xxiii. "The Doctor"

“...he was not going to just stay put and have a doctor laugh at him and label him broken.”

She wasn’t saying she loved her son, she was saying ‘I love you’ to the man he resembled, to the only person she truly loved.

The darkness was heavy, it felt like a thick dense cloud that simply soaked him head to toe and weighed him down. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think, and he couldn’t even breath. He just felt everything pile on him, and he didn’t want to even try to fight it. He felt like he was on the ground, his heart crumbling to pieces as his entire body ached and his throat burned, and he had no force to get up and fight.

“He should wake up soon.” A voice spoke, the words muffled as he felt his eyes sting at a bright light coming out of nowhere and consuming the darkness.

He didn’t want to open his eyes, he didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to do anything. He could just sense a lukewarm lighting consuming him whole, and the dreadful beeping of the heart monitor echoing louder with each beep.

“Did you get the results of his cat scans?” Another voice spoke, this one was of an older woman, from the tone of her voice, it was clear that she carried herself with much intellect and pride.

“Yes. The doctor said you’d ask for them, so I brought them with me. If you need anything else, I’ll be down the hall Dr. Kwon,” she spoke, the nurse that tended to him just last week was there, tending to him yet again.

He didn’t want to see the world before him and face reality, he felt weak and . It was like his entire life, his existence, was stripped away from him and he was reduced to nothing. He just wanted to sleep, he wanted to let the darkness consume him whole and he just wanted to never wake up.

He was tired, his body ached all over and his heart was throbbing in agony, the world was and life was painful. Numbness or no, the world was unbearable. It was hard to wake up every morning and walk around, it was hard to even lift himself off the bed and go on through the tribal routine of it all.

“I know you are pretending to sleep, your eyes are moving.” The woman’s words were stiff and yet soft, they were spoken in a rather professor like manner.

Jungkook felt his jaw tighten as he wondered how she was able to tell. But then again, his eyes were moving, they were closed but under his shut lid, they were moving back and forth as if they were reading something. She must have been able to see them moving, she must be used to this.

“Who are you?” He asked, his eyes still closed as he wondered about the reality of it all.

He’s been through a lot, an entire visual dream down memories that were locked away long ago. A vivid voice that came when he was surrounded by darkness didn’t seem quite realistic to him. So, he wondered, was he still dreaming or was this all real?

“I am Dr. Kwon, I’m here to give you an official diagnosis,” she spoke, her voice soft and casual.

She didn’t sound like she cared about his refusal to open his eyes. She didn’t sound like she cared that he didn’t greet her nor talked formally to her due to the title doctor sowed to her name. No, she didn’t sound like she cared, yet she was there, to give him a diagnosis.

The aching feeling lingering behind, the numbness that made him desperate for an eternal sleep, vanished.

“What is the diagnosis?” He asked, his eyes finally fluttering open as he begun to take full notice of how dreaded the heart monitor’s annoying and hair ripping sound was truly.

A diagnosis, that is what he was getting. A reason, an explanation for his visual dream and collapse, that is all he wanted and all he needed. He couldn’t think of a scientific and reasonable explanation for it, and he needed to know he was fine, that he was not crazy for seeing it.

He looked over and saw the doctor seated at a chair, a bright notebook in her grasp as her business attire was the only colorful thing in the dreaded beige room. She didn’t wear the doctor uniform, she didn’t even have the lab coat on, yet she was a doctor.

“I think you need some clarifications first. Do you remember what happened last night?” She asked, her voice casual and simply, friendly.

Her tone changed rather quickly but in a natural manner. She didn’t sound intimidating, she sounded like she was simply making small talk with a stranger on the bus.

She looked up, the thin glasses on her face magnifying and hiding some of the wrinkles in her eyes. She had her hair pulled back and tied as a soft smile was planted on her lips. She looked at him in a very soft manner and when he shook his head, she nodded and went back to reading the notebook.

The notebook was the same one Cinderella had, he remembered that fact. He didn’t even know it has been a day already, yet it seemed correct to him. He did remember what happened, he just didn’t want to admit it, the guilt was looming over his heart and eh couldn’t bring himself to do so.  

He remembered the notebook, he remembered what was spoken, what was asked and everything leading to the dark moment. He just didn’t understand why it happened and how. He needed her to tell him, he needed answers, it was the only thing that could comfort him now, the only thing that could make his body ache a little less.

“You dissociated Mr. Jeon, do you know what that means?” She asked, flipping through the notebook in a rather hasty pace and not even turning to look at him.

“No,” he responded, not understanding what that was nor why it was important.

She hummed, her eyes darting onto a page and skimming it in a rather fast pace. She simply bit her lip, flipped the notebook towards him and pointed at the word tattooed in black ink on top of the page.

