f i r s t  l o v e ;

To you, my first love, I dedicate this song.

"The corners of my memory
A brown piano taking up space on one side
The corners of the house of my youth
A brown piano taking up space on one side"

If my mind is a closet that keeps my memories, the clothes, then as time fleets by, time would surely take their colours along with it. The colours on the clothes would eventually fade, leaving behind blank white. 

But, there is a trace of colour among the lines of white clothes,. That is the image you've presented me. 

"I remember that time"

How can I not? It's still engraved so vividly in my head, impossible to be erased. Your image—

"The brown piano that was so much taller than me, when it led me"

Its frames stood upright and firm like an indestructible guard that forever protects its space. A rose-like scent lingered near it. As soon as light fell on the surface, the piano immediately reflected, almost like a distant moon except nearer. 

"I longed for you, when I turned my face up to you"

Subconsciously, I closed in to squint at the foreign object in front of me. You didn't seem like Superman, the man of steel who triumphed all evils, or like Hercules, the hero who ventured over the world. However, you were something that any hero could never be...

A guardian, maybe?

I didn't know for sure, but I wanted to know. so I closed in even further.

"When I you with one small finger
'I feel so nice, mom, I feel so nice'
The keys that only sauntered where my hands went"

My movement was a swift, gentle sweep across the piano keys. Brushing past my fingertips was the cool surface of acrylic plastic. Just because of my one action, the keys danced one after the other in an ascending tone that tickled one's earbuds.

I was leading the tiles in a dance routine! Satisfaction surged through my tiny body. My fingers continued to glide across the piano keys, the stage, performing pirouettes again and again. You commanded the keys to bend at my will, and together, we harmonised through their gentle beating.

"I didn't know your meaning then
At that time, I was happy only looking"

I was just but a fragile boy who could do nothing but cower in shelters I deemed reliable, so what I didn't know I ignored. However, what I did know was that with you, I could paint beauty visible for one's eyes and ears. Because of that, I looked up to you. Because of that, I pleaded my parents to let me learn piano.

You didn't know that, did you? Well, even if you beg me to tell you the exact details, I can't tell you since they've been washed out overtime, but I do remember that the whole affair only lasted for a week at most before my parents begrudgingly surrendered to me. They shook their heads, as if helpless, and there was a series of muffled murmurring when the announcement of victory came. 

I couldn't tell what they were saying nor did I care, because my mission was completed. Even though I tended to sit by a corner and play my own toys quietly, I darted to you as soon as the conversation ended.

"I did it!" I celebrated and started dancing around you in a circle. I wondered why you were motionless, though I did assume that you were just like me; you were happy but too embarrassed to show it.

Of course, I was wrong. But that was before I learnt about living and non-living things. It certainly wasn't because I was dumb. 

Well, maybe I shouldn't have expended so much energy on the dancing after all because my head ended up performing pirouettes instead. However, it didn't matter because I could laugh in anticipation of our new partnership.

That year, I learnt how to talk and play. The same year, you taught me how to smile.

"I remember that time, near the end of elementary school
The time that my height finally
Became taller than yours"

I started off as a dwarf, but with the passing of each day, my reflection on the piano had transformed into a beanpole. The years were like a magic show in supersonic speed. I used to look forward to the day when my height would finally exceed yours from the start of elementary school, but—

"At that point, I neglected you, the you I had yearned for"

School was both a blessing and a curse. I knew it was mandatory if I wanted to become smarter and get a decent job.

My father always said in that gruffy tone of his, "School is very important, Yoongi. If you are smart, you'll get a good job, and you'll get money. Then you can buy all the things that you like." I nodded every time he said so, because I remembered how my parents would collapse on the couch after they got off from work every single day. They would start talking about things I couldn't comprehend at that age. They always talked about 'money', 'money' and 'money' with sighs cutting in between their conversation. Even after all that, my mother still had to rush to the kitchen to prepare food for four people, and at night, hushed whispers persisted in the solitary of their room.

They were slogging because of money, I supposed. And when I happened to see them take out those notes with random numbers on them, I knew I was right.

So school was important. I had to attend school if I wanted to earn money to relieve my parents from the cumbersome burden accummulating on their shoulders. They weren't superheroes. They wouldn't be able to cope alone, not when their once smooth faces were already crumpling up like fragile sheets of paper. Hyung couldn't be the only one supporting them either. I had to do my part. They needed my strength as well as hyung's... 

