b e g i n ;

To: My brothers 

Ah, this is weird! I've written to our ARMYs before but this letter makes me feel like I'm a kooky person. But now that we've released our second studio album, I thought that I should write a little something to hyungs. Because I have so much I want to say... so much I want to express, even though I can't fully convey them through verbal words. Well, I'm not skilled at letter writing either, but at least I'm a master at everything else. Haha. Besides, it's the sincerity that counts, right?

Although I'm not an expert with words, this letter really contains all my heartfelt thoughts. So, I hope my love has reached you through this letter.

Do you all remember that time when we first met, hyungs? I was like a thin sheet of white paper back then, wasn't I? Bland, empty and unfeeling.

Every day and night, my eyes were blinded by the notion to keep training and training. At the morning, I would spin about the room while following the rhythm of the booming music and exert all my energy into every movement so that they were swift, precise and sharp. At the afternoon, I analysed ways to further highlight the smooth, silky voice I had just so that my voice could touch the people's hearts around me. At night, I alternated between the two activities. The days of sweat and tears whizzed past in a blur, and every time I tumbled onto my bed, I thought...

Tomorrow, I have to do even better. I have to be a Jeon Jungkook whom I can be proud of.

I made use of all the break times just to continue honing my performance. Even during my leisure time, music automatically boomed in my head and I would instinctively groove to the melody of the music, keeping track of the rhythm. I was always wormed up in that small little training room, like a soulless machine who knew only to follow a rigid path to my destination.

But even a machine would overheat after overworking for a long period of time. And as hours slogged by, the music in my head was twirling about in circles, causing my vision to bob along sluggishly.

Even though I tried hard to hide away all traces of fatigue, all of you had noticed it, hadn't you, hyungs? That's why...

That's why during breaktime, all of you surrounded me and forced me to sit on the floor. By then, my eyes were already half-open and my vision was blurred and unfocused.

"Just rest for a while, Jungkook! You've been practising like a mad man for the past few days already. You need rest," Hoseok-hyung suggested.

At that time, I barely spoke to all of you, because in my eyes, all of you were foreign entities, and I feared all of what was unknown to me. So when the very same foreign entities stopped me from persisting on with my routine, I was hesitant to disobey.

Eventually, I stubbornly insisted, "I'm fine. I can still go on." I forced my legs to stand back up again, but for some reason, they wouldn't budge. Like a baggage of rocks, they pulled my entire weight down every time I tried to wake them up.

Watching my protesting legs, I remember Yoongi-hyung scolded me, "No, you're not. Stop lying to yourself. Don't you see that we're all worried for you? Look at yourself in the mirror, Jungkook. Look at your eyebags and your actions. If you really want to do well, shouldn't you at the very most take care of yourself first?"

I so badly wished I could come up with some sort of rebuttal. But no matter how I fumbled with my thoughts, I couldn't come up with anything. Ah, Yoongi-hyung, you really had a way to make people speechless.

In the end, I sat obediently. What seemed like a minute or a few seconds later, my body succumbed to the fatigue and I out.

I don't know what happened afterwards, but when I stirred from sleep, I shot up and checked my watch.

It is already midnight.

Why didn't you guys wake me up after the dance instructor came? Why didn't the dance instructor wake me up? I begrudged you hyungs for not waking me up and allowing my day to fly past just like that.

Every second, every minute, every day... All of that time matters if I want to succeed.

Still, even I had to admit that after the long sleep, I felt like a burst of energy was zooming inside me, and I don't feel like my head is dancing every second.

Although the aftereffect is a bunch of aches and cramps hitting me at one shot...

I scanned my surroundings. When I saw six sagging figrues slumping on the ground, I almost took a step back.

That... shocked me.

I pushed the thought of them being ghosts or corpses away and walked forward with careful steps. Then, hyungs' familiar faces came into my vision and the tension in my limbs instantly disappeared without a trace.

They didn't go home yet...

For the first time since I started training, I smiled.

Honestly, hyungs... Um, how do I say this? All of you made me feel really happy. So really, thank you for staying by my side like silent protectors, hyungs.

Do you all remember the time when I was first scolded, hyungs? That moment is still vivid in my head. That moment when our dance instructor chided me...

You dance like a robot, Jungkook. It's like you're a dancer there just to dance, but not there to tell a story. Dancing is not only about the activity itself, but more than that, it is to make the audience feel something. You're a good dancer, no doubt. But good dancers are dime in a dozen... Emotional dancers are the rare ones. Keep that in mind.