“Dissociation, a feeling of being disconnected with your own body. It was nearing a psychotic episode, or so they told me.” She shrugged, not knowing how bad the episode was, that is why she seemed unconvinced with the information.

She simply nodded once he turned to look at the page in the notebook, and then, she simply hummed again before turning the notebook around and going back to the beginning. There was a moment of silence, that dreadful silence that had become a bad omen for him. He understood nothing, he dissociated, that is what she was telling him, that he had disconnected from his body, but what about it?

He needed to know more that what it was. He wanted to demand her to explain why it happened, what caused it and everything in between. She was a doctor, she needed to explain all of this to him, he shouldn’t be left in silence.

“I don’t understand.” He looked at her, his voice on the edge as she was no longer paying attention to him.

She was simply shuffling through papers after papers. She would pick one up, look at him, nod and simply move on. She wasn’t saying anything, and it irritated him.

“I know, you don’t know anything about this, your entire family knows nothing about your problems. You know what makes me angry, you could have lived a good life, a normal life, if only your family was responsible and paid attention to you,” she spoke, her voice a little edgy as she sounded rather angry when she brought up his family.

He laid in bed, his body stiff and simply, unresponsive. He felt angry and yet, he couldn’t feel his body reacting to it. They had him sedated, that was something he had realized once he looked over at his IV strip. He was reduced to this. His anger was so severe that they had to sedate him in order to control him.

“What are you saying, that my problem is because of my family. I already knew that,” he spoke, his voice rough and leaving a burning trace behind.

“Your problem is deeper than you think, it isn’t something you should take lightly. Shall I tell you what you have been dealing with?” She spoke, her voice a little more head strong.

Jungkook looked at her, her eyes strong yet her lips were wavering. She was being a little more head strong, more forward and not holding back. It seemed like she was told this was the best way to deal with him, she looked like she hated talking to him in that tone, and yet she had no choice. It was amusing and infuriating at the same time.

“Entry one, substance abuse.” She opened the notebook to its first pace, pointing at the big lettering on the top page.

He stared off at the ceiling, the words feeling like a thousand paper cuts against his skin. Alcohol was his only solution, he needed to be drunk to even feel like he can get through a day without punching someone or something.

He abused it, his power to drink and simply get drunk because it was the only thing he did have control over.

“Entry two, problem controlling anger and very impulsive.”

He gulped, his throat forming a large knot it felt like he was swallowing a large pill dry, no water to help him take it. He felt like , his anger the past few days has been beyond inappropriate. He hit Junhong, pushed down Yein and apparently, trashed his office all with the goal to hit his father.

And now, the hospital has him sedated, because everyone is scared of him lashing out. He was angry all the time, he would wake up and simply remember his mother’s last breath and know how unfair and ty the world was. He was full of rage and no one could deal with it anymore.

“Entry seven, loves people one minute, hates them the next. It is strongly black and white.”

Black and white, just like what she said. Jungkook took in a shaky breath, his body heavy as he realized this is all coming from Cinderella. She had documented every aspect of him and his behavior.

He felt it to be right, every entry was likely every time that he went to The Kingdom Club. Every page was simply her spilling her thoughts on him and her observations on him.

“Entry eight, depression, a chronic feeling of emptiness and numbness.”

Depression, that is what she saw it as. He didn’t even know what depression truly was, let alone that it was the word for his empty feeling. He tried to find some slight comfort in it, at least he wasn’t the only person that felt like that because they actually have a word that describes this feeling. But it was useless, he felt no comfort, only weight crushing down his chest.

“Entry twelve, distorted self-image, feeling of worthlessness and insignificance.”

He was worthless, he was insignificant. The world will continue to spin, and the sun will set and rise like it always does. Nothing will stop if he dies, how is that distorted? It is the truth, he is simply a floating ball of mass, nothing more.

“Entry fourteen, life threatening acts such as drunk driving.”

He felt a cry crawling up his lungs and lingering in his throat, remembering how panic Cinderella sounded that day. She was frightened, scared and desperate. She had tried to sound calm and collected, but it was frightening for her to know that his entire life was at risk, and all he could do was joke about it.  

“Entry fifteen, self-harming and attempted suicide. His legs are covered in bruises, those that looked self-inflicted, it all came to life when he jumped off the bridge,” she spoke, feeling a deep need to say the small description of the entry because she had a feeling he didn’t know that they had realized he hurts himself

He bit his lip, his hands shaking and simply reaching over to rub his thigh, his inner thigh consumed with bruises. They were self-inflicted, it was true, he just didn’t know that they had realized just by looking at them. He felt his entire heart fall just thinking about how she found out.