I stacked mountains of textbooks on my desk, imagining a scenario where smiles would grace on my parents' wrinkled faces again. Those served as my driving force to push knowledge and even more knowledge down my head. But even though school did award me with intelligence, it also ate me up with stress.

Whenever I stared at the inscriptions that covered my whole textbook, there was that remote ache in my head. Because sometimes, my brain just wasn't flexible enough to decipher the words in front of me.

But it have to... I have to understand them, I thought. So I forced my brain to accomplish the impossible. It was just basic Korean sentence structures. I could understand them, right?

Well, I couldn't.

The result of it all? A violent protest in my head that could split it into two.

That was why...

That was why after school, I would dart back to my room without casting another glance at your forlorn shadow. Because the aching was eating me up on the inside. It ate up all the happiness that had once surged through my body.

I couldn't and shouldn't play the piano anymore. I didn't have the right to relax while my parents were out roaming to earn money. That was what I believed...

"Atop the keys like white jade
Dust piled up
Your neglected appearance"

The once rose-like scent was replaced with a strange musty odour; the once glossy surface was tainted with bits of dust and foreign material. You craved for the sensation of fluttering fingertips, but I never looked back at you.

"I didn't know it back then
Your meaning was that wherever I am
You will always be
Protecting that space, maybe that was why
I didn't know it would be the end"

I had already cast you out as a worn-out clothing unfit for wearing. But even when I had abandoned you, your upright shadow never once fazed.

Because you were a guardian.

Wherever I was, whenever I was, however I was, you would always guard the space we once shared together. Even when I changed, you would always remain constant. Maybe that was why I took your presence lightly for years after our first meeting.

"Sometimes we don't appreciate what we already have because we're too focused on what we want." Perhaps I should've paid closer attention to those civics and moral lessons. But really, we don't. I didn't, for starters.

After all the time I had cast you into the dumps, I was made to stand in front of you for the last time. Thinking that it would be the final time I would see you again was surreal, and all I could think of was apologies, apologies and more apologies. 

I'm sorry for not being with you more often. I'm sorry for not taking care of you more often. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...

The guilt was a greater eating demon than the stress. What was doing? Why was I doing what I was doing? Before I could even differentiate which path I was heading to, I was already forced to move on.

What should I do?

I gazed upon your unkempt appearance. My fists were shaking, almost reaching out to touch you again.

But I couldn't.

I backed away abruptly.

Again. 

My arms stretched out, but they always stopped just a few centimetres away before cowering back.

Again. 

I continued the vicious cycle again and again pathetically, yet I could never feel that sensation beneath my fingertips. You were so near yet so far. An invincible barrier I didn't know existed before was present. I forged it myself, out of guilt and regret.

Was it because the sight in front of you was so frustrating to watch? Because just then—

"Don't go like this, you say"

"Even if I go, don't worry
Because you'll do well on your own"

How would you know? You mean more to me than you think you are. Perhaps I seemed like I would be fine enough. Maybe I was fine for that period of time. But if you left, I can't imagine what else would be eating me on the inside.

...Regret, perhaps. Regret was already eating me when I was the one leaving you after all.

"I think of the time I first met you
At some moment you just became bigger"

I became bigger, yes. But the waves of despair engulfing me also became bigger. Would I ever be able to replicate the happiness that surged in my body when I first met you again? I don't know for sure, but I don't think so.

On the other hand, you... remained the same. Maybe that's just what I envy about you. 

"You put a period on our relationship, but
Don't be sorry towards me
Whatever form I take
You will see me again
Let's meet happily again at that time"

Pft. Do you think telling someone to stop feeling sorry actually helps them to stop? You're unfair, really. You think you aren't, but you are. I can't even blame you for that. 

I couldn't do anything else except nod and leave helplessly. As our distance widened, you really appeared like a moon that was going more and more distant with every step of mine. My feet were pulling me down like piles of heavy rocks as they brushed past the coarse surface of the ground.

My draggy footsteps were so unlike that swift, gentle sweep  a few years ago. Not to mention, the din they made was even more pathetic when compared to the bright music before.