Emotion? Yes, I did know what that word was. But I didn't know how it was like to experience those emotions. Most people can feel happiness or sadness bursting through them, but for me back them, any sort of feelings I had were just subtle tapping on my heart. How do I express these emotions if I can't ever have a full grasp of them?

I'm good at many things... I know it. Everyone tells me that, and I like to be good at what I'm doing. It makes me... feel confident. Like I'm actually contributing something to people. But unlike many people, expression had and has always been a weakness of mine. So, for the first time, fear really clouded my whole senses.

How...? How do I incorporate emotion in my dancing?

That day, my training went on a standstill. When I was dancing, I was off-beat for more than a few times, and so I settled to sit at a corner and fumble for the solution to that problem. Everything was going perfect except for this last checkpoint...

I'm not great enough, after all. I'm still lacking so much.

I think hyungs saw this unkempt side of me, so when I was still spacing out, all of you crowded around me in a comforting circle.

Then, Seokjin-hyung encouraged me, "Don't brood too much over it, Jungkook. How about this? We'll end training today and have a feast."

Everyone cheered at the mention of a 'feast', but I think all of you were just exaggerating your excitement for me. Well, I didn't overthink it then. I just forced a reluctant smile and followed all of you to whatever destination we were heading to. Taehyung-hyung was smacking his lips wide apart and making funny faces in front of me while pulling me along.

I attempted to stifle my laughter when I questioned him, "What are you doing, hyung?"

Then, he replied with a kooky grin, "I'm making you laugh." And he continued on his comical acts. I didn't want to laugh, but my mouth just couldn't contain the bursting laughter and it exploded out. After that, Jimin-hyung was staring at us with a I-can't-help-but-smile-at-these-dorks grin and also began laughing at us. We became the three guffawing beagles in an instant. Ah... It was so embarrassing! With the side glances that the other hyungs were casting us, I think they were secretly judging us. Don't deny it... I know you were, hyungs.

The moment we stepped out of the stuffy building, the breeze my cheeks and the air carried a renewed freshness. I inhaled the air and heaved a sigh.

Although most of us liked meat, hyungs opted to go for a pizza restaurant instead.

After we ordered a pizza, none of you even ate anything and instead, all of you kept urging me to eat, "Jungkookie, go ahead! It's your favourite pizza!" Oh, hyungs, you really were too obvious. Besides, how were you all expecting me to finish a whole pizzas by my own? Hahaha! I only barely managed to chuck my laughter back in before digging into the pizza. In the end, all of you still ate your fair share anywhere because I complained that my stomach was bursting with pizza (and joy). Haha, I bet all of you didn't know that, did you?

Then, hyungs led me to the Han River. I remember being there a few times when I was a kid, but I didn't go there very often after I became a trainee.

Namjoon-hyung pointed to the scenery ahead and commented, "Look! Isn't the night sky beautiful?"

We stared awe-struck at the large mass of sea and the towering skyscrapers and buildings in front of us. The sea was a reflection of the sky which was then plagued in midnight blue. It was also a reflection of seven hazy figures who were peering at the bridge illuminated with colours. The lights hid away the distant stars in the sky, and instead, revealed a clear sky without a trace of fog or clouds.

Wow... It's pretty.

That was my first thought. I realised that above the constellation of my squeezed training room, there was still a vast universe out there left unexplored.

For the first time, a wave of amazement flooded my whole body. 

Honestly, hyungs... You were the ones who enlightened the tiny star that I was and helped me to shine to my fullest potential. So really, thank you for showing me that there's still a huge world out there, hyungs.

Do you all remember the time when we first debut, hyungs? I think after our debut stage, all of us were in tears at the waiting room. We kept rewatching our debut MV again and again, as if confirming that the dream we had had actually become a reality.

"Wow, we actually did it..." Namjoon-hyung continued to mutter even though it was our third time watching the MV. He squinted at the small screen with full concentration, as if capturing every single detail of the MV in his eidetic memory.

"Of course we did it. You are the one fussing too much about whether we could or not, hyung," complained Jimin-hyung.

I rolled my eyes and commented, "Hyung, you try to act all cool, but I remember you're the one bawling your eyes out when the MV is released."

"Burn!"

The other hyungs shouted in unison. I can't forget how Jimin-hyung flushed and started making up excuses claiming that he didn't shed a tear. You really don't have to act all cool, Jimin-hyung. Because once your tough facade is broken, it makes it all the more hilarious to witness you struggle.