He felt weak, more than he ever did whenever he pinched himself. It was a pleasurable high for him, he always hurt and was always in pain because of everyone else, and that was the only pain he could control. He wondered how she reacted when she found out, when they told her that he was so weak, he hurt himself.

“Entry twenty, dissociative amnesia and episodes. By now, he has shown clear sign that he tends to block out memories and events from his past, they could be at will or simply his mind working to protect himself without his actual knowledge. What officially set the most intense symptom is the conversation about his mother, which triggered a dissociative episode, it could have been either his first or one of many he’s had.”

It wasn’t his first episode, and Cinderella implied that he would have many more to come. And that frightened him, the episode was completely unbearable. He was scared and hopeless and he didn’t want to see himself fall unconscious again, no, not again. It was excruciating and took a toll on him, he couldn’t go through it once more.

“Your cat scan came back, I look over it to finally give you a diagnosis,” she spoke, her eyes looming over the results of the cat scan, they were side by side to those of a normal healthy human brain.

“You took a cat scan? For what?” He asked, not even knowing how he got the strength to even speak, he felt so weak and numb.

As they speak, as he is being told everything that is simply wrong with him, he still felt numb about it. There were feelings of guilt lingering, but with every passing second, the emptiness ate it up and never left a mark.

It must be the depression, as Cinderella defined it. He didn’t know how it worked, but it was inevitable that it felt right to say it was depression.

“Your brain is seemingly healthy, but the part of your brain that handles your impulse is different than normal. Looking at your medical history, your prescription and family records, I can confirm that you have Borderline Personality Disorder.” Her calm and collective words landed heavy against the air, they were like large bowling balls that simply fell onto his chest and didn’t let him breath.

“I have what?” He gasped, his head snapping to the side as he was not expecting her to even say the word disorder.

He didn’t know why, he didn’t know at what point, he just knew he was expecting her to say cancer. It seemed right, when she was explaining the whole brain difference, he just felt like it was a tumor, even more when she talked about the family record. His mother had a tumor in her brain stem, and he just assumed that whatever was wrong with him was in fact a brain tumor.

It would have made sense, and he was prepared to hear her say it. But he was wrong, it was not a tumor, it was a disorder. And he didn’t know why that felt worse. The words carried a heavier weight against his chest than the word cancer.

“It is a mental disorder, I have enough data and medical records to back up the diagnosis. Did you know your mother was Bipolar? I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t, no one knew it,” she spoke, her voice crashing against a piece of paper which held the medical history of his mother.

He felt like he was being made a fool. He felt like her professional persona of a doctor was simply there to hide the fact that she was simply pulling his leg. She was finding amusement in all of this, she was trying to make him feel broken and simply, crazy. He was not going to deal with it, he was not going to just stay put and have a doctor laugh at him and label him broken.

“Don’t play games with me, I don’t have a mental disorder. My life is simply filled with ty people,” he begun to scream, his voice gaining power as his body was slowly raising from the bed.

“I want to do more for you Mr. Jeon, but I have instructions and I must follow them.” She spoke, her voice a little exasperated as she looked at him in an apologetic manner.

With no further comments nor explanations, she simply gathered all of the papers into a pile and excused herself. She bowed before taking her leave and the moment she opened the door, she spoke again. But this time, she wasn’t speaking to him.

“My job here is done, you have to do what is right for him.”

The door shut, leaving the words lingering behind and with no escape outside the room. Jungkook felt his heart race, his body stiffened as he was trying to lean against the pillows in his bed, but he felt uncomfortable. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t relax, he couldn’t ease down because the moment the door opened, he just knew who it was.

“Hello Mr. Jeon,” she spoke, her voice smooth and her eyes piercing through that familiar black mask.

“What happened to me?” He asked, his voice shaking as his strong wall of anger crumbled at her sight.

He didn’t know why her voice, her presence, was enough to just melt away all his anger and confusing thoughts. He just felt his breathing soothed, his body sinking onto the bed as her presence felt like a warm light in a cold-dark night. He no longer felt suffocated and panicked, he felt at ease because she was there, the person who always made him feel at calm.

“Mr. Jeon, you remember we made a deal, right?” She spoke, her voice a little timid as she simply waited for him to respond, but he didn’t, he simply looked at her with widen eyes that were filling up with confusion.

The feeling of comfort was slowly withering away like flowers during the fall. He didn’t know how to react. His mind was going through emotion after emotion with no break in between. The soothing ocean of emotions suddenly felt like a raging storm, taking everything with it and crashing furiously on the shore.

“Your problem is a mental problem,” she spoke, her words feeling like needles piercing his skin as he couldn’t believe that the person he’s come to trust was turning against him.

