressed in a gold sweater and jeans and shoving his practice sweats into his bag. “I’m late.” He turns quickly and his wallet and keys fly from his hands across the room.

Kyungsoo slowly walks up to him and sets his hand on Chanyeol’s arm. “Baekhyun-hyung and I were going to get Chinese at this new place,” he lies easily, “it’s the best I’ve had outside of China. Come with us and we’ll drop you off at Y/N’s office.”

“Are you sure?” he asks.

He’s stopped moving about frantically, but his eyes held a wildness that bothered Kyungsoo enough to ask, “What’s wrong?”

Chanyeol pushes Kyungsoo’s concern away with a flick of his wrist. “Nothing, nothing’s wrong I just—“ he sighs—“I think something’s wrong between Y/N and me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.”

He stops abruptly and when Kyungsoo is sure that he won’t talk anymore about it, he says, “Whatever it is I’m sure you’ll work it out,” because he is. He punches Chanyeol lightly in the arm and shuffles to the door. He looks back for Chanyeol and says, “Well, come on if you’re coming.”

Chanyeol’s hesitation is momentary, but then his feet are moving.

…

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun deliver Chanyeol to the main gate of the amusement park where you’ve been waiting. Your heart leaps when you see Baekhyun’s car coming toward you. He stops the car. Soo and Baek wave at you, their hands full of Chinese take-out bags. You didn’t actually expect them to get Chinese food after Kyungsoo’d texted you an update, but you smile and wave back at your co-conspirators.

Baekhyun yells out the window, “He guessed that we weren’t taking him to your office!” You just shrug and shake your head, it didn’t matter. He was here now and you’re mostly excited, but a little nervous, too. This is essentially the grandest gesture you could make and it could fall flat. You push the thought aside as Chanyeol opens his door. You immediately stand on your tiptoes and crane your neck around like a loon trying to catch a glimpse of his face. You want to see him when he gets his first good look at everything.

He shuts the car door. The moment you see Chanyeol and the look on his face, your entire being lightens. All the extra anxiety and stress and guilt you’ve been feeling about keeping secrets dissipates. Everything feels so worth it and you can’t help the enormous, teeth rich smile that forms on your face. His hands come up to cover his gaping mouth. You let out a happy giggle and jump up and down.

“Happy birthday, baby!” you practically scream as he walks awestruck over to you.

Kyungsoo leans out his window and yells, “don’t have too much fun!” But you’re too busy looking at Chanyeol who is looking between you and the park to answer him. You vaguely hear the car drive off, leaving you two to your night.

His eyes are so wide you can see the lights from the rides and games reflected in them and his mouth is open and turned up at the corners. “You did all this for me?”

“Well, yeah,” you barely get out before being crushed against his chest. You snuggle into his warmth, thawing you nose and lips. “Are you surprised?” you ask, your words muffled slightly by his jacket. His hands travel up your back, stopping at the base of your skull. He tilts your head so that your eyes are locked. You’re so close you can feel his warm breath on your face.

“This is unbelievable! You’re wonderful.” He slams his lips into yours and you can taste his happiness. You smile into the kiss and then so does he.

…

The owner of the amusement park would be the only other person in your bubble of excitement and joy this evening. He walks over to greet you with a polite smile on his face, his hand extended.

“I’m Kang Woojae,” he says cheerfully and you feel Chanyeol stiffen beside you, “and you must be Y/N and the birthday boy! Since I’ve already talked to Y/N about what’s going to happen here tonight, I just want to briefly go over the rules one more time.” He launches into the dos and don’ts, but you stop listening when you look over at Chanyeol and see that he’s gone very serious and very still. You reach over and slip your hand in his and squeeze and he seems to come back to himself.

Mr. Kang is finished talking and looks at you both expectantly. You give a half-hearted smile, unsure of Chanyeol’s sudden mood change. “I guess we’re ready to go.” You say to Mr. Kang, bowing before he makes his way to the control booth and leaves you two to your own devices.

Chanyeol makes a move toward the various, colorful game booths, but you grab him before he gets very far. “What’s wrong?” you ask him, unable and unwilling to bare the weight of any more hidden things.

He freezes and says in a low voice, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t play that game with me. What happened when Mr. Kang greeted us?” you ask firmly, determined to get to the bottom of this and get on with the fun filled night you’d planned.

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it! Can we just drop it?” his cheeks are red and he won’t look at you. You’re high-key starting to freak out because you have literally no idea what’s going on in Chanyeol’s head. “Come on. Let’s go play a game.” He grumbles and you fold your arms across your chest.