For the first time since a long time ago, my heart oozed with pride.

Honestly hyungs... With you all, I feel like I can regain some semblance of confidence that I used to have. So really, thank you for accompanying me through this arduous journey, hyungs.

Do you all remember when we won our first daesang? When the results were announced, we were all stunned to our spots. We were all ready to clap for the winner, whom we thought would be anyone but us... But then, the MC announced, "Bangtan Sonyeondan!" And all of a sudden, that name had kept us frozen in disbelief. I couldn't even budge because my brain couldn't process the information I just received.

He said daesang, right? And then he said Bangtan Sonyeondan, right? Does that mean... we're the daesang winners? We won?

We stood up slowly from our seats and pretty much walked like zombies to the stage. When we were receiving the award, I even notice that Yoongi-hyung, Hoseok-hyung and Seokjin-hyung's eyes were b with tears.

Don't cry, hyungs. It's a cause for celebration. We've all yearned for this so badly, and now, we've actually attained our dream. So, all of you should be full of smiles. Why are all of you crying...?

I could only clap again and again, like an actual robot who was incapable of doing anything else beyond its limits. At that moment, I recalled observing all your immaculate facades that concealed millions of traces of sadness, pain, anger and fear.

The group hug we had after the speech was one that gave me a tingly sensation of warmth.

For the first time, sadness pricked my eyelids.

Honestly hyungs... Even though you guys have helped me so much... Even though I saw all of your hidden pain and problems, I know I can't do anything to help you guys. Because in reality, I'm just the ignorant maknae.

I don't know how to relay my warmth to you.

Every time I want to reach out my arm, I feel like hyungs are so near yet so far away from me. And then I just collect back my outstretched arm awkwardly.

I don't know how to show that I care.

Whenever the words 'Cheer up, hyung' are about to leave my mouth, I end up swallowing them because I was embarrassed about what I was saying. And then I just walk away awkwardly.

I don't know how to comfort you.

Even when hyungs were so obviously pained by your own turmoils, I didn't want to say something wrong and become the trigger of your pain instead. I kept fumbling with my thoughts again and again. You're perfect, hyungs... It'll be okay, hyungs... I love you, hyungs... What exactly should I say to help ease your sadness, even by a little? I really don't know.

Although hyungs had given me a treasure trove of emotions that made Jeon Jungkook begin again, I don't know what else I can do in return for all of you. And it really pains me.

So, I've deliberated what I wanted to say to each of you for a long time and written them down. I hope that my messages can lighten up your burden, no matter how small its impact may be...

To: Seokjin-hyung

I've seen you battle with your body many times. You had a late headstart compared to us, hyung, so sometimes, it's more challenging for you to move your body with ease. Maybe because you're the eldest in BTS, but I've always felt that you're pressured to keep up with us, and so you put in double the effort compared to others. But hyung, didn't you tell me to stop brooding over what our dance instructor said? If that's the case, you should also do what you said! Don't ever think that you're not as talented as us, hyung, because without you, Bangtan will never be fully Bangtan. Don't compare yourself to us, since you're invaluable in your own way.

Like what you always say, training, the journey, is more important than the destination. For a trainee who started out rock-bottom with zero experience, you've already achieved a lot in the past three years. Your dancing and singing have improved a lot too! Haha. So don't stress yourself out with ridiculous expectations. No matter what, we'll always be here to support you, hyung.

To Yoongi-hyung,

Although Sugar-hyung's image may seem bitter, I know that you're really the sweetest out of us all. Your words are always cold and blunt, but I feel that hidden beneath those thorny words is a man with lots of sentiment. How do I know? Well, I know by how your rapping is always overwhelming with emotion! But you normally hide them so well that even we can't really tell what your whole story is all about. I think you reveal them quite easily these days though, so I'm very thankful for that. Please continue to be honest about your feelings, hyung. I want to pat you on your back and give you a waking call too!

You're the silent watcher, but whenever you do contribute to the conversation, you're ingenious, Sugar Sugar-hyung. Our journey has been full of stumbling blocks... Nevertheless, let's keep perservering on together. After all, there's a saying, "There is always a rainbow after the rain." You've always dreamt for this, so of course, we need to finish the last stretch of this journey together! 

To Hoseok-hyung,

You're our happy virus, but beyond that happiness is a poorly masked sadness. You know, whenever you feel sad hyung, I also want to cry along with you. Our happy virus can't be sad alone! You're constantly concerned for your mom, and although I think aunt will be happy that she's always on your mind, I also think that she'll be worried for you. So don't fret too much, hyung! I believe that just your smile alone will be enough to brighten aunt's spirits. That's why... Even if it's for the sake of aunt, you should never lose faith in yourself and what you can achieve.