No, he didn’t need her to tell him what was wrong. He didn’t need her to tell him he was broken too, he didn’t know how to handle the idea of her turning against him and simply selling this lie that he is a broken mind. He wasn’t, he wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t broken, he was simply just…

He didn’t know how to finish that sentence anymore. He was nothing, he was being reduced to nothing. He knew himself better than anyone, and yet they were trying to strip him of everything that made him.

“I’m not crazy,” he spoke, his voice rough and simply spoke with force.

“I’m not saying you are, Mr. Jeon, what was your relationship with your mother?” She spoke, her tongue tripping on the words as she struggled to even form the words.

He looked at her, his eyes widen and polished with sadness as he knew that was the question that triggered it all. He collapsed the day before, just thinking and struggling to remember his mother. But now, he knew how she was, he remembered, and he knew she was right.

He had yelled at her, screaming that she was wrong thinking his mother was to blame. He lashed out because she thought she knew him, but turns out, it was all true and she was right.

“She hated me, she never loved me. She had high expectations of me, but I never meet them. She yelled and screamed at me when I didn’t act the way she wanted me to act and she hit me when she thought I deserved it. She wanted me to be a walking bank, and she tossed me away when she realized I couldn’t be,” he spoke, his words falling onto the ground the moment they hit the air.

She closed her eyes, her shoulders falling as he body shivered at a simple exhale. She looked relieved and frightened at the same time. He gulped, the knot on his throat returning as he had no idea how he was able to get the words out without choking up.

“You have a mental disorder, something that derived from a bipolar mother who abused you and a father who simply refused to take action when you showed signs of depression. All the hatred that you had for your mother went directly to your father when she died, you locked away her memory and her nature because you saw her die. And when she died, you entered a deep depression, your father did nothing expect buy antidepressants,” she spoke, her words spoken with confidence as she was trying to stand tall.

He knew she was trying to make him understand. He thought he was crazy, and she was trying to tell him he wasn’t. He wanted to get angry, to feel frustrated, but he couldn’t. He wanted to feel something, but he felt nothing, he just knew that it wasn’t his fault.

He didn’t know why the words felt different coming out of her lips. She was no professional, she was just a student. And yet, she was convincing, he wanted to believe it was all a lie, but he couldn’t.

She looked at him, her deep piercing eyes simply softening as he stared deeper into them. She was trying to tell him this was not his fault, that he was not to blame, and it was working.

The soft look of sincerity played a song louder than his doubt. The thought in his mind that always screamed for life in the darkest of times, was shouting the loudest. And he just felt his entire body be drowned in light. With one word, with one look, she made him believe her. This wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t crazy, he genuinely came from a ty family and had a ty life.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before she walked toward him and begun to undo the ribbon that held her mask up. He felt his heart race. His entire body froze as all he could hear was his heart’s beat against his ear.

“I promised a solution, and I have it. But first, I need to show you who I am.” she spoke, her words being muffled by the mask as she was removing it.

Her eyes were dark and simply wavering at her words. His breath got caught in his throat, the familiar face siting before him as he had no idea how to react. It felt like a dream, where the most unimaginable and unexpected happened. Or maybe like a movie, where two people find each other again, only this time, it wasn’t in a cheesy and jealous story line.

“Jiwoo?” He spoke in a questionable manner.

He wanted to close his eyes and wake up because this wasn’t possible. It was simply too out of place, too fictional to even be real. He hasn’t seen her in years, better yet, he even forgot he meet her.

The summer where they meet seemed like it was in another life, and he couldn’t believe that the little freshmen he meet over a summer abroad program was the one before him. She was so young and full of dreams, she was simply a child reeking of high school hopes and dreams.

Song Jiwoo had a natural talent to make people dream, to make people hope and simply plan the future. She was the first person to ever try and fix the wings his family tore off, the first person who tried to make him believe he was human rather than a walking bank.  

Probably not the reveal you guys were expecting, but it was a reveal.

I struggled with this chapter simply because there is a lot of information that needs to be said, and to follow up the last chapter, aka my pride, it was tough.

I let you have a small glimpse at how Cinderella knows Jungkook, but this isn't her chapter, therefore, I couldn't make it all on her. It could only be a taste to let you have something to look forward to for Thursday’s update.

Next chapter is titled, The Ice Princess, and it will talk about her story and all the lose ends we need to tie off, including the full solution.

This chapter was extra-long, 4000 words, I hope it wasn't too boring for you and still a decent follow up from the last one.

The last thing I want to say is that when the doctor was calling out all the entries in the notebook, the entry number matches up to the chapter in the story in which Jungkook showed that symptom.

BPD will further be explained in the next chapter, but by all means, look into it if you want.

Hope you have an amazing day you amazing human, thanks for reading. See you on Thursday!