“I’m not moving until you tell me what’s up with you. Do you not want to be here? We can go somewhere else,” you offer.

“No! This place is great,” he interjects.

“Then is it me? Are you mad because I kept this from you?” There. You’ve said it. You’ve been agonizing for weeks over this very thing, over your little lies and secrets, and now you’re terrified that all your fears are about to be validated.

He reaches out to you and even though you can see the softness in his eyes, you can’t bring yourself to go to him. Not until he answers you. “Baby, no. Of course I’m not mad. This…this is a great surprise. An amazing gift from my amazing partner.”

“Then what is it?” you persist.

He lowers his head into his hands and groans. After a moment, he speaks. “Mr. Kang called your phone when you were in the shower last week—“you open your mouth, but Chanyeol barrels on—“I didn’t answer it, but I saw the name and I didn’t think anything about it at first…but then you were acting weird and…” he trails off and lifts his head out of his hands before he starts again. “I thought you were going to break up with me. I thought you were going to leave me for Kang Woojae. I’m so ing sorry, baby! I feel like such an .”

You’re silent for a long time. You hear Chanyeol call your name a few times, but you’re honestly trying really hard to process everything. You look up at Chanyeol and there are silent tears making their way down his cheeks as he searches your face for the smallest hint of what you’re thinking, so you speak. “Let me get this straight: you thought that I was cheating? With the amusement park owner?”

“Well, I didn’t know who he was, did I?” he says with a pout.

“Yah! Park Chanyeol! Why didn’t you say anything?” you demand. You’re extremely hurt. The lights from the games blur as your eyes begin to water.

“I don’t know.” He lets out a ragged sigh that you feel in your soul. “When your phone rang, I swear, it took everything in me not to answer it. It was a number I didn’t know and the name was a man’s…God, it’s so ed, but I wanted to hear his voice. And when I was on the phone with you earlier and I heard a man’s voice saying that he needed you and I thought it was him. I thought… I—“his voice cracks and you wipe furiously at the tears that are rolling down your face—“I’m so, so sorry. I should have trusted you.”

“Yes, you should have.” He nods and in a breath like he’s preparing himself. You’re not exactly sure what you’re feeling. You’d made him insecure with your sneaking around and keeping secrets, a thing which had also made you feel dirty, but it was for him. It had all been for him. It’s been for that look on his face, but if you’d known that this was going to be the result, you don’t think you would have done it. You know that hiding things from him had made you act differently around him, had caused the suspicion and you feel bad about that, you really do, but people surprise their significant others all the time without this drama. The real issue here was that Chanyeol didn’t trust you. Chanyeol doesn’t trust you. What could you possibly do with that information?

You love him. That emotion is so overwhelming that you believe you could forgive him anything. He’s the love of your life. He’s inked on so much of your soul. How could he not know that? How could he not give you the same love and trust that you give him? What are you going to do?

 “I’m sorry I kept things from you and made you feel like this,” you say slowly, carefully and he’s hanging on your every word, “but—“he closes his eyes and drops his head—“you kept things from me too. You hid your feelings, your worries and your doubts from me. I love you. God, I love you so much. Do you know how badly you’ve hurt me? Do you know what it feels like to have the person you cherish most in the world tell you that they don’t trust you?” You’re pleading with him. You’re begging him to say the right thing. You won’t give him up, but suddenly you’re struck with the thought that he’s giving you up. He was afraid and you understood that, you’re afraid too, but in his unwillingness to express himself to you, was he revealing that he wouldn’t fight for you? Was he saying that he would be content to let you drift apart from each other until there was nothing between you but a chasm of air and memories of love? And that would be alright so long as you were miserable in love together?

That is not what you want.

You’re so caught up in your thoughts that you don’t notice Chanyeol quietly falling apart beside you. When he speaks, it is in a choked whisper. “I swear to you, I trust you, I just didn’t know what to think. I could feel that something was off and I jumped to conclusions. Please, forgive me?”

You already had, but you needed something. “I do. I forgive you, of course I do.” You cup his puffy tear stained face and place a kiss on his forehead and you back away from him. “I need time. I need to think—“

“What? If you forgive me what is there to think about?” There’s something in his eyes that scares you. It’s a kind of deadness that you’ve never seen before and there’s something about it that makes you think that he’s not telling you everything; that there’s more that you don’t know about him. And then it’s gone, replaced with a sad, pleading look.

“Just because I forgive you, just because I love you…It doesn’t mean that I don’t need to think about what this means for us or how we need to move forward,” you say carefully.