"I remember that time, what I darkly forgot
When I met you again I was 14 years old"

The reunion was comforting yet weirdly discomforting at the same time. It reminded me of how I abandoned you so. That was why I struggled to wash out the colours of that clothing. As if rebelling against me, they were obstinate and refused to be erased from my memory.

When I returned to the house, I was no longer a child who needed babysitting like I did a few years ago. I could return with a posture equally as upright as yours and boast about my growth. But the moment I glanced at you, my muscles became stiff and were reluctant to budge. I was a really poor actor, wasn't I? Of course, I still am.

Closer, just a little bit closer... I stepped closer to approach you.

"I awkwardly caressed you again for a moment"

My fingertips brushed past the acrylic plastic again in a familiar yet unfamiliar motion. The dust particles clung onto my fingers, leaving behind the pure white and smooth piano tiles.

The mustiness was even more evident than before, but then I recalled what my mother said a few years back when I was still under her care, "Everything turns old. And everything old smells horrid. But beneath the distasteful odour is pure experience." So I tried to embrace your smell, although it stung my nostrils.

"Even though I was gone a long time ago
You received me again
Without any repulsion"

Without any hesitation, the piano keys danced upon my touch, as if conducting a party to welcome me back. The melody gradually soothed the distant ache in my head. My head bobbed unconsciously. Even my whole body was drifting along with the twirling of my fingertips. Only then did I feel at home again. Only then did I feel like I belong somewhere again...

"Without you I am nothing"

I whispered those five words as the party continued for hours and hours. Eventually, my fingers became as stiff as wooden pipes and the energy I had diminished into nothingness. I finally fell into deep slumber.

"As the dawn passed, us two
Greeted the morning
Don't let go of my hand forever
Because I won't let you go either"

After we reunited, I made a decision which I knew was a risk. There was little to zero probability of success. If I bet on it, I would be betting my whole life and even my family's lives. I, who was the only son other than my elder brother in the family, shouldn't even be thinking about it. But I knew what was worse than taking a risk—plummeting into misfortune for the rest of my life. So, I decided I was going to follow the heartbeat inside me. I...

"I remember that time, at the end of my teens"

I applied to be a trainee at an entertainment company. To unite with music as one was and still is my greatest dream, because through music, I can express myself in ways I can never imagine.

When I confessed to my parents about it, they rebuked me.

They were practically screaming in front of me when they chided, "Yoongi, have you gone bonkers?"

"Yoongi, do you think this is a joke?"

"Yoongi, do you think you can succeed with such an unstable job?"

Of course they did. Wanting to be an idol was a road full of thorns and needles. Succeeding after debut is one thing, but even debuting itself is going to be an arduous task.

I knew what I was throwing myself into. I knew that I could end up jobless at the end of it all. But still, I wanted to give it a try, because if I am the leader of my own life, I would rather choose to dance through the treacherous paths happily instead of crawling past fearfully. 

And so, I embarked on a journey towards the horizon.

"I set you aflame, that's right, I saw no
further than my nose, that time, crying and laughing,"

The harmonious sounds that rose swayed in waves in the air. Our dance was burning up fiercely along with the fire surging through my body. My eyes tinged with salt, yet I couldn't help but erupt into fits of laughter throughout our whole routine.

I probably looked like a clown, didn't I?

Yes, I think I was. I was a tired but happy clown.

"Those moments alone when I was with you
Now they're memories"

Those memories are the types of clothes that would always retain their own colours no matter what happens.

Then, I recalled. Beside the white and coloured clothing, there was a section which was greyed out. I wished so badly to forget it, but it seems like the more I want to forget something, the more I remember it.

My broken shoulder.

"Clutching my smashed shoulder, I said it
That I wouldn't be able to do this anymore"

I had faith in myself. I was going to continue running down that aimless path no matter what happened. But when my shoulder was damaged, I was sure the path I was heading to would be doomed to failure. How could one even think of bringing a spectacular performance to the table with a ruined shoulder?

When I sat in front of you, I blankly stared at the piano keys.

Do.

I pressed one of the tiles first, and then another, and then another. And then I started thumping all the piano tiles in a cacophonic manner.

Doomed. Failure. End. Gone. Give. Up. Give up. Stop. Stop. Stop—

Rage engulfed my head with the rising chaos. The familiar ache throbbed, forcing me to surrender to the negativity. Even my shoulder was pained by the impact.