I really admire you for cherishing the people you love and always being there to cheer us up, hyung. Even when we're down in the dumps, you'll make sure to tell us that our every imperfection harbours perfection in its own way. Thank you for being our reliable pillar of support! I hope that no matter what happens, Hobi-hyung will never lose that radiance in you. 

To Namjoon-hyung,

Leader Mon Mon, our cutiepie leader! You're a dork in the inside, but as the leader, you must be burdened to act mature and responsible. Because of that, you listen to our troubles yet you never breathe a word about your own worries. Still, you're not some impenetrable fortress. You don't have to force yourself to be perfect when you're actually a bundle of insecurities. If it's okay, don't just run to the Han River and beer every time you need a shoulder to cry on; instead, run to us. My shoulders are broad enough for you to lean on now. Haha.

This group means a lot to you, hyung, and I think this group means a lot to all of us too. We don't want our leader to weep alone at a corner precisely because we're a team. How will we be accountable if we abandon our leader to his own sorrows alone? Haha! Take pride in how far you've come with us as a group, and let's achieve greater heights together next year!

To Jimin-hyung,

I think you're getting more shameless now hyung, but I still remember the days when you would force a greasy smile even with all your internal insecurities whirling inside you. Although I keep saying you're short, I always leave out something else: Your height is perfect the way it is, Chimchim-hyung. Your looks are perfect the way it is, Chimchim-hyung. And you, Park Jimin, is perfect the way it is, Chimchim-hyung. Because every part of you makes up the Park Jimin that we all love so much. Therefore, never ever think that you need to change a single thing about yourself. Instead, please continue to be as shameless as you are right now. Haha.

I have never told you this before, but I always envy you for being able to portray all sorts of emotions through your dancing. Be it happiness, sadness, anger or even fear, people can experience all these feelings vividly just by watching your dance. Because it was and still is a challenge for me, I'm very thankful every time you try to give me feedback for my dancing. Thanks to you, I've improved tremendously!

To Taehyung-hyung,

I know you're still plagued by your grandmother's death... which happened on my birthday. When you broke down after the event, I was really shocked. Mere words can't express how I feel about your confession. And honestly, I still don't have confidence to say things like 'it'll be okay'. Because I don't know... I don't know how it feels to lose a loved one. I don't know how it feels to force a smile when you're hurting on the inside. I don't know if it'll ever be okay. But Taehyung-hyung, I think that your grandmother won't want you to ever shed tears. Because she loves you so so much. Although you never managed to accompany her when she left, I believe she'll be comforted by the prospect of you accompanying her in your heart.

Even though it hurts, I still wish that hyung will regain your carefree grin when you would do funny faces to cheer me up. This time, I'll be the one to cheer you up and be there by your side!

I'm sorry for my clumsy writing... But you know, hyungs, I really love all of you. Even though I'm still young and ignorant, please rely on me more often. I'll definitely listen to you as much as I can!

This year, we've won our first daesang, and I know that this is just the beginning to the bright future ahead of us. Let's continue to run forward and chase our dreams, hyungs! 

From:

Jungkookie, your golden maknae

a/n ;
Wow... I'm actually done with this story ; n ; I've really enjoyed the process of writing this story immensely, and I hope all of you have enjoyed the process of reading this story as well~ Although this chapter is the ending, it is also the start to BTS' flight to a more hopeful future. Therefore, I really think that this chapter is, all in all, a happy ending to the angst fest we've been having the past few entries. As promised in the last chapter, I'll be editing the story all over again and writing my final notes for each chapter. There may or may not be major revamps... But I have a feeling there will be, because I always end up adding more details to works which I've already completed xD Anticipate the final revamped versions, everyone!
*I only saw the news of V's grandmother passing away last week, which is like weeks before I've finished Stigma. Honestly, it has thrown quite a heavy stone onto my heart. The timing of the death is just really saddening. Just like Jungkook, I've never experienced losing a loved one before, but I imagine it to be a really painful experience, and no matter what happens, it'll leave a scar that can never be fully healed again. Even though V may not fully recover from it, I still hope he feels a bit better now!
**I've linked the video of BTS' reactions to their first daesang along with Begin's lyrics video, because their reactions are just so priceless. As soon as you take a look, your heart will swell in pride for them xD