He takes a step toward you, closing the gap that you’d put between the two of you and he grabs the top of your shoulders like he’d done so many times to tease you, to reassure you, to comfort you, to make you feel safe, but that’s not what this feels like at all. He grips you too hard and you know there will be bruises where his fingertips are digging into your skin. You try to shake him off, but he just holds tighter.

You let out a cry of pain. “Chanyeol, please, you’re hurting me.”

He lets out a humorless laugh that would chill you to the bones even if it weren’t cold out. “That seems to be the theme of today. Me hurting you, but what about how you’ve hurt me? What about how you lied to me? How you’ve betrayed me?”

You shake your head in disbelief. What the actual is going on? “I haven’t betrayed you. I said I was sorry for keeping things from you, but I was doing it to give you something special, to give us something special. Where is this coming from? Why are you being like this?”

“Why am I being like this? Are you kidding? I poured my heart out, I told you my insecurities, and now you’re walking away from me, from us and you have the gall to act like it’s nothing. Like I’m nothing and I don’t get a say.” He’d begun to shake you and you could feel your anger rising.

“If you don’t let me go, I’m going to scream,” you say in a low voice. Honestly, even if he does let you go you might scream. How in the did this happen? This was supposed to be a fun and totally carefree night full of games and rides and laughter and happiness. How did it turn into the worst fight you’ve ever had?

He doesn’t look like he’s going to let go. You narrow your eyes at him and take a deep breath, readying yourself to scream for Mr. Kang, but then, with a look that you can only describe as disgust, he pushes you away from him. You stumble and fall, hitting the ground hard.

You look up at him in shock and see him reach out his hands as if to help you up before he drops them back to his sides and steps further away from you. You don’t think you have ever felt colder in your life.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you fall.” But even though the words are remorseful, they come out icy and you feel like you’re being stabbed repeatedly. Where was your sweet boyfriend? Where was the man who treated you well? Who made you feel loved like no other had done before? All of the sudden you can’t remember the last time Chanyeol actually told you he loves you. He implied it every day, he talked about how wonderful you were, he called you jagi and jagiya and referred to you as partners, but when was the last time he’d said the words?

Your stomach churns and you can feel bile burning its way up your throat. You have to know. You have to hear him say it. “Chanyeol—do you love me?”

The question seems to catch him off guard, like he hadn’t even thought about it, and that makes you feel even sicker. You felt like a fool. You’d used the words so freely. It was nothing and everything for you to say that you love him because when you thought of Chanyeol, all there was, was love. What the was he doing with you if he didn’t love you? What kind of twisted game was he playing?

His silence is heavy and if you weren’t already on the ground, you think you would have collapsed under the weight of it.

You want to scream and cry and call him every name in the book, but what was the point? Doing all of that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make him love you. It might make him pity you and that you couldn’t stand. Instead, you pick yourself up.

You can’t bring yourself to look him in the eye anymore, if you do, you know you’re resolve will break and you’ll do all the things you said you wouldn’t. He might not love you anymore or maybe he never did, but you loved him and you’re not ashamed of that love.

“I love you, Chanyeol—“you see him shift out of the corner of your eye, but he doesn’t say anything—“but you can find your own way home.”

You walk away quickly, making it back to the control booth, where Mr. Kang calls out to you, before breaking into a run the rest of the way to your car.

You don’t let yourself cry yet. You know that if you start now you won’t be able to leave until you’re done and you can’t risk Chanyeol coming after you or worse: Chanyeol not coming after you. So you start your car and head home to your empty apartment.

…

The second you step inside, you begin to sob. Your body shakes and you wrap your arms around yourself to try and keep from falling apart. You lean against the wall, slowly sliding down it until you are once again on the floor.

At some point you pass out only to wake sometime in the middle of the night to your phone vibrating in your pocket. You don’t really want to answer it, but you lazily search for it only finding it after the vibrating stops. The light is blinking madly, letting you know that you have messages. You don’t want to open them. You don’t want to read them, but you find yourself unlocking the screen.

There are a bunch of texts from Baekhyun that you just don’t want to deal with right now; a few texts and a call from Kyungsoo, he was the one that just called you; and one text from Chanyeol.

Before you can stop yourself, you click on Chanyeol’s text.

Now you scream. Now you call him every name in the book. Now you curse him with every plague.

 

MY LIGHT [10:58pm]: I’m sorry.

 

You throw your phone against the wall and watch it fall to the floor in pieces.

Eventually, you make your way to your room and climb into bed with all your clothes on and wrap yourself in your duvet, but your head hurts and you’re too exhausted to fall asleep.

Your traitorous mind wanders to Chanyeol and the good times. You have no more tears so you whimper and choke pathetically until your body takes pity on you and gives you over to sleep.