I really think I might have surrendered. I really think the burning pain would push me down. Maybe it would have, if you didn't bring me back—

"Every time I wanted to give up
You said, from next to me
'Kid, you really can do it'"

When my anger dwindled, what replaced it was a sense of emptiness. I collapsed onto you, utterly drained out of energy. Although I was like a hollow vessel, the piano tiles caressed and comforted my scrunched up face, like a priest that possessed all healing powers.

But after a period of recovering, I would relapse back to the same forsaken body again—

"That's right, that's right, that's right, I remember
When I'd fall into the pit of hopelessness
Desperation and despair
I pushed you away"

At times, I would neglect you just like I did years ago. I would cower in my room and resent ever loving you. Maybe if I didn't meet and love you, I wouldn't end up marching on a fruitless journey. Maybe if I didn't meet and love you, I wouldn't curse my life into a blank slate of misfortune. Even so—

"Even when I wanted to meet you
You firmly stayed by my side
Even if I don't say it"

As I steered away from the chaos in my head, I collapsed on you once again. You merely accompanied me and my frantic breathing, but your presence itself was soothing enough for me.

My fingertips brushed against your glossy surface in reflex. I recalled how motivated I was when I first embarked on the journey. Because I didn't want to regret again like that time when I lost you... Because I didn't want my happiness with you to vanish for eternity, I told myself I wasn't going to look back no matter what.

But what am I doing now? Giving up before the real deal has started... Am I going to give up now?

I pressed against the piano tiles feebly. The sound was more fragile, but you returned me with the same melody that was used to welcome me back. Gradually, I was gaining the momentum. Confidence ascended in my thumping heart and cleansed my wounds. Not longer after, I was conducting the dance routine with renewed vigour. That melody became my hope; that melody became one of the colours in my journey.

I stood back upright, and my fingers slided across the keys. A familiar sweeping motion. The ache in my shoulder subsided for a bit as my heart beat in the same rhythmic fashion. 

What am I thinking? There's no way I'm giving up at this point of time. I have to keep pushing on!

The conflicted emotions inside me gushed out into the twinkling song I was playing. Happiness, hope, despair and anger... All these emotions which I could not fully express with just words, I expressed through playing the piano. 

I want to be an artist. I want to tell my story to the people out there, who are still hoping. I want to bring hope to the world ahead...

As I made these convictions, I pictured a distant dream. A dream where I was standing on stage, inspiring people with songs that painted beauty...

Yet another dawn had passed. There was still a subtle ache in my shoulder, but more overwhelming than the pain was the budding belief in my heart.

With you, I could create beautiful things. With you, I was alive. With you, I wanted to venture and reach the colours ahead of us...

"Because of that, don't let go of my hand
Because I won't let go of you
A second time"

I won't give up on you. I won't give up on myself again. Never ever.

"My birth and the end of my life
You'll always protect those things"

"The corners of my memory
A brown piano taking up space on one side
The corners of the house of my youth
A brown piano taking up space on one side"

To you, my first love, I thank you.

a/n ;
This chapter really reminds me a lot of things. It's like Lie, Stigma and another story I wrote (Cranes with Meaning) combined. Then again, the other chapters also kinda remind me of one another. I suppose despair is a rather common emotion felt by the members xD
The story reveals a lot of internal dilemmas and imagery just like Lie does, but First Love isn't independent like Lie is; the narration serves as an elaboration to the song lyrics. Suga also has guilt just like Taehyung has his guilt in Stigma (but for entirely different reasons, of course). Just a quick summary of Cranes with Meaning for non-readers: A son of a wealthy CEO who is pressured to take over the company, Lu Han, plays the role of the main character. Like Suga, he also has a dream (funny how their family backgrounds are the opposite but their predicaments are still the same thanks to the same reason: money xD). But as you can tell, the objection of Suga's family doesn't play a huge part in this story. What's more important is how Suga overcomes his obstacles to prove himself right.
Anyway, that should be the end of the angsty chapters. (Why did I place all the angst together? Huhu I have no idea myself. Angst to fluff just seems right to me) Now we'll be on to the chapters that are a little happier... sort of. Enjoy~